Beautiful Disaster: Chapter 2
Story: Beautiful Disaster (Chapter 2)
Chapter: Two
Word Count: 5,257
Rating: PG
Warnings: mild language;; occasional and/or eventual strong language, scenes of a violent nature, scenes of a sexual nature
Characters: Luke, Noah, Ameera, Casey, Snyder family
Genre: Drama, Angst, Romance
Story Information: This story was written from April 6 - Aug. 18, 2008. It deals with the issues of love, loss, hurt, betrayal, and one's past coming back into their present again. Honestly, the title is basically the best descriptor for this story. It varies from the TV show starting around April 2007, and creates an alternate story and history for the characters involved. **The story is posted as is, in its original format, including all original errors and mistakes. It was written in American English. An update will be posted here if/when the story is re-edited.**
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by CBS and As The World Turns, et al. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Previous Chapters: 1
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Luke had recognized Noah the moment he had opened the front door - even though Luke hadn’t been able to see him.
In the last few months his senses had been honed, making up for what he was now lacking. Luke had told the person at the front door to come in, and admittedly he had expected a Snyder. But the moment the door opened, Luke knew.
The door creaked; feet sounded on the kitchen floor. The movement and the breeze coming through the doorway carried upon it a scent - a smell that Luke had never forgotten, one he had loved, one that had tortured him, and one he thought he might hate.
Hate; it was a strong word.
Maybe not hate, but something close to it.
Luke always found it strange how downplayed the sense of smell had always been, compared to the other senses people used. But in truth it was a powerful sense, and it was one of the most highly attuned of all the senses when it came to recalling memories.
Noah was standing in Luke’s kitchen - a man Luke had once loved, a man who had broken his heart with all the best intentions, a man that had tormented Luke’s mind for years, a man Luke had left in his past, never to be revisited again. Noah stood there, and before a word even left his mouth, Luke’s mind was bombarded with images, all stirred from that one breath of Noah’s familiar scent, somehow locked away in the stores of Luke’s mind.
He felt ambushed. He saw a pond, and camping, wet skin, stolen kisses, folding laundry, and a marriage. He saw a ring, and graduation, felt fingers in his hair, hands on his hips, skin against his own. A birthday party, interrupted kisses, and a class project. Noah’s eyes - bright and blue. His back - strong and beautiful. And the taste of his skin - hidden and pushed away and almost nearly, but obviously not quite forgotten.
Luke swallowed, angry at the attack within his memories. He hadn’t given any such permission, and it wasn’t fair that one sniff of Noah’s cologne and natural smell, carried on the breeze, could be enough to stir so much within Luke.
He could see so much in his mind. Sometimes he found it strange, comparing his memories from the past - the ones he had seen - with the new memories he had now, devoid of images, or else drawn in his head to what he thought things should look like.
Luke forced himself to swallow, pushing down the increasing pang in his stomach.
He didn’t know what Noah was doing there, in his kitchen, and why today of all days he had chosen to cross Luke’s path. Luke had thought he’d made it clear.
Noah was in the past.
Luke couldn’t go back there. Not any more. Not ever again.
“What?” Noah asked.
“I’m blind,” Luke said again, emphasizing the word.
Noah fumbled for a response, stopping and starting, stuttering. Luke shook his head, slowly pulling his hand out of Noah’s grasp.
As if Noah’s scent on the air hadn’t been bad enough, the touch of his fingers, the way his hand slid against Luke’s wrist… It had stopped Luke’s heart - and not in that romantic, childish way he used to think of things. No, in a scary and overwhelming way. He hadn’t realized that it was possible to memorize someone’s touch, but Noah’s fingers on Luke’s wrist really felt like Noah. And feeling him - Luke’s sense of touch was ten times more sensitive that it had been in the past.
The touch, those warm fingers, carried memories of their own - more memories of skin, and kissing, touching, and exploring fingers.
Noah stood so close, surprising Luke in his determination. His scent was strong when he lingered next to Luke, and his grip had been tight but strangely familiar.
Somehow, a touch - from someone, anyone - now wielded so much power over Luke.
At times, his new blindness convinced him he lived in a black void. Sometimes voices would enter into the emptiness, and other times, smells, or tastes. But when someone would touch him - a hand or fingers, someone leaning against him, or sitting next to him - his world suddenly contained another person, living and warm and making contact with him. He didn’t think he could ever explain it to anyone.
But Noah’s hand along Luke’s wrist had taken his breath away.
Noah was really there.
But Luke didn’t want him there, didn’t want Noah’s touch to render him breathless. It wasn’t fair that he had tried so hard to live off the map, to keep any word from getting to Noah. And one stupid article had ruined that.
Luke shook his head to himself. One more thing to add to the list…
“What…? Blind…?” Noah stammered. “What happened?”
“Not a very reliable newspaper article, was it?” Luke joked sarcastically, moving his hands over the counter to search for any groceries he’d not gotten put away yet. Faith had come by and dropped off more food for him before leaving for work, just minutes before Noah had arrived.
“It just talked about the fire, and that everyone survived,” Noah answered.
“Yep, we all lived. Isn’t it great?” Luke snipped sardonically. “I somehow keep managing to survive all these near deaths. You’d think my time would come eventually.”
He could hear the sarcasm dripping from his own voice, and he didn’t care.
“Don’t talk like that,” Noah reprimanded, not exactly soft, but not harsh either.
“Good thing you’re here to save the day again,” Luke said in an exaggerated voice before shaking his head. “But I really don’t think you’re going to be able to fix this one.”
“It’s permanent?” Noah asked again.
Luke rolled his eyes. He didn’t remember Noah being so slow on the uptake when they were younger.
“How’d it happen?” Noah inquired.
Luke found Noah’s tolerance unexpected, but he couldn’t say he had the same capacity.
“Look, it’s not story time. What are you here for?” Luke asked, growing impatient.
“I…”
Luke thought he could hear Noah swallow. He was still standing nearby, but Luke had gained some space in his movements to put away the fruit he’d misplaced on the counter. He still didn’t understand what Noah expected.
“I just…” Noah tried again. Luke could hear him fidgeting, his clothing rustling and his fingertips drumming on the countertop so that one of his nails kept clicking softly, as if scratching something.
