Fic: Lasting Damage
Title: Lasting Damage
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: by the end McKay/Sheppard
Warnings: Descriptive non-con/rape of an underage character (told in dreams), child abuse, very not nice to John's past.
This is written for a prompt at the SGA Kink Meme here that went: John Sheppard, child abuse, dark, (possible underage). John was abused as a child. Would like either what happened or how it affects him later.
****
~*~
He whimpered as strong hands held him down. The huge fingers invaded him and John screamed around the gag in his mouth. He'd tried so hard this time to be a good boy, but then Davey had knocked over the wine bottle and John didn't want her mad at Davey, so he had said he'd done it. John grunted as she tightened the strips holding him in place.
"Such a horrible little boy." She slapped his thigh. "You want to earn my love, don't you Johnny?"
He nodded. That's all he'd ever wanted. He tired to say please around the gag, but it didn't sound like a word. She slapped him hard across the face.
"Shut up." She peered at him for a while. "I don't think you're sorry yet." She tested his hole with her fingers as she stared at him.
He stared back and tried not to flinch. She got mad if he flinched. She gripped his shaft and squeezed. He cringed and that was worse. She smiled sweetly at him and started putting the clothespins on him. He cried and tried not to make noise.
When she was done she watched him for a while and John started to float away from his body. It was getting harder to remember what he'd done to upset her.
She smiled down at him. "There you go. You'll be good now, won't you, my love?" She stroked along his ribs and John sighed. Then she shoved into him with her fingers.
He arched against the bonds. She gazed at him and then started pulling off the clothespins. He grunted with each blossom of pain. She removed his gag as she pumped the fingers of her other hand into him.
"Are you ready to be my good boy?"
He was streaming tears and trying not to gasp with each explosion of pleasure/pain from the movement of her fingers. "Y-yes."
She pulled out, leaving him straining for something, he wasn't sure what. "Good boy." She unstrapped him and lifted him. They moved to her bed and the fluffy pillows that smelled of roses. She wrapped herself around him, tucking his wet face into her neck. His back snug between her breasts.
Then she started to pull at his sore dick. He wiggled and she hit him on the balls.
"Stay still, like a good boy, Johnny."
He stilled and she made his body shudder and shudder. Then she pushed him forward to kneel in front of her with his ass in the air. As she plunged fingers back into him, John floated away completely. He knew she'd hit him when she was ready for him to use his tongue on her.
~*~
John jerked awake and stared at his ceiling. He hated dreaming that before a mission. He scrubbed his face with his hands. After a while, John got up to get ready for his day.
****
He was mildly surprised when they didn't get shot at and got invited to dinner. Ignoring McKay's grumbling, John nodded at Teyla so she'd accept and listened absentmindedly as she explained that they would need to watch what McKay ate.
It went well until desert. John exsued himself hastily and stood outside the dinning hall trying to just calm the fuck down. Ronon appeared at his shoulder.
"Okay?"
He nodded and tried to grin. "Just full." He patted his stomach and tried to make it sound like he meant it. Ronon watched him as he walked away. He could feel it at the back of his neck, so he waited until he got back to their rooms before he threw up.
McKay arrived not three minutes after he'd laid down. "What happened? You alright, Sheppard? You didn't eat the rose they gave us."
He flapped a hand at McKay. "I'm fine, Rodney."
The sniff he got for that wasn't even worth the effort. John rolled onto his side and tried to appear asleep.
"You want to do the pier thing when we get back. Like the next day or soemthing? Not the day we get back, since we'll both be busy, but maybe the next day or the day after that..."
"Sure, buddy." John closed his eyes. He just wanted to sleep.
~*~
She pressed him into the sheets face first. The rose smell clogging his nose. She spread his ass cheeks and swiped lube across him. He cringed because that meant it was going to be bad. She hit him hard for cringing and then swiped more lube onto him, pressing it in with the flat of her fingers.
He pulled on the bindings holding his arms. It hurt, but she'd hurt him more with the things. He whimpered as she played with his feet.
"Going to be a good boy, now aren't you Johnny?" She swirled something around his hole. Then she pushed it in.
