Where have you been all my life? (Right next to you)
Title: Where Have You Been All My Life? (Right Next to You)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: girl!Kai/girl!Sehun
Genre: Romance, slice-of-life
Word count: 4799
Summary: Sehun and Jongin have always been inseparable, going through the ups and downs of life together. When someone threatens to break their bond, will Sehun finally realise that Jongin might be more than a friend? (written for girlexochange)
It was Sehun's first day of school. She was nervously clinging to her mother’s skirt, hiding behind her. "But what if I don't make any friends" she had asked her mum just 5 minutes earlier in the car.
"Sehun, you are a lovely girl. I'm sure people will be fighting over who gets to be your first friend." Her mother tried to reassure her.
Sehun peeks around her mother's legs, giving the kindergarten classroom a once over, hearing the sounds of laughter, screaming and crying all at once in the small room. As Sehun looks around the room, her eyes stop on a small figure in the middle of the play mat, spotting a small girl with hair that reminded Sehun of her favourite chocolate milk. The girl was also clinging onto a fluffy brown stuffed toy.
Like a moth to a flame, Sehun waddles over to the girl instantly. "What's wrong?" She asks as she crouches down to try and look at the other girls face.
"My mum left me already," The girl says between sobs. "What if she never comes back?"
"My mum said that all the mummies come back at 3." Sehun says confidently.
"Are you sure? What if I never see her again?" The girl looks up at Sehun with tears clinging to her eyelashes.
"Well, if your mum doesn't come back, you can live with me." Sehun sit herself down next to the girl. "What's your name?"
"Jongin," she sniffs "and this is Monggu." Jongin holds out the stuffed toy dog she had been holding.
"I'm Sehun." She beams as she takes Jongin's hand. She didn't even notice her mother had already left.
♥♥♥
At age 10, they are inseparable.
Sehun and Jongin would go to the park nearly every day after school, looking for tadpoles in the pond. Sehun would chase Jongin around, scaring her with bugs just to watch Jongin's usually sleepy face turn into one of pure horror.
Today was like any other day. Sehun has scrapes down her arms and a Band-Aid on her knee from when she fell over on the basketball court earlier that week. She wore her usual shorts, t-shirt and baseball cap. They were by the pond again, looking for new tadpoles after the ones Jongin was raising died - R.I.P Taddy and Toady. She looks over at Jongin who was crouching down next to the water’s edge. She was dressed almost identically to Sehun. From this angle she could see the freckles dusting Jongin's sun-kissed face. Jongin was sulking, half-heartedly poking around the water with a stick.
"I don't know why my mum is making me take ballet. I hate wearing dresses and the tights look uncomfortable." Jongin lets out a long sigh.
"Why does she want you to take up ballet anyway?" Sehun scoots closer to Jongin, almost slipping a foot into the water.
"She said I don't act like a young lady," Jongin wipes her nose with the hem of her t-shirt, "so she asked Naeun's mum about the ballet classes she has been taking."
"Well, Naeun is really girly." Sehun ponders.
"I don't want to be a young lady!" Jongin's pouts cutely.
Sehun doesn’t like seeing the usually bright and happy Jongin like this. "Why don't I join too then?" She blurts out before she can stop herself. Crap. Now Sehun would have to wear the uncomfortable tights and tutus too.
Jongin looks up from the water, her eyes hopeful. "You would do that for me?"
"Of course! Because we will be together forever, right?" Sehun holds out her little finger.
"Forever." Jongin smiles, linking Sehun's pinkie in a promise.
Maybe, Sehun thinks as she watches Jongin's eyes disappear as she smiles, the tutus and tights will be worth it.
♥♥♥
To everyone’s surprise, Jongin and Sehun loved dancing, so much so they even started taking jazz lessons alongside ballet. While Jongin's technique and style were more suited to ballet, Sehun excelled in the more free formed jazz.
At age 12, Jongin is given the lead role in their end of year ballet recital, Romeo and Juliet. Sehun is thrilled, congratulating her best friend wholeheartedly.
That is until she realises that Jongin being Juliet means she will need a Romeo.
Lee Taemin was that Romeo. Taemin had been making eyes at Jongin ever since she and Sehun joined the academy two years ago. Jongin was oblivious of course, focusing on her dancing instead, but Sehun wasn't so oblivious. She noticed how Taemin would take time to help Jongin with her turns, or offer her a hand when she fell before Sehun had the chance to.
All Sehun could do was stare daggers at them from across the room as they practiced together.
"Are you upset?" Jongin asks when they are walking to the bus stop after practice.
Sehun looks up, shocked at Jongin's sudden question. "What makes you think that?"
"You were sulking, I could see you from across the room. Are you upset you didn't get a better part in the recital?" Jongin sounds genuinely concerned, almost guilty.
"No of course not!" Sehun grabs Jongin's arm in protest. "I was just thinking about how you will be busy now that you are the star of the recital." Technically Sehun wasn't lying, but how could she tell her best friend 'I'm jealous of that stupid boy who gets to dance with you and spend all lesson with you. You're my best friend'?
Jongin smiles, as if she knows something Sehun didn't. "Don't worry. We still have jazz classes and school."
"You're right. I'm just being silly." Sehun tries her best to return Jongin's smile.
Jongin's hand brushes Sehun's as they walk. "I wish you were Romeo instead." she says in a whisper, quiet enough that Sehun thinks she wasn't meant to hear it.
Sehun smiles to herself and grabs Jongin's hand, swinging it as they walked. Maybe she didn't have anything to worry about after all.
♥♥♥
Sehun is 15 when she has her first kiss.
She is sitting on the balcony of her apartment with Jongin, the cold city air blowing her long hair off her face. They are sitting on a swinging loveseat, Sehun with her knees to her chest and a sour expression on her face.
"Why haven't we had our first kisses yet? I feel like we are so behind on everything." Sehun sighs as she looks out to the city lights, the closest thing she has to stars in the light polluted city.
