Right so...
I really don't know what the deal is here. What is the deal? Someone tell me the deal.
Tina's party was some good times. I seriously love Balderdash.
You know, I seriously need something to think about. Wait, what am I talking about? I need less to think about so I can have more space to think about things I need to figure out. I still don't know what I believe in or what I'm like, really. I don't want to paint anymore signs or murals. I don't want to do my series and I don't want to write an essay comparing Kurt Vonnegut novels. What I want is to let loose and be creative. I want to figure myself out through creation. Sometimes I think school, while trying desperately to develop our creative skills, is actually dampening our creative spirits. After I write this essay or after I'm done this art series, it's not like I'm going to want to write more or draw more. If anything it'll make me want to go out and do something physical. And what good is that to me? It's no good, that's what it is. It's only good for my outside. I need to nurture the inside.
Or something.
And I'm really sad that after all these years I'm suddenly having so many people problems. I'm getting blamed for a lot of stuff that maybe I did do. Maybe I really did. But I mean, if I didn't mean for any of this to happen, does it count? Am I still to blame? I'm not sure. But today as I was dozing on the couch (not working on my series, if that matters) I was absolutely overcome by guilt and by motivation. Not motivation to do my work (of course not) but to fix some of this sadness. Actually, I'm not sure it's sadness. It's just that I wish I could have hung on to some of these relationships but I just couldn't! And when a person says that I meant to, that I'm to blame, and implies that I am an evil person, it really makes me feel so guilty. And then that spurns into my questioning of everything: Do I care? Am I really that bad? Does any of this really matter? In the whole scheme of things, does it matter if I stop talking to everyone? And just out of comfort to myself, I answer no.
Is that the right answer?
What is? Is it one of those stupid 'depends on the situation' answers?
I don't know. But I do know how I can make myself feel better.
So I can try that.
But just by personal history I know that I probably won't. It's not a sudden change of heart or lack of caring; it's just fear. Or maybe it feels futile to me. I'm in leaving mode. It feels almost as if I'm dying; like I only have a few more months before I leave this life. Then I have to say goodbye to everything. There are so many people I don't think I can bear to be away from. Even just people I take for granted everyday. And as I realize it in these last few months, my heart sometimes feels like it's bursting with love for them. Sometimes I feel like I might cry just when I see certain people. There are so many memories I have and that I don't want to lose. I don't want to make new ones. I don't want to make new friends. I just feel so fine here. There are so many people I am in love with at my school. I don't know how to leave! And when I do leave and I look back, I know there will be so many moves I missed, so many things I didn't say or do that I'll regret not doing.
See what I mean when I say I feel like I'm dying?
Tina's party was some good times. I seriously love Balderdash.
You know, I seriously need something to think about. Wait, what am I talking about? I need less to think about so I can have more space to think about things I need to figure out. I still don't know what I believe in or what I'm like, really. I don't want to paint anymore signs or murals. I don't want to do my series and I don't want to write an essay comparing Kurt Vonnegut novels. What I want is to let loose and be creative. I want to figure myself out through creation. Sometimes I think school, while trying desperately to develop our creative skills, is actually dampening our creative spirits. After I write this essay or after I'm done this art series, it's not like I'm going to want to write more or draw more. If anything it'll make me want to go out and do something physical. And what good is that to me? It's no good, that's what it is. It's only good for my outside. I need to nurture the inside.
Or something.
And I'm really sad that after all these years I'm suddenly having so many people problems. I'm getting blamed for a lot of stuff that maybe I did do. Maybe I really did. But I mean, if I didn't mean for any of this to happen, does it count? Am I still to blame? I'm not sure. But today as I was dozing on the couch (not working on my series, if that matters) I was absolutely overcome by guilt and by motivation. Not motivation to do my work (of course not) but to fix some of this sadness. Actually, I'm not sure it's sadness. It's just that I wish I could have hung on to some of these relationships but I just couldn't! And when a person says that I meant to, that I'm to blame, and implies that I am an evil person, it really makes me feel so guilty. And then that spurns into my questioning of everything: Do I care? Am I really that bad? Does any of this really matter? In the whole scheme of things, does it matter if I stop talking to everyone? And just out of comfort to myself, I answer no.
Is that the right answer?
What is? Is it one of those stupid 'depends on the situation' answers?
I don't know. But I do know how I can make myself feel better.
So I can try that.
But just by personal history I know that I probably won't. It's not a sudden change of heart or lack of caring; it's just fear. Or maybe it feels futile to me. I'm in leaving mode. It feels almost as if I'm dying; like I only have a few more months before I leave this life. Then I have to say goodbye to everything. There are so many people I don't think I can bear to be away from. Even just people I take for granted everyday. And as I realize it in these last few months, my heart sometimes feels like it's bursting with love for them. Sometimes I feel like I might cry just when I see certain people. There are so many memories I have and that I don't want to lose. I don't want to make new ones. I don't want to make new friends. I just feel so fine here. There are so many people I am in love with at my school. I don't know how to leave! And when I do leave and I look back, I know there will be so many moves I missed, so many things I didn't say or do that I'll regret not doing.
See what I mean when I say I feel like I'm dying?