Phantom Heart
A/N: Different style. Thanks to Indi (yriafrepus) for your kind words and Raine (thewritingmuse) for the encouraging words.
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Maybe they were too perfect for each other, maybe they look too good together or perhaps they were too happy whenever they are in each other’s arms. Nobody really knew, nobody understood how on Earth they decided to call it off. To break up, to live in darkness filled with killing emotions, to live their life with ragged breathing and bleeding heart.
It wasn’t a harsh decision, if one would ask Jung Yonghwa or Seo Juhyun. But they don’t even know how they came up with that decision either, they too, were more than confused as to what had happened to their perfect relationship.
The pain was all too familiar, heart wrenching in indescribable squeezing, body trembling in too much coldness no one feels, memories punching in the deepest core of their soul. They forgot how it exactly feel, breaking up with the most precious thing in their lives, because their hearts were busy breaking into small pieces, they were too absorbed with its almost melodious sound captivating their ears.
It has been a year…no, probably two…or three. Their lives became a whirlwind, they became too focused on their own works. Busy with dreams they once promised they’ll achieved together, busy trying to be the best person anyone would be proud of, busy being the professional they really are.
Juhyun thought raindrops are fake because it would sound like a typhoon in her ears for a moment, angrily beating the innocent windowpane of her room, another moment later it would be too soft for her almost sounding melancholic. Yes, she was thinking too much because she didn’t like the idea of her drowning in lucid memories of him. She was freaking trying to forget, why rain always?
Yonghwa still thought rain is the best part of staying in the homey ambiance of his dark room, perfect for his composing mood as always. It had always helped him create imaginary scenes that sometimes relate to what used to be between him and her. As painful as it sounded, his heart couldn’t take it. He almost wanted to put his hands delicately on his piano, play something that would take his mind off anything. But it just reminded him that it was her most favorite instrument.
It was a Thursday, the day where they all gather for a dinner after a long time of not seeing each other because of different issues. A day where long time friends would reunite once again, friends who have been with each other for almost a lifetime, friends who never forget.
There were hugs, squealing, sincere smiles and almost tears when the time came for them to meet up. It was fantastic, Juhyun was grateful towards whoever thought of that idea because it felt good seeing her sisters and brothers all at the same time. She was almost tearing up, being one of the youngest in the group, she knew she almost couldn’t attend because of her duty as a graduating student. But she was glad to finally see her sisters who were once reigned as Korea’s Top Girl Group ‘Girls’ Generation’ with her. They were everywhere, they were in demand, they were the only group people wanted. It had been years since then, as her Sooyeon-unnie said, they slowly got their beautiful downfall, giving all their remaining lights to groups younger and talented than they. They were almost relieved about it, finally getting the rest they all deserved though no one denied that they were sad about it. It felt like a part of them was missing, they were doing all these endless singing and dancing for years and they knew it was hard to just turn their back on something they loved to do.
“How are you?” Taeyeon was still shining brightly with her baby face features. After the decision, she decided to fly abroad, contented herself with the beauty of being free and liberated. She was one who always want something strong and revealing, she never gotten any freedom to do whatever she wanted with them. Not that she cared, anyway.
“Life has been pretty good” Miyoung replied, still breaking her eyes with bright smiles.
Though they were still one with the perfect bond they created, they all knew that they were different people with different wants and needs. Some finished studying (Juhyun, Yoona and Yuri), some finally were able to concentrate on what they really wanted to do (Hyoyeon and Sooyoung) and some decided to find themselves in another country (Taeyeon, Sooyeon, Sunkyu and Miyoung). Their hearts were terribly in need of something refreshing, an air that they could breathe without any hesitation.
“Perfect, then. How about you, Jonghyun?” Juhyun quietly watched as one of her few guy friends crossed his thick eyebrows in deliberation of saying something that would be too safe for him. She smiled in her mind, knowing too well that he prefer listening to stories than being the storyteller himself. Despite the growing fame (she heard they’re promoting their last album these days) his band had been receiving much love in Asia and some parts of America, he was still the same down-to-earth guitarist who prefers spending his free time with food and practicing.
“Almost finishing up our tour” He side glanced at Jungshin who was busy admiring Hyoyeon who was sitting in front of him. She was glad that they started going out, few months after their group decided to lie low. “We are-“
“Darn, the traffic and rain! I’m late!” The muscular and almost husky voice was too familiar for her ears. It was familiar that she froze on her seat as everyone stood and gathered around him. She could only hear her heart beating too fast despite the loudness her friends created. She felt dizzy that she had to grip on the side of her chair to gain balance. She was slowly becoming a mess.