“You wanted to see me, and you saw me,” Luke snapped. “Can’t say the same for myself.”
“Fine,” Noah growled, his shirt rustling again. “Forget it. I don’t want to do this. It was stupid to come here anyway. You obviously don’t have anything to say to me, and whatever I thought I had to say to you - you don’t really care, do you?”
He huffed and turned, and Luke listened as Noah moved back to the kitchen door, slamming it behind himself. His kitchen was still and silent for a moment. Sometimes Luke had a fear that someone would try to fool him - close the kitchen door but still remain standing silently, watching him. It was unsettling and it always bothered him. But he knew Noah had left. He heard feet on his porch outside and a car starting up out near the front curb.
He was gone.
..:..
Noah flung his truck door closed in frustration and headed for the entrance of the Lakeview. He thought he’d ask them about canceling his reservation and he could drive back to Chicago without even staying a night in Oakdale. There had been nothing to come back to Oakdale for, and apparently there was nothing still.
He didn’t even know what to think about Luke.
The anger and sarcasm. Part of Noah was really sad to see Luke that way. It wasn’t Luke, or at least it didn’t feel like him. It felt wrong. Noah couldn’t help wondering what had happened. Where had that Snyder boy gone?
But a larger part of Noah was incensed. Luke didn’t have the monopoly on anger and pain. They had both been through hell with the marriage to Ameera. They had never expected it to last five years, and Noah knew it had been asking a lot of Luke. But Luke had said they’d do it together. He had promised early on to always be there.
Noah couldn’t really hold it against him for breaking the promise.
Except that he wanted to, because he had wanted to be with Luke. After graduation, Luke had left and there had only been another year or so remaining and then Noah and Ameera could get their divorce and Luke and Noah could finally be together. But five years…
Noah shook his head. He had questioned himself at times, going through phases when he had thought that he couldn’t blame Luke. Noah had told himself that he wasn’t really worth waiting so long for. He wasn’t worth Luke going through so much. It was better this way. Luke could be happy and Noah - he could… Well, he could at least think of Luke in a better situation, not watching the person he loved living a lie and dragging him into it.
That phase had passed and several more had followed, some less painful, others more helpful, and a few downright ugly. The question today, though, was - had he really ever known Luke? The guy who had promised to stand by him, had broken the promise, had effectively rid himself of Noah completely, and then five years later was displaying a kind of cruel, derisive detachment?
But Noah had tried, in the years that had passed, to understand.
Luke had loved him. And the only thing Luke had wanted was for them to be together, and that was the one thing Noah had robbed him of by marrying Ameera. They both knew it had saved her life. But Noah had asked a lot of Luke - too much, perhaps. Even if Luke had promised… A part of Noah knew that Luke would have promised anything and tried to support him any way he could. Maybe Noah had had a responsibility towards his boyfriend to know when it was too much. But he hadn’t thought about it then. He wasn’t sure what to think now.
Noah moved toward the front desk and nearly walked right into another man. He straightened and reached out to apologize when he saw a set of familiar blue eyes.
“H-Holden,” Noah stuttered. He swallowed dryly, displeased with the stammer that didn’t often make a reappearance anymore but was making itself known today.
“Noah,” Holden replied with complete surprise, stepping back to look at him.
The two men stood awkwardly and tried to recover the moment.
“I haven’t seen you in a long time,” Holden said seriously. “What are you doing in Oakdale?”
Noah wondered what Holden thought of him, but the two had parted on friendlier terms than Noah and Luke had. Noah could still remember going out to the farm, two days after Luke and Ameera’s graduation. He had wanted to see Luke, and after their brief tussle near the restrooms - he had thought, hoped, that maybe he and Luke could…
He had missed Luke, and he had just needed to see him again. Ameera had gone off to spend the day with her newly graduated girl friends and Noah had hours upon hours at his expense. He just wanted to go to the farm, see Luke, talk with him, touch him, remind him that there was just over a year left and they were going to make it through this together and maybe, just maybe, they could spend some time alone together that day. Celebrate graduation. Try to give themselves something to last until the next moment, the next time…the next year when Noah would be a free man.
“Luke’s not here,” Holden had told Noah on that warm August day.
“Wh-what?” Noah had asked, taken aback.
“He left, Noah,” Holden said seriously, reaching a hand out to Noah’s arm.
The two men had stood in the disserted farmhouse kitchen. Holden was playing father to him, something Noah had appreciated, no matter how stressed things had gotten between Luke and Noah. Holden was always there, acting more like a dad that the Colonel ever had.
“Where is he?” Noah asked.
“He left a note,” Holden said sadly.
It was then that Noah realized something was wrong with Holden. The older man was obviously carrying a weight on his shoulders.
“He said Will invited him to move in with their family. Will and Gwen just recently graduated from the University and they’re moving out of state for Will’s new job. So he left sometime during the night. He didn’t want to have to say goodbye to everyone, I think. He said he’d call.”
Holden was sad and Noah couldn’t breathe.
“He was really hurting,” Holden said quietly.
Noah knew why Luke was hurting, and wondered if there was an accusation in that remark. Holden had taken Noah in, had supported them because he supported his son. But they both knew why Luke had been in so much pain.
Noah knew but he hadn’t wanted to believe it was so bad, hadn’t wanted to think it would drive Luke to act in ways that were unlike himself. That Luke would run away. Abandon his family. Leave without telling a soul.
That he would leave Noah.
Noah couldn’t speak, but Holden seemed to know.
“I’m sorry, Noah. He didn’t give any way to contact him, but I know he took his cell phone. I don’t think he wanted to be followed. I think he just needs some time.”
Noah had spent the next year hoping that maybe the time Luke needed would eventually bring him back to Oakdale, perhaps just at the right moment. He could still remember signing the divorce papers and finally stepping out into the sunlight as a free man. He had had this dream of Luke being there - of Luke somehow knowing, and magically showing up the moment Noah was single again, and everything could return to normal.
Of course he had known there would be things to fix, apologies to be made, promises to be kept.
But Luke hadn’t been there. And a week later, Noah still hadn’t heard from Luke or seen him. Months passed. Noah eventually moved off to Chicago, where ever he could find work. The years came and went and still nothing from Luke.
