to my conscience:
I'm feeling very out of touch with myself. When I step back and take a look at what I fill my mind with, my time with, who i waste my energy on... it's not worth it. I have so much time though... I feel like I'm stuck at this age. I know things will change, Fall will come, I'll get a job eventually, maybe get my masters eventually, get an apartment, meet new people... but right now, I find myself picking fights, and I wonder if it's even a fight worth fighting anymore? Why do I care? I've been doing things in the now for so long. My friend left a pack of ciggs in my purse & I have one hidden in the garage, but I'm not that person. I'm going to throw them away, because I don't smoke. Why do I keep forgetting who I am? What I do and don't do - there is a reason for. "I don't settle for less" and I don't want to keep going against myself in this annoying mind-fucked fight. It's an uphill battle when you are giving in to everything you want and you have to argue the whole way up. I've recently started eating less to lose weight and it's working. I eat healthier & I don't snack. It's not that hard. Why can't everything in life be so easy? Less & less, until you don't get the cravings, you don't give in against your better judgment & do something stupid & immature (no, I'm not talking about food - this relates to everything). You're right, I am an adult now and I know better. Its been real, it's been fun, but I've tried this before and it is never the way I had hoped it would be. But I want to keep growing, I'm not ready yet. It starts with control of self. Time to rid my mind of my carefuly crafted picture-perfect idea. It's easy to lie to yourself. when you can lie to yourself you learn how to lie to others, but they know this trick just as well. Back to myself, back to my life. Because right now is about me. Not my kids, job, boyfriend, or dog.