I Don't Know
Frustrated, disappointed, defeated. Last night as I sat there, I asked myself why it always had to be this way, that it always had to be me taking the fall. My previous relationships have all more or less been the same. I always feel like I'm the one at the losing end if ever it never worked out. The result: I end up being the one putting all my shit on the line, and, well, it hasn't really worked out as I'd hoped.
After the last time I had tried and failed with you, I said to myself, I will settle for no more than what I think I deserve. When we decided to try this again, I had said, for that reason, that there are a lot of things that I want you to change. You had said yes. And my hopes for that 'perfect' relationship had been raised. Really, you're in a class of your own if I were to classify the important people in my life, but at that point, I knew that I couldn't live with a lot of the stuff you do, but you had said that you would change, and that in my mind, was the ticket for me to be happy in the 'perfect relationship' with the love of my life.
Obviously, it hasn't turned out that way. I don't know now if its just the way we are, or maybe its me, or maybe its because you're away for work, I really don't know anymore. The only thing I know now is that I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make this work, I don't know what it'll take for me to get what I had hoped for, because frankly, I'm not happy right now.
I stick around because I still hold on to that hope that everything will be alright. Many times I really would just rather be alone that have to worry about something that seems not primed for change. You say you've changed, but you still talk before you think, you still think of your ideas above everyone else's, especially mine, because you think that I do the same. I can never win an argument with you, you've always got the reasons. Even when I'm hurt from something you did, I find that I would have to apologize afterwards for being hurt because I don't understand your reasons and motives. You say that a relationship requires two people to grow, well, then I really don't know what 'grow' means in your vocabulary.
You've taught me a lot of things. Patience, resilience and understanding, among the most important. By this I mean the 10 years that came before this. I have learned many things from those 10 years, having to swallow whatever bit of pride I had to keep trying to make things work, having to understand all the hurt that I had felt because you never felt the same way for me, and having to wait because you always had more important things to do.
The worst part of all this is that I feel like I've no right to feel when it comes to you. Its like, whenever I'm hurt or sad about something, you'd always just get mad and say something like 'can't you see im trying, why is it never enough, why is it that there's always something wrong'. Sure, I don't wash my hands of my own sins but... really, I wonder to myself why this is the case. The same things I'm writing now, I tried to tell you last night, but you wouldn't hear any of it. All you wanted to hear was that yes, I agreed with you.
Will continue this at another time.
After the last time I had tried and failed with you, I said to myself, I will settle for no more than what I think I deserve. When we decided to try this again, I had said, for that reason, that there are a lot of things that I want you to change. You had said yes. And my hopes for that 'perfect' relationship had been raised. Really, you're in a class of your own if I were to classify the important people in my life, but at that point, I knew that I couldn't live with a lot of the stuff you do, but you had said that you would change, and that in my mind, was the ticket for me to be happy in the 'perfect relationship' with the love of my life.
Obviously, it hasn't turned out that way. I don't know now if its just the way we are, or maybe its me, or maybe its because you're away for work, I really don't know anymore. The only thing I know now is that I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make this work, I don't know what it'll take for me to get what I had hoped for, because frankly, I'm not happy right now.
I stick around because I still hold on to that hope that everything will be alright. Many times I really would just rather be alone that have to worry about something that seems not primed for change. You say you've changed, but you still talk before you think, you still think of your ideas above everyone else's, especially mine, because you think that I do the same. I can never win an argument with you, you've always got the reasons. Even when I'm hurt from something you did, I find that I would have to apologize afterwards for being hurt because I don't understand your reasons and motives. You say that a relationship requires two people to grow, well, then I really don't know what 'grow' means in your vocabulary.
You've taught me a lot of things. Patience, resilience and understanding, among the most important. By this I mean the 10 years that came before this. I have learned many things from those 10 years, having to swallow whatever bit of pride I had to keep trying to make things work, having to understand all the hurt that I had felt because you never felt the same way for me, and having to wait because you always had more important things to do.
The worst part of all this is that I feel like I've no right to feel when it comes to you. Its like, whenever I'm hurt or sad about something, you'd always just get mad and say something like 'can't you see im trying, why is it never enough, why is it that there's always something wrong'. Sure, I don't wash my hands of my own sins but... really, I wonder to myself why this is the case. The same things I'm writing now, I tried to tell you last night, but you wouldn't hear any of it. All you wanted to hear was that yes, I agreed with you.
Will continue this at another time.