AHBL transcript and mp3 (3/6) - Sebastian
Mp3 file download - 41 mins, 19 MB.
This actually followed Rob's session (which technically wasn't a panel), but I'll transcribe that tomorrow - I wanted to leave it a little longer to see if any more videos of Rob singing appear around the place!
Note: I’m sure it will astonish you to hear it, but this panel is definitely NSFW. And if the c-word offends you, or Gandalf/Sam/Frodo threesomes all acted out by one guy, this might not be your cup of tea. Also, [?] indicates that I can’t work out what was being said, [some words?] indicates that I’m not sure, but “some words” is my best guess (and matches my memory of the sense of what was being said, if not the exact wording). Feel free to suggest alternatives in comments.
Rob: Hi, how’s it going?(Cheers.) Alright, this is the good part. So we got the pictures out of the way, and now we get to hear the [?] talk. My favourite part of the day. And so... is everybody happy so far? everybody having a good time? (More cheers.) Thanks for those of you who were with me earlier, that was super fun, just to talk for a little bit, hang out, watch an episode, and remember all the parts. (Audience laughs, because he found when watching the episode that he’d forgotten a lot.) Alright! If you’re ready - are you ready to feel sexy? (Dead silence. Or possibly cheers and screaming, take your pick.) Let’s bring the sexy back.
Balthazar’s intro video plays.
Rob: Sexy. Oh my god, so sexy. Very sexy. Oh, sexy drinking!
You can tell the point at which we see Castiel stab Balthazar by the swearing and woe noises. It ruins the sweet illusion that that bit never happened.
Rob: Ladies and gentlemen, the man who put sexy back in sexy, the man who can make a [?] sexy, Mr Sebastian Roche!
Enter Sebastian, exit Rob.
Sebastian (singing): Bringing sexy back... LA LA LA LA LA LA ... sexy back, ‘cos I don’t know the words to the song ... Go ahead for me, come on, what are the words to the fucking song? But I’m bringing sexy back - (struts backwards into the podium in the middle of the stage) Ow! (pause) That was calculated. Hello, Melb....ourne! Hello Melb! Hello Melburnians! Melburnats! Melbanians! Albanians! No, that’s another country. Heheheheh. How are you? (Audience screaming.) Nice crowd! I can see some familiar faces here who were in Sydney just a minute ago. (chuckles) They were transported with the Star Trek thing. Transmogrifier? What is it, what is it called? (Someone calls out ‘transporter’.)Transporter! Thank you, darling! (deep sexy voice) Hello, I’m Benedict Cum-berbatch. (normal, over audience cheers) [I personally prefer?] Benedict Cuntberbatch. He’s the sexy one. (deep voice) Hello. I am... Khan. (normal) That’s Benedict Cumberbatch. The other one is (deep voice) Hello. I am... Khant. (normal) Terrible. Are there children in the audience? Too bad for you! Too bad for you, yes. This will be a clean panel, I promised. (Audience is highly amused but is not buying it for one minute.) Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Audience: Lies! Lies!
Sebastian: No no no! This will be a clean panel! (waits for reaction)
Audience laughs and groans.
Sebastian: No no, it’s gotta be better - “This will be a clean panel,” “awwww!”
Audience: Awwww!
Sebastian (brightly): That’s better! (very seriously, as per a formal announcement) This... will be... a clean panel. (then signals us by sweeping one arm into the air)
Audience: Awwww!
Sebastian realises that if he waves his arms up and down he can effectively conduct us, so he runs around for a while making different parts of the audience go WOOO at different pitches and volumes. I could transcribe this, but it would just be lots of “ooooooOOOOOOOOoooo” and giggling.
Sebastian (throughout this): That got a good reaction! I love controlling the crowd! I’ve done it many times, it’s fantastic! Come on! Let’s see who’s quicker! Hey, good, very good! Come on! What the fuck are you doing? No no no!
Sebastian (running up the steps on one side of the auditorium) OHMYGAWD! I just said “Ohmygod” Californian style. There’s some people that’ll know what I’m talking about. (panting) Fucking hell, that was hard. I didn’t do my - did you see me do my push-ups this morning? (running around the back of the auditorium) So now I’m going to do the whole panel running. It’s a first, everyone! (Starts down the other side, effectively moonwalking because the steps are so widely spaced, then moonwalks backward up the last few again.) Michael Jackson can’t do that! BECAUSE HE’S DEAD. Suck on it, Michael! (reaches the front again, panting, then puts on a bit of an Oxbridge accent.) So, the subject of the class today... Would you like to have me as a professor? (Audience cheers.) What do you want, though? What do you want me to teach?
Audience: Sex! Sex!
Sebastian (sternly): Who said sex? Stand up! Take your t-shirt off! Oh, she’s doing i- oh, you’ve got two t-shirts on, that’s not fair! (pause, as she sits down, then back to serious professor voice:) Sex. Today, we’re going to talk about... (which apparently is not fun enough because he switches into Deep Sexy Voice) Today... [I think I’ll use?] my sultry voice. My Frank’n’furter voice. What if I showed up and was like... (Frank’n’furter accent, smouldering look) “How d’you do? I see you’ve met my... (half singing) faithful handyman. He’s just a little brought down, because when you knocked he thought you were the... candyman. (singing) Don’t get strung out by the way I look! Don’t judge a book by its... cover! I may not be much of a man by the light of day, but by night I’m one hell of a lover! I’m just a sweet transvestite! Woo! From transexual Transylva-nia! So! Come up to the lab, and see what’s on the... slab! I see you shiver with antici... pation! But maybe the rain was really to blame, so I’ll remove the cause, but not the...?
