(no subject)
its been about 2 months since i fucked up. and its been a little over a month since jason and i officially broke up. and i still feel as shitty as i did the second i messed up. which is extremely shitty. and i have never dwelled on a man or relationship for this long. granted, it hasnt been THAT long. still, though. longer than ever before. and i know all of this depression isnt going to lift up anytime soon.
i quit drinking again. its only been what? less than a week? and of course, i still really want to drink. but i am not going to let myself. and i know i say this all the time but honestly, i am even getting sick of all my excuses. maybe once i get my life in order i will start feeling better about myself and not wake up every day and tell myself that i'm a worthless sack of shit.
/end self loathing.
i went to the library yesterday before work. i got 3 books! autobiography of a fat bride by laurie notaro. Teenage Hipster in the Modern World: From the Birth of Punk to the Land of Bush: Thirty Years of Apocalyptic Journalism by Marc Jacobsen and duh, Music for Mechanics. Love & Rockets. and i can't find that one issue of love&rockets i bought a few weeks ago and it had my sister birthday card stuck in it and its been like a week since her birthday.
i cut an indian mans hair today and it smelled soooooooo bad. his name was vinel patel.
oh and last night i had a dream that kyle ruby lived in dayton and we hung out and listened to smashing pumpkins and then i had another dream that i was at some huge elementary school that mrs. birkenhauer was teaching at now only she was this old old old lady delivering a speech and she was so old that i just kept crying thinking about how she could die any day. and some teacher kept begging me to cut his hair and there was this hugeeee blowup thing like a moonwalk but just a big block and it was next to my chair in the auditorium where old mrs. birkenhauer was delivering her speech.
"I wish that I could take back every
Drunken night so selfishly keeping
Myself distant and doubtful and basically and asshole, and I tried to stay young in the womb of a bottle but I just keep getting older and bottles keep piling up. It's such a foolish attempt to hold on to a time when idiocy had no consequence. And I'll try to keep singing over the telephone ringing. Running from the age I should be embracing(we're all so satisfied to be just barely alive) for the lack of anything better to do, for all the shit I have to swallow.. the water vs. the anchor. "
i quit drinking again. its only been what? less than a week? and of course, i still really want to drink. but i am not going to let myself. and i know i say this all the time but honestly, i am even getting sick of all my excuses. maybe once i get my life in order i will start feeling better about myself and not wake up every day and tell myself that i'm a worthless sack of shit.
/end self loathing.
i went to the library yesterday before work. i got 3 books! autobiography of a fat bride by laurie notaro. Teenage Hipster in the Modern World: From the Birth of Punk to the Land of Bush: Thirty Years of Apocalyptic Journalism by Marc Jacobsen and duh, Music for Mechanics. Love & Rockets. and i can't find that one issue of love&rockets i bought a few weeks ago and it had my sister birthday card stuck in it and its been like a week since her birthday.
i cut an indian mans hair today and it smelled soooooooo bad. his name was vinel patel.
oh and last night i had a dream that kyle ruby lived in dayton and we hung out and listened to smashing pumpkins and then i had another dream that i was at some huge elementary school that mrs. birkenhauer was teaching at now only she was this old old old lady delivering a speech and she was so old that i just kept crying thinking about how she could die any day. and some teacher kept begging me to cut his hair and there was this hugeeee blowup thing like a moonwalk but just a big block and it was next to my chair in the auditorium where old mrs. birkenhauer was delivering her speech.
"I wish that I could take back every
Drunken night so selfishly keeping
Myself distant and doubtful and basically and asshole, and I tried to stay young in the womb of a bottle but I just keep getting older and bottles keep piling up. It's such a foolish attempt to hold on to a time when idiocy had no consequence. And I'll try to keep singing over the telephone ringing. Running from the age I should be embracing(we're all so satisfied to be just barely alive) for the lack of anything better to do, for all the shit I have to swallow.. the water vs. the anchor. "