thoughts, since all my journals are at home with bill
i took the bus home from work today at 8:45. 255 to downtown. I waited at the stop for a while, didnt bother to look at the schedule posted because the 7 always runs. a guy on a bike gets jumped by another guy. groups of people stop and watch then finally a guy runs from across the street to pull them a part. still waiting at the bus stop, 30 minutes later i remember the 7 stops running downtown after 9. I walk down the street where I can catch another bus. its graduation and there are police on nearly every corner, like they are trying to protect us from a war only half of us see, half of which want to end, the war they pretend to care about. next block down i see a policeman scolding someone for jwalking. embarrising him in front of everyone. Rainier Beach graduation. its amazing to see them in their gowns, some holding their head high in triumph for the first time. Some for the last. I got on the bus, 20 minutes after that. regretfully, the 36 because i was tired of waiting. encounters with young black women. encounters with young black women with little pride. encounters with young black women, with little pride, much ignorance, and some things to learn, make me ashamed for them and make me hurt with them. she openly, and loudly made fun of an older homeless man that reaked of beer, cigs, and piss, all the while blaming his homelessness on his own ignorance. while going through the ID, she openly made fun of asian people, tried speaking to an elder asian man mocking his accent, and went on to question what China smelt like if china town smelt so bad. its encounters with young, black women, who dont know their strength, and the power of their words that make me want to find answers and help our youth, the ones that want the help atleast. 10:41 im at rainier beach hs. i walked home because i didnt feel like waiting for the bus. moms home, tells me jordans coming home tomorrow and i should clean his room. i wanted to say fuck off hes only staying for a few days, but instead i said he can stay in currys room cuz i dont have time to clean his room. the windows boarded up. someone tried to break in again today. that will cost us $322. and now, im crying. because of actions, and situations, and emotions, and words that cause things that are unneccessary.that cause fucked up things to happen. now I am crying because people are homeless and communities will not look them in the eye but will pay us to get them out of their parks. now I am crying because my relationship is not taking seriously because of other peoples and my own casual relations with older men that are harmful and purely sexual, and because my relationship is thrown in with the rest, that are going nowhere but thank god I am of age or else he would be, going. and now I am crying because my relationship is prying my family apart kiss by kiss and i cant do anything but sit here and cry and pray that one day they will believe that i do, love you. and now, I am crying because I am hungry, but am too sick and inside myself to make myself eat. but for the moment, atleast I can still feel.