Short apology
I am an addict of narcotics, benzos, muscle relaxants, sleep, inactivity, and food. I caused my family and my friends and whoever took an interest in me pain. I am sorry. I have begun the path to true sobriety about a month ago, and I must now make amends.
I am sorry. I hurt those of you who cared for me. I lost my entire support system because of my shameful secret. I am so, so, so sorry.
True sorrow lies in action, and this is what it is: I have gotten off all drugs but Klonopin, which I will stop in three weeks (it is extremely dangerous to stop Klonopin cold turkey, or any other benzo like Xanax, Valium, and others. Don't do it without help. There is medical help and human support. Reach for it.). I have lost ten pounds. I have lost two dress sizes. I have started walking and biking. I will take in my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting, with courage and hope, Monday. Wish me luck. It will be painful for me to delve into why I let my addictions win for three years or more. Since I was pregnant with Cosi, maybe earlier. That totals 7 or more years of addiction to various drugs and activities.
My daughter has told me I am proud of her. My two youngest daughters have told me they love me more times in the last week than they have in the entire time they were alive. The forgiveness of children is boundless. Already, I know them better. I hope one day they understand and can forgive me.
But to you, those of you I stopped writing you and supporting, especially Stefan and my Corpus and poetry friends, I am deeply sorry. It was an addict stopped writing to you. It was an addict who stopped going out ever. It was an addict who stopped slamming. That addict is me.
I hope you forgive me, but that is for you to decide, and you don't need to tell me. The whole sordid story, except for something very private that doesn't directly deal with my addiction (though it does indirectly), is honestly told in the long post below. If you recognize yourself in that post, please contact me if you want help.
I am sorry. I hurt those of you who cared for me. I lost my entire support system because of my shameful secret. I am so, so, so sorry.
True sorrow lies in action, and this is what it is: I have gotten off all drugs but Klonopin, which I will stop in three weeks (it is extremely dangerous to stop Klonopin cold turkey, or any other benzo like Xanax, Valium, and others. Don't do it without help. There is medical help and human support. Reach for it.). I have lost ten pounds. I have lost two dress sizes. I have started walking and biking. I will take in my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting, with courage and hope, Monday. Wish me luck. It will be painful for me to delve into why I let my addictions win for three years or more. Since I was pregnant with Cosi, maybe earlier. That totals 7 or more years of addiction to various drugs and activities.
My daughter has told me I am proud of her. My two youngest daughters have told me they love me more times in the last week than they have in the entire time they were alive. The forgiveness of children is boundless. Already, I know them better. I hope one day they understand and can forgive me.
But to you, those of you I stopped writing you and supporting, especially Stefan and my Corpus and poetry friends, I am deeply sorry. It was an addict stopped writing to you. It was an addict who stopped going out ever. It was an addict who stopped slamming. That addict is me.
I hope you forgive me, but that is for you to decide, and you don't need to tell me. The whole sordid story, except for something very private that doesn't directly deal with my addiction (though it does indirectly), is honestly told in the long post below. If you recognize yourself in that post, please contact me if you want help.