"Why does it matter?" Jongin laughs, poking Sehun's side.
Sehun yelps and glares at Jongin next to her. "Aren't you embarrassed? Everyone we know has had a boyfriend or has at least kissed a guy. What have we done? We haven't even held hands with a guy. I don't want to be left behind."
"There is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer." Jongin mumbles, playing with the ends of her hair. She still has the same bobbed hair cut that she's had since they were children.
"Of course there is! I want to be an average bloomer, not a late one. I'm sick of hearing Eunji and Naeun giggling about their boyfriends and their double dates. When will we go on a double date? My mum is always saying 'maybe if you were more lady like you would get the attention of boys. You have a very pretty face Sehun' in that annoying patronising tone of hers. You know the one, the same one she uses when I buy a new snapback or get mud on my jeans. Maybe we can sneak into one of your sister’s rooms and steal their makeup. If we plan it just right we can take some before they get hom-" Sehun's rambling is cut off by the feeling of something soft and warm on her lips.
"There," Jongin says matter-of-factly, "now we have both had our first kiss. Can we go inside now? I'm cold."
Jongin gets up off the loveseat and slips back inside the apartment as Sehun takes a few moments to register what just happened.
Jongin just kissed her.
Jongin, her best friend from as far as she can remember.
Jongin just kissed her.
Sehun reaches her fingers up to touch her lips, still feeling the warmth of Jongin's there. She scrambles off her seat and trips her way inside the apartment. "What's up with you? Why is your face so red?" Sehun's older brother asks.
Sehun just cups her cheeks and runs after Jongin and into her bedroom.
♥♥♥
At 16, Sehun has her first identity crisis.
High school was a whole different ball game to middle school. Rumours were the life line of every student and gossip just made them worse. Both Sehun and Jongin were not safe from this malicious pass time, as all sorts of rumours began about the two.
Jongin was a slut because her skirt was too short and her shirt was too tight. Sehun was a bitch because she never smiled or talked to anyone who wasn't Jongin. None of these rumours really bothered either of them because they knew they weren't true. Jongin's uniform didn't fit right because it was her sister's, Jongin being taller than both of them, with bigger breasts too. Sehun wasn't a bitch, she was just shy around new people, rarely smiling unless she got to know someone - mostly due to the fact that she didn't want her retainer showing.
There was one rumour however, that really made Sehun mad.
"Did you hear about Sehun and Jongin?" She heard two girls whispering in the bathroom while she was in a cubical. "Apparently they are together. Like, together together. Like, lesbians." The girl whispered the last part.
"That would explain a lot." The other girl said, "I mean, have you ever seen them with a guy? And they are always together - I don't think I have ever seen one without the other - and holding hands. They do way too much skinship to just be friends, they totally have to be lesbians."
Sehun felt a hot flash of rage wash over her as she slammed the cubical door open, startling the two girls. She recognised them as Jinri and Soojung from her algebra class. Sehun held her head up high as she quietly washed her hands and exited the bathroom, leaving an embarrassed looking Jinri and Soojung behind.
She didn't know why this was bothering her so much, none of the other rumours did. Was it because she wasn't sure it was false? Was it because she could have feelings for- 'Don't be stupid Sehun,’ she thought to herself, ‘she is your best friend and you like boys.’
She likes boys.
Not Jongin.
Right?
♥♥♥
At 17, Sehun gets her first boyfriend.
His name is Minseok, an older boy with soft hair and sharp eyes. Sehun had bumped into him on the way to class, not giving him a second glance as she muttered an apology. After that, she seemed to notice him around more, near her locker, out on the soccer field during gym, looking at her from his lunch table.
One day he had come and sat down at her and Jongin's usual lunch table and told Sehun she was pretty. Jongin choked on her water.
When he asked her out, she heard Soojung's voice in her head - "They totally have to be lesbians" - so she said yes.
Nothing much changed while she was dating Minseok. He sat at her and Jongin's table at lunch, his friend Luhan sometimes joining them and making googly eyes at Jongin, much to Jongin's dismay. Sehun spent just as much time with Jongin as she did before, only now she just brought Minseok along.
Sehun had asked Jongin what she thought of Minseok. "He's nice." She had said, "He kind of reminds me of a marshmallow." Sehun didn't know what response she wanted from Jongin. She had maybe expected Jongin to tell her she hated Minseok, that he didn't deserve her and that she belonged to Jongin, that she was jealous.
(What Sehun didn't see was the way Jongin's face fell every time she saw her and Minseok together)
Kissing Minseok was a totally new experience. She would be lying if she said her and Jongin had never experimented - "Practice," Jongin had said, "for when we get real boyfriends.
Sehun thought back to those times when she and Jongin were alone in her bedroom - the feeling of her soft lips, the warmth of her skin, the little sounds she made.
Kissing Minseok was easier when she thought of Jongin.
♥♥♥
At 17 and a half, Sehun has her first break up.
Minseok called her down to the park near her apartment, the one she used to play in as a child. She arrives and finds Minseok sitting on a bench, playing with his phone. When he looks up at Sehun he smiles, but it wasn't his usual smile, the one where his eyes disappear into crescent moons. This smile didn't reach his eyes.
Minseok pats the spot beside him on the bench, inviting Sehun to sit next to him. "Sehun-ah," he takes Sehun's hand, "I have to ask you something." Sehun just swallows nervously and nods.
"Do you like me? I mean, really, really like me?" Minseok looks Sehun in the eyes, hand still in hers, prompting her to respond.
Sehun looks down at her hand in Minseok's, his slightly bigger hand wrapped around hers, then looks back up at Minseok's face. She can't decipher his expression and her own eyebrows knit together in confusion.
She likes a lot of things about Minseok. She likes his cute eyes and monolids, she likes that he doesn't talk much (which allows her talk his ear off), she likes that he doesn't make fun of her laugh, but most importantly she likes the fact that he never complains to her when they are together with Jongin. She likes that understanding side of him the most.
But does she like Minseok?
