(no subject)
My head is a constant mess of jumbled up thoughts. Memories come flooding in for no fucking reason and drive me crazy. I don't have any interests. Hobbies. Fun of any kind. I'm bored, broke, insane, depressed, angry and generally fucked up.
And the shit of it is... the absolute fucking dumb shit monkey spunk bottom of the barrel bullshit is I'm scared. Too fucking scared to just put my gun in my mouth and pull the God damned trigger. Because of the fucking question that runs through my mind every second of every minute of every hour of every day of my entire fucking existence.
What if?
What if tomorrow is better? What if there is a God and he wouldn't be too happy with my decision? What if there is a hell and instead of just suffering through this relatively short life, I get to spend eternity worse off. Eternity.
Those two little words control my life. I use them when the past comes rushing onto the front of my mind. What if I had done this differently?
I use those two little words for the future... "What if so-and-so happens? And if this happens then I need to do that.
Really though... despite whats written above.... I'm a generally happy individual. I just don't know how to fix whats wrong with my brain. Its crowded, honestly. With useless bits of information, memories, fantasies, day dreams, schedules... I never get a quiet moment. And thats all I want. And when I say thats all I want, I mean exactly that. Some peace and quiet. Meditation doesn't work. Sleeping through it only works so long as I don't dream.
I know of a short term solution with too many negative sides to it. Cons outweigh the pros in this case. I just wish I wasn't broken. I wish that I was a fully functioning human being. But thats life I suppose.
And the shit of it is... the absolute fucking dumb shit monkey spunk bottom of the barrel bullshit is I'm scared. Too fucking scared to just put my gun in my mouth and pull the God damned trigger. Because of the fucking question that runs through my mind every second of every minute of every hour of every day of my entire fucking existence.
What if?
What if tomorrow is better? What if there is a God and he wouldn't be too happy with my decision? What if there is a hell and instead of just suffering through this relatively short life, I get to spend eternity worse off. Eternity.
Those two little words control my life. I use them when the past comes rushing onto the front of my mind. What if I had done this differently?
I use those two little words for the future... "What if so-and-so happens? And if this happens then I need to do that.
Really though... despite whats written above.... I'm a generally happy individual. I just don't know how to fix whats wrong with my brain. Its crowded, honestly. With useless bits of information, memories, fantasies, day dreams, schedules... I never get a quiet moment. And thats all I want. And when I say thats all I want, I mean exactly that. Some peace and quiet. Meditation doesn't work. Sleeping through it only works so long as I don't dream.
I know of a short term solution with too many negative sides to it. Cons outweigh the pros in this case. I just wish I wasn't broken. I wish that I was a fully functioning human being. But thats life I suppose.