“Juhyun-ah! Aren’t you going to greet Yonghwa here?” It was Hyoyeon who nonchalantly invited her. She knew it wasn’t anything big, it had been years after all. She had moved on, well, she tried. And she prepared herself for this, she just didn’t exactly know where her strength went when she heard his voice.
She gulped and tried her best to smile, the kind where her sisters knew she was faking but others would think she was fine. She purposely ignored the confusion on her sisters’ faces, aimed her eyes on the wickedly handsome guy standing few meters away from her. She felt like running or maybe she wanted to just vanish so she couldn’t look at how gorgeous he still was.
“Hey” She hoped her voice didn’t come up too high or even cracked.
He smiled at her, Jung Yonghwa smiled at her just like the old times. His crooked teeth and his witty one sided dimple were hammering her heart into worn-out pieces once again. “Juhyun-ie!” ‘No, please don’t call me that’ she thought, begging him to stop doing all the things he used to do. Because she still didn’t know why they felt like strangers now. She was still confused as to why they didn’t arrive together, why they weren’t kissing their hearts out, why their hearts were broken.
“O-oppa” She was dead. She knew she stuttered. And she never stuttered since…she didn’t even know when was the last time she did. “How are you?” It was too high this time. She couldn’t look up at his face, she was making the mood awkward and she was just sorry.
“Oh, you really, our Seo Juhyun” Sooyoung casually put her arms on her shoulder and led her back to their table. The others followed, trying their best to ignore the timid ambiance. They sat back to their respective seats, Minhyuk pointing the only empty chair beside him and in front of her. Everyone stared at each other for a minute, waiting for the ex-lovers to feel comfortable on their seats.
Thanks to her sisters, the liveliness and laughter were back during the main course. The teasing was familiar and endless, she always thought her sisters live up for it, they were always teasing each other that nobody noticed it was too much anymore. She smiled, sometimes laughing heartily with all their antics they’ve done during the long period of living apart. She was confident that they were all going to live their fullest with their great mindset and vivid dreams.
But little did she know, they were all concerned about her. They broke up few weeks before the decision was made, she was preoccupied with her heart that she almost couldn’t make it to their last press conference alive. They cried together in the first few days, trying to be strong for their youngest. But they knew, they knew that she had to cope up with hell alone. They saw how exactly she had to try to bury herself on her bed, hating herself for waking up with another long and painful day. They were the only ones who knew how bad she got it with their silly decision.
“Juhyun-ah, I heard you’re receiving a special award on your graduation” Yuri said, noticing that she was too quiet tonight. She meticulously shook her wine glass, appearing like a wine lover with the gesture. Her eyes staring at her, asking to be cool about what was happening tonight.
She smiled sincerely and nodded, “Fortunately, I guess. They’ll be giving me a scholarship to another degree in their sister university in New York for attaining one of the highest scores on an important examination” She was happy about it, she was grateful that her university was generous enough to present her such gift. It had been her dream to study abroad and she was absolutely taking it.
They exclaimed, extending their greeting with a tight hug and a pat on the shoulder. “Of course, that’s our Seo Juhyun!” Sooyoung asked for a toast, everyone got their wine glass and raised it on the air. She was about to follow when she noticed that Yonghwa wasn’t moving, his eyes weren’t visible due to his fringes covering it. She abruptly felt an invisible lump in her throat, her eyes doing its best to show her emotions. With that look, she knew it took him by surprise.
Did she hurt him?
Nobody noticed the sudden change in him, they were all too busy catching up with old stories from their colorful pasts. She was the only one who was troubled, confused and nervous. She kept on tucking her hair behind her ears, she knew she couldn’t stop it. She was helpless, she wanted to yell at her sisters to give him attention. To make him leave because she couldn’t bear seeing him like that, she didn’t want him showing his heart to her.
“Jung Yonghwa!” Miyoung called in the same way she always does whenever they met up in the backstage of events.
Gone was the hurt Yonghwa, he looked at her sister with enthusiasm. How did he become such a good actor?
She looked at her sister, ‘Crap. She was drunk’. Miyoung was the only one who ordered a strong alcoholic drink, confident that she wouldn’t get drunk right away. Juhyun noticed how she was smiling too big already, she couldn’t stay still and she had something in her mind. “Did you all know that when Juhyun and Yonghwa got together?” She widened her eyes in horror, she was spilling something about their past. She looked at Sunkyu who was beside her to help her stop. “…I think it was in December? On our MBC Gayo performance? That! Yeah, that!” The guys were too absorbed to even notice that she didn’t like any of what was happening. “That was when our Juhyun-ie decided to accept your Yonghwa-hyung as her first boyfriend. She was really, really, really happy while she was telling us how she finally said yes to him. Yah, Jung Yonghwa, we never seen her crying in so much happiness just because you became her first boyfriend!” It was suffocating her, the feeling of flying back to that unforgettable winter night, was playing in her mind like a nail hammering, it was painful, and the sound it was making was enough to break her down again.