He pressed his face into the pillow and went lightheaded as his air slowly ran out. She was thrusting the hard fake dick into him. It was huge, splitting him wide open. He found he couldn't feel it as much once his awareness started to gray out.
He came back to himself with her angry face watching him.
"Now, that was being a bad boy, wasn't it? You'll be sorry, Johnny." She smiled. "You'll earn my love back, won't you, dear?"
He didn't even have time to answer as she settled herself over him. He whimpered as she gripped him hard to guide his dick into her. As she started to ride him she pinched and yanked on his nipples. John arched and cried out, though the gag muffled it.
She rode him harder, jamming herself down on him, until she shuddered. He twisted as she pulled off. "Now, you don't want to make a mess, do you dear?" She gripped his balls and pulled them down and away from his shaft.
John bowed and screamed. She hit him over and over until he softened. She was pulled out the gag and started to sit on his face...
~*~
John jerked awake and sat up gasping. Rodney rolled away from him and grumbled. Ronon was up with a knife drawn and Teyla was holding her weapon and watching him.
John shuddered and turned away from Teyla. "I'm fine." He ran his hand through his hair and listened to Ronon put away his knife and lay back down. He could feel Teyla's eyes on him and John forced himself to sit still.
****
He was happy to get back to the City and get away from the worry of his team. He wasn't sure what Teyla had said to McKay, but even he was starting to bother John.
"Where are you going?"
John pulled up short and mentally sighed before turning to face McKay. "Going to my room, Rodney."
"Oh." McKay made this hurt face. "I thought we'd eat dinner. You know, together." McKay started waving his hands around. "Not, you know, like together, together, but like..."
"Dinner. Later." John herded McKay in front of him. "You need to check on your whatever in the lab, right?"
McKay nodded. "Right, right, so, dinner later? Say eight?"
John nodded and sighed as soon as the doors of the transporter shut between them.
****
John felt like he was missing something as McKay bumped his shoulder as they walked back towards the living quarters after dinner. He bumped back and McKay turned and grinned at him. John smiled back.
They bumped shoulders again as they got near McKay's door. McKay started to say something as his door slid open, but John was really tired so he interrupted before McKay could say anything.
"So, see you tomorrow?" He smiled and slouched against the door jam. McKay frowned at him, but nodded and disappeared into his room. Turning, John started for his room, but suddenly Ronon was in his way.
"What's your problem, Sheppard?"
He scrubbed his hair with one hand and stared at Ronon. "Ah, what?"
Ronon cocked his head and then grabbed him by the arm. Despite a yelp, John couldn't get him to let go. Once they were inside his room, Ronon released him and John backed away several feet.
"Okay. What the hell is your issue?"
Ronon narrowed his eyes. "You need to tell him if you don't want to be bedded, Sheppard."
He blinked and blinked so more. Then he dropped to sit on the floor right where he was and stared up at Ronon, who was now frowning at him. "What? I...what?"
Ronon knelt down in front of him. "You didn't realize McKay wants you?"
John dumbly shook his head. "Why...He what?"
"He likes you." Ronon tilted his head. "You've been making him think you like him back."
He blinked and licked his lower lip. "I...do like him." He frowned. "You can't..."
"I know." Ronon pulled him upright by his collar. "One of your Army Specialists explained it to me. She was very blunt." Ronon sat him on the end of his bed. "I liked her."
"I didn't know."
Ronon grinned. "Yeah, got that. Sleep, Sheppard. He'll still like you in the morning."
****
~*~
He had thought it couldn't get worse, but then she's tied him down, blindfolded, and spread wide. He jerked when there were footsteps. She hit him across the ribs.
"Don't move, Johnny. You want to please us."
Then there were huge hands on him. Bigger than hers. John went still. He was better at it now. He held still through the lube and the fingers, but when the man thrust into him, John arched against the ropes and screamed through the gag. She pressed him back down.
"You have to be a good boy, Johnny. Hold still now, love." She continued to hold him down as he was rocked by the thrusts.
He whimpered as the man started biting his shoulders and neck. She was kissing his fingertips gently. John could feel the tears start and he didn't want to cry.
When the man was done he pulled out and John was turned on his side. She muttered about cleaning and then he could hear them beside him. Her fingers clawed at his head and the blindfold was pulled away.
