here we go...again...
I kissed her.
And I'm not ashamed.
I had once thought that my next kiss would be something I regretted. That it would be out of pure impulse and lust, but it wasn't. I like her. I can/could see myself being with her, but she and I both know it isn't going to happen--not now at least.
I felt so pure with her. We laid there on my bed just cuddling and talking about things--her flaws as well as my own. She played with my hair. She ran her hand up and down my back in such a genuine, comforting motion I couldn't help but settle. Everything felt so right. I kissed her cheek. I kissed her forehead. I kissed her hands. Innocent in every manner, but I wanted to kiss HER. I told her there was an impulse I wasn't sure whether to act on. She told me she knew her boundaries. I told her I didn't want to become a threat. She said I wouldn't--he trusts me.
He trusts me? ...he trusts me... His best friend trusts me. If I betray the soon boyfriend I consequently betray his best friend.
I didn't kiss her. I waited.
Actually, I stopped cuddling with her at that point. I tried to remove the temptation, but there's SO MUCH CHEMISTRY I couldn't help to cuddle once again. I somehow removed myself out of the situation. Then she started playing with my hair/gave me a neck message. She knew what she was doing, and she got my attention. I told her--jokingly--that that was just too cruel to do someone who has been single this long. She laughed and said I liked it. I didn't deny it.
We grew silent for a while, and things once again grew innocent and pure. We looked at each other. I grew closer. Fact is I just wanted to be closer to her. I wasn't fishing for anything. I just felt so natural with her. Nothing was forced. It just happened, and I went with it.
There was a wave of chemistry. I sensed it. She sensed it. I met her as I sat up. There was a pause. Then it happened.
_______________________________________________
I wish things would have stayed that pure. That girl and I never got together. Actually last time I saw her was graduation night. Okay, I lied. I saw her after a graduation party because my friend didn't want to be third wheel. it was awkward. She became so unattractive to me that I was not myself. I was somewhat of a bitch, but it happens I guess. She backed off for a while, played with my head a little more, but then eh. She kind of just went away.
I suppose that was for the better. I dunno what I would have done if something would have happened between the two of us. That's the last time I really was "with" anyone. I'm trying to talk to another girl, but I'm not going to push it. She's too special of a girl to push.
My life has had its ups and down this summer. ACTS retreat was quite amazing I won't lie. I broke during an adoration block. I just crumbled. I dunno how long I was in there--a good while I suppose. Emily eventually came and made sure I was okay. Phil was kind enough to get her--come to fnd out. I don't know WHAT it is about ACTS. It changes people. Kelly told me that when I signed up. I didn't believe her, but eh. I'm a critic and a skeptic. ACTS really was the turning point this summer. Everything I put my heart in to came together THAT weekend. It paid off. From letting go with every burden I had...I finally knew that I FOREVER have/had a famiy.
Orientation was just this past week. My dad and I got into a real heated discussion about Padre Pio. Maybe he thinks I'm going to turn into a Catholic, which I probably will given more thought....but really...he just drove in that I am "reliving my high school days" by sticking around. I need go "grow and live life" outside of my roots. THATS what he did, so apparently that should work for me as well? I told him that didn't fly. For a person in my position, finding a congregation of ANY kind that accepts me for WHO I am is one of a kind. It's hard for a person like me to find any acceptance or true family feeling. You have no idea how AT HOME I really am when I am here at the Weinzetls. It's wave after wave of teasing love and warmth and happiness I really don't get at home. Okay--I do, but it's on a way different scale. Family bonding consists of watching tv. A lot. Once family dinners plus the following movie or tv show watching, we all kind of split into our own corners. Usually I play guitar, dad goes to his office, and mom continues to watch tv. This family is so interactive in each others lives I can only DREAM of giving my future kids this amazing gift. I think that's where we differ. My dad wants me to grow and expand my wings beyond what I know because that's what he did. But little does he realise, he LEFT HOME so he HAD to cast a new webbing. I am staying here--in san antonio. My life is here. This has been my true calling. God had somehow called me back home and has given me strength and my true self. WIthout San Antonio, I wouldn't be here. KatieDawson would just be another name on a tombstone somewhere.
I hate the thought of leaving this place come next year. I know that UTSA isn't the school for me. It's filled with drugs and random sex and ahhhh digusting-ness. Don't get me wrong, it's good in some extents, but it's just a matter of finding it. I am there to get my education, and move on. Now I know that UTSA ANNNNNNNNND Austin both have their drugs, random sex, and what-have-you...but Austin is where I need to be. Or you know, perhaps it's Lousiana that may be my calling. I think with all this, I may decide to apply to LSU for kicks and giggles. See if I can get in. Maybe that's where I need to go. To go "home"? I haven't been since I visited.
This all seems like one long stream of conscienceness. I am not quite sure if any of it makes sense. But eh.
That's what you get for a 1:26 in the morning entry eh?
