Latest Christmas presents ever [text]
[SO. Things have been pretty awkward since Raiden came back. A lot of stumbling around and making an ass of himself to certain people for lack of remembering them. Eventually Raiden would discover his fabled answering machine, loaded with like, hundreds of messages. That shit blew his mind. Only recently did Raiden feel brave enough to sit down and actually listen to all of them.
What he heard shocked, appalled, disgusted, amazed, frightened and only further confused him. A few were surprisingly touching. Then he decided to sit down and read through all his old network entries. All of them--as many threads as he could, and everything started to make sense again. The more he read and listened, the more he started to remember. It was a lot to take in, thus he's probably been noticeably quiet for the past few days. It was also really lame discovering he didn't have an awesome car anymore. Well, there still was the campus golf cart but... In the meantime, there were some discoveries he could do something about.
Like try to sort out all those Christmas presents he bought and figure out which ones went to who...]
From Raiden, To:
Blacky: You're dead and dead people don't get presents.
Mac: A bargain bin pack of bad action movies. It's quite possible Raiden mixed up your gift with Max's.
Max: A bargain bin pack of bad kung-fu movies. It's quite possible Raiden mixed up your gift with Mac's.
Brock: Words CAN NOT EXPRESS his gratitude and broitude, and neither can this apron.
Gamera: YOU ARE A JERK WHO ATE ALL THE COOKIES. And he is not getting those TMs that Raiden DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE. Gamera, you are getting a diet for Christmas. So there.
Lash: Fashionable headband mp3 player that should not fight with that afro hair of yours.
Zapdos: Birdseed Some of those plastic electrical outlet safety plugs.
Goose: Drinkan foam koozie yeaaaaaah.
Raikov: You get the world's cheapest snowglobe. It's super cheap, like dollar-store cheap and says "I ♥ balls in my face RUSSIA". It is not even wrapped. SUPER CHEAP.
EVA: He had some flowers to give you, but when he returned he discovered them very withered and dead. He set off to procure some fresh orange flowers, though they are not as plentiful as the first batch. Attached is a note, "Sorry for the late presents. Merry Christmas. -Raiden." He's going to try and be a sneaky sneak to leave these unnoticed on your library lady desk.
Snake: Ha ha wow the gift he got him was kind of lame, especially after all he went through lately--a cigarette case... so to try and compensate Raiden tacked on a note, "Hey. I'm just getting around to the Christmas presents I left behind, so sorry if this one's a little lackluster late. I don't know if you have my codec number already or not, but if you don't it's 141.89. In case you or Otacon need anything. -Raiden."
Nabooru: Chocolateses
Erika/Tangela: It seems kind of redundant to get you flowers so maybe a little pack of chocolate flowers will suffice. He is not sure if Tangela can even eat them or if she would consider that a form of cannibalism or something but yeah.
Falcon: You get a note in your mailbox that says, "You're a dick and you deserve all that crap you were getting on the news earlier, whatever that was. Merry Christmas. -Raiden" Raiden of course has no idea what any of that really was and only caught the tail end of it but FIRMLY BELIEVES YOU DESERVE IT.
Hawke: GIFTCARD TO COFFEEBUCKS.
Daisy [secret santa]: He is CLUELESS, so he's going with the default idea of "all girls like chocolate right of course they do they are girls", so one of those chocolate truffle assortment boxes.
To Raiden, From:
Goose: Martini mix and a toy penguin. SADLY he got less of a laugh out of it than he would have normally had, but it at least got a soft chuckle out of him as he vaguely recalled it being related to an inside joke.
Mac: That totally awesome new video game he wanted and an iTunes gift card.
Jeff: Cookies. GAMERA ATE THEM ALL.
Blacky: One (1) Poketch. Raiden. Can't wear it. He can't. He keeps it in a secret and safe place in his dorm.
Daisy: Cookies and Candy Canes. GAMERA ATE THEM ALL.
Sable: A violet hat. Given to Gamera.
Gideon: A grade book??? RAIDEN DOESN'T EVEN TEACH CLASSES WHAT Also a cute Pokemon notepad with his name on it. Aww.
Max: A box of protein bars (chocolate mint) and a pair of fingerless lifting gloves with a coupon for 40 pounds of pure muscle.
EVA: A signed Christmas card.
Kirby: One (1) Tomato
Kamek: One (1) bewitched broom in one of the janitor's closets.
Erika: Two matching blue scarves (one is really short for some reason hmm), and some berries.
Bulba: Peanut butter cookies, and some poffins for Gamera.
Brock: A belt clip for your Pokeballs! This way Gamera will never go missing. Brownies. Poffins for Gamera. Gamera is so very fat.
Lash: An awesome alarm clock. Advanced cleaning rombas vr 2.0. A letter with HIDDEN MESSAGES. Raiden eventually did (accidentally) discover the hidden messages and they tore his little, empty heart apart.
Sorry if I've been acting really weird since I've come back, and sorry about the late presents.
In case any of you are new to the school and we've never met, I'm Raiden, the janitor around here. Since one of our maintenance guys left I guess I'll be picking up some of the slack. Does anyone know if his duck thing... a Farfetch'd named Zippo went with him? So just call if you need anything. I've got an office number, it should be in the school's directory.
[Private to Brock; hackable]
Brock. I think I'm ready to take Gamera back. I... need to get him going on a diet or something. He's really fat. But once he's in a little bit better shape I'm going to give you that battle I've been owing you. Thanks for looking after him, I'm sure he liked all your brownies and stuff.