He could only watch as she was pounded into by the man who John didn't know. When she started to shudder she grabbed his still hard dick and started pulling. He cried out through the gag as he stiffened.
~*~
John sat up with a gasp. His uniform was still on was his first thought and then he rolled enough to retch on the floor, not his bed. Wiping his mouth, John shuddered. Remembering hazy memories more clearly wasn't something he really needed.
Moving stiffly, John cleaned up and showered. He skipped the normal run with Ronon and knocked on McKay's door.
McKay answered rumbled and sleepy eyed. He squinted at John and then stepped aside. John stood nervously in the middle of McKay's room as McKay pulled on his boots.
"What it is? You're usually running with Conan right now, aren't you?"
John snapped his wristband. "You want to try being together?"
McKay blinked up at him. "You hit your head, didn't you?"
"No." John glared. "I'm not injured. I'm asking you of you want to, you know, be...whatever you want to call it."
Eyebrows raised, McKay gestured to his desk chair. "Sit down."
John sat and they stared at each other for a few moments. "I'm serious, Rodney."
"Got that, yes." McKay pulled the chair towards him by the armrest. John picked up his feet so it would roll easier. McKay looked him in the eye. "You want this?"
He shrugged, because he wasn't sure what the hell he wanted. "Worth a try."
McKay snorted. "You are so weird." He shoved John's chair back and stood up. "I'm hungry."
Happy because he knew what to do with a hungry McKay, John stood.
****
They watched the credits of the movie roll across the screen. John turned from the screen to McKay...Rodney, he could call him Rodney in his head. "Hey."
Rodney grinned at him, loose and happy. "Hi." With a click, Rodney turned the movie off. "Want to kiss?"
He grinned because Rodney was lots easier to figure out than any woman he'd been around. John nodded and they leaned into each other. It was...nice. He licked at Rodney's lips as they pulled back. He blinked. That had been fun.
Grabbing Rodney gently, John dove back in. They kissed slow and wet. John broke it off as Rodney's hands started to roam.
Rodney petted John's hair. "Want to try this naked?"
John bit his lip even as he nodded. He liked Rodney and Rodney was...Rodney. "Yeah." His voice was rough, and John pulled his shirt off.
He allowed Rodney to push them down onto the bed. He roamed his hands over Rodney's back as they kissed. Rodney broke off and mouthed John's neck as they rocked together. Rodney's hand was gentle as he gripped John's cock.
John stared up at the ceiling as Rodney pumped him slowly. He rubbed at Rodney's back and just panted.
Rodney pulled back from his neck. "God, this is so good."
It was like a switch flipped. John froze as his body tried to force him to run away. He didn't want to run away. Rodney was nice. Above him Rodney had gone still.
"John?"
With a shove, John was out from under Rodney and half on the floor, gasping and shaking. Rodney sat staring for a minute and then he was wrapping a blanket around John's shoulders. It smelled like Rodney. John pulled it tight around himself as Rodney sat down near him.
"You okay now?"
John bit his lip and shrugged. He reached for his clothes.
"What just happened, John?"
He froze with his shirt in his hand. "I...I can't."
Rodney moved closer and John watched him warily. "John. You were fine until I spoke. Now I think, since we're trying to be a couple here, that you at least attempt to explain why talking was bad." Rodney touched the side of his face and John held still for it. "Please, John. Just try."
"You won't understand. No one ever does." He let the blanket fall to his lap and around his back as he pulled on the shirt.
"Try anyway."
"She loved me." He forced himself to look at Rodney. "She just got rough sometimes. She wanted me to be a good boy." He rubbed his hair. "I tried really hard."
Rodney nodded. "I'm sure you tried, John. Who was she?"
"My mother." John watched as Rodney blinked. Then he flinched back as Rodney grabbed him into a hug. Rodney let go almost as soon as he started.
Pushing back, Rodney smiled at him. "Want to go to breakfast after I check on something in the lab?"
John wanted to ask why Rodney wasn't screaming like Nancy had done, but instead he just nodded and pulled on his pants.
****
Rodney wanted to throw up, but he was too mad. He stocked through the hallways until he saw Ronon. He grabbed a hold of Ronon's elbow and started pulling him along.
