GOD MODE
so ive been playing alot of DOOM and DOOM 2 on my computer lately. it is a metaphor for my life i think. because you run around and collect items and keycards to help you get into different colored doors and you sometimes get better weapons cause the badguys get progressively harder and grow in numbers. then on very rare occasions you pick up this black medical box or weird colored orb that makes you go into GOD MODE. its usually well hidden or behind a secret door or you have to hit a switch to make it appear. when you are in GOD MODE you run around punching enemies and turning them into piles of gore with one hit, and you are invincible for a short time.
GOD MODE is basically when i am on drugs or when i am too numb or too manic to feel pain.
the rest of the game is when i'm trying to replenish my health or get armor and weapons.
i wish my life followed the linear path of a DOOM level. it kind of does. but things get too linear and that is what makes them more difficult to find a way around.
its things like my dog dying and my grandparents dying of cancer and my parents growing older and their hair getting grayer. its things like failing school not having any idea how to survive as an adult without a degree. not knowing how to survive without scrounging by when i have no help. i have to wake up every day and my dog looks so sad and in pain. she follows me around the house totally confused because she knows its close to the end and she cant continue on the way she used to everyday.
today my grandma even said to my dog, "we're going up to heaven to meet papa soon" and it made me fucking swell up with sadness and pain. made me realize that my fucking problems are such bullshit. that a day passed is a serious thing. that i wasted many years and i could have been so much closer to the people i love, and here i am having let time pass carelessly, i can't reconcile with that or the thought of the people i love being gone. i know that the facts of life death and grieving can't be blamed on me. repeat the phrase until it becomes burned into my brain: "i should have tried harder". i have felt loss before but i was too young to comprehend it... in my growing stages i am still possessed like a half-demonic child, fucking up or getting fucked up or fucking or plain fucking around.
i want to go into GOD MODE and punch myself in the head so that i will die before i have to watch my loved ones die around me. they did so much more for me than i ever did for them. that goes for my friends too. i feel loved but i give very little love. everyone around me goes up, soaring, high on their clouds and i fall down and further down. i keep scraping my knees on the earth and i keep peeling away soil until it turns to clay and then solid rocks to where the scrapes are much more serious and i feel them give way when i try to stand up.
i waited this long to say hi when everyone around me is starting to say goodbye.
GOD MODE is basically when i am on drugs or when i am too numb or too manic to feel pain.
the rest of the game is when i'm trying to replenish my health or get armor and weapons.
i wish my life followed the linear path of a DOOM level. it kind of does. but things get too linear and that is what makes them more difficult to find a way around.
its things like my dog dying and my grandparents dying of cancer and my parents growing older and their hair getting grayer. its things like failing school not having any idea how to survive as an adult without a degree. not knowing how to survive without scrounging by when i have no help. i have to wake up every day and my dog looks so sad and in pain. she follows me around the house totally confused because she knows its close to the end and she cant continue on the way she used to everyday.
today my grandma even said to my dog, "we're going up to heaven to meet papa soon" and it made me fucking swell up with sadness and pain. made me realize that my fucking problems are such bullshit. that a day passed is a serious thing. that i wasted many years and i could have been so much closer to the people i love, and here i am having let time pass carelessly, i can't reconcile with that or the thought of the people i love being gone. i know that the facts of life death and grieving can't be blamed on me. repeat the phrase until it becomes burned into my brain: "i should have tried harder". i have felt loss before but i was too young to comprehend it... in my growing stages i am still possessed like a half-demonic child, fucking up or getting fucked up or fucking or plain fucking around.
i want to go into GOD MODE and punch myself in the head so that i will die before i have to watch my loved ones die around me. they did so much more for me than i ever did for them. that goes for my friends too. i feel loved but i give very little love. everyone around me goes up, soaring, high on their clouds and i fall down and further down. i keep scraping my knees on the earth and i keep peeling away soil until it turns to clay and then solid rocks to where the scrapes are much more serious and i feel them give way when i try to stand up.
i waited this long to say hi when everyone around me is starting to say goodbye.