She is about to speak when Minseok kisses her cheek. "I thought so." He lets go of her hand and smiles, that same smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "It's ok Sehun-ah, I don't want to make you stay with me because you feel obligated to. We can still be friends, ok?"
Sehun just nods, too embarrassed to look up at Minseok's face.
Minseok is about to walk away, but turns around. "You spend a lot of time with Jongin you know." Sehun can feel her face turn red hot. Minseok lets out a soft, genuine laugh before patting Sehun on the head. "You'll figure it out."
As she watches Minseok walk away she feels a mixture of confusion and relief.
♥♥♥
At 21, Sehun has her second identity crisis.
Sehun is sitting on the bed in Jongin's college dorm room, complaining that the science and medicine buildings were too far away from her design buildings. "Why did you have to pick veterinary science as your major?" Sehun huffs. "I mean look at poor Monggu," Sehun hold out Jongin's most prized possession, her stuffed dog Monggu, "how are you going to help poor defenceless animals if you can't look after your stuffed one!" She shakes Monggu around, with its now stitched up ear, missing patches of fur and missing eye.
"Hey stop that! He is fragile!" Jongin yells before snatching Monggu away. "Well why did you have to choose fashion design as yours? Wearing snapbacks and pants that are too short doesn't make you a fashion icon." Jongin is looking in the mirror, trying to curl the ends of her bobbed hair just right, a roller still in her fringe.
"Says the one who never wears socks. The world needs someone to help them onto the path to fashion salvation. By the way are you really going to wear those shoes?" Sehun points accusingly at Jongin's feet.
Jongin just throws a ball of socks at Sehun's head. "Why are you here anyway? Don't you have a lecture in half an hour?"
"I needed to escape my roommate for a while. Zitao is talking to her parents on skype and you know how loud she can get." Sehun plays with the ends of her once platinum blonde hair, now stained various colours of the rainbow - "Never let design majors experiment on your hair." She had told Jongin - "Don't you have class soon too?"
"No, I have volunteering remember? I promised Junmyeon oppa I would help him sort out the details for the Open Day next week."
"Junmyeon oppa." Sehun makes gagging sounds.
"Shut up, he is nice. Plus this volunteering will look good on my resume." Jongin sticks her tongue out at Sehun before applying her lipstick.
"Wait," Sehun shoots up from her slouched position, "since when do you call Junmyeon 'oppa' and not 'sunbae'? I thought we both agreed that he was lame and his new dye job was horrible."
Jongin snorts "That's a bit much coming from someone who looks like they were attacked by a box of crayons."
"Jongin, he likes manga and anime, he has to be weird." Sehun shakes her head.
"Sehun, we like manga and anime too."
"Yeah, but I bet he watches that weird perverted stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if he is into tentacles." Sehun wriggles her fingers at Jongin.
Jongin keeps a straight face. "Sehun, you watch that stuff too. Just last week I caught you watching 'To Love-Ru' on my laptop."
"That's not the point!" Sehun throws her arms in the air for emphasis.
"Then what is your point? He isn't so bad once you get to know him."
Sehun notices the slight blush on Jongin's cheeks, visible even through her makeup. She stares at Jongin as if she has grown a new head, completely dumbfounded by this new information. The blush, the mumbling of her words, the use of 'oppa', Sehun has seen this all before from Jongin. Jongin likes Junmyeon.
"You like Junmyeon?" Sehun almost screeches, accidentally saying her thoughts out loud.
Jongin whips around so fast Sehun is amazed her head didn't spin off her neck. "What! No-I-no it's not-I'm going to be late bye!" Jongin fumbles for her keys and leaves the dorm room, yelling a 'lock up for me' over her shoulder before practically running down the hall, leaving Sehun staring at the open door.
Sehun lays down on Jongin's bed, hugging Monggu to her chest. It had been a while since Jongin had liked someone. The last time Sehun had felt this weird feeling, the one that made her stomach feel like it was full of rocks, was when that weird tall guy with the big eyes and creepy smile had tried to get Jongin to go on a date with him.
Sehun was confused about her feelings then and is confused about them now. Why did it bother her that Jongin had a crush on some guy? She pulled at her hair and thrashed her legs around on the bed, trying to will these feelings away. She checked the clock on Jongin's bedside table and realised she was going to be late for her lecture.
As Sehun walked to the lecture hall, all she could think about was Jongin, probably sitting with Junmyeon right now, laughing her adorable shy laugh at him. Sehun kicked at the path in frustration, not completely sure what she was frustrated about. She would be lying if she said she never thought about Jongin in a less than platonic way, but she had always pushed those feelings down, content with having Jongin beside her as a best friend. When they had entered college together, Sehun thought the strange things she felt for Jongin would pass, that she would meet new people and expand her network.
Sehun is meant to be listening to her lecturer talk about the absorbency of cotton but all she could think was 'Jongin, Jongin, Jongin'. She thinks back to the times when her and Jongin were 8 and Jongin would blow on Sehun's knee when she fell over, telling Sehun she would be ok. She thinks back to the times when her and Jongin were 13 and would gossip about the boys in their dance classes, giggling about how gross they were. She thinks back to the times when Jongin would say "I couldn't live without you" and Sehun's heart would beat 5 times faster and she felt like she was floating. She thinks about how Jongin has always been hers and no one else's.
"Fuck". Sehun exclaims a little too loudly.
The whole lecture hall turns to look at her, her lecturer saying "Well Sehun, I didn't know you had such a strong opinions on cotton", clearly not impressed.
Sehun sank down in her seat as the lecture continued. 'Fuck,' she exclaimed internally this time, 'I'm in love with Jongin.' This isn't going to end well.
♥♥♥
Two weeks later and Sehun has done her best to avoid Jongin, only giving short replies to her texts or telling her she is busy studying.
She hears her phone vibrate next to her on her bed, where she is busy wallowing in self hate, and sees a text message from Jongin.
