so i was thinking this should be a private entry, but theres really no reason.
its kind of pathetic how i quit smoking pot [32 days strong], quit smoking butts [ok cut back alot and stopped buying them] and quit drinking [going on 2 weeks].. and i feel like more of an outsider with the people who are supposed to be my friends then ever before. it just seems like if im not out partying, then my friends dont really want to hang out with me. i dunno, it might all be in my head. it might not be. all i know is that i guess its true what they say, drinking and smoking do make you fit in, and i think thats why alot of people do it.
its also true what they say about how it takes over your life and makes you feel like without it, nothing is fun. well im without it, and everything seems the same. except for the going out part. i mean, the only difference is now that im not to intoxicated i can actually dance all night if i want to. i think my body just needed a break and a minute to clear out all the toxins in it. im not sure if im going to start drinking and/or smoking again... probably though. because i really do feel like an outsider without it. how sad is that.
so i realized that since ive been in gainesville i havent really liked or cared about any guy like i thought. i have been infatuated, in lust, and liked the fact of having someone to share my big, empty bed with; but there hasnt been any real feelings. i guess im just not ready. and im not sure if i really will be. i honestly think i might have lost the ability to care. because as much as i wish i could change it, as much as i wish my head could convince myself, my heart belongs to the guy who stole from me and left. i know, im an idiot. i know, as of right now we dont even talk. but i also know that without him i havent felt like myself. and after 7 months of not even seeing the kid, having these feelings must mean one of two things: im either really pathetic or i really do love him.
ive been running alot. it helps me sort things out. thats why i havent written in awhile. when i just cant deal, i run. i run hard. harder and harder. lately when i go running i have so much on my mind, i dont want to stop. i realized running is the one thing that levels me. im not too much of a talker, i like to put up fronts. im not too much of a crier, i hide my tears even from myself. i think im just a runner, i just hit the pavement hard and alone and i feel almost back to normal for a little while.
i think i have a serious image problem lately. i dont ever think ive looked in the mirror and said "eww" but lately i have. i dont know if its a good or a bad thing. but i do know i feel like i look disgusting. ive never had this feeling. and i dont know where it came from. probably from feeling like im not good enough because of the rejections ive got here. or the loss of a connection with him. or just the general loss of a connection with anyone around here.
i dont want it to seem like i have no friends. i do. two just called. but for some reason ive been lying to them and saying im busy when im not. or saying i have to work early when i dont. i just dont feel like... i dont know. this is the stuff im trying to figure out with myself. i guess the truth is i dont feel like i have any true friends.
and thats why im on my own. and i dont think i would want it any other way.
its also true what they say about how it takes over your life and makes you feel like without it, nothing is fun. well im without it, and everything seems the same. except for the going out part. i mean, the only difference is now that im not to intoxicated i can actually dance all night if i want to. i think my body just needed a break and a minute to clear out all the toxins in it. im not sure if im going to start drinking and/or smoking again... probably though. because i really do feel like an outsider without it. how sad is that.
so i realized that since ive been in gainesville i havent really liked or cared about any guy like i thought. i have been infatuated, in lust, and liked the fact of having someone to share my big, empty bed with; but there hasnt been any real feelings. i guess im just not ready. and im not sure if i really will be. i honestly think i might have lost the ability to care. because as much as i wish i could change it, as much as i wish my head could convince myself, my heart belongs to the guy who stole from me and left. i know, im an idiot. i know, as of right now we dont even talk. but i also know that without him i havent felt like myself. and after 7 months of not even seeing the kid, having these feelings must mean one of two things: im either really pathetic or i really do love him.
ive been running alot. it helps me sort things out. thats why i havent written in awhile. when i just cant deal, i run. i run hard. harder and harder. lately when i go running i have so much on my mind, i dont want to stop. i realized running is the one thing that levels me. im not too much of a talker, i like to put up fronts. im not too much of a crier, i hide my tears even from myself. i think im just a runner, i just hit the pavement hard and alone and i feel almost back to normal for a little while.
i think i have a serious image problem lately. i dont ever think ive looked in the mirror and said "eww" but lately i have. i dont know if its a good or a bad thing. but i do know i feel like i look disgusting. ive never had this feeling. and i dont know where it came from. probably from feeling like im not good enough because of the rejections ive got here. or the loss of a connection with him. or just the general loss of a connection with anyone around here.
i dont want it to seem like i have no friends. i do. two just called. but for some reason ive been lying to them and saying im busy when im not. or saying i have to work early when i dont. i just dont feel like... i dont know. this is the stuff im trying to figure out with myself. i guess the truth is i dont feel like i have any true friends.
and thats why im on my own. and i dont think i would want it any other way.