"What?" Ronon followed and didn't make Rodney had to fight him, which made him all the more angry.
He got them into the gym and thought the doors locked. Teyla looked up from where she was scretching in the corner. "I want to fight."
Ronon's eyebrows rose. "Why? You don't like to fight."
"I just want to fight."
Ronon glanced at Teyla and then nodded. "Okay."
Rodney didn't wait, because he knew Ronon was never off-guard really. He threw a punch. Then it was just movement and Ronon blocking him. It took a while but he finally wobbled. Ronon caught him and eased him down to the floor.
Teyla was there with a bottle of water. "Drink, Rodney."
Rodney drank and wiped his brow with the towel Ronon held out.
"What happened?" Ronon took the water bottle from him and finished it off.
"I messed up."
Ronon nodded. "So badly that Sheppard couldn't handle it?"
He shook his head. "He, ah, took it better than I did. I think." Rodney turned to Teyla. "What do you do when you find out the person you want to be with is..." He shuddered and leaned into Ronon's shoulder as Ronon pulled him in. "Just the thought of it is horrible and he was all...him about it." He flung a hand around to help him make his point. "I don't think he even grasps that he was a victim."
Teyla grabbed his hand. "Take a breathe, Rodney. In deeply...now out slowly."
Rodney obeyed and felt better after a few repetitions. Teyla pressed another water bottle into his hand.
"He trusted you enough to try, Rodney. Now you must trust him enough to allow him to tell you when to stop. Can you do that for him?"
He nodded because he could. It was John. He could be carefully patient for John.
"Good." Teyla stood. "We will go to breakfast and once you've changed you will join us. We will say nothing of this to John."
He nodded again as Ronon hauled him to his feet. John didn't need to know he'd gone a little crazy. Ronon clapped him on the shoulder.
"You fight better mad, McKay."
He would have laughed, but that'd just lead him to crying so he just smiled.
****
John let Rodney decide where he wanted to sit. Rodney even showing up at breakfast was amazing. Him still talking to John was just a bonus. John settled on the floor next to his bed and splayed his legs. "So."
Rodney pulled a pillow from the bed and settled on it a few feet from John's right foot. "So."
John leaned back into the side of his bed. "You want to ask questions, don't you?"
"No, but I'm going to anyway." Rodney tapped his fingers against his lip. "What words besides 'good' do I need to avoid?"
John closed his eyes. "Boy. Never... never call me Johnny." He opened his eyes and tipped his head forward. "Don't ask me to please you. Okay?"
Rodney nodded. "I can avoid all that." Nudging John's foot with his own, Rodney grinned at him. "We'll be okay."
John smiled. "Yeah."
"Positions you don't like?"
With a snort, John reached out and pulled Rodney towards himself. "We'll figure it out as we go."
"Sure." Rodney leaned into the kiss and then pulled away. "What about.."
John laughed as he captured Rodney's mouth and cut him off. They kissed and John got them moved to the bed eventually. He liked the little noises he could get Rodney to make. They broke apart enough to pull some of their clothes off and then Rodney was hovering over John.
"Alright?"
John nodded and pulled Rodney down onto himself. They groped and kissed for what seemed like forever to John. It kept getting better as Rodney didn't try to make them go faster. When he finally broke them apart, Rodney was glassy eyed and John decided he really liked that.
They tucked up together and Rodney mumbled something about not even getting their underwear off. John laughed and kissed the side of Rodney's neck.
****
~*~
He never fought anymore. He just lay still where she put him. The bindings were tight, cutting into his skin. He whimpered as she thrust fingers into him.
Then suddenly, John watched her fade away and the rose smell slid into the smell of dry markers, metal, and the ocean. He was wrapped in strong arms and the bindings dissappeard. John sighed as his body relaxed against the new man that held him gently.
There was a mutter and his hair was petted. John smiled and slid into sleep.
~*~
Rodney soothed John's hair back and muttered to him that he was safe. John's body uncurled and he relaxed with a sigh. A smile flitted across his face before it went sleep slack again.
Rodney snuggled tighter against John on his stupid little bed. Fighting with Ronon was going to be a routine thing for a while, he could tell. Rodney kissed John's temple and went back to sleep.