- Katie
And I'm not ashamed.
I had once thought that my next kiss would be something I regretted. That it would be out of pure impulse and lust, but it wasn't. I like her. I can/could see myself being with her, but she and I both know it isn't going to happen--not now at least.
I felt so pure with her. We laid there on my bed just cuddling and talking about things--her flaws as well as my own. She played with my hair. She ran her hand up and down my back in such a genuine, comforting motion I couldn't help but settle. Everything felt so right. I kissed her cheek. I kissed her forehead. I kissed her hands. Innocent in every manner, but I wanted to kiss HER. I told her there was an impulse I wasn't sure whether to act on. She told me she knew her boundaries. I told her I didn't want to become a threat. She said I wouldn't--he trusts me.
He trusts me? ...he trusts me... His best friend trusts me. If I betray the soon boyfriend I consequently betray his best friend.
I didn't kiss her. I waited.
Actually, I stopped cuddling with her at that point. I tried to remove the temptation, but there's SO MUCH CHEMISTRY I couldn't help to cuddle once again. I somehow removed myself out of the situation. Then she started playing with my hair/gave me a neck message. She knew what she was doing, and she got my attention. I told her--jokingly--that that was just too cruel to do someone who has been single this long. She laughed and said I liked it. I didn't deny it.
We grew silent for a while, and things once again grew innocent and pure. We looked at each other. I grew closer. Fact is I just wanted to be closer to her. I wasn't fishing for anything. I just felt so natural with her. Nothing was forced. It just happened, and I went with it.
There was a wave of chemistry. I sensed it. She sensed it. I met her as I sat up. There was a pause. Then it happened.
_______________________________________________
I wish things would have stayed that pure. That girl and I never got together. Actually last time I saw her was graduation night. Okay, I lied. I saw her after a graduation party because my friend didn't want to be third wheel. it was awkward. She became so unattractive to me that I was not myself. I was somewhat of a bitch, but it happens I guess. She backed off for a while, played with my head a little more, but then eh. She kind of just went away.
I suppose that was for the better. I dunno what I would have done if something would have happened between the two of us. That's the last time I really was "with" anyone. I'm trying to talk to another girl, but I'm not going to push it. She's too special of a girl to push.
My life has had its ups and down this summer. ACTS retreat was quite amazing I won't lie. I broke during an adoration block. I just crumbled. I dunno how long I was in there--a good while I suppose. Emily eventually came and made sure I was okay. Phil was kind enough to get her--come to fnd out. I don't know WHAT it is about ACTS. It changes people. Kelly told me that when I signed up. I didn't believe her, but eh. I'm a critic and a skeptic. ACTS really was the turning point this summer. Everything I put my heart in to came together THAT weekend. It paid off. From letting go with every burden I had...I finally knew that I FOREVER have/had a famiy.
Orientation was just this past week. My dad and I got into a real heated discussion about Padre Pio. Maybe he thinks I'm going to turn into a Catholic, which I probably will given more thought....but really...he just drove in that I am "reliving my high school days" by sticking around. I need go "grow and live life" outside of my roots. THATS what he did, so apparently that should work for me as well? I told him that didn't fly. For a person in my position, finding a congregation of ANY kind that accepts me for WHO I am is one of a kind. It's hard for a person like me to find any acceptance or true family feeling. You have no idea how AT HOME I really am when I am here at the Weinzetls. It's wave after wave of teasing love and warmth and happiness I really don't get at home. Okay--I do, but it's on a way different scale. Family bonding consists of watching tv. A lot. Once family dinners plus the following movie or tv show watching, we all kind of split into our own corners. Usually I play guitar, dad goes to his office, and mom continues to watch tv. This family is so interactive in each others lives I can only DREAM of giving my future kids this amazing gift. I think that's where we differ. My dad wants me to grow and expand my wings beyond what I know because that's what he did. But little does he realise, he LEFT HOME so he HAD to cast a new webbing. I am staying here--in san antonio. My life is here. This has been my true calling. God had somehow called me back home and has given me strength and my true self. WIthout San Antonio, I wouldn't be here. KatieDawson would just be another name on a tombstone somewhere.
I hate the thought of leaving this place come next year. I know that UTSA isn't the school for me. It's filled with drugs and random sex and ahhhh digusting-ness. Don't get me wrong, it's good in some extents, but it's just a matter of finding it. I am there to get my education, and move on. Now I know that UTSA ANNNNNNNNND Austin both have their drugs, random sex, and what-have-you...but Austin is where I need to be. Or you know, perhaps it's Lousiana that may be my calling. I think with all this, I may decide to apply to LSU for kicks and giggles. See if I can get in. Maybe that's where I need to go. To go "home"? I haven't been since I visited.
This all seems like one long stream of conscienceness. I am not quite sure if any of it makes sense. But eh.
That's what you get for a 1:26 in the morning entry eh?
- Katie