you will love thiscarcar825April 17 2005, 03:42:15 UTC
LOL i know you will love this 50 Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church David Henley -Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell." -A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals". -Put stray dogs in coat closets. -Un-tune the piano. -Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven". -Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666. -Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?" -Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts. -Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?" -Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. -Start a wave. -Do cool things with the lighting. -When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff". -Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant. -When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?" -Make up your own words to the songs. -Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly. -Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service. -If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!" -Dress all in black, or in camo. -Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. -If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service. -If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, -wear a floral-print dress instead. -At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus. -Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks. -Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in. -Inflate balloons, then send them off. -Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons. -Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page. -Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face. -Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen. -During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago." -Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them. -Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen. -Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is. -When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number. -Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them. -Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!" -Blow bubbles. -Fake a possession. -Distribute condoms. -Speak in tongues. -Ask where the nearest ashtray is. -Drool in the collection plate. -Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians. -After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed. -Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry". -At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside. -Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor. -Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!" -Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
50 Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church
David Henley
-Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
-A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
-Put stray dogs in coat closets.
-Un-tune the piano.
-Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
-Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
-Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
-Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
-Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
-Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
-Start a wave.
-Do cool things with the lighting.
-When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
-Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
-When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
-Make up your own words to the songs.
-Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
-Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
-If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
-Dress all in black, or in camo.
-Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. -If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
-If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, -wear a floral-print dress instead.
-At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
-Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
-Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
-Inflate balloons, then send them off.
-Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
-Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
-Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
-Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
-During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
-Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
-Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
-Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
-When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
-Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
-Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
-Blow bubbles.
-Fake a possession.
-Distribute condoms.
-Speak in tongues.
-Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
-Drool in the collection plate.
-Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
-After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
-Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
-At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
-Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
-Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
-Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
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