Once Noah had been cleaning out his things when he was getting ready to move to Chicago. He had found an old contact sheet from his days as an intern at WOAK. It had Luke’s e-mail address on it and Noah had immediately written him.
The email came back. The inbox was full.
Noah had tried Luke’s cell phone for a long time right after he left. All his calls went unanswered, and he had left too many voice mails to count. But eventually one day he called and the number was no longer in use.
He had been completely thrust out of Luke’s life.
In some moments, he could understand. Most moments, it just hurt, because he had never stopped loving Luke. He hadn’t thought deciding to get married would mean he was choosing between Ameera and Luke; between Ameera’s life and his life with Luke. But it turned into that, and it hurt. It had hurt them both.
Holden cleared his throat and Noah’s head snapped up, remembering he was in the Lakeview lobby, speaking with Luke’s father.
“I, uh… Luke,” Noah sighed, answering the previous question that had been left hanging in the air.
Holden swallowed and nodded.
Noah fidgeted, not sure what to say or do.
“And?” Holden asked.
Noah’s eyes cast across the carpet, looking for a proper response. His gaze flicked up to meet Holden’s and their eyes locked, as if Holden could see the entire scene from Luke’s kitchen through Noah’s eyes.
“Let me guess,” Holden tried gently. “It was nothing like you expected?”
Noah shook his head.
“Is this the first time you’ve seen him since he left?” Holden asked.
“Yeah,” Noah answered softly.
“He’s different,” Holden replied.
“Yeah.”
The two stood for a moment while quietness washed over them and Noah shifted on his feet.
“Look, do you have a minute?” Holden asked Noah.
Noah furrowed his brow as Holden continued.
“I was just taking care of some things here. But if you have a few minutes, we should talk,” Holden explained.
“Yeah, okay,” Noah shrugged. His trip to Oakdale had been pointless, otherwise. He figured he might as well sit with Holden for awhile before checking out of the hotel. There were probably things he needed to say to Holden, after all.
The two men were sitting in the Lakeview lobby a few minutes later, each with a cup of coffee. Both seemed to be working at how to begin. Noah could think of so many things to ask Holden - all things he had gone years without asking. At first, after Luke had left, Noah would try to ask his parents, look for any way he could to find out where his boyfriend had gone. They never told, and Holden insisted he didn’t have an address for him anyway. And if Luke didn’t want to be found, Holden couldn’t break his trust. Noah hadn’t wanted to keep asking, or keep putting Holden between them. It wouldn’t have been fair, and anyway Noah knew he could never win out over Luke, when it came to Holden’s loyalty. Not unless Holden believed it would have been for his son’s best interest. Clearly, that hadn’t been the case.
Now, Noah didn’t know where to begin.
“What happened to him?” Noah finally asked. The question had been rolling over and over in his mind ever since he had left Luke’s kitchen.
Holden looked at him. “Do you mean physically or…”
“I mean, he’s not himself anymore,” Noah said sadly.
“He’s been through a lot,” Holden said seriously.
“Who hasn’t?” Noah asked.
Holden ducked his head, as if granting Noah the point. “I know what happened between you guys wasn’t easy, and I know it hurt you both. But things never got better for Luke.”
“What makes you think they got better for me?” Noah asked defensively, knowing he should probably check his tone with Holden. He respected the man, but Noah was still reacting against the hostility he had received from Luke earlier.
“I get what you’re saying, Noah, and I’m not making excuses for my son. But I know him.” He paused. “Or I knew him. Something happened to him.” Holden hesitated again and Noah concentrated more carefully on his words.
“I barely recognize the boy I raised…”
Holden’s voice trailed off and Noah was startled to see his eyes looking a little glassy.
Holden blinked, looking away. Noah had never seen the older man cry. Noah could still remember Holden leaving the room to deal with his emotions when Luke had learned to walk again. Sitting before Noah now, the older man seemed to recover his composure well enough to continue.
“I only saw him once or twice in the last five years, before he came back after the fire,” Holden said softly.
“Tell me about the fire?” Noah requested. He figured it was a good place to start. There might be something that could give him a good look into Luke’s mind.
“Well, I know what I’ve read, what Will and Gwen have told me, and what Luke has said,” Holden began as if starting with a disclaimer.
Noah nodded, sipping his coffee.
“I went to Wyoming when I heard he was in the hospital. Will called me. If Luke was willing, I was going to bring him home. He was. I think he was tired of running.
“Anyway, Hallie was at the house with a babysitter. Will and Gwen had gone out for a date night and Luke had been at work. Luke got home and saw the smoke and flames all the way from the end of the block. The firemen had arrived and blocked off part of the street, and one fireman was leading the babysitter out of the house when Luke finally reached their driveway. She was crying but trying to tell the guy that Hallie was still inside. They didn’t know where to find her.
“Luke tried to get inside but they were stopping him. Gwen and Will showed up because a neighbor had called to tell them. Will tried to get inside the house too, to find Hallie. While the firemen were distracted with Will, Luke snuck through the barricade. You know Luke was always good with kids, and he knew Hallie really well. The girl had suffered from these night terrors ever since she was a child, and she had learned this technique for having a safe place. Luke knew Hallie would always hide in this particular closet when she was scared.
“Luke… Even if he had changed a lot in the years that had passed - well, he’s still Luke,” Holden paused, as if considering his son. “I think he can’t always fight what drives him internally.” Holden shrugged a shoulder, and Noah ducked his head to grant the notion.
“So, he found Hallie upstairs,” Holden continued. “He was trying to get out with her but the flames had blocked them in. He ended up going through the back where the garage was but something caught fire and really lit up or exploded or something, trapping them. Then part of the ceiling started to cave in. Luke grabbed Hallie and covered her with himself. She was crying the whole time. He said he looked up to see if they could find a clear path out of the garage, but all he remembered was getting hit in the face with something, and his eyes burning and he started to choke.
“Apparently, Luke had caught a face full of chemicals that had been stored in the garage - paints or paint thinners, or gasoline for the lawn mower, or something. He said he couldn’t remember what, and they never figured out which chemical it was. Luke just knew something hit his face, and then his eyes started burning like they were on fire.
