(no subject)
As i lay in bed last night i began to think, just as i do eveynight. Somewhere in my thought process you popped into my head, and i began to think more about you, when and how we met, the first time we hung out, all the things we did together. I thought of the good and i thought of the bad, i thought of it all. i also thought of how for months i pined over you, and how i tried so desperately to make you have feelings for me. i remember how i'd lay in bed just as i did last night and think "god,if i could just make her mine." I'd wait and i'd wait for you to come around, but you never did. You'd never change your mind, and i constantly would suffocate you and remind you of how i felt. And everytime you'd remind me of how you did and how they differed, how my feeligns were wrong. So i'd supress them and tell you they were gone just so we could be friends. But sure enough alcohol always made them arise. Through all this we remained friends. i never understood how you did it. we hung out all the time and did everything together and others never understood how i could continue to put myself through that. They were right it was so hard for me to be around you all the time and hide my feelings. i knew that i had to, becuase i thought the bond i had with you was so deep. but to remain that way forever was never what i wanted i always had an alterior motive, and deep down you had to have known that. i remember the feeling to every little detail becuase it was the first time i had ever felt any of the things that i did. it was the first time that a member of the opposite sex showed even the slightest interest in me. it was the first time i found someone that i felt complete comfort and satisfacton when i was with at all times. and when i wasn't with you i remember feeling empty and wishing you were there. You were the first person that i felt truly understood me. You were the first person i cared for more than myself. You were the first person i truly loved. As time progessed i began to slowly grasp the cold ahrd truth that you didn't and never would feel this way about me.
and one night i lost it. i couldn't live with the fact that i didn't even get a chance to show you that i WAS everything you wanted. i acted like a fucking idiot and made a total love sick fool of myself, and in return you stopped talking to me. for weeks i didn;t see or hear from you. i hated it becuase my feelings weren't something i could control and i was being punished for it. And so the time came that we should run into each other. We ended up spending the whole night and most of the next day together without speaking a word of what had happened, and i didn't care, i was just so goddamn glad you were back. i expected everything to go back to normal, but they didn't. it seemed as from then on out that we had to struggle to hang out with one another. We began to hang out less and less and now i'm lucky if i see you outside of school. But nonetheless you seem happy, really happy in fact and that's something i don't want to disturb.
and so as i lay there, not sure of what brought all this about or how to feel about you now, and glance back at everything that has happened from the moment i met you to that very instant i'd have to say for me it was one hell of a ride. i learned alot about love and life from the time we shared. i realized that that era in my life was now over, and i mustmove on. it may not mean much to you but to me it means the world to me. i can't even begin to imagine how different things would be if i had never met you and things not work out like they did. that time completely reconstructed my life. The people i know, the places i've been, and the the things i've seen and done seem to all trace back to meeting you. It's so unbelievably hard for me to see you everyday with your new life and not miss the way things were. Even though it wasn't what i wanted, it's what i got and that was enough. i guess it's true what they say you never realize what you have until you lose it. i want you to know i'm thaknkful for the time we shared. You changed my life. i will never, ever forget you, even though you have begun to do so to me.
and one night i lost it. i couldn't live with the fact that i didn't even get a chance to show you that i WAS everything you wanted. i acted like a fucking idiot and made a total love sick fool of myself, and in return you stopped talking to me. for weeks i didn;t see or hear from you. i hated it becuase my feelings weren't something i could control and i was being punished for it. And so the time came that we should run into each other. We ended up spending the whole night and most of the next day together without speaking a word of what had happened, and i didn't care, i was just so goddamn glad you were back. i expected everything to go back to normal, but they didn't. it seemed as from then on out that we had to struggle to hang out with one another. We began to hang out less and less and now i'm lucky if i see you outside of school. But nonetheless you seem happy, really happy in fact and that's something i don't want to disturb.
and so as i lay there, not sure of what brought all this about or how to feel about you now, and glance back at everything that has happened from the moment i met you to that very instant i'd have to say for me it was one hell of a ride. i learned alot about love and life from the time we shared. i realized that that era in my life was now over, and i mustmove on. it may not mean much to you but to me it means the world to me. i can't even begin to imagine how different things would be if i had never met you and things not work out like they did. that time completely reconstructed my life. The people i know, the places i've been, and the the things i've seen and done seem to all trace back to meeting you. It's so unbelievably hard for me to see you everyday with your new life and not miss the way things were. Even though it wasn't what i wanted, it's what i got and that was enough. i guess it's true what they say you never realize what you have until you lose it. i want you to know i'm thaknkful for the time we shared. You changed my life. i will never, ever forget you, even though you have begun to do so to me.