when you just dont know what to do...??? - warning,length of an essay but needing to vent :(
so a full week has gone by now. feels like its been longer. The weekends festivities were quite the blunder. running into ex, seeing ex on and off through the night to spending 7 hrs in the car just chatting about life and where one will go with said ex, what one will do. the feelings are still there and they are atronger then ever before. the love, memories, laughter, tears, the affection etc - the whole lot. i am full of mixed emotions which are really starting to play with ze head. Im sad and down but also angry and tired of all of it - i sorta feel like a puppet and im being controlled by my puppet master when in all fact im no ones puppet. Is this all a Game maybe. Its possible. everything is just up in the air, pieces over here, pieces over their. Trying to put all the pieces is taking alot longer to put together and who knows when the fuck it will be done.
The chats - totally awkward as u could imagine, and I was so down, He kept making comment that its strange, not many couples can brake up and still sit next to each other with the feelings we have between us and able to talk and still be semi affectionate - I replied with “ Yeh its called Love”. he held my hand, gave me cuddles - although positioning somewhat awkward as we were in the car, kissing my neck, my cheek, holding me whispering he still loved me and always will in my ear, calling me his prince, his boi and how much he just wished that things were ok and he was ready to be with me as he realised I am the guy he wants to be with, just wrong time. Whats that saying - right guy, wrong time,.
.
we made jokes, had some laughs, held back tears, and made a few lil mistakes and went a lil far considering we were in my car on the street but hey it was dark and although we shouldnt have made out like we did lol, i dnt know it just felt ... RIGHT. when ever im with him, everything we do just seems right. i feel this is my soul mate and im lost without him.
Now how can I not feel bad and down and melt when this is going on. The one guy who I thought would be mine for a long long time, the one I actually love and who still holds my heart, the one who pops up into my head when I hear songs, see simple things like cars, dogs, rubber ducks - theres a story there lol - even fukn smells. Grrr I just fukn hate this. I still cant listen to Thunder in my heart and not cry. That was our song. I just dnt no how long this will be going on for hey?
Fuck will these tears stop, will this day get any easier. Will life ever get easier. I no life isn’t always easy but fuck I don’t understand why there has to be this much pain, this much love - it just hurts.
I dnt know if i can say things are getting easier because to be honest i dont even know myself, i dont think they are. From waking up in the morning and rolling over expecting to see him there to going to bed at night, having it come down to holding a pillow and just wishing, wishing i had him back in my arms, wishing i was back in his, the feeling of being one, the feeling of dare i say LOVE. Ive said goodbye to the one boi who will remain closest to me for a long long time.
Q: - When you are told how much you mean to someone. when someone says they cant loose you from their life. when you really dont want to loose them either. when your told that he cant see himself with anyone else. There is no sexual desire, wish to be with anyone else and only wants you. When they play a scenario out that himself and said flatmate/best mate of his are sitting down having their tea "like good housewives" and you flutter about in tight ck briefs getting ready to go to work, whilst flatmates bf is sleeping still - What do you do. Do you wait to see if this will actually happen one day. Do you wait around for something that both of you cant even promise will happen, living a fantasy or do you "cut loose and run", realise that its possible he could meet someone else whilst you wait then what will you do. you will be fukd really. - try to save urself from further heartache. its just so ... fukd because for once in my life i dnt know what to do or where to go with all this. its just to much. as two of my mates always said - What does it all mean..??
Well what does it mean? - Does it mean i "wait","cut and run", like will it even work a 3rd time. Do i even wanna try? "No matter what, were so gonna get together again and be together - its just what will happen" ..:: That was said to me a few times, well along those lines anyway and i think about it and it fills me with hope cause i love him so much, but also fills me with sadness. DO i know if this will happen - NO, can i guarantee this will happen - NO, Nothing in life is certain as i have learned and we just have to live it one day at a time cause really i could be clinging to false hope, but all that aside i know what is certain. My LOVE for sim, that boi was amazing in so many ways, and no matter how hard you try, no one will ever understand what we had, and thats what made it all so amazing.
HA i just realised how much i am doing my own fukn head in.