“Of course, they were flammable liquids and the garage immediately lit up with flames, and Luke was afraid since he was doused the chemicals that he and Hallie would be goners. He said his eyes flooded with tears, trying to wash themselves out, his vision completely blurred, but he knew the chemicals would exacerbate the fire and they had to get out quick. He gathered Hallie up and tried to blindly make his way through the garage, his eyes streaming with tears and stinging like nothing he said he’d ever felt before.
“They finally made it outside. Luke had just set Hallie down on the grass when the rest of the garage caved in and caught his foot. The firemen rushed to get them out of danger. Hallie went straight to Will and Gwen, and they got her checked out. She had suffered some smoke inhalation and a few burns on her clothes and skin, but she was mostly just fine.
“The firemen got Luke untrapped but by then he had passed out - between the smoke inhalation, the pain, and the shock. When I saw him in the hospital, a lot of his hair had been singed, and he was recovering from some burns, and he had these patches over his eyes. But it was too late. Eye injuries are really serious. The chemicals had stayed in his eyes too long. The doctor told us that chemicals in the eyes have to be washed out immediately, otherwise they keep burning deeper. He said washing your eyes out right away can be the difference between seeing again or going blind. Obviously we found that out.”
Holden frowned and Noah fidgeted in his seat, flicking his eyes from the table to Holden’s countenance.
“Anyway, Hallie was fine, and Luke recovered well, and decided to come back to Oakdale. He couldn’t keep his job in Wyoming with being blind, but he thought he might could use his family’s connections here to get a job writing,” Holden finished the story.
“Wow,” Noah breathed.
“Yeah, he was going to talk to his grandma Lucinda when I brought him home, but…”
“But what?” Noah asked, frowning and sipping from his cup. He felt a building sense of dread.
“But he was too late. I don’t know if you knew that his grandma Lucinda had cancer several years ago. She fought it and she was fine. She’s a strong woman. But then she developed lung cancer. We had all thought she could fight it easily too, but…”
Holden’s voice trailed off and Noah’s expression softened.
“She passed away while Luke was in the hospital. He never got to say goodbye to her. Hadn’t seen her in years.”
Noah felt numb. Luke was so close with his family. He couldn’t imagine how Luke must have felt.
“She had wanted her Luke to come home and see her. Lucinda and Luke - they had a special relationship. I told Luke she was waiting for him. As soon as he could check out of the hospital, we were going straight to see her in Oakdale. But we didn’t make it.”
“She’s gone?” Noah asked quietly. He had liked Lucinda, even if didn’t know her well.
Holden nodded. Noah looked at him, realizing that the Snyder man looked older than he had the last time Noah had seen him. He could only imagine what Holden must have gone through, in the years that had passed.
“There are other things too, things Luke doesn’t like to talk about. Maybe he’ll tell you if you decide to see him again. I just…” Holden’s eyes clouded over and his voice was a little weak. “I don’t know how to help my son. I know he’s been hurt. And he’s hurting. And he’s trying to protect himself. Sometimes he lets me in. But most times, it’s hard to know what to say or do. It’s hard, as a parent, to see your child like this. To know how much pain they’ve experienced, and to not know how to help or fix things. I used to be able to fix everything for him, or at least be someone he could talk to. We had our rough moments, but he always trusted me.”
Holden shook his head and went quiet, gazing around the room and then sipping from his coffee.
“So it’s not just me?” Noah asked, then cleared his throat. “I mean, he seemed so angry. And I just thought, even after all these years…”
“No, it’s not just you,” Holden shook his head. “It’s all of us. Faith handles it pretty well though. And Ethan…I think Luke has a soft spot for him. I just…selfishly, I wish I could find the same spot.” Holden smiled a sad smile and chuckled.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Snyder,” Noah said quietly.
Holden started to protest but Noah pushed on. “No, I mean, I’m sorry for my part in this. I don’t think Luke ever would have left town had I not married Ameera. I know he agreed to it but it still wasn’t fair to him. I know I hurt him, and I hurt, too. But I don’t think I wanted to see how badly it was hurting him. And I guess I’m surprised you’re even willing to talk to me. I’m the guy that drove your son away…” Noah shook his head.
“It was a bad situation. I’m not sure what I or anyone else would have done,” Holden replied. “Luke was an adult and he could make his own decisions. And I think had he left town and found something better, something that made him happier… I think he might have been okay. But things didn’t get better for him. I’m sure he probably started to think it was him… I don’t know. But I don’t hold anything against you, Noah.”
“Thanks,” Noah said quietly, his mind still trying to keep up with what the older man was saying.
“So, you’re staying here?” Holden asked, the thickness in the air slightly mitigated as he changed the subject.
“Well, I was. But I was thinking about canceling my reservation and heading back to Chicago,” Noah said honestly.
“Leaving so soon?”
“Well… I’m not sure. After seeing Luke today… I wasn’t even sure what I was coming here for. I just wanted to see him. I didn’t know what I would say or what would happen, I just thought I could see him.”
“And now?” Holden inquired.
“I don’t know. After leaving his house I figured it was pointless. I just wanted to talk about what happened between us. See how he was, but he…” Noah swallowed. It wasn’t as though he’d been waiting on Luke for all these years and had planned to whisk him off his feet and go back to their romance. He hadn’t really thought about that. He’d been too angry and confused and hurt to think about it. Really, he had wanted answers, had wanted Luke to understand how hurt Noah had been.
“You could always try again tomorrow,” Holden said gently.
“Try again for what?” Noah asked bluntly.
“Anything?” Holden shrugged. “I feel like I’m trying over and over again every day. And some days it’s really worth it. Some days I get to see the old Luke.”
The older Snyder was so forlorn. Noah could read so much love on his face and in his voice.
“Anyway, I have to get back to the farm. If you decide to stay in town, you should stop by,” Holden suggested, setting down his empty coffee cup.
“I was only coming for the weekend. I have to work in Chicago,” Noah filled in.
“Well, good luck. And don’t be a stranger,” Holden said kindly, standing up to go.
The two men said goodbye and Noah stood in the lobby staring at the wall for a moment, trying to decide what he wanted to do. Finally the man at the desk asked if there was anything he could help Noah with.
“Yeah, I’d like to check in, please. I have a reservation for Mayer. Noah Mayer.”
