bitch bitch, moan moan, blah blah blah
skip this entry. It's pointless for you to read.
TOOOOOODAAAY I was supposed to hang out with a girl. That didn't happen. She flaked. She didn't mean to, but she did. Essentially, she forgot her parent's anniversary was/is today. So, she bailed. Okay, fine whatev. We reschedule for tomorrow. She bails again. She informs me that her boyfriend of now 6 months is coming down and wants to take her out to dinner and all these nice things. To be honest, I'm jealous and mad at the same time. This boyfriend who she now doesn't even really like is going the opprotunity to hang out and spend time with a girl who in all fashion ...doesn't have the slightest bit attraction towards him. Or maybe she does, but it's pretty dismal at this point. This is now coming up on the second time I'm really trying to go for this girl. To be honest, there's more of attraction with her than the other girl. We just have that natural spark. I'm naturally attracted to her. Not saying that Jackie's isn't natural. It's just a grown attraction, ya know? Anyway, Caitlin feels really bad. I really wanted to just curl up into a little ball. How many times do I seriously have to put myself out there? Come on.
What pisses me off though..in thinking about this for an hour. Is the fact that I am second guessing that I should even GO for a relationship at all. I mean, with all of Sailer's bullshit, non-sense she told me during our epic world war three battle...I'm constantly second guessing myself in every aspect. "Am I texting her too much?" "Was that TOO straightfoward?" "Is that too open?" Like jesus fucking christ, am I ever going to be rid of my scars? I'm fucking tired. I'm completely, fucking tired. But I'm too bitter within myself to keep writing songs about her. I really, just want to sit her down and be like, "Just let me throw verbal punches at you right now just to get it out of my system. Just for my own gratification. It's selfish and wrong and completely everything I am, but god damnit I never once truly told you anything." It's true. I never once did. However, in all of this I wonder if she's just someone I can blame, a scapegoat. Or am I truly what she said, and I'm just now realising all of this?
I'm just so afraid of myself in relationships. Really, the path to reach a relationship. I always somehow find a detour I didn't know I was taking...and end up in the dreaded friendzone of life. To this I really don't mind...more friends...more of a safety net...more optimism I suppose. However to any accord, I'm afraid I'm going to struggle to find my "relationship voice" For me to somehow break this never ending cycle of bad timing, or even WITH good timing my inevitable knack of ending up being that "could have been" friend. I am fucking sick and tired of putting my whole self out on the line. For once, look past the risk of losing the friendship...if you even TRUST me in the slightest regaurd you'll know I won't let that happen...for once...for ONCE look at me. Look at me in the light I know exists. I don't just try things without reason. Anyone who knows me in the slightest bit knows that. I look at every aspect. If I think there's something worth persuing...I'll go for it, and you'll know. I make it obvious 'cause frankly I can never conceal my feelings. If you're that something...just give it a shot. Give ME a shot. If it doesn't work out, cool. At least we tried to figure out what feelings they were. But what justice does it do when they go unpersued?
exactly.
TOOOOOODAAAY I was supposed to hang out with a girl. That didn't happen. She flaked. She didn't mean to, but she did. Essentially, she forgot her parent's anniversary was/is today. So, she bailed. Okay, fine whatev. We reschedule for tomorrow. She bails again. She informs me that her boyfriend of now 6 months is coming down and wants to take her out to dinner and all these nice things. To be honest, I'm jealous and mad at the same time. This boyfriend who she now doesn't even really like is going the opprotunity to hang out and spend time with a girl who in all fashion ...doesn't have the slightest bit attraction towards him. Or maybe she does, but it's pretty dismal at this point. This is now coming up on the second time I'm really trying to go for this girl. To be honest, there's more of attraction with her than the other girl. We just have that natural spark. I'm naturally attracted to her. Not saying that Jackie's isn't natural. It's just a grown attraction, ya know? Anyway, Caitlin feels really bad. I really wanted to just curl up into a little ball. How many times do I seriously have to put myself out there? Come on.
What pisses me off though..in thinking about this for an hour. Is the fact that I am second guessing that I should even GO for a relationship at all. I mean, with all of Sailer's bullshit, non-sense she told me during our epic world war three battle...I'm constantly second guessing myself in every aspect. "Am I texting her too much?" "Was that TOO straightfoward?" "Is that too open?" Like jesus fucking christ, am I ever going to be rid of my scars? I'm fucking tired. I'm completely, fucking tired. But I'm too bitter within myself to keep writing songs about her. I really, just want to sit her down and be like, "Just let me throw verbal punches at you right now just to get it out of my system. Just for my own gratification. It's selfish and wrong and completely everything I am, but god damnit I never once truly told you anything." It's true. I never once did. However, in all of this I wonder if she's just someone I can blame, a scapegoat. Or am I truly what she said, and I'm just now realising all of this?
I'm just so afraid of myself in relationships. Really, the path to reach a relationship. I always somehow find a detour I didn't know I was taking...and end up in the dreaded friendzone of life. To this I really don't mind...more friends...more of a safety net...more optimism I suppose. However to any accord, I'm afraid I'm going to struggle to find my "relationship voice" For me to somehow break this never ending cycle of bad timing, or even WITH good timing my inevitable knack of ending up being that "could have been" friend. I am fucking sick and tired of putting my whole self out on the line. For once, look past the risk of losing the friendship...if you even TRUST me in the slightest regaurd you'll know I won't let that happen...for once...for ONCE look at me. Look at me in the light I know exists. I don't just try things without reason. Anyone who knows me in the slightest bit knows that. I look at every aspect. If I think there's something worth persuing...I'll go for it, and you'll know. I make it obvious 'cause frankly I can never conceal my feelings. If you're that something...just give it a shot. Give ME a shot. If it doesn't work out, cool. At least we tried to figure out what feelings they were. But what justice does it do when they go unpersued?
exactly.