Thoughts from 2004
"Is it wrong to be sensitive about something when it's your fault? Let's make a little ambiguious case in point. Say you did something and then you find out that normal people don't do these things and someone calls you on it. At first you feel dumb but then for me, I feel defensive. I just wanna live with some relative freedom to jump outside the expections society has for my conduct. I like to break gender sterotypes. I think if a guy acted this way no would think anything out of the oridinary.
Now I realize as I proof read that paragraph it sounds like I'm talking about sexual standards but I'm not. I'm talking about everything. Have you ever been in a quite room or walking down the street and thought to yourself "What is stopping me from screaming my head off right now". Well the answer is common decency. I just get annoyed when my choices are predetermined. So I purposely do things maybe others would have me commited for. It doesn't mean I'm a retard. I think it just means I'm not fooling myself. I am a very happy person. Love me."
A mean trick played
http://www.livejournal.com/users/whitegirl/77085.html
"So back to my life being good. You know it's better to be angry than sad? Anger passes over more quickly. I've had alot of people say some really nice things to me lately. I feel loved. My self doubt is washing away. I surprise myself sometimes. Or atleast I get surprised by others faith in me. Thank you. I can be so introverted with my feelings, I can't possibly fathom that people would be supportive. I have this notion that everyone has their quirks that make them upset so I should not preach to a crowd that really doesn't care. I'm just getting used to talking about things. It's nice actually. The embarassment passes, and things are easier to deal with when you have someone to talk to. Go figure, there is a reason why psychology is such a booming profession.
Another thing! I have to stop thinking that I am only desired by dweebs, geeks and weirdos (which is an awesome game by the way). I think that I'm self confident and I believe that I am special. I just don't believe anyone else thinks so. Which I'm slowly begining to realize is dumb. I'm smart and funny, which are two pretty weighted criteria in the world of the opposite sex. Confidence also shines too. So I found myself jumping around my room tonight out of glee. Lame, yes....but it felt good. I feel good. I don't need people that I have to work hard to impress. If they are blind to the fact that I am a wonderful person, then that is their loss. Believing in myself will take me alot farther than self loathing. Go team me! "
The most telling statement in here about how you might not change as much as you think fundementally, I feel this way all the time
I get nervous. Still.
I don't like yelling over music at the bars.
I don't like being high around new people, cause I won't talk to them.
I wonder if people ever think I snub them.
I get nervous. High doesn't help, it holds my words hostage.
I need to think of plan B, always with plan B.
I try to be a mature realistic woman.
My realisum sometimes revolves around thinking the worse.
I get nervous. But I have a pretty face.
"Going into a boys room and seeing a bunk load of books on the floor just makes me jizz for some reason. Puddle jumping. Talking politics and bands we've seen. I dig."
"I adore him. I mean in the sense that i'm not utterly fluttering between disappointment and elation all the time. It's a steady incline of sugar sweetness with all signs pointing to awesomeness."
Now I realize as I proof read that paragraph it sounds like I'm talking about sexual standards but I'm not. I'm talking about everything. Have you ever been in a quite room or walking down the street and thought to yourself "What is stopping me from screaming my head off right now". Well the answer is common decency. I just get annoyed when my choices are predetermined. So I purposely do things maybe others would have me commited for. It doesn't mean I'm a retard. I think it just means I'm not fooling myself. I am a very happy person. Love me."
A mean trick played
http://www.livejournal.com/users/whitegirl/77085.html
"So back to my life being good. You know it's better to be angry than sad? Anger passes over more quickly. I've had alot of people say some really nice things to me lately. I feel loved. My self doubt is washing away. I surprise myself sometimes. Or atleast I get surprised by others faith in me. Thank you. I can be so introverted with my feelings, I can't possibly fathom that people would be supportive. I have this notion that everyone has their quirks that make them upset so I should not preach to a crowd that really doesn't care. I'm just getting used to talking about things. It's nice actually. The embarassment passes, and things are easier to deal with when you have someone to talk to. Go figure, there is a reason why psychology is such a booming profession.
Another thing! I have to stop thinking that I am only desired by dweebs, geeks and weirdos (which is an awesome game by the way). I think that I'm self confident and I believe that I am special. I just don't believe anyone else thinks so. Which I'm slowly begining to realize is dumb. I'm smart and funny, which are two pretty weighted criteria in the world of the opposite sex. Confidence also shines too. So I found myself jumping around my room tonight out of glee. Lame, yes....but it felt good. I feel good. I don't need people that I have to work hard to impress. If they are blind to the fact that I am a wonderful person, then that is their loss. Believing in myself will take me alot farther than self loathing. Go team me! "
The most telling statement in here about how you might not change as much as you think fundementally, I feel this way all the time
I get nervous. Still.
I don't like yelling over music at the bars.
I don't like being high around new people, cause I won't talk to them.
I wonder if people ever think I snub them.
I get nervous. High doesn't help, it holds my words hostage.
I need to think of plan B, always with plan B.
I try to be a mature realistic woman.
My realisum sometimes revolves around thinking the worse.
I get nervous. But I have a pretty face.
"Going into a boys room and seeing a bunk load of books on the floor just makes me jizz for some reason. Puddle jumping. Talking politics and bands we've seen. I dig."
"I adore him. I mean in the sense that i'm not utterly fluttering between disappointment and elation all the time. It's a steady incline of sugar sweetness with all signs pointing to awesomeness."