Coming Soon: Chapter 3
Chapter: Two
Word Count: 5,257
Rating: PG
Warnings: mild language;; occasional and/or eventual strong language, scenes of a violent nature, scenes of a sexual nature
Characters: Luke, Noah, Ameera, Casey, Snyder family
Genre: Drama, Angst, Romance
Story Information: This story was written from April 6 - Aug. 18, 2008. It deals with the issues of love, loss, hurt, betrayal, and one's past coming back into their present again. Honestly, the title is basically the best descriptor for this story. It varies from the TV show starting around April 2007, and creates an alternate story and history for the characters involved. **The story is posted as is, in its original format, including all original errors and mistakes. It was written in American English. An update will be posted here if/when the story is re-edited.**
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by CBS and As The World Turns, et al. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Previous Chapters: 1
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Luke had recognized Noah the moment he had opened the front door - even though Luke hadn’t been able to see him.
In the last few months his senses had been honed, making up for what he was now lacking. Luke had told the person at the front door to come in, and admittedly he had expected a Snyder. But the moment the door opened, Luke knew.
The door creaked; feet sounded on the kitchen floor. The movement and the breeze coming through the doorway carried upon it a scent - a smell that Luke had never forgotten, one he had loved, one that had tortured him, and one he thought he might hate.
Hate; it was a strong word.
Maybe not hate, but something close to it.
Luke always found it strange how downplayed the sense of smell had always been, compared to the other senses people used. But in truth it was a powerful sense, and it was one of the most highly attuned of all the senses when it came to recalling memories.
Noah was standing in Luke’s kitchen - a man Luke had once loved, a man who had broken his heart with all the best intentions, a man that had tormented Luke’s mind for years, a man Luke had left in his past, never to be revisited again. Noah stood there, and before a word even left his mouth, Luke’s mind was bombarded with images, all stirred from that one breath of Noah’s familiar scent, somehow locked away in the stores of Luke’s mind.
He felt ambushed. He saw a pond, and camping, wet skin, stolen kisses, folding laundry, and a marriage. He saw a ring, and graduation, felt fingers in his hair, hands on his hips, skin against his own. A birthday party, interrupted kisses, and a class project. Noah’s eyes - bright and blue. His back - strong and beautiful. And the taste of his skin - hidden and pushed away and almost nearly, but obviously not quite forgotten.
Luke swallowed, angry at the attack within his memories. He hadn’t given any such permission, and it wasn’t fair that one sniff of Noah’s cologne and natural smell, carried on the breeze, could be enough to stir so much within Luke.
He could see so much in his mind. Sometimes he found it strange, comparing his memories from the past - the ones he had seen - with the new memories he had now, devoid of images, or else drawn in his head to what he thought things should look like.
Luke forced himself to swallow, pushing down the increasing pang in his stomach.
He didn’t know what Noah was doing there, in his kitchen, and why today of all days he had chosen to cross Luke’s path. Luke had thought he’d made it clear.
Noah was in the past.
Luke couldn’t go back there. Not any more. Not ever again.
“What?” Noah asked.
“I’m blind,” Luke said again, emphasizing the word.
Noah fumbled for a response, stopping and starting, stuttering. Luke shook his head, slowly pulling his hand out of Noah’s grasp.
As if Noah’s scent on the air hadn’t been bad enough, the touch of his fingers, the way his hand slid against Luke’s wrist… It had stopped Luke’s heart - and not in that romantic, childish way he used to think of things. No, in a scary and overwhelming way. He hadn’t realized that it was possible to memorize someone’s touch, but Noah’s fingers on Luke’s wrist really felt like Noah. And feeling him - Luke’s sense of touch was ten times more sensitive that it had been in the past.
The touch, those warm fingers, carried memories of their own - more memories of skin, and kissing, touching, and exploring fingers.
Noah stood so close, surprising Luke in his determination. His scent was strong when he lingered next to Luke, and his grip had been tight but strangely familiar.
Somehow, a touch - from someone, anyone - now wielded so much power over Luke.
At times, his new blindness convinced him he lived in a black void. Sometimes voices would enter into the emptiness, and other times, smells, or tastes. But when someone would touch him - a hand or fingers, someone leaning against him, or sitting next to him - his world suddenly contained another person, living and warm and making contact with him. He didn’t think he could ever explain it to anyone.
But Noah’s hand along Luke’s wrist had taken his breath away.
Noah was really there.
But Luke didn’t want him there, didn’t want Noah’s touch to render him breathless. It wasn’t fair that he had tried so hard to live off the map, to keep any word from getting to Noah. And one stupid article had ruined that.
Luke shook his head to himself. One more thing to add to the list…
“What…? Blind…?” Noah stammered. “What happened?”
“Not a very reliable newspaper article, was it?” Luke joked sarcastically, moving his hands over the counter to search for any groceries he’d not gotten put away yet. Faith had come by and dropped off more food for him before leaving for work, just minutes before Noah had arrived.
“It just talked about the fire, and that everyone survived,” Noah answered.
“Yep, we all lived. Isn’t it great?” Luke snipped sardonically. “I somehow keep managing to survive all these near deaths. You’d think my time would come eventually.”
He could hear the sarcasm dripping from his own voice, and he didn’t care.
“Don’t talk like that,” Noah reprimanded, not exactly soft, but not harsh either.
“Good thing you’re here to save the day again,” Luke said in an exaggerated voice before shaking his head. “But I really don’t think you’re going to be able to fix this one.”
“It’s permanent?” Noah asked again.
Luke rolled his eyes. He didn’t remember Noah being so slow on the uptake when they were younger.
“How’d it happen?” Noah inquired.
Luke found Noah’s tolerance unexpected, but he couldn’t say he had the same capacity.
“Look, it’s not story time. What are you here for?” Luke asked, growing impatient.
“I…”
Luke thought he could hear Noah swallow. He was still standing nearby, but Luke had gained some space in his movements to put away the fruit he’d misplaced on the counter. He still didn’t understand what Noah expected.
“I just…” Noah tried again. Luke could hear him fidgeting, his clothing rustling and his fingertips drumming on the countertop so that one of his nails kept clicking softly, as if scratching something.
