(no subject)
Its come to my attention that I haven't posted in awhile. Yeah...sorry about that :) I'm reading this book called "What Nobody Tells the Bride" about how difficult it really is to be engaged, plan a wedding, and transition into a totally different role in your life. The title refers to the difficulties and anxiety every bride-to-be has, yet everybody expects you to be so happy and blissful, that you feel uncomfortable discussing your anxieties, and in turn, nobody shares these normal feelings. I'm finding a lot of comfort in it. The author speaks about realizing how much her priorities had changed once she was married; a college professor had onced posed a question to the class "If your house was on fire and you only had time to save one thing, what would it be?". She said her answer had always been automatic "My journals", as she had religiously journaled for years. After she got married, she asked herself the question again and was surprised that her answer was immediately "Our wedding pictures". Somebody should have told her about LJ, as she would no longer have to worry about saving journals in a fire, haha. But thats not the point.....she mentioned that her journaling became less and less since she got engaged because there just isn't the fun single-girl drama and all the buzz that goes on when you share everything with another person. So I guess thats where I'm at.
Anyways....I feel like part of me needs to speak out about how difficult it really is not to be single with all your girlfriends anymore. Being with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with is wonderful, but its not a fairytale! Its hard to re-definte yourself, re-invent who you are. Everything changes.....I admit that I love planning our wedding, in fact, I think I love it too much. I obsess over it, and now that we're at the 3 month mark, I'm finding most thoughts are of the wedding. I can imagine the crash thats going to happen when its all over and my main interest is gone, but for now, I suppose I'm somewhat satisfied being a spaz and stressed out!
Life has been difficult these last few months...actually these past 2 years. If you take meeting Kevin out of the mix, I lost all my friends and family (most in the sense of just being there close to them, but in other cases, totally lost from my life), lost of sense of self when I graduated college and again when I got engaged (yeah I know I said take Kevin out, but its my journal, and I just put him back in!), I haven't been in any job where I was excited or happy in the least (keep in mind this is my only worldly task as I am no longer in school in this is supposed to be my career and not just a job to pay the bills while I finish my education), I spent ALL of my money trying to stay afloat admid bad jobs and financial hardships, totaled my car, developed severe panic attacks....but you're probably sure I gained something, right? Oh yeah - about 30 pounds. 20 of which I've recently lost, by the way.
But you're getting married! You've found THE ONE!!! Yeah. I know. But let me tell you, having found that person does not erase everything else. Kevin is just a person, albeit a person I love with all my heart, but he's not a miracle worker. It is hard for people to understand that engaged people are also just people too, with real problems, concerns, and hardships. In the midst of my worst days, I usually ask myself if I had the chance to do it all over again, and by "it all" I mean moving to Arizona right out of college, would I do it all again? Would I go through all the loss and tough times, JUST for the purpose of meeting that special someone? On the bad days I say no, I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase everything thats changed who I am, all the bad stuff. I wish I could give back my cynacism, negativity, and loss of faith in people. I have changed, I can feel it. And I don't like it...I don't like this person who wakes up as me, I want my old self back. Then another day comes and realize that life is what it is. And whereas I would LOVE to give up the bad, it would still be hard to go through life without Kevin, even with everything else wonderful. Even with my spirit back, my freedom back, my carefree attitude back.
But I still go on, although sometimes I wonder why. I'm hoping to someday find out, and someday regain all that I've lost (except the weight!). And when I do that, hopefully I'll have alredy figured out the relationship stuff, and made the transition into that part of my life, and everything else will someday fall into place. In the meantime, I just cross my fingers and wait.
Anyways....I feel like part of me needs to speak out about how difficult it really is not to be single with all your girlfriends anymore. Being with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with is wonderful, but its not a fairytale! Its hard to re-definte yourself, re-invent who you are. Everything changes.....I admit that I love planning our wedding, in fact, I think I love it too much. I obsess over it, and now that we're at the 3 month mark, I'm finding most thoughts are of the wedding. I can imagine the crash thats going to happen when its all over and my main interest is gone, but for now, I suppose I'm somewhat satisfied being a spaz and stressed out!
Life has been difficult these last few months...actually these past 2 years. If you take meeting Kevin out of the mix, I lost all my friends and family (most in the sense of just being there close to them, but in other cases, totally lost from my life), lost of sense of self when I graduated college and again when I got engaged (yeah I know I said take Kevin out, but its my journal, and I just put him back in!), I haven't been in any job where I was excited or happy in the least (keep in mind this is my only worldly task as I am no longer in school in this is supposed to be my career and not just a job to pay the bills while I finish my education), I spent ALL of my money trying to stay afloat admid bad jobs and financial hardships, totaled my car, developed severe panic attacks....but you're probably sure I gained something, right? Oh yeah - about 30 pounds. 20 of which I've recently lost, by the way.
But you're getting married! You've found THE ONE!!! Yeah. I know. But let me tell you, having found that person does not erase everything else. Kevin is just a person, albeit a person I love with all my heart, but he's not a miracle worker. It is hard for people to understand that engaged people are also just people too, with real problems, concerns, and hardships. In the midst of my worst days, I usually ask myself if I had the chance to do it all over again, and by "it all" I mean moving to Arizona right out of college, would I do it all again? Would I go through all the loss and tough times, JUST for the purpose of meeting that special someone? On the bad days I say no, I wish I could go back. I wish I could erase everything thats changed who I am, all the bad stuff. I wish I could give back my cynacism, negativity, and loss of faith in people. I have changed, I can feel it. And I don't like it...I don't like this person who wakes up as me, I want my old self back. Then another day comes and realize that life is what it is. And whereas I would LOVE to give up the bad, it would still be hard to go through life without Kevin, even with everything else wonderful. Even with my spirit back, my freedom back, my carefree attitude back.
But I still go on, although sometimes I wonder why. I'm hoping to someday find out, and someday regain all that I've lost (except the weight!). And when I do that, hopefully I'll have alredy figured out the relationship stuff, and made the transition into that part of my life, and everything else will someday fall into place. In the meantime, I just cross my fingers and wait.