in the woods i saw a wolf, vergil, and more
so despite our best intentions, benny and i did not lose our anal virginities to each other this weekend. he forgot the lube, then i got angry at him and accused him of forgetting it on purpose, then we didn't talk for about 45 minutes, then we cuddled and fell asleep; now we're back in athens and we're pretending like there was never anything between us; and i must say part of me died back there in that forest, in that tent;
okay for serious now, we saw the fucking cutest black baby lamb with white spots and a house from tatooine a la star wars episode 4.
also we saw dante's inferno;
so we're driving up the highway in talbot country, ga. and it's about seven o'clock at night. the sky has just faded to inky black and off the left side of the road we see a plume of pinkish-orangish smoke. our interest piqued, we speed up to see what it is; and in passing, it's clear that there's a field on fire. so what do we do? i turn the car around, park it, and we haul ass through somebody's property to get a closer look. all we can see leading up to the lip of this huge depression in the earth is a curtain of smoke with sparks filtering through it intermittently. then we reach the curtain, and look down onto acres and acres of burnt earth encircled by flames. now, i'm from suburban alpharetta and ben's from suburban macon, so it suffices to say that we've never seen this much earth on fire before in our lives. we figure it's probably a controlled fire, as opposed to our first thoughts which were: some dumb hokie motherfuckers accidentally burnt a forest down and we're the first to find it smouldering (egocentric, I know). ben sits on the ground to admire the view, i stand. then, headlights approach around the curve in the circumference of flame.
ben wanted to run, but i figure he'd be able to catch us if we ran anyway and then we'd be in real trouble. so we just act cool and sit staring at the fire as this dude drives up on his kubota. when he stops the cart/tractor thing a few feet away from us, i turn and look at him and do my little upward "yo whatup" nod to him, and he returns it. dude steps out of his vehicle swigging away at a beer, and we can make out the silhoutte of a cooler perched atop a bunch of equipment in the back of his tram.
he asks us what we're doing on his property; we say we're just admiring the fire; he asks where we're from; we say athens; he asks if we go to school at uga; we say yes, in fact we do; he says he went there as well; i ask what he majored in; he replies, "beer;" i say, "right on," or something to that effect, trying not to let him know how lame i think this answer is; we tell him our major; i ask him if we're the first interlopers he's had today; he says no, he had some friends over earlier to drink and watch the fields burn; we ask how big the fire is; he says he's burned around 100 acres today, in an effort to kill armadillos and rattlesnakes - "vermin;" then he tells us,
"before y'all showed up, i was about to go down in there and roll a fatty"
"oh yeah? cool, man"
"y'all smoke hoots?"
"hoots?"
"yeah, hoots... y'all don't smoke dope?"
"oh, dope; man, we don't call it hoots up in athens anymore"
so of course we agree, because how badly would this story end if we hadn't? of course i had to drive and ben is afraid of seeing god and the devil again (ben either gets no high at all or he imagines himself dead for a good hour or two), but we decide to partake in a little recreational hillbilly weedsmoking nonetheless. he fills his little pipe and asks us if we know how it works; i tell him yeah man; then he warns us that this is talbotton home-dank we've got in our hands and we should be careful; what this means is that it was grown in a cornfield just a few hundred yards away. we puff on it a little and let him finish it off, and then he asks us if we want to see what's in his "scamp;" "scamp?;" yeah, he says, the camper over there. and of course we want to know what's in his scamp. he wants us to ride over there in his kubota with him, which i guess is a bit creepy so we both ride in the back as opposed to up in the front seat with him.
then as we're driving over there we see headlights coming up the driveway. this is where things get scary. the paranoia hits me right as he says "oh that's my brother, i'll have to bring you guys over to him and tell him i caught y'all trespassing;" so i'm thinking "we'll damn, we're going to get raped and gutted now." instead, it turns out to be a cop car. i ask him why the cops are here, and he says: "for you... trespassing." and of course he lets us freak out for a few seconds before cackling and telling us don't worry they're probably just here to check on the fire. and then a second cop car pulls up. and in a white cop car there's an 80-year-old white cop; and in a black cop car there's an 80-year-old black cop. and this dude who smells like fire and booze and dope goes up and just sweet talks them on their way; probably so he can get back quickly to his plans of raping us with his brother dearest.
when the cops leave, he comes back over to us and says:
"i got a bunch of 18-year-old strippers locked up in this trailer over here; i'm not even gonna show y'all that mess."
so i flip out at this point, tell him we need to leave. he insists on driving us to our car. i say no we'll walk. then he says don't worry about it, it's no trouble: get up front with him. and what does benny fucking austin do? he gets up in the front seat with him. i get in the back; he starts driving through the field in the wrong direction; i point him in the right direction to get to the car; and miraculously, he deposits us safely at our car parked in between his field and the highway. we thank him for the fire and the fun and i'm ready to leave. but ben wants to go to the bathroom on the side of the road. so i'm just waiting for somebody to jump out of the briars and axe ben down. nothing happens. he gets in the car; we continue on our long day's journey into night.
