As a new year approaches, an old one ends...
I feel like I'm growing... like I'm learning.
And not just about the world, or about other people, or more about my major in college, but more about myself... more about my fears... and especially more about my fears...
I'm afraid of sex. I always have been in a way, but the other day I realized something I didn't know I was afraid of before.
I'm afraid I'd be bad at it.
Now, I used to be quite the loner, and quite the low self-esteem kid, but I've gotten a lot better since those old junior high days. In fact, I don't really have any problems with self-esteem. So I'll be the first to admit I was a bit surprised by the thought of being bad at it as being a fear that I have, and then the picture began to unfold a bit more...
I've grown up in the church, and so typically the church kind of teaches this "Sex is bad, don't touch it" sort of mentality (except when you're married of course). So I'm a little nervous about sex because of that, and so I'm a little afraid that when I do end up having sex (I'm a virgin) I'll be a little stunned or shakey at the whole.... "whoa, we're doing that dangerous thing everyone told me about" kind of feeling.
And I'm afraid that I won't be any good at it. I'm afraid I'll be overly nervous, I'm afraid I won't do things right, I'm afraid the girl will have to lead, I'm afraid I won't be able to find a good rhythm, and all in all.... that I won't be any good, that the girl won't orgasm, and that I'll feel like a fool if I do and she's completely turned off.
Now, the logical side of me knows I have nothing to worry about. Sex isn't a show or a contest, there's no prize, and I'll certainly have my fair share of time to figure things out incase I'm not a Sexual Pro-Athlete once I first jump in the ring. But I still have this fear in me. However, now that I know I have this fear, that is the first step to overcoming it. And reminding myself that I have nothing to worry about, and since there's no hurry for get me out the door and into bed with someone, I've got time.
I guess this has come to mind because things are going really well with my recent girlfriend and I couldn't ask for better. We're very much interested in each other and hanging out has been a blessing and a blast. Now, we're very far from having sex, but I've noticed that even some of my physical limits need stretching because of my nervousness or shy tendencies toward anything even remotely related to sex.
My body will get all tense, and I'll blush, and my heart will race, and my breathing will become sporadic, and my body will shake a little. I got all that from her when she kissed the side of my neck a couple times and placed one on the lobe of my ear. Suffice it to say, I need to get a little more accustomed to physical intimacy if I want to ever have sex.
And again, I don't need to worry about time. I've got plenty of time to just enjoy the relationship, to get to know her better, to do well in school, and all that jazz. There's not countdown clock or deadline to when we have to be in bed with each other, so it's all cool.
Things are going really well, and there's a chance that if the cards are played right, she might be the last girlfriend I ever have... and though I'm not placing bets one way or the other, I don't want to be a let down once we get into the physical arena. I know I'm a great guy, and she's totally interested in the great side of me. But I don't want to be a great guy in all the good ways, and then be a flop when it comes to physical stuff.
So yeah, I don't really have anything to worry about right now. However, the advantage to knowing about these fears is that now I can defeat them and place them in their appropriate places.
I also have to figure out if I'm going to graduate school or not. I'm feeling pushed to go, but I also feel I need a break from school. Plus, I don't know if I'm fully set on wanting what another two years of school can get for me.
And not just about the world, or about other people, or more about my major in college, but more about myself... more about my fears... and especially more about my fears...
I'm afraid of sex. I always have been in a way, but the other day I realized something I didn't know I was afraid of before.
I'm afraid I'd be bad at it.
Now, I used to be quite the loner, and quite the low self-esteem kid, but I've gotten a lot better since those old junior high days. In fact, I don't really have any problems with self-esteem. So I'll be the first to admit I was a bit surprised by the thought of being bad at it as being a fear that I have, and then the picture began to unfold a bit more...
I've grown up in the church, and so typically the church kind of teaches this "Sex is bad, don't touch it" sort of mentality (except when you're married of course). So I'm a little nervous about sex because of that, and so I'm a little afraid that when I do end up having sex (I'm a virgin) I'll be a little stunned or shakey at the whole.... "whoa, we're doing that dangerous thing everyone told me about" kind of feeling.
And I'm afraid that I won't be any good at it. I'm afraid I'll be overly nervous, I'm afraid I won't do things right, I'm afraid the girl will have to lead, I'm afraid I won't be able to find a good rhythm, and all in all.... that I won't be any good, that the girl won't orgasm, and that I'll feel like a fool if I do and she's completely turned off.
Now, the logical side of me knows I have nothing to worry about. Sex isn't a show or a contest, there's no prize, and I'll certainly have my fair share of time to figure things out incase I'm not a Sexual Pro-Athlete once I first jump in the ring. But I still have this fear in me. However, now that I know I have this fear, that is the first step to overcoming it. And reminding myself that I have nothing to worry about, and since there's no hurry for get me out the door and into bed with someone, I've got time.
I guess this has come to mind because things are going really well with my recent girlfriend and I couldn't ask for better. We're very much interested in each other and hanging out has been a blessing and a blast. Now, we're very far from having sex, but I've noticed that even some of my physical limits need stretching because of my nervousness or shy tendencies toward anything even remotely related to sex.
My body will get all tense, and I'll blush, and my heart will race, and my breathing will become sporadic, and my body will shake a little. I got all that from her when she kissed the side of my neck a couple times and placed one on the lobe of my ear. Suffice it to say, I need to get a little more accustomed to physical intimacy if I want to ever have sex.
And again, I don't need to worry about time. I've got plenty of time to just enjoy the relationship, to get to know her better, to do well in school, and all that jazz. There's not countdown clock or deadline to when we have to be in bed with each other, so it's all cool.
Things are going really well, and there's a chance that if the cards are played right, she might be the last girlfriend I ever have... and though I'm not placing bets one way or the other, I don't want to be a let down once we get into the physical arena. I know I'm a great guy, and she's totally interested in the great side of me. But I don't want to be a great guy in all the good ways, and then be a flop when it comes to physical stuff.
So yeah, I don't really have anything to worry about right now. However, the advantage to knowing about these fears is that now I can defeat them and place them in their appropriate places.
I also have to figure out if I'm going to graduate school or not. I'm feeling pushed to go, but I also feel I need a break from school. Plus, I don't know if I'm fully set on wanting what another two years of school can get for me.