(no subject)
i think a lot and i even think about thinking too much. i don't know if it is possible, but i think it is and i think that is what causes depression. i used some variation of the word "think" 5 times in those last two sentences. i was driving home from kentucky today and going over all of the things that have happened in the past few months. i thought about old theories, one that i still hold to and another that i threw out a few years ago.
theory number one: love isn't real.
i tossed this theory aside when i fell in love with andy in 2003. the fact that i could feel so strongly for someone without ever having any type of physical relationship with them still blows my mind, but he made me realize that love is and was real, and my theory was blown to pieces.
theory number two: february is the unlucky month.
this one still stands. first, i had some type of mental breakdown a few years ago in february. it was basically a realization that my life was worthless and that i needed to get my act together if i ever wanted to amount to anything, and then i realized that it was virtually impossible and again, that my life was worthless. secondly, my best friend (my old dog gizmo, as silly as it may sound) died a few years ago in february. he held on by a string for MONTHS before that, and i kept saying to myself "please just hold out until after february" because i wanted to believe that this theory of the unlucky month was silly. he spent virtually all of january not eating or moving from his bed, which was pretty bad, but at least he was still alive. in february he died though, and i fell ridiculously hard into depression. last year andy and i started talking again and became best friends. i wrote that goofy "february saviour" poem about this terrible month and how i needed someone to rescue me from all of the horrible things that i knew were on their way and andy disappeared for that entire month and i was alone again. this year, jason and i broke up in february. this has been a horrible experience for me and it was 100% my fault. again, hello depression. february, i hate you.
then i thought about my life this past year. i got myself into a lot of shit, drinking, drugs, sex, lack of faith, etc. in october, i finally pulled myself out of it. i stopped EVERYTHING. i started going to church again, i started the repentence process and talked to my bishop about all of the horrible things i was doing and i was beginning to feel like i was a decent human being again. since i had just moved up to dayton in august, i still didn't really know anybody, so when i started going through all of these lifestyle changes i felt like i needed to make new friends and i didn't really know how so i got on myspace and searched for people who didn't drink or smoke, so that i could surround myself with positive influences and people who would make it easier for me to change how i was living. thats when i found jason. i messaged him and a few other random people and he responded and we started talking a little bit on aim and i finally met him at starbucks one night and he told me i was beautiful. we started hanging out almost every day and eventually started dating. i honestly felt like it was an answer to my prayers to find someone as uplifting as him. so now that we aren't together anymore, ive messed up a lot. i've drank quite a few times and i just feel like i'm putting myself back into that stupid rut i was in before. ive been avoiding church so that i won't have to talk to my bishop, i've been hanging out with the same people i used to hang out with, and its all so stupid. i need to pull myself out of this again. i need to learn from my mistakes, not repeat them. i need to surround myself with positive influences again and quit being depressed and crying all the time. i need to start going to school more so i can finally get out of ohio and start my life.
this is one long rant and nobody will read it, and honestly, i don't care. because it was for me. i'm going to better myself. i'm going to work on becoming the person i want to be, and i'm going to get out of this rut, with or without help from anyone else. it's just so hard when you have one person on your mind all the time and its not yourself.
theory number one: love isn't real.
i tossed this theory aside when i fell in love with andy in 2003. the fact that i could feel so strongly for someone without ever having any type of physical relationship with them still blows my mind, but he made me realize that love is and was real, and my theory was blown to pieces.
theory number two: february is the unlucky month.
this one still stands. first, i had some type of mental breakdown a few years ago in february. it was basically a realization that my life was worthless and that i needed to get my act together if i ever wanted to amount to anything, and then i realized that it was virtually impossible and again, that my life was worthless. secondly, my best friend (my old dog gizmo, as silly as it may sound) died a few years ago in february. he held on by a string for MONTHS before that, and i kept saying to myself "please just hold out until after february" because i wanted to believe that this theory of the unlucky month was silly. he spent virtually all of january not eating or moving from his bed, which was pretty bad, but at least he was still alive. in february he died though, and i fell ridiculously hard into depression. last year andy and i started talking again and became best friends. i wrote that goofy "february saviour" poem about this terrible month and how i needed someone to rescue me from all of the horrible things that i knew were on their way and andy disappeared for that entire month and i was alone again. this year, jason and i broke up in february. this has been a horrible experience for me and it was 100% my fault. again, hello depression. february, i hate you.
then i thought about my life this past year. i got myself into a lot of shit, drinking, drugs, sex, lack of faith, etc. in october, i finally pulled myself out of it. i stopped EVERYTHING. i started going to church again, i started the repentence process and talked to my bishop about all of the horrible things i was doing and i was beginning to feel like i was a decent human being again. since i had just moved up to dayton in august, i still didn't really know anybody, so when i started going through all of these lifestyle changes i felt like i needed to make new friends and i didn't really know how so i got on myspace and searched for people who didn't drink or smoke, so that i could surround myself with positive influences and people who would make it easier for me to change how i was living. thats when i found jason. i messaged him and a few other random people and he responded and we started talking a little bit on aim and i finally met him at starbucks one night and he told me i was beautiful. we started hanging out almost every day and eventually started dating. i honestly felt like it was an answer to my prayers to find someone as uplifting as him. so now that we aren't together anymore, ive messed up a lot. i've drank quite a few times and i just feel like i'm putting myself back into that stupid rut i was in before. ive been avoiding church so that i won't have to talk to my bishop, i've been hanging out with the same people i used to hang out with, and its all so stupid. i need to pull myself out of this again. i need to learn from my mistakes, not repeat them. i need to surround myself with positive influences again and quit being depressed and crying all the time. i need to start going to school more so i can finally get out of ohio and start my life.
this is one long rant and nobody will read it, and honestly, i don't care. because it was for me. i'm going to better myself. i'm going to work on becoming the person i want to be, and i'm going to get out of this rut, with or without help from anyone else. it's just so hard when you have one person on your mind all the time and its not yourself.