okay for serious now, we saw the fucking cutest black baby lamb with white spots and a house from tatooine a la star wars episode 4.
also we saw dante's inferno;
so we're driving up the highway in talbot country, ga. and it's about seven o'clock at night. the sky has just faded to inky black and off the left side of the road we see a plume of pinkish-orangish smoke. our interest piqued, we speed up to see what it is; and in passing, it's clear that there's a field on fire. so what do we do? i turn the car around, park it, and we haul ass through somebody's property to get a closer look. all we can see leading up to the lip of this huge depression in the earth is a curtain of smoke with sparks filtering through it intermittently. then we reach the curtain, and look down onto acres and acres of burnt earth encircled by flames. now, i'm from suburban alpharetta and ben's from suburban macon, so it suffices to say that we've never seen this much earth on fire before in our lives. we figure it's probably a controlled fire, as opposed to our first thoughts which were: some dumb hokie motherfuckers accidentally burnt a forest down and we're the first to find it smouldering (egocentric, I know). ben sits on the ground to admire the view, i stand. then, headlights approach around the curve in the circumference of flame.
ben wanted to run, but i figure he'd be able to catch us if we ran anyway and then we'd be in real trouble. so we just act cool and sit staring at the fire as this dude drives up on his kubota. when he stops the cart/tractor thing a few feet away from us, i turn and look at him and do my little upward "yo whatup" nod to him, and he returns it. dude steps out of his vehicle swigging away at a beer, and we can make out the silhoutte of a cooler perched atop a bunch of equipment in the back of his tram.
he asks us what we're doing on his property; we say we're just admiring the fire; he asks where we're from; we say athens; he asks if we go to school at uga; we say yes, in fact we do; he says he went there as well; i ask what he majored in; he replies, "beer;" i say, "right on," or something to that effect, trying not to let him know how lame i think this answer is; we tell him our major; i ask him if we're the first interlopers he's had today; he says no, he had some friends over earlier to drink and watch the fields burn; we ask how big the fire is; he says he's burned around 100 acres today, in an effort to kill armadillos and rattlesnakes - "vermin;" then he tells us,
"before y'all showed up, i was about to go down in there and roll a fatty"
"oh yeah? cool, man"
"y'all smoke hoots?"
"hoots?"
"yeah, hoots... y'all don't smoke dope?"
"oh, dope; man, we don't call it hoots up in athens anymore"
so of course we agree, because how badly would this story end if we hadn't? of course i had to drive and ben is afraid of seeing god and the devil again (ben either gets no high at all or he imagines himself dead for a good hour or two), but we decide to partake in a little recreational hillbilly weedsmoking nonetheless. he fills his little pipe and asks us if we know how it works; i tell him yeah man; then he warns us that this is talbotton home-dank we've got in our hands and we should be careful; what this means is that it was grown in a cornfield just a few hundred yards away. we puff on it a little and let him finish it off, and then he asks us if we want to see what's in his "scamp;" "scamp?;" yeah, he says, the camper over there. and of course we want to know what's in his scamp. he wants us to ride over there in his kubota with him, which i guess is a bit creepy so we both ride in the back as opposed to up in the front seat with him.
then as we're driving over there we see headlights coming up the driveway. this is where things get scary. the paranoia hits me right as he says "oh that's my brother, i'll have to bring you guys over to him and tell him i caught y'all trespassing;" so i'm thinking "we'll damn, we're going to get raped and gutted now." instead, it turns out to be a cop car. i ask him why the cops are here, and he says: "for you... trespassing." and of course he lets us freak out for a few seconds before cackling and telling us don't worry they're probably just here to check on the fire. and then a second cop car pulls up. and in a white cop car there's an 80-year-old white cop; and in a black cop car there's an 80-year-old black cop. and this dude who smells like fire and booze and dope goes up and just sweet talks them on their way; probably so he can get back quickly to his plans of raping us with his brother dearest.
when the cops leave, he comes back over to us and says:
"i got a bunch of 18-year-old strippers locked up in this trailer over here; i'm not even gonna show y'all that mess."
so i flip out at this point, tell him we need to leave. he insists on driving us to our car. i say no we'll walk. then he says don't worry about it, it's no trouble: get up front with him. and what does benny fucking austin do? he gets up in the front seat with him. i get in the back; he starts driving through the field in the wrong direction; i point him in the right direction to get to the car; and miraculously, he deposits us safely at our car parked in between his field and the highway. we thank him for the fire and the fun and i'm ready to leave. but ben wants to go to the bathroom on the side of the road. so i'm just waiting for somebody to jump out of the briars and axe ben down. nothing happens. he gets in the car; we continue on our long day's journey into night.