“You wanted to see me, and you saw me,” Luke snapped. “Can’t say the same for myself.”
“Fine,” Noah growled, his shirt rustling again. “Forget it. I don’t want to do this. It was stupid to come here anyway. You obviously don’t have anything to say to me, and whatever I thought I had to say to you - you don’t really care, do you?”
He huffed and turned, and Luke listened as Noah moved back to the kitchen door, slamming it behind himself. His kitchen was still and silent for a moment. Sometimes Luke had a fear that someone would try to fool him - close the kitchen door but still remain standing silently, watching him. It was unsettling and it always bothered him. But he knew Noah had left. He heard feet on his porch outside and a car starting up out near the front curb.
He was gone.
..:..
Noah flung his truck door closed in frustration and headed for the entrance of the Lakeview. He thought he’d ask them about canceling his reservation and he could drive back to Chicago without even staying a night in Oakdale. There had been nothing to come back to Oakdale for, and apparently there was nothing still.
He didn’t even know what to think about Luke.
The anger and sarcasm. Part of Noah was really sad to see Luke that way. It wasn’t Luke, or at least it didn’t feel like him. It felt wrong. Noah couldn’t help wondering what had happened. Where had that Snyder boy gone?
But a larger part of Noah was incensed. Luke didn’t have the monopoly on anger and pain. They had both been through hell with the marriage to Ameera. They had never expected it to last five years, and Noah knew it had been asking a lot of Luke. But Luke had said they’d do it together. He had promised early on to always be there.
Noah couldn’t really hold it against him for breaking the promise.
Except that he wanted to, because he had wanted to be with Luke. After graduation, Luke had left and there had only been another year or so remaining and then Noah and Ameera could get their divorce and Luke and Noah could finally be together. But five years…
Noah shook his head. He had questioned himself at times, going through phases when he had thought that he couldn’t blame Luke. Noah had told himself that he wasn’t really worth waiting so long for. He wasn’t worth Luke going through so much. It was better this way. Luke could be happy and Noah - he could… Well, he could at least think of Luke in a better situation, not watching the person he loved living a lie and dragging him into it.
That phase had passed and several more had followed, some less painful, others more helpful, and a few downright ugly. The question today, though, was - had he really ever known Luke? The guy who had promised to stand by him, had broken the promise, had effectively rid himself of Noah completely, and then five years later was displaying a kind of cruel, derisive detachment?
But Noah had tried, in the years that had passed, to understand.
Luke had loved him. And the only thing Luke had wanted was for them to be together, and that was the one thing Noah had robbed him of by marrying Ameera. They both knew it had saved her life. But Noah had asked a lot of Luke - too much, perhaps. Even if Luke had promised… A part of Noah knew that Luke would have promised anything and tried to support him any way he could. Maybe Noah had had a responsibility towards his boyfriend to know when it was too much. But he hadn’t thought about it then. He wasn’t sure what to think now.
Noah moved toward the front desk and nearly walked right into another man. He straightened and reached out to apologize when he saw a set of familiar blue eyes.
“H-Holden,” Noah stuttered. He swallowed dryly, displeased with the stammer that didn’t often make a reappearance anymore but was making itself known today.
“Noah,” Holden replied with complete surprise, stepping back to look at him.
The two men stood awkwardly and tried to recover the moment.
“I haven’t seen you in a long time,” Holden said seriously. “What are you doing in Oakdale?”
Noah wondered what Holden thought of him, but the two had parted on friendlier terms than Noah and Luke had. Noah could still remember going out to the farm, two days after Luke and Ameera’s graduation. He had wanted to see Luke, and after their brief tussle near the restrooms - he had thought, hoped, that maybe he and Luke could…
He had missed Luke, and he had just needed to see him again. Ameera had gone off to spend the day with her newly graduated girl friends and Noah had hours upon hours at his expense. He just wanted to go to the farm, see Luke, talk with him, touch him, remind him that there was just over a year left and they were going to make it through this together and maybe, just maybe, they could spend some time alone together that day. Celebrate graduation. Try to give themselves something to last until the next moment, the next time…the next year when Noah would be a free man.
“Luke’s not here,” Holden had told Noah on that warm August day.
“Wh-what?” Noah had asked, taken aback.
“He left, Noah,” Holden said seriously, reaching a hand out to Noah’s arm.
The two men had stood in the disserted farmhouse kitchen. Holden was playing father to him, something Noah had appreciated, no matter how stressed things had gotten between Luke and Noah. Holden was always there, acting more like a dad that the Colonel ever had.
“Where is he?” Noah asked.
“He left a note,” Holden said sadly.
It was then that Noah realized something was wrong with Holden. The older man was obviously carrying a weight on his shoulders.
“He said Will invited him to move in with their family. Will and Gwen just recently graduated from the University and they’re moving out of state for Will’s new job. So he left sometime during the night. He didn’t want to have to say goodbye to everyone, I think. He said he’d call.”
Holden was sad and Noah couldn’t breathe.
“He was really hurting,” Holden said quietly.
Noah knew why Luke was hurting, and wondered if there was an accusation in that remark. Holden had taken Noah in, had supported them because he supported his son. But they both knew why Luke had been in so much pain.
Noah knew but he hadn’t wanted to believe it was so bad, hadn’t wanted to think it would drive Luke to act in ways that were unlike himself. That Luke would run away. Abandon his family. Leave without telling a soul.
That he would leave Noah.
Noah couldn’t speak, but Holden seemed to know.
“I’m sorry, Noah. He didn’t give any way to contact him, but I know he took his cell phone. I don’t think he wanted to be followed. I think he just needs some time.”
Noah had spent the next year hoping that maybe the time Luke needed would eventually bring him back to Oakdale, perhaps just at the right moment. He could still remember signing the divorce papers and finally stepping out into the sunlight as a free man. He had had this dream of Luke being there - of Luke somehow knowing, and magically showing up the moment Noah was single again, and everything could return to normal.
Of course he had known there would be things to fix, apologies to be made, promises to be kept.
But Luke hadn’t been there. And a week later, Noah still hadn’t heard from Luke or seen him. Months passed. Noah eventually moved off to Chicago, where ever he could find work. The years came and went and still nothing from Luke.
