A Confession.
After months of not posting anything substantial on this journal, well, here's one. Anyway, I'm sure you've noticed that this is where my more personal ramblings appear, rather than on the WordPress blog.
I'm shit scared of a lot of things right now, and I find myself spending a lot of time worrying. Work and school on top of the pile of course. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle the resort and do school at the same time. I'm pretty sure one of them will suffer, and if that were to be the case, maybe I should just drop one first and focus on what's more important which is, of course, the resort. Last sem didn't turn out so good. Even if I did well in school, the resort suffered a LOT of delays which I still haven't sorted out until now. I just have this feeling that I won't be able to make it out of the next 6 months or so.
The resort. I honestly have no idea or education (still in the process) on how to operate one. So far, willpower and guts have gotten me through ok, but I doubt that'll work in operation. I have this constant fear of failing. I always want to do well in whatever I choose to do, in however way I can. All of a sudden though, this resort seems to be more than I can handle. I don't know if I suddenly just have these anxiety issues or what, but I feel so inadequate to actually man this entire thing by myself. I'd love to ask for help, but I don't really know anyone with expertise in this field whom I trust enough to guide me. Lost, again, is the word I'm looking for.
But the resort, school, I can actually wing it, given some sacrifices, and do ok. Problems like this I can handle. What's really eating me up now, the real issue, is that I'm just beyond finding myself among people I trust and love. The situation's been pretty rough. I find myself slowly drifting away, pulling myself away from everyone and everything I'm supposed to hold close to me. That of course, isn't good, isn't what I really want to be doing. There aren't any real reasons or events or people that led to this situation. It just happened I guess. I don't want to put myself into the fray, for a lot of reasons, none of which I feel will be comprehensible to many. I don't really explain myself, mostly because my explanations never really end very well. Someone somewhere always mixes it up and I find that it would have been better if I had not said anything. So meh, yeah. I'm tired of having to explain so many things to so many people, especially when I know there shouldn't be anything to explain in the first place. I'm just afraid of how this will all end in the long run.
I'm shit scared of a lot of things right now, and I find myself spending a lot of time worrying. Work and school on top of the pile of course. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle the resort and do school at the same time. I'm pretty sure one of them will suffer, and if that were to be the case, maybe I should just drop one first and focus on what's more important which is, of course, the resort. Last sem didn't turn out so good. Even if I did well in school, the resort suffered a LOT of delays which I still haven't sorted out until now. I just have this feeling that I won't be able to make it out of the next 6 months or so.
The resort. I honestly have no idea or education (still in the process) on how to operate one. So far, willpower and guts have gotten me through ok, but I doubt that'll work in operation. I have this constant fear of failing. I always want to do well in whatever I choose to do, in however way I can. All of a sudden though, this resort seems to be more than I can handle. I don't know if I suddenly just have these anxiety issues or what, but I feel so inadequate to actually man this entire thing by myself. I'd love to ask for help, but I don't really know anyone with expertise in this field whom I trust enough to guide me. Lost, again, is the word I'm looking for.
But the resort, school, I can actually wing it, given some sacrifices, and do ok. Problems like this I can handle. What's really eating me up now, the real issue, is that I'm just beyond finding myself among people I trust and love. The situation's been pretty rough. I find myself slowly drifting away, pulling myself away from everyone and everything I'm supposed to hold close to me. That of course, isn't good, isn't what I really want to be doing. There aren't any real reasons or events or people that led to this situation. It just happened I guess. I don't want to put myself into the fray, for a lot of reasons, none of which I feel will be comprehensible to many. I don't really explain myself, mostly because my explanations never really end very well. Someone somewhere always mixes it up and I find that it would have been better if I had not said anything. So meh, yeah. I'm tired of having to explain so many things to so many people, especially when I know there shouldn't be anything to explain in the first place. I'm just afraid of how this will all end in the long run.