Jongin: my roommate is away for the weekend so ur coming to sleep over. dont tell me ur studying coz we both know thats bullshit. u never study.
Sehun just groans and rolls over, hoping she could suffocate herself with a pillow.
That Saturday night Sehun shows up at Jongin's dorm with a backpack and a plastic bag full of snacks.
"I was going to be mad at you for avoiding me these past two weeks, but you brought chocolate milk so I guess you're forgiven." Jongin says and she reaches for the plastic bad in Sehun's hand.
Sehun feels herself relax, letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding. The rest of the night went as most of their nights in did. They caught up on their favourite drama of the moment - "How can Kangwoo not be real?" Sehun had wailed during 'It's ok, It's Love' - watched the latest Marvel action movie, and ate enough junk to feed a small country.
Everything is going great. That was until Jongin says "Wow I am really tired lets get changed and get into bed."
That's right, since Sehun is staying over at Jongin's dorm room she has to sleep there. With Jongin. Together. Alone. In bed.
Shit.
A flash of tan skin breaks Sehun away from her internal monologue of panic. "Woah, what are you doing?" She says, a few octaves higher than usual.
"I'm putting on my pyjamas what does it look like." Jongin gives Sehun a confused look, t-shirt halfway on.
Sehun watches as the loose t-shirt slides down Jongin's body and oh, were her thighs always this nice. Jongin raises her eyebrows in Sehun's direction, causing the latter to blush and mutter something about brushing her teeth.
When Sehun returns, Jongin is already lying in bed, causing Sehun to take a sharp intake of breath. Jongin's short hair was already messy from tossing around, trying to find a comfortable position, her t-shirt riding up her body and over her stomach, her underwear now showing. Sehun tries to shake any unholy thoughts from her brain. This was her best friend, she isn't meant to think about how smooth the skin of her stomach looks, or how nice her hips look in that underwear, or how - 'Jesus fucking Christ Sehun, stop!' She thinks to herself.
"Hurry up Sehun, I'm cold." Jongin pats the spot next to her in bed, the sheets pulled back so Sehun could slip in.
Sehun tries her best to act natural, but even if she can't see it, she knows her smile looks forced. As she slips under the sheets, she feels the skin of her thigh brush against Jongin's, setting off instant alarm bells. She does her best to discreetly scoot over until they are no longer touching, peeking over to see if Jongin has noticed. Much to her relief, Jongin's eyes are already fluttering shut. Bless Jongin and her weakness to sleep.
Just as Sehun relaxes, letting out the tension from her body, she hears a loud crash outside. Instantly she feels the warmth of another body pressed against hers.
"What the fuck was that." Jongin practically screeches, pressing herself closer to Sehun.
Sehun's whole body goes rigid. Of course there would be loud things going bump in the night. And of course she was in bed with Jongin, who is terrified of loud noises. Of course.
Sehun tries to shuffle closer to the edge of the bed. "It's fine Jongin, it's probably just the trash guy-" She is cut off by another loud bang, which has Jongin practically scrambling on top of Sehun. Sehun tries her best to roll over, trying to get Jongin off her. They were way too close for comfort right now, especially when Sehun could feel Jongin's breasts press into her arm.
Suddenly Sehun feels herself falling, hitting the ground with a loud thud. She stares up at the ceiling, trying to figure out where she went so wrong in life. Jongin's face comes into focus above her, a deep frown on her face. "Ok Oh Sehun. What the hell is your problem? I was going to let two weeks of avoiding me slide, but now you are just acting ridiculous. Did I suddenly develop a horrible body odour that I'm not aware of?"
As Sehun stares up at Jongin, all she can think is 'God, she is beautiful.' So she takes a deep breath and sits up, turning her body so she is facing Jongin who is still on the bed.
"Ok," Sehun starts, "I have something to tell you but you can't interrupt me." Jongin just nods, so Sehun continues. "I have just been thinking. A lot. About us and our friendship, about what you feel for me and what I feel for you. I mean, we love each other right? But what if I told you I love love you. More than a friend."
"Sehun-" Jongin tries to interject.
"No don't interrupt me or I won't be able to finish." Sehun takes a shaky breath. "What if I told you that I was blind all these years, or that I drowned out that little voice that told me that I liked you more than a friend? That I was scared of these weird feelings I was having for my best friend? When you blushed and stuttered about Junmyeon, I don't know why, but I felt like you were being ripped out of my arms, which is stupid right? Because you aren't mine, you aren't mine to possess. But what does this all matter? You like Junmyeon, with his stupidly nice smile and shitty dye job and-" Sehun is cut off by soft lips on hers, plunging her into a sense of Deja Vu.
"Please shut up Sehun." Jongin whispers after she pulls away.
Sehun sits there, too stunned to move. "I-what-I don't understand." She feels like the room is spinning. She feels 15 again, experiencing her first kiss.
"I don't like Junmyeon. The reason I was so embarrassed when you thought I liked him was because I remembered seeing him with this tall guy with angry eyebrows, they were holding hands." Jongin says sheepishly.
"That doesn't mean-"
"Then the tall guy pinched Junmyeon's ass. And then they started making out thinking no one could see them."
"Oh." Sehun feels herself being pulled back up onto the mattress. This time when Jongin pulls Sehun into her arms she doesn't resist.
"I still don't understand why you kissed me." Sehun can feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, feeling both confused and silly.
"Because, believe it or not, I love you too Sehun. I've felt the same way all these years, and I was just as scared as you were." Jongin tilts Sehun's head up so that they are eye to eye. "We are both pretty fucking stupid huh?"
Sehun feels herself laugh a little. Only Jongin could make her laugh in a situation like this. "I don't want things to change." Sehun whispers, almost too scared to talk and break the moment.
"Change isn't always bad." Jongin smiles softly at Sehun, linking their hands together under the sheets of her bed. "We can take things slow. We can deal with everything in the morning."
Sehun rests her head against Jongin's chest and closes her eyes. Maybe Jongin was right.