****
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: by the end McKay/Sheppard
Warnings: Descriptive non-con/rape of an underage character (told in dreams), child abuse, very not nice to John's past.
This is written for a prompt at the SGA Kink Meme here that went: John Sheppard, child abuse, dark, (possible underage). John was abused as a child. Would like either what happened or how it affects him later.
****
~*~
He whimpered as strong hands held him down. The huge fingers invaded him and John screamed around the gag in his mouth. He'd tried so hard this time to be a good boy, but then Davey had knocked over the wine bottle and John didn't want her mad at Davey, so he had said he'd done it. John grunted as she tightened the strips holding him in place.
"Such a horrible little boy." She slapped his thigh. "You want to earn my love, don't you Johnny?"
He nodded. That's all he'd ever wanted. He tired to say please around the gag, but it didn't sound like a word. She slapped him hard across the face.
"Shut up." She peered at him for a while. "I don't think you're sorry yet." She tested his hole with her fingers as she stared at him.
He stared back and tried not to flinch. She got mad if he flinched. She gripped his shaft and squeezed. He cringed and that was worse. She smiled sweetly at him and started putting the clothespins on him. He cried and tried not to make noise.
When she was done she watched him for a while and John started to float away from his body. It was getting harder to remember what he'd done to upset her.
She smiled down at him. "There you go. You'll be good now, won't you, my love?" She stroked along his ribs and John sighed. Then she shoved into him with her fingers.
He arched against the bonds. She gazed at him and then started pulling off the clothespins. He grunted with each blossom of pain. She removed his gag as she pumped the fingers of her other hand into him.
"Are you ready to be my good boy?"
He was streaming tears and trying not to gasp with each explosion of pleasure/pain from the movement of her fingers. "Y-yes."
She pulled out, leaving him straining for something, he wasn't sure what. "Good boy." She unstrapped him and lifted him. They moved to her bed and the fluffy pillows that smelled of roses. She wrapped herself around him, tucking his wet face into her neck. His back snug between her breasts.
Then she started to pull at his sore dick. He wiggled and she hit him on the balls.
"Stay still, like a good boy, Johnny."
He stilled and she made his body shudder and shudder. Then she pushed him forward to kneel in front of her with his ass in the air. As she plunged fingers back into him, John floated away completely. He knew she'd hit him when she was ready for him to use his tongue on her.
~*~
John jerked awake and stared at his ceiling. He hated dreaming that before a mission. He scrubbed his face with his hands. After a while, John got up to get ready for his day.
****
He was mildly surprised when they didn't get shot at and got invited to dinner. Ignoring McKay's grumbling, John nodded at Teyla so she'd accept and listened absentmindedly as she explained that they would need to watch what McKay ate.
It went well until desert. John exsued himself hastily and stood outside the dinning hall trying to just calm the fuck down. Ronon appeared at his shoulder.
"Okay?"
He nodded and tried to grin. "Just full." He patted his stomach and tried to make it sound like he meant it. Ronon watched him as he walked away. He could feel it at the back of his neck, so he waited until he got back to their rooms before he threw up.
McKay arrived not three minutes after he'd laid down. "What happened? You alright, Sheppard? You didn't eat the rose they gave us."
He flapped a hand at McKay. "I'm fine, Rodney."
The sniff he got for that wasn't even worth the effort. John rolled onto his side and tried to appear asleep.
"You want to do the pier thing when we get back. Like the next day or soemthing? Not the day we get back, since we'll both be busy, but maybe the next day or the day after that..."
"Sure, buddy." John closed his eyes. He just wanted to sleep.
~*~
She pressed him into the sheets face first. The rose smell clogging his nose. She spread his ass cheeks and swiped lube across him. He cringed because that meant it was going to be bad. She hit him hard for cringing and then swiped more lube onto him, pressing it in with the flat of her fingers.
He pulled on the bindings holding his arms. It hurt, but she'd hurt him more with the things. He whimpered as she played with his feet.
"Going to be a good boy, now aren't you Johnny?" She swirled something around his hole. Then she pushed it in.
He pressed his face into the pillow and went lightheaded as his air slowly ran out. She was thrusting the hard fake dick into him. It was huge, splitting him wide open. He found he couldn't feel it as much once his awareness started to gray out.