She was hyperventilating, she stared at her, listening to more memories she was blabbing. She didn’t understand why nobody was stopping her. Was it fun for them to see her taking all these jokes too bad? Can’t they see she couldn’t breathe anymore?
“And also Yonghwa-hyung, Miyoung-noona! I don’t know if you already know but I saw him cry in his room during their first argument. I heard it was about a misunderstanding in her part. Juhyun thought he was out in a party for Hongki-hyung even though she said to just rest. But really, Juhyun, you know Hongki-hyung, he was unstoppable-“ ‘And so you are’ she bitterly replied in her mind. “-I heard him arguing with you on the phone then after I just heard him sobbing” She didn’t know about that. It was all too fast for her, he cried when they argued about attending Hongki’s party? She remembered him telling her that he had to attend that party because Hongki might do something when he’s drunk and he was the only who can control him but she just told him that his members were there to watch over him. Then she heard from their manager that he still attended. She cried that night too, not believing that they talked in a loud voice and that she hung up on him.
She closed her eyes, digesting all the new discoveries about him. ‘What had happened to us?’ she wanted to ask him. To force him to answer why they decided to break up. Why they decided to kill each other with such decision, unanswered questions were driving her insane.
“I-I’m…” All eyes were on her even his and she almost lose herself once again. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “I’ll go outside for a while, can I?” She knew she didn’t need permission but she was too respectful to ignore them.
“Sure” Taeyeon nodded, as if she was still the leader, understanding what she wanted.
“Thanks” She murmured, grabbing her bag on her back hastily and almost ran for her life. Being with them was suffocating, she didn’t want to hear anymore about their past. It was already November, the nights were turning colder with each passing days and she forgot to grab her coat from the maître d'. She literally trembled as she met up with the harsh cold fall wind, she walked to the restaurant’s garden.
“Juhyun” Of course, she knew he would follow. She knew they have to talk tonight. “Your coat” he kindly helped her put on her coat, just like he always did whenever they go out to shop. She didn’t quite understand why she still let him do the buttons, maybe she was too used with their routine because since then she never buttoned up her coats anymore.
She gulped as she looked up from her coat, seeing his beautiful face closely once again. She couldn’t help herself to run a slow pace of looking at each part of him. She almost wanted to run a hand on his tired face, wishing she could say to take care of himself while they’re finishing up their tour. Looking at him, she suddenly forgot how hurt she was feeling, how she could feel her heart cracking in each breath she took. It felt like she wasn’t heartbroken at all.
“Juhyun” He effectively brought her back to reality with his piercing eyes through her scared ones. “You’re leaving?” His voice was almost vague for her, it was too soft, almost as if he didn’t want to let her hear him.
“Yes”
“When?”
“Right after graduation, I guess”
“Your sisters know?”
“No one knows” She knew she was being disrespectful towards her parents and sisters but she had to decide alone at that time. She didn’t need any opinions about it. She was planning to just send them letters explaining why she had to do it. But now, he ruined her perfect plan once again.
They were quiet, lost in their own thoughts but never thought it was uncomfortable to be in each other’s presence. They were seated at the bench, too close for their own sakes. They both know it felt good with their arms touching, their thighs almost brushing against each other. They never had a problem with close proximity.
They just broke up. It doesn’t mean they have to ignore the tangible emotions swimming around them.
“Why did we break up?” She was always the first one to ask such questions between them. Because no matter what, he would still be cautious with his thoughts, he respected her like that.
There was no response. She knew he was still trying to find answer for that one question because he always has something answer. Serious or not, he always reply. They didn’t know that they were watching the same couple on the other side of the road, acting too sweet with each other. They wanted to find an answer through them. They were in love (too much, to be honest), they respected each other, they knew each other, the timing was still okay (yes, they were secretly dating), everything was in its proper place.
What was wrong that they have to do that?
She was surprised when he held her hand, the electricity was still alive, burning all the sadness floating inside her. Their hands were the most beautiful in their relationship, it was the proof that they were perfect for each other. Their intertwined fingers gave a vibe of perfection for her. And she still loved the idea of holding his hand forever.
“Maybe it’s to prepare us for a longer future together” She waited for the punch line but none came. He was serious, damn serious about what he said. So she tried her best to understand, maybe he was right. She always believed he was right about almost everything because he was more experienced than her. He knew a lot of things than her. The trust she had for him was unbelievable.
They both knew he was right. They separated for three years, finding themselves despite heartaches and loneliness.
With clasped hands, they knew they learned something worth their lives.