(no subject)
I woke this morning, hung over with the light peeping through the blinds. Turning my vision from the undectable black to a jarring red.
I put on ballad because I felt driving but slow.
Early moring with much to do, but no where to go.
I am so completely invisible only to those that I wish would see me most.
And I’m so ashamed of who you’ve become.
I came home threw my shit all over the floor. I just didn’t care. I could’nt help but look sad and everyone could see it. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t saying anything because I had said it a million times before. And it was never going to make a difference. It never makes a difference. Today I felt likke such a waste of life.
And I sat in your car and I could barley listen but heard every word you said. Yet, I could feel was a emptiness I have never felt in a long time. And I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. I wanted to stab my throat with a knife. I wanted to strangle you. I hatted every single part of my being and all I wanted was to you to stop thinking you were better than me. But I knew you were and of all people in the world you were the last person I wanted to be better than me. A sheep and sheep I eat. I came home and layed on the bathroom floor with the lights off and the shower runnning.
I wish I had a car. I wanted to drive away. I want to leave for a while. Just a weekend. By myself or with someone I wanted around. I want to see something beautiful. I want to change. I want to accept that it is ok. That we are ok. That I am ok. I want to understand it so bad, but the only way is that I need to get into a car and go somewhere for one weekend. Just away. I just need to get out of here for a while.