He came back to himself with her angry face watching him.
"Now, that was being a bad boy, wasn't it? You'll be sorry, Johnny." She smiled. "You'll earn my love back, won't you, dear?"
He didn't even have time to answer as she settled herself over him. He whimpered as she gripped him hard to guide his dick into her. As she started to ride him she pinched and yanked on his nipples. John arched and cried out, though the gag muffled it.
She rode him harder, jamming herself down on him, until she shuddered. He twisted as she pulled off. "Now, you don't want to make a mess, do you dear?" She gripped his balls and pulled them down and away from his shaft.
John bowed and screamed. She hit him over and over until he softened. She was pulled out the gag and started to sit on his face...
~*~
John jerked awake and sat up gasping. Rodney rolled away from him and grumbled. Ronon was up with a knife drawn and Teyla was holding her weapon and watching him.
John shuddered and turned away from Teyla. "I'm fine." He ran his hand through his hair and listened to Ronon put away his knife and lay back down. He could feel Teyla's eyes on him and John forced himself to sit still.
****
He was happy to get back to the City and get away from the worry of his team. He wasn't sure what Teyla had said to McKay, but even he was starting to bother John.
"Where are you going?"
John pulled up short and mentally sighed before turning to face McKay. "Going to my room, Rodney."
"Oh." McKay made this hurt face. "I thought we'd eat dinner. You know, together." McKay started waving his hands around. "Not, you know, like together, together, but like..."
"Dinner. Later." John herded McKay in front of him. "You need to check on your whatever in the lab, right?"
McKay nodded. "Right, right, so, dinner later? Say eight?"
John nodded and sighed as soon as the doors of the transporter shut between them.
****
John felt like he was missing something as McKay bumped his shoulder as they walked back towards the living quarters after dinner. He bumped back and McKay turned and grinned at him. John smiled back.
They bumped shoulders again as they got near McKay's door. McKay started to say something as his door slid open, but John was really tired so he interrupted before McKay could say anything.
"So, see you tomorrow?" He smiled and slouched against the door jam. McKay frowned at him, but nodded and disappeared into his room. Turning, John started for his room, but suddenly Ronon was in his way.
"What's your problem, Sheppard?"
He scrubbed his hair with one hand and stared at Ronon. "Ah, what?"
Ronon cocked his head and then grabbed him by the arm. Despite a yelp, John couldn't get him to let go. Once they were inside his room, Ronon released him and John backed away several feet.
"Okay. What the hell is your issue?"
Ronon narrowed his eyes. "You need to tell him if you don't want to be bedded, Sheppard."
He blinked and blinked so more. Then he dropped to sit on the floor right where he was and stared up at Ronon, who was now frowning at him. "What? I...what?"
Ronon knelt down in front of him. "You didn't realize McKay wants you?"
John dumbly shook his head. "Why...He what?"
"He likes you." Ronon tilted his head. "You've been making him think you like him back."
He blinked and licked his lower lip. "I...do like him." He frowned. "You can't..."
"I know." Ronon pulled him upright by his collar. "One of your Army Specialists explained it to me. She was very blunt." Ronon sat him on the end of his bed. "I liked her."
"I didn't know."
Ronon grinned. "Yeah, got that. Sleep, Sheppard. He'll still like you in the morning."
****
~*~
He had thought it couldn't get worse, but then she's tied him down, blindfolded, and spread wide. He jerked when there were footsteps. She hit him across the ribs.
"Don't move, Johnny. You want to please us."
Then there were huge hands on him. Bigger than hers. John went still. He was better at it now. He held still through the lube and the fingers, but when the man thrust into him, John arched against the ropes and screamed through the gag. She pressed him back down.
"You have to be a good boy, Johnny. Hold still now, love." She continued to hold him down as he was rocked by the thrusts.
He whimpered as the man started biting his shoulders and neck. She was kissing his fingertips gently. John could feel the tears start and he didn't want to cry.
When the man was done he pulled out and John was turned on his side. She muttered about cleaning and then he could hear them beside him. Her fingers clawed at his head and the blindfold was pulled away.