[Private to Lash; hackable]
Hey I really... can't thank you enough for bringing me in. It's been kind of overwhelming but I think I'm getting back into the swing of things here--with everyone.
She's really dead I can't...
What he heard shocked, appalled, disgusted, amazed, frightened and only further confused him. A few were surprisingly touching. Then he decided to sit down and read through all his old network entries. All of them--as many threads as he could, and everything started to make sense again. The more he read and listened, the more he started to remember. It was a lot to take in, thus he's probably been noticeably quiet for the past few days. It was also really lame discovering he didn't have an awesome car anymore. Well, there still was the campus golf cart but... In the meantime, there were some discoveries he could do something about.
Like try to sort out all those Christmas presents he bought and figure out which ones went to who...]
From Raiden, To:
Blacky: You're dead and dead people don't get presents.
Mac: A bargain bin pack of bad action movies. It's quite possible Raiden mixed up your gift with Max's.
Max: A bargain bin pack of bad kung-fu movies. It's quite possible Raiden mixed up your gift with Mac's.
Brock: Words CAN NOT EXPRESS his gratitude and broitude, and neither can this apron.
Gamera: YOU ARE A JERK WHO ATE ALL THE COOKIES. And he is not getting those TMs that Raiden DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE. Gamera, you are getting a diet for Christmas. So there.
Lash: Fashionable headband mp3 player that should not fight with that afro hair of yours.
Zapdos: Birdseed Some of those plastic electrical outlet safety plugs.
Goose: Drinkan foam koozie yeaaaaaah.
Raikov: You get the world's cheapest snowglobe. It's super cheap, like dollar-store cheap and says "I ♥ balls in my face RUSSIA". It is not even wrapped. SUPER CHEAP.
EVA: He had some flowers to give you, but when he returned he discovered them very withered and dead. He set off to procure some fresh orange flowers, though they are not as plentiful as the first batch. Attached is a note, "Sorry for the late presents. Merry Christmas. -Raiden." He's going to try and be a sneaky sneak to leave these unnoticed on your library lady desk.
Snake: Ha ha wow the gift he got him was kind of lame, especially after all he went through lately--a cigarette case... so to try and compensate Raiden tacked on a note, "Hey. I'm just getting around to the Christmas presents I left behind, so sorry if this one's a little lackluster late. I don't know if you have my codec number already or not, but if you don't it's 141.89. In case you or Otacon need anything. -Raiden."
Nabooru: Chocolateses
Erika/Tangela: It seems kind of redundant to get you flowers so maybe a little pack of chocolate flowers will suffice. He is not sure if Tangela can even eat them or if she would consider that a form of cannibalism or something but yeah.
Falcon: You get a note in your mailbox that says, "You're a dick and you deserve all that crap you were getting on the news earlier, whatever that was. Merry Christmas. -Raiden" Raiden of course has no idea what any of that really was and only caught the tail end of it but FIRMLY BELIEVES YOU DESERVE IT.
Hawke: GIFTCARD TO COFFEEBUCKS.
Daisy [secret santa]: He is CLUELESS, so he's going with the default idea of "all girls like chocolate right of course they do they are girls", so one of those chocolate truffle assortment boxes.
To Raiden, From:
Goose: Martini mix and a toy penguin. SADLY he got less of a laugh out of it than he would have normally had, but it at least got a soft chuckle out of him as he vaguely recalled it being related to an inside joke.
Mac: That totally awesome new video game he wanted and an iTunes gift card.
Jeff: Cookies. GAMERA ATE THEM ALL.
Blacky: One (1) Poketch. Raiden. Can't wear it. He can't. He keeps it in a secret and safe place in his dorm.
Daisy: Cookies and Candy Canes. GAMERA ATE THEM ALL.
Sable: A violet hat. Given to Gamera.
Gideon: A grade book??? RAIDEN DOESN'T EVEN TEACH CLASSES WHAT Also a cute Pokemon notepad with his name on it. Aww.
Max: A box of protein bars (chocolate mint) and a pair of fingerless lifting gloves with a coupon for 40 pounds of pure muscle.
EVA: A signed Christmas card.
Kirby: One (1) Tomato
Kamek: One (1) bewitched broom in one of the janitor's closets.
Erika: Two matching blue scarves (one is really short for some reason hmm), and some berries.
Bulba: Peanut butter cookies, and some poffins for Gamera.
Brock: A belt clip for your Pokeballs! This way Gamera will never go missing. Brownies. Poffins for Gamera. Gamera is so very fat.
Lash: An awesome alarm clock. Advanced cleaning rombas vr 2.0. A letter with HIDDEN MESSAGES. Raiden eventually did (accidentally) discover the hidden messages and they tore his little, empty heart apart.
Sorry if I've been acting really weird since I've come back, and sorry about the late presents.
In case any of you are new to the school and we've never met, I'm Raiden, the janitor around here. Since one of our maintenance guys left I guess I'll be picking up some of the slack. Does anyone know if his duck thing... a Farfetch'd named Zippo went with him? So just call if you need anything. I've got an office number, it should be in the school's directory.
[Private to Brock; hackable]
Brock. I think I'm ready to take Gamera back. I... need to get him going on a diet or something. He's really fat. But once he's in a little bit better shape I'm going to give you that battle I've been owing you. Thanks for looking after him, I'm sure he liked all your brownies and stuff.
[Private to Lash; hackable]
Hey I really... can't thank you enough for bringing me in. It's been kind of overwhelming but I think I'm getting back into the swing of things here--with everyone.
She's really dead I can't...