I need you to hear me.
I'm back from Chicago, and after that experience, I have definitely changed. So much happened there and it made me realize what happens quite often in the world..People aren't what they seem to be. I mean, yes I have been told that but I've always found the good in someone rather than admitting any weaknesses they may have.
No longer do I do that. I was scared out of my mind the last night in Chicago and it has changed me alot.
I see a different outlook on life now and the people/enviroment around me. I see a different outlook on myself also. I put myself in a very bad situation that I couldn't get myself out of easily and by doing so, I caused pain and misery onto other people. I couldn't be more sorry for all of that. It was all my fault and for that, I will have to live with the consequences and the blaming from others. I'm sorry for putting everyone in Chicago through that and I feel sorry for the cold heart of both Ryan and Chris and their teammates.
Because of that night, I almost lost something that has been very important to me, and I thank God that I didn't lose it.
But because of that night, I feel..not less careless..but just more..I don't know..uptight I suppose? I expect more...? no..not that..I don't know what I'm trying to say. but I'm being picky..and I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't. I want a guy who likes me for me..who won't get easily upset with me and for the mistakes I make. I am learning. I don't want to date a guy..and then find out I'm dating him and all of his friends too because they all somehow involve themselves into the relationship. I want a guy to feel comfortable around me and who I can talk to about anything at anytime - anywhere. I want a guy who will wrap me into his arms when I'm feeling sad and jump up and down with me when I am excited. And I want to be expected to do the same. If he is sad, please come to me. I want to hold you and erase your sadness and pain away for at least the moment. Let me make you laugh and let me take you out.
I don't know why I'm stating all this. Have you ever just had a moment where you didn't have anything in your mind, but once you got down to where you can write or type, it just all comes out? I guess that's what's happening to me now.
This weekend I was invited to go to a cabin with a whole bunch of people. But only 2 of them that I know are going so far. I was invited to bring friends but none can seem to go. Should I go? I mean, I know the people I'd be going with..and I'm going to drink and allow myself to get carried away, but I do want to have a good time and just hang out and meet new friends. And now it seems as if everyone is holding it against me - threatening not to talk to me if I go. I understand you being protective, but let me live. Please. I need to find some things out first hand. And I trust the people I'm going with. And if something was to happen, please believe that I can take care of myself, but if I need someone to talk to..I want to know that you will be there, like I am for you. Yes, I may not approve of something that you do/did..but I will always be here to listen and talk of you need it. And I won't just be there to say 'oh, I told you so'. If you have something you need to get off your chest, then please, come to me. I want to be your friend; your confident. I'm here for all my friends, and no matter what time of day or where you may be. Please know that you can always count on me. If I can't come to you right away please know that I will come as quickly as I possibly can but I don't want my friends to be alone.
I love you all and I'm sorry if I have caused pain to you. I don't mean to, but please remember that I am also learning. I'm only 18. Still a child. I have to learn things firsthand to see where it can get me. I don't ask you to forgive me right away but please try to understand where I am coming from. That's all I ask.
No longer do I do that. I was scared out of my mind the last night in Chicago and it has changed me alot.
I see a different outlook on life now and the people/enviroment around me. I see a different outlook on myself also. I put myself in a very bad situation that I couldn't get myself out of easily and by doing so, I caused pain and misery onto other people. I couldn't be more sorry for all of that. It was all my fault and for that, I will have to live with the consequences and the blaming from others. I'm sorry for putting everyone in Chicago through that and I feel sorry for the cold heart of both Ryan and Chris and their teammates.
Because of that night, I almost lost something that has been very important to me, and I thank God that I didn't lose it.
But because of that night, I feel..not less careless..but just more..I don't know..uptight I suppose? I expect more...? no..not that..I don't know what I'm trying to say. but I'm being picky..and I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't. I want a guy who likes me for me..who won't get easily upset with me and for the mistakes I make. I am learning. I don't want to date a guy..and then find out I'm dating him and all of his friends too because they all somehow involve themselves into the relationship. I want a guy to feel comfortable around me and who I can talk to about anything at anytime - anywhere. I want a guy who will wrap me into his arms when I'm feeling sad and jump up and down with me when I am excited. And I want to be expected to do the same. If he is sad, please come to me. I want to hold you and erase your sadness and pain away for at least the moment. Let me make you laugh and let me take you out.
I don't know why I'm stating all this. Have you ever just had a moment where you didn't have anything in your mind, but once you got down to where you can write or type, it just all comes out? I guess that's what's happening to me now.
This weekend I was invited to go to a cabin with a whole bunch of people. But only 2 of them that I know are going so far. I was invited to bring friends but none can seem to go. Should I go? I mean, I know the people I'd be going with..and I'm going to drink and allow myself to get carried away, but I do want to have a good time and just hang out and meet new friends. And now it seems as if everyone is holding it against me - threatening not to talk to me if I go. I understand you being protective, but let me live. Please. I need to find some things out first hand. And I trust the people I'm going with. And if something was to happen, please believe that I can take care of myself, but if I need someone to talk to..I want to know that you will be there, like I am for you. Yes, I may not approve of something that you do/did..but I will always be here to listen and talk of you need it. And I won't just be there to say 'oh, I told you so'. If you have something you need to get off your chest, then please, come to me. I want to be your friend; your confident. I'm here for all my friends, and no matter what time of day or where you may be. Please know that you can always count on me. If I can't come to you right away please know that I will come as quickly as I possibly can but I don't want my friends to be alone.
I love you all and I'm sorry if I have caused pain to you. I don't mean to, but please remember that I am also learning. I'm only 18. Still a child. I have to learn things firsthand to see where it can get me. I don't ask you to forgive me right away but please try to understand where I am coming from. That's all I ask.