♥♥♥
At age 21, Sehun is in love with her best friend, and she couldn't be happier.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: girl!Kai/girl!Sehun
Genre: Romance, slice-of-life
Word count: 4799
Summary: Sehun and Jongin have always been inseparable, going through the ups and downs of life together. When someone threatens to break their bond, will Sehun finally realise that Jongin might be more than a friend? (written for girlexochange)
It was Sehun's first day of school. She was nervously clinging to her mother’s skirt, hiding behind her. "But what if I don't make any friends" she had asked her mum just 5 minutes earlier in the car.
"Sehun, you are a lovely girl. I'm sure people will be fighting over who gets to be your first friend." Her mother tried to reassure her.
Sehun peeks around her mother's legs, giving the kindergarten classroom a once over, hearing the sounds of laughter, screaming and crying all at once in the small room. As Sehun looks around the room, her eyes stop on a small figure in the middle of the play mat, spotting a small girl with hair that reminded Sehun of her favourite chocolate milk. The girl was also clinging onto a fluffy brown stuffed toy.
Like a moth to a flame, Sehun waddles over to the girl instantly. "What's wrong?" She asks as she crouches down to try and look at the other girls face.
"My mum left me already," The girl says between sobs. "What if she never comes back?"
"My mum said that all the mummies come back at 3." Sehun says confidently.
"Are you sure? What if I never see her again?" The girl looks up at Sehun with tears clinging to her eyelashes.
"Well, if your mum doesn't come back, you can live with me." Sehun sit herself down next to the girl. "What's your name?"
"Jongin," she sniffs "and this is Monggu." Jongin holds out the stuffed toy dog she had been holding.
"I'm Sehun." She beams as she takes Jongin's hand. She didn't even notice her mother had already left.
♥♥♥
At age 10, they are inseparable.
Sehun and Jongin would go to the park nearly every day after school, looking for tadpoles in the pond. Sehun would chase Jongin around, scaring her with bugs just to watch Jongin's usually sleepy face turn into one of pure horror.
Today was like any other day. Sehun has scrapes down her arms and a Band-Aid on her knee from when she fell over on the basketball court earlier that week. She wore her usual shorts, t-shirt and baseball cap. They were by the pond again, looking for new tadpoles after the ones Jongin was raising died - R.I.P Taddy and Toady. She looks over at Jongin who was crouching down next to the water’s edge. She was dressed almost identically to Sehun. From this angle she could see the freckles dusting Jongin's sun-kissed face. Jongin was sulking, half-heartedly poking around the water with a stick.
"I don't know why my mum is making me take ballet. I hate wearing dresses and the tights look uncomfortable." Jongin lets out a long sigh.
"Why does she want you to take up ballet anyway?" Sehun scoots closer to Jongin, almost slipping a foot into the water.
"She said I don't act like a young lady," Jongin wipes her nose with the hem of her t-shirt, "so she asked Naeun's mum about the ballet classes she has been taking."
"Well, Naeun is really girly." Sehun ponders.
"I don't want to be a young lady!" Jongin's pouts cutely.
Sehun doesn’t like seeing the usually bright and happy Jongin like this. "Why don't I join too then?" She blurts out before she can stop herself. Crap. Now Sehun would have to wear the uncomfortable tights and tutus too.
Jongin looks up from the water, her eyes hopeful. "You would do that for me?"
"Of course! Because we will be together forever, right?" Sehun holds out her little finger.
"Forever." Jongin smiles, linking Sehun's pinkie in a promise.
Maybe, Sehun thinks as she watches Jongin's eyes disappear as she smiles, the tutus and tights will be worth it.
♥♥♥
To everyone’s surprise, Jongin and Sehun loved dancing, so much so they even started taking jazz lessons alongside ballet. While Jongin's technique and style were more suited to ballet, Sehun excelled in the more free formed jazz.
At age 12, Jongin is given the lead role in their end of year ballet recital, Romeo and Juliet. Sehun is thrilled, congratulating her best friend wholeheartedly.
That is until she realises that Jongin being Juliet means she will need a Romeo.
Lee Taemin was that Romeo. Taemin had been making eyes at Jongin ever since she and Sehun joined the academy two years ago. Jongin was oblivious of course, focusing on her dancing instead, but Sehun wasn't so oblivious. She noticed how Taemin would take time to help Jongin with her turns, or offer her a hand when she fell before Sehun had the chance to.
All Sehun could do was stare daggers at them from across the room as they practiced together.
"Are you upset?" Jongin asks when they are walking to the bus stop after practice.
Sehun looks up, shocked at Jongin's sudden question. "What makes you think that?"
"You were sulking, I could see you from across the room. Are you upset you didn't get a better part in the recital?" Jongin sounds genuinely concerned, almost guilty.
"No of course not!" Sehun grabs Jongin's arm in protest. "I was just thinking about how you will be busy now that you are the star of the recital." Technically Sehun wasn't lying, but how could she tell her best friend 'I'm jealous of that stupid boy who gets to dance with you and spend all lesson with you. You're my best friend'?
Jongin smiles, as if she knows something Sehun didn't. "Don't worry. We still have jazz classes and school."
"You're right. I'm just being silly." Sehun tries her best to return Jongin's smile.
Jongin's hand brushes Sehun's as they walk. "I wish you were Romeo instead." she says in a whisper, quiet enough that Sehun thinks she wasn't meant to hear it.
Sehun smiles to herself and grabs Jongin's hand, swinging it as they walked. Maybe she didn't have anything to worry about after all.
♥♥♥
Sehun is 15 when she has her first kiss.
She is sitting on the balcony of her apartment with Jongin, the cold city air blowing her long hair off her face. They are sitting on a swinging loveseat, Sehun with her knees to her chest and a sour expression on her face.
"Why haven't we had our first kisses yet? I feel like we are so behind on everything." Sehun sighs as she looks out to the city lights, the closest thing she has to stars in the light polluted city.
"Why does it matter?" Jongin laughs, poking Sehun's side.
