(no subject)
feeling empty again today, don't really know why. i just get these waves of feeling incredibly lonely and useless. i feel like i don't want to do anything, i don't want to be around. i hate this feeling, but i also can't help but feel it. i've been feeling alone for awhile. i don't miss dan, don't even get me started. i think i just miss the feeling of being in a relationship, the feeling of knowing you're wanted and someone cares about you. i miss THAT feeling. i don't miss the relationship i had with dan at all, it wasn't how he treated me, it's just the feeling of being wanted. i miss having someone who thinks about me, who wants to be with me. i miss that. especially when i'm surrounded by friends who are all in relationships, literally. all of my best friends are in relationships, and i'm surrounded and constantly reminded that i'm alone, and that's hard.
to put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay is getting old, and getting harder everyday. everything isn't okay with me, but i just have to play pretend. i'm usually always incredibly sad, but i just don't want people to know. i don't want people to think i'm charity case and think they have to be extra sensitive to me. i think because i grew up in a household where expressing your feelings wasn't priority number one has greatly affected me now. it's hard to express how i feel, it's hard just to be open with people. i mean, i don't recall ever crying in front of my best friends... my best friends. i just feel weak if i cry in front of them i guess, so i just cry when i'm alone... i know that's not good though, but i just can't help it.
it's just hard to admit when you are hurting and need help, need comfort. i console with a friend, but he's a little too far to help. i really appreciate what he has done for me, more than i'll probably ever say. it's hard for me to admit to my friends there is something wrong, i don't want to be that one downer in their lives. like "oh, we better do this for jackie" or "let's not do this, it will make jackie sad." i just don't want to feel like some burden on people's lives, that's now how i am. i would always strive to try to make people happy, not to bring them down.
hopefully i can go to therapy once i get my benefits, and try to figure this all out. i enjoyed going to therapy at cal state, and i think it did help me through a rough time, so hopefully going now will help even more. i just hope it's covered and not too expensive. maybe i can get on some medication that will help balance me out, or just help me get out of this rut. i'm scared to become what my sister and dad became, so close to wanting to die, i don't want to be that bad. i want to fight it, i want to be able to overcome this and not get to that point where they did.
to put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay is getting old, and getting harder everyday. everything isn't okay with me, but i just have to play pretend. i'm usually always incredibly sad, but i just don't want people to know. i don't want people to think i'm charity case and think they have to be extra sensitive to me. i think because i grew up in a household where expressing your feelings wasn't priority number one has greatly affected me now. it's hard to express how i feel, it's hard just to be open with people. i mean, i don't recall ever crying in front of my best friends... my best friends. i just feel weak if i cry in front of them i guess, so i just cry when i'm alone... i know that's not good though, but i just can't help it.
it's just hard to admit when you are hurting and need help, need comfort. i console with a friend, but he's a little too far to help. i really appreciate what he has done for me, more than i'll probably ever say. it's hard for me to admit to my friends there is something wrong, i don't want to be that one downer in their lives. like "oh, we better do this for jackie" or "let's not do this, it will make jackie sad." i just don't want to feel like some burden on people's lives, that's now how i am. i would always strive to try to make people happy, not to bring them down.
hopefully i can go to therapy once i get my benefits, and try to figure this all out. i enjoyed going to therapy at cal state, and i think it did help me through a rough time, so hopefully going now will help even more. i just hope it's covered and not too expensive. maybe i can get on some medication that will help balance me out, or just help me get out of this rut. i'm scared to become what my sister and dad became, so close to wanting to die, i don't want to be that bad. i want to fight it, i want to be able to overcome this and not get to that point where they did.