i can never sleep alone anymore.. thoughts that i dont wanna think come
well a lot has happened since i last wrote..i have things to vent
i dont work at the soda fountain anymore.. now i work at a store down at old orchard beach. its a lot of fun, i love it. its so much more me then the soda fountain. more of my type of people..
my boyfriend is awesome. he makes me happy and takes my mind off all the hurt that the last couple of guys have caused me. sometimes i feel kinda guilty about being with him..he's such a sweetheart and so in love with me that i get scared that im gonna fuck up..because i always fuck up. sometimes i feel like we're getting attached to quickly.. i wish my head was how it used to be before richard fucked it up. i wish i wouldve met chris before richard.. before i turned into a headcase that has major trust and self confidence issues. i just feel like im gonna bring him down.. i dont know anymore. i do know that i really must love him because of how i feel around him.. and because i put myself out there to get hurt again.. not that he'll hurt me.. but im trusting him with my heart..
richard got the internet back.. we talked. i wish i could act like a total stranger to him like he does to me. its just weird. and i still hurt. and i still cry. and i dont think its going to stop anytime soon.. i hate this. i hate that someone that i gave everything i had too could hurt me this badly. i hate that i cant stop caring. i hate that he already has. i hate that chris doesnt know that i still care about richard like this.. but i will never let myself go back to him. i could never love someone who did this to me. who royally fucked me and my life over. i hate that i ever let richard mean anything to me because it was a big joke. i hate knowing two years of my life was a big joke. i hate that im still crying everynight im alone about someone who didnt even care.
sometimes it scares me how much hate i feel towards her. when i think about her i start shaking. ive never hated anyone this much before. i dont like it. i hate how id be happy if i heard she died. i dont know whats wrong with me.. but i do know that i really can never see that girl or i really dont know what would happen. i hate her so much i cant trust myself anywhere near her. i really hope i never see her because as far as im concerned.. it would be a very bad situation for her because im not fueled by addrenaline anymore, but by hatred. and that is when situations turn bad. i really hope i never see her. i dont want to know what id do. it feels like im a stranger to my own self when i think about her.. i dont understand how i could have so much hatred in me..i dont like it either.
theres so many feelings in me i wanted to vent some out cause i thought id feel better. but i dont. i feel overwhelmed. i have a knot in my throat. i dont know what i need to fix or end before it goes away. but theres something. and i think im going to figure it out soon because i cant feel like this much longer without flippin out..
i wish chris was here. id be with him and i wouldnt be anything but happy. i wouldnt be thinking about things that dont matter anymore.. or that shouldnt matter anymore..i would be able to get some sleep because hed be holding me and it would keep away all these thoughts. i miss him so much.. im kinda mad at myself for letting myself fall this hard again, i shouldve learned my lesson the first time.
"love like you've never been hurt"
im trying that out.
i dont work at the soda fountain anymore.. now i work at a store down at old orchard beach. its a lot of fun, i love it. its so much more me then the soda fountain. more of my type of people..
my boyfriend is awesome. he makes me happy and takes my mind off all the hurt that the last couple of guys have caused me. sometimes i feel kinda guilty about being with him..he's such a sweetheart and so in love with me that i get scared that im gonna fuck up..because i always fuck up. sometimes i feel like we're getting attached to quickly.. i wish my head was how it used to be before richard fucked it up. i wish i wouldve met chris before richard.. before i turned into a headcase that has major trust and self confidence issues. i just feel like im gonna bring him down.. i dont know anymore. i do know that i really must love him because of how i feel around him.. and because i put myself out there to get hurt again.. not that he'll hurt me.. but im trusting him with my heart..
richard got the internet back.. we talked. i wish i could act like a total stranger to him like he does to me. its just weird. and i still hurt. and i still cry. and i dont think its going to stop anytime soon.. i hate this. i hate that someone that i gave everything i had too could hurt me this badly. i hate that i cant stop caring. i hate that he already has. i hate that chris doesnt know that i still care about richard like this.. but i will never let myself go back to him. i could never love someone who did this to me. who royally fucked me and my life over. i hate that i ever let richard mean anything to me because it was a big joke. i hate knowing two years of my life was a big joke. i hate that im still crying everynight im alone about someone who didnt even care.
sometimes it scares me how much hate i feel towards her. when i think about her i start shaking. ive never hated anyone this much before. i dont like it. i hate how id be happy if i heard she died. i dont know whats wrong with me.. but i do know that i really can never see that girl or i really dont know what would happen. i hate her so much i cant trust myself anywhere near her. i really hope i never see her because as far as im concerned.. it would be a very bad situation for her because im not fueled by addrenaline anymore, but by hatred. and that is when situations turn bad. i really hope i never see her. i dont want to know what id do. it feels like im a stranger to my own self when i think about her.. i dont understand how i could have so much hatred in me..i dont like it either.
theres so many feelings in me i wanted to vent some out cause i thought id feel better. but i dont. i feel overwhelmed. i have a knot in my throat. i dont know what i need to fix or end before it goes away. but theres something. and i think im going to figure it out soon because i cant feel like this much longer without flippin out..
i wish chris was here. id be with him and i wouldnt be anything but happy. i wouldnt be thinking about things that dont matter anymore.. or that shouldnt matter anymore..i would be able to get some sleep because hed be holding me and it would keep away all these thoughts. i miss him so much.. im kinda mad at myself for letting myself fall this hard again, i shouldve learned my lesson the first time.
"love like you've never been hurt"
im trying that out.