Once Noah had been cleaning out his things when he was getting ready to move to Chicago. He had found an old contact sheet from his days as an intern at WOAK. It had Luke’s e-mail address on it and Noah had immediately written him.
The email came back. The inbox was full.
Noah had tried Luke’s cell phone for a long time right after he left. All his calls went unanswered, and he had left too many voice mails to count. But eventually one day he called and the number was no longer in use.
He had been completely thrust out of Luke’s life.
In some moments, he could understand. Most moments, it just hurt, because he had never stopped loving Luke. He hadn’t thought deciding to get married would mean he was choosing between Ameera and Luke; between Ameera’s life and his life with Luke. But it turned into that, and it hurt. It had hurt them both.
Holden cleared his throat and Noah’s head snapped up, remembering he was in the Lakeview lobby, speaking with Luke’s father.
“I, uh… Luke,” Noah sighed, answering the previous question that had been left hanging in the air.
Holden swallowed and nodded.
Noah fidgeted, not sure what to say or do.
“And?” Holden asked.
Noah’s eyes cast across the carpet, looking for a proper response. His gaze flicked up to meet Holden’s and their eyes locked, as if Holden could see the entire scene from Luke’s kitchen through Noah’s eyes.
“Let me guess,” Holden tried gently. “It was nothing like you expected?”
Noah shook his head.
“Is this the first time you’ve seen him since he left?” Holden asked.
“Yeah,” Noah answered softly.
“He’s different,” Holden replied.
“Yeah.”
The two stood for a moment while quietness washed over them and Noah shifted on his feet.
“Look, do you have a minute?” Holden asked Noah.
Noah furrowed his brow as Holden continued.
“I was just taking care of some things here. But if you have a few minutes, we should talk,” Holden explained.
“Yeah, okay,” Noah shrugged. His trip to Oakdale had been pointless, otherwise. He figured he might as well sit with Holden for awhile before checking out of the hotel. There were probably things he needed to say to Holden, after all.
The two men were sitting in the Lakeview lobby a few minutes later, each with a cup of coffee. Both seemed to be working at how to begin. Noah could think of so many things to ask Holden - all things he had gone years without asking. At first, after Luke had left, Noah would try to ask his parents, look for any way he could to find out where his boyfriend had gone. They never told, and Holden insisted he didn’t have an address for him anyway. And if Luke didn’t want to be found, Holden couldn’t break his trust. Noah hadn’t wanted to keep asking, or keep putting Holden between them. It wouldn’t have been fair, and anyway Noah knew he could never win out over Luke, when it came to Holden’s loyalty. Not unless Holden believed it would have been for his son’s best interest. Clearly, that hadn’t been the case.
Now, Noah didn’t know where to begin.
“What happened to him?” Noah finally asked. The question had been rolling over and over in his mind ever since he had left Luke’s kitchen.
Holden looked at him. “Do you mean physically or…”
“I mean, he’s not himself anymore,” Noah said sadly.
“He’s been through a lot,” Holden said seriously.
“Who hasn’t?” Noah asked.
Holden ducked his head, as if granting Noah the point. “I know what happened between you guys wasn’t easy, and I know it hurt you both. But things never got better for Luke.”
“What makes you think they got better for me?” Noah asked defensively, knowing he should probably check his tone with Holden. He respected the man, but Noah was still reacting against the hostility he had received from Luke earlier.
“I get what you’re saying, Noah, and I’m not making excuses for my son. But I know him.” He paused. “Or I knew him. Something happened to him.” Holden hesitated again and Noah concentrated more carefully on his words.
“I barely recognize the boy I raised…”
Holden’s voice trailed off and Noah was startled to see his eyes looking a little glassy.
Holden blinked, looking away. Noah had never seen the older man cry. Noah could still remember Holden leaving the room to deal with his emotions when Luke had learned to walk again. Sitting before Noah now, the older man seemed to recover his composure well enough to continue.
“I only saw him once or twice in the last five years, before he came back after the fire,” Holden said softly.
“Tell me about the fire?” Noah requested. He figured it was a good place to start. There might be something that could give him a good look into Luke’s mind.
“Well, I know what I’ve read, what Will and Gwen have told me, and what Luke has said,” Holden began as if starting with a disclaimer.
Noah nodded, sipping his coffee.
“I went to Wyoming when I heard he was in the hospital. Will called me. If Luke was willing, I was going to bring him home. He was. I think he was tired of running.
“Anyway, Hallie was at the house with a babysitter. Will and Gwen had gone out for a date night and Luke had been at work. Luke got home and saw the smoke and flames all the way from the end of the block. The firemen had arrived and blocked off part of the street, and one fireman was leading the babysitter out of the house when Luke finally reached their driveway. She was crying but trying to tell the guy that Hallie was still inside. They didn’t know where to find her.
“Luke tried to get inside but they were stopping him. Gwen and Will showed up because a neighbor had called to tell them. Will tried to get inside the house too, to find Hallie. While the firemen were distracted with Will, Luke snuck through the barricade. You know Luke was always good with kids, and he knew Hallie really well. The girl had suffered from these night terrors ever since she was a child, and she had learned this technique for having a safe place. Luke knew Hallie would always hide in this particular closet when she was scared.
“Luke… Even if he had changed a lot in the years that had passed - well, he’s still Luke,” Holden paused, as if considering his son. “I think he can’t always fight what drives him internally.” Holden shrugged a shoulder, and Noah ducked his head to grant the notion.
“So, he found Hallie upstairs,” Holden continued. “He was trying to get out with her but the flames had blocked them in. He ended up going through the back where the garage was but something caught fire and really lit up or exploded or something, trapping them. Then part of the ceiling started to cave in. Luke grabbed Hallie and covered her with himself. She was crying the whole time. He said he looked up to see if they could find a clear path out of the garage, but all he remembered was getting hit in the face with something, and his eyes burning and he started to choke.
“Apparently, Luke had caught a face full of chemicals that had been stored in the garage - paints or paint thinners, or gasoline for the lawn mower, or something. He said he couldn’t remember what, and they never figured out which chemical it was. Luke just knew something hit his face, and then his eyes started burning like they were on fire.