Bottom line is - The only person I want with me right now is simon. Just to feels his arms around me, holding me, kissing my neck like he always did - I just miss it all sooo much
Funny that i hardly ever used this thing before but someone told me on the weekend that its best to write things out, that way you feel like you are getting stuff off your chest. Thanks Crystel babe cause this has helped but as you know me i couldnt be assed writing, so have chosen typing. Same shit just different spelling really. oh p.s - ya new place in newtown, MWAH babe - fukn camp-o-rama
something though i would like to leave you with, and when i think of this i sorta know what direction i should maybe look at starting to head by anyways hows this :-
" Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'FUCK WHAT A RIDE' " thanks megs babe xo
thank you for reading
xo G ox
The chats - totally awkward as u could imagine, and I was so down, He kept making comment that its strange, not many couples can brake up and still sit next to each other with the feelings we have between us and able to talk and still be semi affectionate - I replied with “ Yeh its called Love”. he held my hand, gave me cuddles - although positioning somewhat awkward as we were in the car, kissing my neck, my cheek, holding me whispering he still loved me and always will in my ear, calling me his prince, his boi and how much he just wished that things were ok and he was ready to be with me as he realised I am the guy he wants to be with, just wrong time. Whats that saying - right guy, wrong time,.
.
we made jokes, had some laughs, held back tears, and made a few lil mistakes and went a lil far considering we were in my car on the street but hey it was dark and although we shouldnt have made out like we did lol, i dnt know it just felt ... RIGHT. when ever im with him, everything we do just seems right. i feel this is my soul mate and im lost without him.
Now how can I not feel bad and down and melt when this is going on. The one guy who I thought would be mine for a long long time, the one I actually love and who still holds my heart, the one who pops up into my head when I hear songs, see simple things like cars, dogs, rubber ducks - theres a story there lol - even fukn smells. Grrr I just fukn hate this. I still cant listen to Thunder in my heart and not cry. That was our song. I just dnt no how long this will be going on for hey?
Fuck will these tears stop, will this day get any easier. Will life ever get easier. I no life isn’t always easy but fuck I don’t understand why there has to be this much pain, this much love - it just hurts.
I dnt know if i can say things are getting easier because to be honest i dont even know myself, i dont think they are. From waking up in the morning and rolling over expecting to see him there to going to bed at night, having it come down to holding a pillow and just wishing, wishing i had him back in my arms, wishing i was back in his, the feeling of being one, the feeling of dare i say LOVE. Ive said goodbye to the one boi who will remain closest to me for a long long time.
Q: - When you are told how much you mean to someone. when someone says they cant loose you from their life. when you really dont want to loose them either. when your told that he cant see himself with anyone else. There is no sexual desire, wish to be with anyone else and only wants you. When they play a scenario out that himself and said flatmate/best mate of his are sitting down having their tea "like good housewives" and you flutter about in tight ck briefs getting ready to go to work, whilst flatmates bf is sleeping still - What do you do. Do you wait to see if this will actually happen one day. Do you wait around for something that both of you cant even promise will happen, living a fantasy or do you "cut loose and run", realise that its possible he could meet someone else whilst you wait then what will you do. you will be fukd really. - try to save urself from further heartache. its just so ... fukd because for once in my life i dnt know what to do or where to go with all this. its just to much. as two of my mates always said - What does it all mean..??
Well what does it mean? - Does it mean i "wait","cut and run", like will it even work a 3rd time. Do i even wanna try? "No matter what, were so gonna get together again and be together - its just what will happen" ..:: That was said to me a few times, well along those lines anyway and i think about it and it fills me with hope cause i love him so much, but also fills me with sadness. DO i know if this will happen - NO, can i guarantee this will happen - NO, Nothing in life is certain as i have learned and we just have to live it one day at a time cause really i could be clinging to false hope, but all that aside i know what is certain. My LOVE for sim, that boi was amazing in so many ways, and no matter how hard you try, no one will ever understand what we had, and thats what made it all so amazing.
HA i just realised how much i am doing my own fukn head in.
Bottom line is - The only person I want with me right now is simon. Just to feels his arms around me, holding me, kissing my neck like he always did - I just miss it all sooo much
Funny that i hardly ever used this thing before but someone told me on the weekend that its best to write things out, that way you feel like you are getting stuff off your chest. Thanks Crystel babe cause this has helped but as you know me i couldnt be assed writing, so have chosen typing. Same shit just different spelling really. oh p.s - ya new place in newtown, MWAH babe - fukn camp-o-rama
something though i would like to leave you with, and when i think of this i sorta know what direction i should maybe look at starting to head by anyways hows this :-
" Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'FUCK WHAT A RIDE' " thanks megs babe xo
thank you for reading
xo G ox