(no subject)

[whitknee]

gregory wanted me to wear my cowboy boots yesterday and i couldn't because they have wax on them and i didn't want to pick it off. but i was thinking about WHY they had wax on them and i smiled and missed the person i still love. for some reason its getting harder to get over jason again. it was REALLY hard at first when we were still together but not speaking, then it was really easy, now its getting harder again because trying to "put myself back out there" into the dating world or whatever is not even worth it when i still love him. its not even fun to kiss anyone else. i just think about him and how i actually felt something when we kissed and how we used to give each other eskimo kisses and laugh together. i just wish things could be how they were and not completely fucked up like they are now. i sent him a message saying i wanted to give him the presents i bought him a while ago and he didn't even have to see me, i just wanted to make sure he was home when i'd leave them on his doorstep or something. of course, he didn't reply. i shouldn't expect him to, but i wish he would. i dont even know if he'll like what i bought him, but i bought them for him and only him and i'd like him to get them. i just miss his company. i'm such a sap but theres nobody to tell this to other than a damn online journal. whatever.

"This is for you. to hold you close, to keep you close to my heart.
I'll scream it til your ears bleed:
You'll always have a friend in me.
I'm sorry that I split you open to keep warm between your arms hands heart and lungs
But we'll beat the clock black and blue blood red to never give this up
And I'll be right here to help you sleep(to help me sleep)
To keep you alive(to keep me alive) against all demons.
To find hope in a smile to keep holding tight forever
when someone becomes everyone when somewhere becomes everywhere.
where you are and where you want to be.)"