The taste makes it all go away...
I don't quite have the patience to be upset or to show emotion anymore. and suddenly that makes me miserable. I believe the absence of happiness isn't always the presence of misery. I've been unbelievably pensive. Random quotes pop into my head that I did not react to properly here are a few.
"I really want you to come home with me."
and i wish i said "who the fuck do you think you are talking to me like that? i am NOT a prostitute. bye"
but instead I just laughed at him and shook my head "no".
"yeah that was really shitty the way you did that."
I should have said "what was I supposed to do? every single day my heart broke as you couldn't have the decency to CALL me or at least a goddamn text message. what was I supposed to do? I wish I had such horrid self-esteem that I thought thats what I deserved. because it seems to be all that I get. You hide away in your own little world and its so secretive. I want to help you. I want to save you. but you have to save yourself! I HATE the fact that I love you.
"You don't seem yourself anymore"
I really really wish I replied with
"you never fucking knew me."
anyway. so chad quit. out of the blue. just called and quit. I think its awesome that he's gone. Now i get more hours. he was a good friend for the time being. but he can be replaced just as quickly as his shifts were.
Lately the thought of dating makes me sick.
getting to know someone
while at the same point; they're probably talking to at least 5 others.
I don't like to be called sexy, hottie, cutie, any of that fucking bullshit.
i'm a fucking human being not a cock attached to one. I'm sick and tired of people making me feel like i'm a goddamn object rather than a heart.
my problem is i want to save the world. one person at a time. but i meet people and think they're good underneath it all. they nobody could possibly be so heartless. and i think maybe someday that i'll meet that ultimate bad boy, and i'll completely turn his life around but not really because its some whole scam on me the whole time. and when i find out and i hate him for it thats when he really loves me for trying but its too late or is it? yeah it sounds like every romantic comedy out there...but..it'd be nice.
they never turn the whole thing around though. they just leave. they dont care.
I want to stage a benefit for horatio's mom. he's so sad. i think that this can all be taken care of.
I'm so different from everyone else.
and i always wanted to be. but my naivity gets the best of me all the time. people talk shit about me. so much sometimes that i belive it.
nyka calls me two faced...am i? i start to overanalyze everything i've done. everything i've said and i find that i could be. or maybe not i dont know!
at least i really don't let these thoughts consume me or my state of being.
i just know one thing in life. I always thought it was the stage. it was the lights. it was that mic in my hand and i would sing so many songs. some bad, some really good. but i sang. and when i did that it would all go away. but a tear builds in my eye as i realize it was horatio and andrew...that really did it. that really took everything away. my two best friends constantly there everytime i sang. if i missed a note i'd look at them..they'd smile and it'd be okay.
i wish life was more supernatural.
i wish someone would discover magic again. the way terra once did. i want to devulge myself into a world of fantasy, of struggle and strife, passion and hope, beauty and despair. i want a journey that would be remembered for centuries. i'm no hero.
but i'll be your knight.
"I really want you to come home with me."
and i wish i said "who the fuck do you think you are talking to me like that? i am NOT a prostitute. bye"
but instead I just laughed at him and shook my head "no".
"yeah that was really shitty the way you did that."
I should have said "what was I supposed to do? every single day my heart broke as you couldn't have the decency to CALL me or at least a goddamn text message. what was I supposed to do? I wish I had such horrid self-esteem that I thought thats what I deserved. because it seems to be all that I get. You hide away in your own little world and its so secretive. I want to help you. I want to save you. but you have to save yourself! I HATE the fact that I love you.
"You don't seem yourself anymore"
I really really wish I replied with
"you never fucking knew me."
anyway. so chad quit. out of the blue. just called and quit. I think its awesome that he's gone. Now i get more hours. he was a good friend for the time being. but he can be replaced just as quickly as his shifts were.
Lately the thought of dating makes me sick.
getting to know someone
while at the same point; they're probably talking to at least 5 others.
I don't like to be called sexy, hottie, cutie, any of that fucking bullshit.
i'm a fucking human being not a cock attached to one. I'm sick and tired of people making me feel like i'm a goddamn object rather than a heart.
my problem is i want to save the world. one person at a time. but i meet people and think they're good underneath it all. they nobody could possibly be so heartless. and i think maybe someday that i'll meet that ultimate bad boy, and i'll completely turn his life around but not really because its some whole scam on me the whole time. and when i find out and i hate him for it thats when he really loves me for trying but its too late or is it? yeah it sounds like every romantic comedy out there...but..it'd be nice.
they never turn the whole thing around though. they just leave. they dont care.
I want to stage a benefit for horatio's mom. he's so sad. i think that this can all be taken care of.
I'm so different from everyone else.
and i always wanted to be. but my naivity gets the best of me all the time. people talk shit about me. so much sometimes that i belive it.
nyka calls me two faced...am i? i start to overanalyze everything i've done. everything i've said and i find that i could be. or maybe not i dont know!
at least i really don't let these thoughts consume me or my state of being.
i just know one thing in life. I always thought it was the stage. it was the lights. it was that mic in my hand and i would sing so many songs. some bad, some really good. but i sang. and when i did that it would all go away. but a tear builds in my eye as i realize it was horatio and andrew...that really did it. that really took everything away. my two best friends constantly there everytime i sang. if i missed a note i'd look at them..they'd smile and it'd be okay.
i wish life was more supernatural.
i wish someone would discover magic again. the way terra once did. i want to devulge myself into a world of fantasy, of struggle and strife, passion and hope, beauty and despair. i want a journey that would be remembered for centuries. i'm no hero.
but i'll be your knight.