Sehun yelps and glares at Jongin next to her. "Aren't you embarrassed? Everyone we know has had a boyfriend or has at least kissed a guy. What have we done? We haven't even held hands with a guy. I don't want to be left behind."
"There is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer." Jongin mumbles, playing with the ends of her hair. She still has the same bobbed hair cut that she's had since they were children.
"Of course there is! I want to be an average bloomer, not a late one. I'm sick of hearing Eunji and Naeun giggling about their boyfriends and their double dates. When will we go on a double date? My mum is always saying 'maybe if you were more lady like you would get the attention of boys. You have a very pretty face Sehun' in that annoying patronising tone of hers. You know the one, the same one she uses when I buy a new snapback or get mud on my jeans. Maybe we can sneak into one of your sister’s rooms and steal their makeup. If we plan it just right we can take some before they get hom-" Sehun's rambling is cut off by the feeling of something soft and warm on her lips.
"There," Jongin says matter-of-factly, "now we have both had our first kiss. Can we go inside now? I'm cold."
Jongin gets up off the loveseat and slips back inside the apartment as Sehun takes a few moments to register what just happened.
Jongin just kissed her.
Jongin, her best friend from as far as she can remember.
Jongin just kissed her.
Sehun reaches her fingers up to touch her lips, still feeling the warmth of Jongin's there. She scrambles off her seat and trips her way inside the apartment. "What's up with you? Why is your face so red?" Sehun's older brother asks.
Sehun just cups her cheeks and runs after Jongin and into her bedroom.
♥♥♥
At 16, Sehun has her first identity crisis.
High school was a whole different ball game to middle school. Rumours were the life line of every student and gossip just made them worse. Both Sehun and Jongin were not safe from this malicious pass time, as all sorts of rumours began about the two.
Jongin was a slut because her skirt was too short and her shirt was too tight. Sehun was a bitch because she never smiled or talked to anyone who wasn't Jongin. None of these rumours really bothered either of them because they knew they weren't true. Jongin's uniform didn't fit right because it was her sister's, Jongin being taller than both of them, with bigger breasts too. Sehun wasn't a bitch, she was just shy around new people, rarely smiling unless she got to know someone - mostly due to the fact that she didn't want her retainer showing.
There was one rumour however, that really made Sehun mad.
"Did you hear about Sehun and Jongin?" She heard two girls whispering in the bathroom while she was in a cubical. "Apparently they are together. Like, together together. Like, lesbians." The girl whispered the last part.
"That would explain a lot." The other girl said, "I mean, have you ever seen them with a guy? And they are always together - I don't think I have ever seen one without the other - and holding hands. They do way too much skinship to just be friends, they totally have to be lesbians."
Sehun felt a hot flash of rage wash over her as she slammed the cubical door open, startling the two girls. She recognised them as Jinri and Soojung from her algebra class. Sehun held her head up high as she quietly washed her hands and exited the bathroom, leaving an embarrassed looking Jinri and Soojung behind.
She didn't know why this was bothering her so much, none of the other rumours did. Was it because she wasn't sure it was false? Was it because she could have feelings for- 'Don't be stupid Sehun,’ she thought to herself, ‘she is your best friend and you like boys.’
She likes boys.
Not Jongin.
Right?
♥♥♥
At 17, Sehun gets her first boyfriend.
His name is Minseok, an older boy with soft hair and sharp eyes. Sehun had bumped into him on the way to class, not giving him a second glance as she muttered an apology. After that, she seemed to notice him around more, near her locker, out on the soccer field during gym, looking at her from his lunch table.
One day he had come and sat down at her and Jongin's usual lunch table and told Sehun she was pretty. Jongin choked on her water.
When he asked her out, she heard Soojung's voice in her head - "They totally have to be lesbians" - so she said yes.
Nothing much changed while she was dating Minseok. He sat at her and Jongin's table at lunch, his friend Luhan sometimes joining them and making googly eyes at Jongin, much to Jongin's dismay. Sehun spent just as much time with Jongin as she did before, only now she just brought Minseok along.
Sehun had asked Jongin what she thought of Minseok. "He's nice." She had said, "He kind of reminds me of a marshmallow." Sehun didn't know what response she wanted from Jongin. She had maybe expected Jongin to tell her she hated Minseok, that he didn't deserve her and that she belonged to Jongin, that she was jealous.
(What Sehun didn't see was the way Jongin's face fell every time she saw her and Minseok together)
Kissing Minseok was a totally new experience. She would be lying if she said her and Jongin had never experimented - "Practice," Jongin had said, "for when we get real boyfriends.
Sehun thought back to those times when she and Jongin were alone in her bedroom - the feeling of her soft lips, the warmth of her skin, the little sounds she made.
Kissing Minseok was easier when she thought of Jongin.
♥♥♥
At 17 and a half, Sehun has her first break up.
Minseok called her down to the park near her apartment, the one she used to play in as a child. She arrives and finds Minseok sitting on a bench, playing with his phone. When he looks up at Sehun he smiles, but it wasn't his usual smile, the one where his eyes disappear into crescent moons. This smile didn't reach his eyes.
Minseok pats the spot beside him on the bench, inviting Sehun to sit next to him. "Sehun-ah," he takes Sehun's hand, "I have to ask you something." Sehun just swallows nervously and nods.
"Do you like me? I mean, really, really like me?" Minseok looks Sehun in the eyes, hand still in hers, prompting her to respond.
Sehun looks down at her hand in Minseok's, his slightly bigger hand wrapped around hers, then looks back up at Minseok's face. She can't decipher his expression and her own eyebrows knit together in confusion.
She likes a lot of things about Minseok. She likes his cute eyes and monolids, she likes that he doesn't talk much (which allows her talk his ear off), she likes that he doesn't make fun of her laugh, but most importantly she likes the fact that he never complains to her when they are together with Jongin. She likes that understanding side of him the most.
But does she like Minseok?
