My second story (this one isn't too good though)
So Tired...
Lately, I have started to feel like I did when I was in my old school.
You know, that odd type of depression where all you want to do is sleep.
That's how I feel these days.
Frankly I'm surprised at the energy that I show at school.
I can laugh somewhat easily, but at the same time I want to go to sleep or the other me reminds me by asking "Is it really okay to laugh right now?"
You're so close to eighteen and your mom's promise will run out anytime now.
What are you gonna do then?
What will you do when she leaves?
At that point my exhaustion gives way to anger and threatening tears.
Sometimes I even start to feel sick.
At first I thought I was just incredibly lazy, but now I'm not certain.
Oh well, I guess I just need to keep smiling.
Besides there are so many other people that have it worse than me.
It makes me sick how I complain about my problems when my friends are feeling down too.
Not to mention all the people I've never heard of before.
I know that sounds weird.
I'm sure some of you wonder "What are you so upset over them for?
You don't even know them!
You just start feeling sorry for random people everywhere?"
Well, yeah I do.
I don't want to, but I do.
I mean every single time I feel sorry for myself I think of maybe some of the kids my mom works with.
Most younger than me and they're going through crappy problems like their parents actually committed suicide or someone murdered someone close to them right in front of their eyes.
Maybe no one pays them any attention.
That doesn't seem like anything at first, but then when it gets so bad that no one cares that you're crying or that you need help and no on does anything it gets kinda bad then now doesn't it.
There are parents that aren't good role models (they steal and curse in front of their two year olds who then pick it up, or they find GF's or BF's who hang around the wrong crowd and get themselves killed).
So yeah, I do feel guilty for feeling this way most of the time.
Because of that I don't really allow my self to cry.
Selfishly, I won't allow myself to cry because of that and because of the fact that I start to choke every time it happens.
I'm afraid to grow up because I might be all alone then, whether by my own doing or not.
Sometimes I get scared because I catch my self thinking that might be better sometimes.
If I were alone I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else and I could be selfish all I want.
However, I always shake myself out of this type of thinking.
What am I gonna do?
What am I supposed to do?
Where am I supposed to go?
I'm afraid of what will happen when I break.
There is no "if", cause I know I will.
But what will happen then?
...Too much thinking.
If I can will myself to sleep it will all go away.
Though it won't take much will-power to do that.
To sleep...
I just want it to all fade away.
So that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to sleep, then the confusion will be lost in the darkness.
...Just like me.
Lately, I have started to feel like I did when I was in my old school.
You know, that odd type of depression where all you want to do is sleep.
That's how I feel these days.
Frankly I'm surprised at the energy that I show at school.
I can laugh somewhat easily, but at the same time I want to go to sleep or the other me reminds me by asking "Is it really okay to laugh right now?"
You're so close to eighteen and your mom's promise will run out anytime now.
What are you gonna do then?
What will you do when she leaves?
At that point my exhaustion gives way to anger and threatening tears.
Sometimes I even start to feel sick.
At first I thought I was just incredibly lazy, but now I'm not certain.
Oh well, I guess I just need to keep smiling.
Besides there are so many other people that have it worse than me.
It makes me sick how I complain about my problems when my friends are feeling down too.
Not to mention all the people I've never heard of before.
I know that sounds weird.
I'm sure some of you wonder "What are you so upset over them for?
You don't even know them!
You just start feeling sorry for random people everywhere?"
Well, yeah I do.
I don't want to, but I do.
I mean every single time I feel sorry for myself I think of maybe some of the kids my mom works with.
Most younger than me and they're going through crappy problems like their parents actually committed suicide or someone murdered someone close to them right in front of their eyes.
Maybe no one pays them any attention.
That doesn't seem like anything at first, but then when it gets so bad that no one cares that you're crying or that you need help and no on does anything it gets kinda bad then now doesn't it.
There are parents that aren't good role models (they steal and curse in front of their two year olds who then pick it up, or they find GF's or BF's who hang around the wrong crowd and get themselves killed).
So yeah, I do feel guilty for feeling this way most of the time.
Because of that I don't really allow my self to cry.
Selfishly, I won't allow myself to cry because of that and because of the fact that I start to choke every time it happens.
I'm afraid to grow up because I might be all alone then, whether by my own doing or not.
Sometimes I get scared because I catch my self thinking that might be better sometimes.
If I were alone I wouldn't have to worry about anyone else and I could be selfish all I want.
However, I always shake myself out of this type of thinking.
What am I gonna do?
What am I supposed to do?
Where am I supposed to go?
I'm afraid of what will happen when I break.
There is no "if", cause I know I will.
But what will happen then?
...Too much thinking.
If I can will myself to sleep it will all go away.
Though it won't take much will-power to do that.
To sleep...
I just want it to all fade away.
So that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to sleep, then the confusion will be lost in the darkness.
...Just like me.