“Of course, they were flammable liquids and the garage immediately lit up with flames, and Luke was afraid since he was doused the chemicals that he and Hallie would be goners. He said his eyes flooded with tears, trying to wash themselves out, his vision completely blurred, but he knew the chemicals would exacerbate the fire and they had to get out quick. He gathered Hallie up and tried to blindly make his way through the garage, his eyes streaming with tears and stinging like nothing he said he’d ever felt before.
“They finally made it outside. Luke had just set Hallie down on the grass when the rest of the garage caved in and caught his foot. The firemen rushed to get them out of danger. Hallie went straight to Will and Gwen, and they got her checked out. She had suffered some smoke inhalation and a few burns on her clothes and skin, but she was mostly just fine.
“The firemen got Luke untrapped but by then he had passed out - between the smoke inhalation, the pain, and the shock. When I saw him in the hospital, a lot of his hair had been singed, and he was recovering from some burns, and he had these patches over his eyes. But it was too late. Eye injuries are really serious. The chemicals had stayed in his eyes too long. The doctor told us that chemicals in the eyes have to be washed out immediately, otherwise they keep burning deeper. He said washing your eyes out right away can be the difference between seeing again or going blind. Obviously we found that out.”
Holden frowned and Noah fidgeted in his seat, flicking his eyes from the table to Holden’s countenance.
“Anyway, Hallie was fine, and Luke recovered well, and decided to come back to Oakdale. He couldn’t keep his job in Wyoming with being blind, but he thought he might could use his family’s connections here to get a job writing,” Holden finished the story.
“Wow,” Noah breathed.
“Yeah, he was going to talk to his grandma Lucinda when I brought him home, but…”
“But what?” Noah asked, frowning and sipping from his cup. He felt a building sense of dread.
“But he was too late. I don’t know if you knew that his grandma Lucinda had cancer several years ago. She fought it and she was fine. She’s a strong woman. But then she developed lung cancer. We had all thought she could fight it easily too, but…”
Holden’s voice trailed off and Noah’s expression softened.
“She passed away while Luke was in the hospital. He never got to say goodbye to her. Hadn’t seen her in years.”
Noah felt numb. Luke was so close with his family. He couldn’t imagine how Luke must have felt.
“She had wanted her Luke to come home and see her. Lucinda and Luke - they had a special relationship. I told Luke she was waiting for him. As soon as he could check out of the hospital, we were going straight to see her in Oakdale. But we didn’t make it.”
“She’s gone?” Noah asked quietly. He had liked Lucinda, even if didn’t know her well.
Holden nodded. Noah looked at him, realizing that the Snyder man looked older than he had the last time Noah had seen him. He could only imagine what Holden must have gone through, in the years that had passed.
“There are other things too, things Luke doesn’t like to talk about. Maybe he’ll tell you if you decide to see him again. I just…” Holden’s eyes clouded over and his voice was a little weak. “I don’t know how to help my son. I know he’s been hurt. And he’s hurting. And he’s trying to protect himself. Sometimes he lets me in. But most times, it’s hard to know what to say or do. It’s hard, as a parent, to see your child like this. To know how much pain they’ve experienced, and to not know how to help or fix things. I used to be able to fix everything for him, or at least be someone he could talk to. We had our rough moments, but he always trusted me.”
Holden shook his head and went quiet, gazing around the room and then sipping from his coffee.
“So it’s not just me?” Noah asked, then cleared his throat. “I mean, he seemed so angry. And I just thought, even after all these years…”
“No, it’s not just you,” Holden shook his head. “It’s all of us. Faith handles it pretty well though. And Ethan…I think Luke has a soft spot for him. I just…selfishly, I wish I could find the same spot.” Holden smiled a sad smile and chuckled.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Snyder,” Noah said quietly.
Holden started to protest but Noah pushed on. “No, I mean, I’m sorry for my part in this. I don’t think Luke ever would have left town had I not married Ameera. I know he agreed to it but it still wasn’t fair to him. I know I hurt him, and I hurt, too. But I don’t think I wanted to see how badly it was hurting him. And I guess I’m surprised you’re even willing to talk to me. I’m the guy that drove your son away…” Noah shook his head.
“It was a bad situation. I’m not sure what I or anyone else would have done,” Holden replied. “Luke was an adult and he could make his own decisions. And I think had he left town and found something better, something that made him happier… I think he might have been okay. But things didn’t get better for him. I’m sure he probably started to think it was him… I don’t know. But I don’t hold anything against you, Noah.”
“Thanks,” Noah said quietly, his mind still trying to keep up with what the older man was saying.
“So, you’re staying here?” Holden asked, the thickness in the air slightly mitigated as he changed the subject.
“Well, I was. But I was thinking about canceling my reservation and heading back to Chicago,” Noah said honestly.
“Leaving so soon?”
“Well… I’m not sure. After seeing Luke today… I wasn’t even sure what I was coming here for. I just wanted to see him. I didn’t know what I would say or what would happen, I just thought I could see him.”
“And now?” Holden inquired.
“I don’t know. After leaving his house I figured it was pointless. I just wanted to talk about what happened between us. See how he was, but he…” Noah swallowed. It wasn’t as though he’d been waiting on Luke for all these years and had planned to whisk him off his feet and go back to their romance. He hadn’t really thought about that. He’d been too angry and confused and hurt to think about it. Really, he had wanted answers, had wanted Luke to understand how hurt Noah had been.
“You could always try again tomorrow,” Holden said gently.
“Try again for what?” Noah asked bluntly.
“Anything?” Holden shrugged. “I feel like I’m trying over and over again every day. And some days it’s really worth it. Some days I get to see the old Luke.”
The older Snyder was so forlorn. Noah could read so much love on his face and in his voice.
“Anyway, I have to get back to the farm. If you decide to stay in town, you should stop by,” Holden suggested, setting down his empty coffee cup.
“I was only coming for the weekend. I have to work in Chicago,” Noah filled in.
“Well, good luck. And don’t be a stranger,” Holden said kindly, standing up to go.
The two men said goodbye and Noah stood in the lobby staring at the wall for a moment, trying to decide what he wanted to do. Finally the man at the desk asked if there was anything he could help Noah with.
“Yeah, I’d like to check in, please. I have a reservation for Mayer. Noah Mayer.”
Coming Soon: Chapter 3