He could only watch as she was pounded into by the man who John didn't know. When she started to shudder she grabbed his still hard dick and started pulling. He cried out through the gag as he stiffened.
~*~
John sat up with a gasp. His uniform was still on was his first thought and then he rolled enough to retch on the floor, not his bed. Wiping his mouth, John shuddered. Remembering hazy memories more clearly wasn't something he really needed.
Moving stiffly, John cleaned up and showered. He skipped the normal run with Ronon and knocked on McKay's door.
McKay answered rumbled and sleepy eyed. He squinted at John and then stepped aside. John stood nervously in the middle of McKay's room as McKay pulled on his boots.
"What it is? You're usually running with Conan right now, aren't you?"
John snapped his wristband. "You want to try being together?"
McKay blinked up at him. "You hit your head, didn't you?"
"No." John glared. "I'm not injured. I'm asking you of you want to, you know, be...whatever you want to call it."
Eyebrows raised, McKay gestured to his desk chair. "Sit down."
John sat and they stared at each other for a few moments. "I'm serious, Rodney."
"Got that, yes." McKay pulled the chair towards him by the armrest. John picked up his feet so it would roll easier. McKay looked him in the eye. "You want this?"
He shrugged, because he wasn't sure what the hell he wanted. "Worth a try."
McKay snorted. "You are so weird." He shoved John's chair back and stood up. "I'm hungry."
Happy because he knew what to do with a hungry McKay, John stood.
****
They watched the credits of the movie roll across the screen. John turned from the screen to McKay...Rodney, he could call him Rodney in his head. "Hey."
Rodney grinned at him, loose and happy. "Hi." With a click, Rodney turned the movie off. "Want to kiss?"
He grinned because Rodney was lots easier to figure out than any woman he'd been around. John nodded and they leaned into each other. It was...nice. He licked at Rodney's lips as they pulled back. He blinked. That had been fun.
Grabbing Rodney gently, John dove back in. They kissed slow and wet. John broke it off as Rodney's hands started to roam.
Rodney petted John's hair. "Want to try this naked?"
John bit his lip even as he nodded. He liked Rodney and Rodney was...Rodney. "Yeah." His voice was rough, and John pulled his shirt off.
He allowed Rodney to push them down onto the bed. He roamed his hands over Rodney's back as they kissed. Rodney broke off and mouthed John's neck as they rocked together. Rodney's hand was gentle as he gripped John's cock.
John stared up at the ceiling as Rodney pumped him slowly. He rubbed at Rodney's back and just panted.
Rodney pulled back from his neck. "God, this is so good."
It was like a switch flipped. John froze as his body tried to force him to run away. He didn't want to run away. Rodney was nice. Above him Rodney had gone still.
"John?"
With a shove, John was out from under Rodney and half on the floor, gasping and shaking. Rodney sat staring for a minute and then he was wrapping a blanket around John's shoulders. It smelled like Rodney. John pulled it tight around himself as Rodney sat down near him.
"You okay now?"
John bit his lip and shrugged. He reached for his clothes.
"What just happened, John?"
He froze with his shirt in his hand. "I...I can't."
Rodney moved closer and John watched him warily. "John. You were fine until I spoke. Now I think, since we're trying to be a couple here, that you at least attempt to explain why talking was bad." Rodney touched the side of his face and John held still for it. "Please, John. Just try."
"You won't understand. No one ever does." He let the blanket fall to his lap and around his back as he pulled on the shirt.
"Try anyway."
"She loved me." He forced himself to look at Rodney. "She just got rough sometimes. She wanted me to be a good boy." He rubbed his hair. "I tried really hard."
Rodney nodded. "I'm sure you tried, John. Who was she?"
"My mother." John watched as Rodney blinked. Then he flinched back as Rodney grabbed him into a hug. Rodney let go almost as soon as he started.
Pushing back, Rodney smiled at him. "Want to go to breakfast after I check on something in the lab?"
John wanted to ask why Rodney wasn't screaming like Nancy had done, but instead he just nodded and pulled on his pants.
****
Rodney wanted to throw up, but he was too mad. He stocked through the hallways until he saw Ronon. He grabbed a hold of Ronon's elbow and started pulling him along.
