An old soliloquy
Stupid Move, Drinking loser fuck up. i hate you.I'm killing you. The old me is coming back with a vengeance. No more drunken stupid falling fast into oblivion me. No more vindictive jealousy. I remember when I was strong. I remember when I held her tight and felt like nothing in the world could break us apart. It's my fault. I couldn't take it, couldn't take the commitment, the next step. I sabotaged myself from the inside and if I ever get that chance to be happy with someone like that again, I'm not going to let it die. I let S and I die, but we were dead before we started. To begin with that, the end can only be a karmic reflection.
I have to get back to my heart, back to the person i was, back before it all begin,before i was depressed, when life still felt new all the time, when pain hurt but it didn't gnaw away after two months of being alone, when there was meaning to every moment, however small the meaning.
when the pain wasn't there all the time...
The doctors said the pills will make it go away. Sometimes it helps, other times....It's like I'm on a train with no brakes going so fast I can't even direct it and if something popped in front I couldn't foresee it, I would just crash. Sometimes when I'm alone, let down, it tears into me the most. Karma gets back to you. It has a way of eating into you.
So I drink...
THe doctors said not to drink, they said it doesn't help, that it can even make things worse. My life isn't so bad, but why does it feel like that. I feel like I'm complaining over nothing but my mind just doesn't seem to understand that I should be happy. I should be better. But I'm not always.
I take the pills...
For a little while, just a few hours of the day, I feel normal, not great, not bad, just somewhere on the tedium of in-betweenness. Maybe that's why my mind strays to being manic and then being depressed. Is it a subconscious boredom so effectively shown through my stray thoughts?
Boredom...
That's what she said to me, on the day that she told me she was with someone else. She was bored. How could she be bored when just a week ago she said she was happy and excited for us.
Hypocrisy...
It frightens my every thought. Was I so callous and uncaring when I made my mistake? Was I the inflictor of such terrible mental wounds that I feel to someone else? I think I was. And it frightens me to the core.
Amends...
Can I make amends? I try and I try but again I fade to the background, letting my instincts, which are wrong, take me there again. They take me to that place I wish not to go. That place where a rage against myself strips me of my dignity and any semblance of an ego disappears.
hypocrisy is a friend to me.
it's not like i didn't do the same thing.
so i can't hate only heart can i bring.
i offer completely to friends all alike,
the truth is i can't always tell who's in the right
maybe i'm a fool, that would fit the case,
but that doesn't help me, make me better in the chase, the chase to live to be free that is what's in me, growing up now fast not wanting to be last, but I'm not strong I don't belong in this world.
Karma's out to get me, and get me good, and I don't have any walls, no defenses, like i should.
I stood behind my pride, and now inside I've died.
I have to get back to my heart, back to the person i was, back before it all begin,before i was depressed, when life still felt new all the time, when pain hurt but it didn't gnaw away after two months of being alone, when there was meaning to every moment, however small the meaning.
when the pain wasn't there all the time...
The doctors said the pills will make it go away. Sometimes it helps, other times....It's like I'm on a train with no brakes going so fast I can't even direct it and if something popped in front I couldn't foresee it, I would just crash. Sometimes when I'm alone, let down, it tears into me the most. Karma gets back to you. It has a way of eating into you.
So I drink...
THe doctors said not to drink, they said it doesn't help, that it can even make things worse. My life isn't so bad, but why does it feel like that. I feel like I'm complaining over nothing but my mind just doesn't seem to understand that I should be happy. I should be better. But I'm not always.
I take the pills...
For a little while, just a few hours of the day, I feel normal, not great, not bad, just somewhere on the tedium of in-betweenness. Maybe that's why my mind strays to being manic and then being depressed. Is it a subconscious boredom so effectively shown through my stray thoughts?
Boredom...
That's what she said to me, on the day that she told me she was with someone else. She was bored. How could she be bored when just a week ago she said she was happy and excited for us.
Hypocrisy...
It frightens my every thought. Was I so callous and uncaring when I made my mistake? Was I the inflictor of such terrible mental wounds that I feel to someone else? I think I was. And it frightens me to the core.
Amends...
Can I make amends? I try and I try but again I fade to the background, letting my instincts, which are wrong, take me there again. They take me to that place I wish not to go. That place where a rage against myself strips me of my dignity and any semblance of an ego disappears.
hypocrisy is a friend to me.
it's not like i didn't do the same thing.
so i can't hate only heart can i bring.
i offer completely to friends all alike,
the truth is i can't always tell who's in the right
maybe i'm a fool, that would fit the case,
but that doesn't help me, make me better in the chase, the chase to live to be free that is what's in me, growing up now fast not wanting to be last, but I'm not strong I don't belong in this world.
Karma's out to get me, and get me good, and I don't have any walls, no defenses, like i should.
I stood behind my pride, and now inside I've died.