She is about to speak when Minseok kisses her cheek. "I thought so." He lets go of her hand and smiles, that same smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "It's ok Sehun-ah, I don't want to make you stay with me because you feel obligated to. We can still be friends, ok?"
Sehun just nods, too embarrassed to look up at Minseok's face.
Minseok is about to walk away, but turns around. "You spend a lot of time with Jongin you know." Sehun can feel her face turn red hot. Minseok lets out a soft, genuine laugh before patting Sehun on the head. "You'll figure it out."
As she watches Minseok walk away she feels a mixture of confusion and relief.
♥♥♥
At 21, Sehun has her second identity crisis.
Sehun is sitting on the bed in Jongin's college dorm room, complaining that the science and medicine buildings were too far away from her design buildings. "Why did you have to pick veterinary science as your major?" Sehun huffs. "I mean look at poor Monggu," Sehun hold out Jongin's most prized possession, her stuffed dog Monggu, "how are you going to help poor defenceless animals if you can't look after your stuffed one!" She shakes Monggu around, with its now stitched up ear, missing patches of fur and missing eye.
"Hey stop that! He is fragile!" Jongin yells before snatching Monggu away. "Well why did you have to choose fashion design as yours? Wearing snapbacks and pants that are too short doesn't make you a fashion icon." Jongin is looking in the mirror, trying to curl the ends of her bobbed hair just right, a roller still in her fringe.
"Says the one who never wears socks. The world needs someone to help them onto the path to fashion salvation. By the way are you really going to wear those shoes?" Sehun points accusingly at Jongin's feet.
Jongin just throws a ball of socks at Sehun's head. "Why are you here anyway? Don't you have a lecture in half an hour?"
"I needed to escape my roommate for a while. Zitao is talking to her parents on skype and you know how loud she can get." Sehun plays with the ends of her once platinum blonde hair, now stained various colours of the rainbow - "Never let design majors experiment on your hair." She had told Jongin - "Don't you have class soon too?"
"No, I have volunteering remember? I promised Junmyeon oppa I would help him sort out the details for the Open Day next week."
"Junmyeon oppa." Sehun makes gagging sounds.
"Shut up, he is nice. Plus this volunteering will look good on my resume." Jongin sticks her tongue out at Sehun before applying her lipstick.
"Wait," Sehun shoots up from her slouched position, "since when do you call Junmyeon 'oppa' and not 'sunbae'? I thought we both agreed that he was lame and his new dye job was horrible."
Jongin snorts "That's a bit much coming from someone who looks like they were attacked by a box of crayons."
"Jongin, he likes manga and anime, he has to be weird." Sehun shakes her head.
"Sehun, we like manga and anime too."
"Yeah, but I bet he watches that weird perverted stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if he is into tentacles." Sehun wriggles her fingers at Jongin.
Jongin keeps a straight face. "Sehun, you watch that stuff too. Just last week I caught you watching 'To Love-Ru' on my laptop."
"That's not the point!" Sehun throws her arms in the air for emphasis.
"Then what is your point? He isn't so bad once you get to know him."
Sehun notices the slight blush on Jongin's cheeks, visible even through her makeup. She stares at Jongin as if she has grown a new head, completely dumbfounded by this new information. The blush, the mumbling of her words, the use of 'oppa', Sehun has seen this all before from Jongin. Jongin likes Junmyeon.
"You like Junmyeon?" Sehun almost screeches, accidentally saying her thoughts out loud.
Jongin whips around so fast Sehun is amazed her head didn't spin off her neck. "What! No-I-no it's not-I'm going to be late bye!" Jongin fumbles for her keys and leaves the dorm room, yelling a 'lock up for me' over her shoulder before practically running down the hall, leaving Sehun staring at the open door.
Sehun lays down on Jongin's bed, hugging Monggu to her chest. It had been a while since Jongin had liked someone. The last time Sehun had felt this weird feeling, the one that made her stomach feel like it was full of rocks, was when that weird tall guy with the big eyes and creepy smile had tried to get Jongin to go on a date with him.
Sehun was confused about her feelings then and is confused about them now. Why did it bother her that Jongin had a crush on some guy? She pulled at her hair and thrashed her legs around on the bed, trying to will these feelings away. She checked the clock on Jongin's bedside table and realised she was going to be late for her lecture.
As Sehun walked to the lecture hall, all she could think about was Jongin, probably sitting with Junmyeon right now, laughing her adorable shy laugh at him. Sehun kicked at the path in frustration, not completely sure what she was frustrated about. She would be lying if she said she never thought about Jongin in a less than platonic way, but she had always pushed those feelings down, content with having Jongin beside her as a best friend. When they had entered college together, Sehun thought the strange things she felt for Jongin would pass, that she would meet new people and expand her network.
Sehun is meant to be listening to her lecturer talk about the absorbency of cotton but all she could think was 'Jongin, Jongin, Jongin'. She thinks back to the times when her and Jongin were 8 and Jongin would blow on Sehun's knee when she fell over, telling Sehun she would be ok. She thinks back to the times when her and Jongin were 13 and would gossip about the boys in their dance classes, giggling about how gross they were. She thinks back to the times when Jongin would say "I couldn't live without you" and Sehun's heart would beat 5 times faster and she felt like she was floating. She thinks about how Jongin has always been hers and no one else's.
"Fuck". Sehun exclaims a little too loudly.
The whole lecture hall turns to look at her, her lecturer saying "Well Sehun, I didn't know you had such a strong opinions on cotton", clearly not impressed.
Sehun sank down in her seat as the lecture continued. 'Fuck,' she exclaimed internally this time, 'I'm in love with Jongin.' This isn't going to end well.
♥♥♥
Two weeks later and Sehun has done her best to avoid Jongin, only giving short replies to her texts or telling her she is busy studying.
She hears her phone vibrate next to her on her bed, where she is busy wallowing in self hate, and sees a text message from Jongin.
Jongin: my roommate is away for the weekend so ur coming to sleep over. dont tell me ur studying coz we both know thats bullshit. u never study.