"What?" Ronon followed and didn't make Rodney had to fight him, which made him all the more angry.
He got them into the gym and thought the doors locked. Teyla looked up from where she was scretching in the corner. "I want to fight."
Ronon's eyebrows rose. "Why? You don't like to fight."
"I just want to fight."
Ronon glanced at Teyla and then nodded. "Okay."
Rodney didn't wait, because he knew Ronon was never off-guard really. He threw a punch. Then it was just movement and Ronon blocking him. It took a while but he finally wobbled. Ronon caught him and eased him down to the floor.
Teyla was there with a bottle of water. "Drink, Rodney."
Rodney drank and wiped his brow with the towel Ronon held out.
"What happened?" Ronon took the water bottle from him and finished it off.
"I messed up."
Ronon nodded. "So badly that Sheppard couldn't handle it?"
He shook his head. "He, ah, took it better than I did. I think." Rodney turned to Teyla. "What do you do when you find out the person you want to be with is..." He shuddered and leaned into Ronon's shoulder as Ronon pulled him in. "Just the thought of it is horrible and he was all...him about it." He flung a hand around to help him make his point. "I don't think he even grasps that he was a victim."
Teyla grabbed his hand. "Take a breathe, Rodney. In deeply...now out slowly."
Rodney obeyed and felt better after a few repetitions. Teyla pressed another water bottle into his hand.
"He trusted you enough to try, Rodney. Now you must trust him enough to allow him to tell you when to stop. Can you do that for him?"
He nodded because he could. It was John. He could be carefully patient for John.
"Good." Teyla stood. "We will go to breakfast and once you've changed you will join us. We will say nothing of this to John."
He nodded again as Ronon hauled him to his feet. John didn't need to know he'd gone a little crazy. Ronon clapped him on the shoulder.
"You fight better mad, McKay."
He would have laughed, but that'd just lead him to crying so he just smiled.
****
John let Rodney decide where he wanted to sit. Rodney even showing up at breakfast was amazing. Him still talking to John was just a bonus. John settled on the floor next to his bed and splayed his legs. "So."
Rodney pulled a pillow from the bed and settled on it a few feet from John's right foot. "So."
John leaned back into the side of his bed. "You want to ask questions, don't you?"
"No, but I'm going to anyway." Rodney tapped his fingers against his lip. "What words besides 'good' do I need to avoid?"
John closed his eyes. "Boy. Never... never call me Johnny." He opened his eyes and tipped his head forward. "Don't ask me to please you. Okay?"
Rodney nodded. "I can avoid all that." Nudging John's foot with his own, Rodney grinned at him. "We'll be okay."
John smiled. "Yeah."
"Positions you don't like?"
With a snort, John reached out and pulled Rodney towards himself. "We'll figure it out as we go."
"Sure." Rodney leaned into the kiss and then pulled away. "What about.."
John laughed as he captured Rodney's mouth and cut him off. They kissed and John got them moved to the bed eventually. He liked the little noises he could get Rodney to make. They broke apart enough to pull some of their clothes off and then Rodney was hovering over John.
"Alright?"
John nodded and pulled Rodney down onto himself. They groped and kissed for what seemed like forever to John. It kept getting better as Rodney didn't try to make them go faster. When he finally broke them apart, Rodney was glassy eyed and John decided he really liked that.
They tucked up together and Rodney mumbled something about not even getting their underwear off. John laughed and kissed the side of Rodney's neck.
****
~*~
He never fought anymore. He just lay still where she put him. The bindings were tight, cutting into his skin. He whimpered as she thrust fingers into him.
Then suddenly, John watched her fade away and the rose smell slid into the smell of dry markers, metal, and the ocean. He was wrapped in strong arms and the bindings dissappeard. John sighed as his body relaxed against the new man that held him gently.
There was a mutter and his hair was petted. John smiled and slid into sleep.
~*~
Rodney soothed John's hair back and muttered to him that he was safe. John's body uncurled and he relaxed with a sigh. A smile flitted across his face before it went sleep slack again.
Rodney snuggled tighter against John on his stupid little bed. Fighting with Ronon was going to be a routine thing for a while, he could tell. Rodney kissed John's temple and went back to sleep.
****