Jealousy will never get you what you love
It's hard to maintain focused on darker thoughts when it's glowy golden warmth outside.
Last night was ick. Concert at the Manium. Once a decent somewhat shifty venue, quickly a Francesca Lia Block-esque surreal crowd. Complete with girls in leggings, cowboy boots, and mini-skirts, as well as a a drunken man grabbing my arm and trying to dance with my friends and I. Later he tried to apologize, and I startled, jerking myself away from him until I realized he wasn't going to do anything. I wondered how it felt to have someone scared of you. More likely, he was beyond the ability to recognize such emotions. The event made me feel so violated--nothing really bad happened, true, but the possibility was so much there. My brain goes outside of reality and worries itself into a whole. Men are stronger than me, it's a fact. I like to think I can throw elbows and kick, but there's that simple issue of they are bigger and really strong and could manipulate me without putting effort into it. Scares the shit out of me. Add the drunkenness in and you have an uncontrollable terror to me. You can't reason with drunkenness. I cannot understand this... drunkenness in public thing, or wanting to be so out of control and disgusting. That's one thing that absolutely gets to me, people's desire to get completely wasted and then expect everyone to just make room for them, like they've got a right to be ridiculous due to some substance--I know it's not always intentional like I make it sound, but if you take a few steps back and think clearly, you can control it before it happens. However, there are so many different lives out there, so many different experiences, I guess not everyone could agree with me easily there.
There is so much sadness in the world. So many destructive ways to combat it, ways that seem easier or more social, especially a quick fix. I want to tell everyone to work at fighting sadness in safer ways, ways that don't endanger the rest of us and probably make you even more sad the morning after. Damn. Time travel, anyone?
And so then, it is sunny out and I have a free day ahead of me. Maybe will go make glittery construction paper valentines with Elise.
Last night was ick. Concert at the Manium. Once a decent somewhat shifty venue, quickly a Francesca Lia Block-esque surreal crowd. Complete with girls in leggings, cowboy boots, and mini-skirts, as well as a a drunken man grabbing my arm and trying to dance with my friends and I. Later he tried to apologize, and I startled, jerking myself away from him until I realized he wasn't going to do anything. I wondered how it felt to have someone scared of you. More likely, he was beyond the ability to recognize such emotions. The event made me feel so violated--nothing really bad happened, true, but the possibility was so much there. My brain goes outside of reality and worries itself into a whole. Men are stronger than me, it's a fact. I like to think I can throw elbows and kick, but there's that simple issue of they are bigger and really strong and could manipulate me without putting effort into it. Scares the shit out of me. Add the drunkenness in and you have an uncontrollable terror to me. You can't reason with drunkenness. I cannot understand this... drunkenness in public thing, or wanting to be so out of control and disgusting. That's one thing that absolutely gets to me, people's desire to get completely wasted and then expect everyone to just make room for them, like they've got a right to be ridiculous due to some substance--I know it's not always intentional like I make it sound, but if you take a few steps back and think clearly, you can control it before it happens. However, there are so many different lives out there, so many different experiences, I guess not everyone could agree with me easily there.
There is so much sadness in the world. So many destructive ways to combat it, ways that seem easier or more social, especially a quick fix. I want to tell everyone to work at fighting sadness in safer ways, ways that don't endanger the rest of us and probably make you even more sad the morning after. Damn. Time travel, anyone?
And so then, it is sunny out and I have a free day ahead of me. Maybe will go make glittery construction paper valentines with Elise.