Sehun just groans and rolls over, hoping she could suffocate herself with a pillow.
That Saturday night Sehun shows up at Jongin's dorm with a backpack and a plastic bag full of snacks.
"I was going to be mad at you for avoiding me these past two weeks, but you brought chocolate milk so I guess you're forgiven." Jongin says and she reaches for the plastic bad in Sehun's hand.
Sehun feels herself relax, letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding. The rest of the night went as most of their nights in did. They caught up on their favourite drama of the moment - "How can Kangwoo not be real?" Sehun had wailed during 'It's ok, It's Love' - watched the latest Marvel action movie, and ate enough junk to feed a small country.
Everything is going great. That was until Jongin says "Wow I am really tired lets get changed and get into bed."
That's right, since Sehun is staying over at Jongin's dorm room she has to sleep there. With Jongin. Together. Alone. In bed.
Shit.
A flash of tan skin breaks Sehun away from her internal monologue of panic. "Woah, what are you doing?" She says, a few octaves higher than usual.
"I'm putting on my pyjamas what does it look like." Jongin gives Sehun a confused look, t-shirt halfway on.
Sehun watches as the loose t-shirt slides down Jongin's body and oh, were her thighs always this nice. Jongin raises her eyebrows in Sehun's direction, causing the latter to blush and mutter something about brushing her teeth.
When Sehun returns, Jongin is already lying in bed, causing Sehun to take a sharp intake of breath. Jongin's short hair was already messy from tossing around, trying to find a comfortable position, her t-shirt riding up her body and over her stomach, her underwear now showing. Sehun tries to shake any unholy thoughts from her brain. This was her best friend, she isn't meant to think about how smooth the skin of her stomach looks, or how nice her hips look in that underwear, or how - 'Jesus fucking Christ Sehun, stop!' She thinks to herself.
"Hurry up Sehun, I'm cold." Jongin pats the spot next to her in bed, the sheets pulled back so Sehun could slip in.
Sehun tries her best to act natural, but even if she can't see it, she knows her smile looks forced. As she slips under the sheets, she feels the skin of her thigh brush against Jongin's, setting off instant alarm bells. She does her best to discreetly scoot over until they are no longer touching, peeking over to see if Jongin has noticed. Much to her relief, Jongin's eyes are already fluttering shut. Bless Jongin and her weakness to sleep.
Just as Sehun relaxes, letting out the tension from her body, she hears a loud crash outside. Instantly she feels the warmth of another body pressed against hers.
"What the fuck was that." Jongin practically screeches, pressing herself closer to Sehun.
Sehun's whole body goes rigid. Of course there would be loud things going bump in the night. And of course she was in bed with Jongin, who is terrified of loud noises. Of course.
Sehun tries to shuffle closer to the edge of the bed. "It's fine Jongin, it's probably just the trash guy-" She is cut off by another loud bang, which has Jongin practically scrambling on top of Sehun. Sehun tries her best to roll over, trying to get Jongin off her. They were way too close for comfort right now, especially when Sehun could feel Jongin's breasts press into her arm.
Suddenly Sehun feels herself falling, hitting the ground with a loud thud. She stares up at the ceiling, trying to figure out where she went so wrong in life. Jongin's face comes into focus above her, a deep frown on her face. "Ok Oh Sehun. What the hell is your problem? I was going to let two weeks of avoiding me slide, but now you are just acting ridiculous. Did I suddenly develop a horrible body odour that I'm not aware of?"
As Sehun stares up at Jongin, all she can think is 'God, she is beautiful.' So she takes a deep breath and sits up, turning her body so she is facing Jongin who is still on the bed.
"Ok," Sehun starts, "I have something to tell you but you can't interrupt me." Jongin just nods, so Sehun continues. "I have just been thinking. A lot. About us and our friendship, about what you feel for me and what I feel for you. I mean, we love each other right? But what if I told you I love love you. More than a friend."
"Sehun-" Jongin tries to interject.
"No don't interrupt me or I won't be able to finish." Sehun takes a shaky breath. "What if I told you that I was blind all these years, or that I drowned out that little voice that told me that I liked you more than a friend? That I was scared of these weird feelings I was having for my best friend? When you blushed and stuttered about Junmyeon, I don't know why, but I felt like you were being ripped out of my arms, which is stupid right? Because you aren't mine, you aren't mine to possess. But what does this all matter? You like Junmyeon, with his stupidly nice smile and shitty dye job and-" Sehun is cut off by soft lips on hers, plunging her into a sense of Deja Vu.
"Please shut up Sehun." Jongin whispers after she pulls away.
Sehun sits there, too stunned to move. "I-what-I don't understand." She feels like the room is spinning. She feels 15 again, experiencing her first kiss.
"I don't like Junmyeon. The reason I was so embarrassed when you thought I liked him was because I remembered seeing him with this tall guy with angry eyebrows, they were holding hands." Jongin says sheepishly.
"That doesn't mean-"
"Then the tall guy pinched Junmyeon's ass. And then they started making out thinking no one could see them."
"Oh." Sehun feels herself being pulled back up onto the mattress. This time when Jongin pulls Sehun into her arms she doesn't resist.
"I still don't understand why you kissed me." Sehun can feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, feeling both confused and silly.
"Because, believe it or not, I love you too Sehun. I've felt the same way all these years, and I was just as scared as you were." Jongin tilts Sehun's head up so that they are eye to eye. "We are both pretty fucking stupid huh?"
Sehun feels herself laugh a little. Only Jongin could make her laugh in a situation like this. "I don't want things to change." Sehun whispers, almost too scared to talk and break the moment.
"Change isn't always bad." Jongin smiles softly at Sehun, linking their hands together under the sheets of her bed. "We can take things slow. We can deal with everything in the morning."
Sehun rests her head against Jongin's chest and closes her eyes. Maybe Jongin was right.
♥♥♥
At age 21, Sehun is in love with her best friend, and she couldn't be happier.