Audience: Symptom!
Sebastian: Yeah! I’m just a sweet transvestite from transexual Melburnia! (speaking) Did you like it? That’s how I want to come back, on Supernatural. I want to come back as Frank’n’furter. “Hello! I’m Balthazar, and I’ve had a sex change.” It’d be rather funny, actually. I’d love to do that, I’d be like, “Hello, boys! Hello, Sam and Dean!” (as Dean, with his arms held out to indicate Big Butch Shoulders:) “Son of a bitch! Hey, man! What the fuck’s going on?” (disdainful voice, sounding almost French for some reason) “Who are you?” - that was Crowley - “who are you? You are sexy. And I’ve kissed a man once before. A very hairy man. Jim Beaver.” (as Balthazar:) “I love the name Beaver. I’ve got one right here. (pointing at - well, I don’t think you need me to tell you.) A fake one, of course. Because I’ve changed my sex. But I’ve kept the important part. Am I right, darling?” Did you like that? Are you enjoying that now? I am wet with anticipation... of the questions that are going to be asked. To me! No, actually, I’m a man. I’m a dude, I’m a dude! Any questions? That I will not answer. Hello, sweetpea. What’s your name?
Fan: Gen.
Sebastian (sultry): Gen. Hellooo, Gen.
Fan: Hi!
Sebastian (singing): Gen, Gen! Gen, Jenny!
Fan: You done?
Audience cheers her.
Sebastian: What was your question darling? Hah, I’m just doing the strut. I love the strut. Anybody got boots for me? High-heeled boots. You do? Oh, you do? Give them to me. No, I’m size twelve. Yes, big shoes... what? Big feet! Big shoes, big feet! What was your question, darling? (overriding her as she tries to ask) Or, as I call it, Zh-en! Because I have a special way of pronouncing names special to me only. Hng hng hng. I like this laugh - Tim Curry’s laugh - hng hng hng hng! Hello darling. Hurry up! What the fuck?
Fan: Where do you think angels go when they die?
Sebastian: Wouldn’t you like to know, darling? Where do angels go when they die? They go to Costco! “Oh, fuck, I’m dead! Oh, fuck, gotta do the cooking tonight! Never used to eat before, only used to snort cocaine off people, I used to drink Dom Perignon 1966, 67... now I gotta drink Costco champagne...” You know what Costco is, right?
Audience: Yes!
Sebastian: There’s not an equivalent here - is there an equivalent?
Audience: Costco!
Sebastian: Costco! I love the different names, you know - It’s Burger King in America, here’s it’s (surprisingly good but flinch-worthily broad Aussie accent) “Hungry Jacks! I got a great idea! Burger King - Hungry Jacks! Fantastic!” (as himself) That sounded like Crocodile Dundee. (Aussie accent) That’s not a knife... (suggestively, gesturing at crotch) That’s a knife.
Audience groans and laughs.
Sebastian (as himself): Sorry. But if I touch it... because the more you rub it, the bigger it grows. It’s like a Chia pet. Actually no, I have had an experience like that, but it was a sexual encounter. It was, I pulled down her knickers and then suddenly (mimes the sudden explosion of, presumably, pubic hair). Chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-chia! You do know what that means, do you? Terrible. Why are you laughing? I love Chias. What’s the next question? Whatsh the neksht queshtion? I’m turning into Sean Connery, fucking hell! “Bond, Jamesh Bond. Moneypenny? Yesh! Licensh to kill.” Yes, darling?
Silence.
Sebastian: Yes! Absolutely, I concur!
Someone finds her a microphone.
Fan: What made you want -
Sebastian: What’s your name, first? I love names. (as Eric Idle, Monty Python wink-wink-nudge-nudge style) She likes names, likes names, say n’more! Yes, darling?
Fan: My name’s Melissa.
Sebastian (sultry): Yes it is. Melissa! (singing) “Mélissa, métisse d'Ibiza! Elle [?] dévêtue. Mais ne dites pas que je dis ça, parce que Mélissa me tue!” It’s a French song! As you might have noticed. It’s a great French song! Anyone French here? (silence) No, they’re like, “Fucking Frenchies, no way!”. Melissa! (French accent) What is your question?
Fan: What made you want to play the role of Balthazar?
Sebastian (sultry): What do you think, darling? Money! No, no, no. No, actually, you know, I went into - I was doing Fringe in Vancouver - does...? (before he can ask whether we know it, everyone cheers) - Fringe! I was doing Fringe! I was playing a very bad person on Fringe - “wahahaha, I’m gonna kill you, boom ba ba” (mimes hitting people) - No, that wasn’t exactly the role, but that was like a concise of eight episodes in one “ba boh kill you gonna kill you hello darling boom...” I don’t know what I’m talking about, but - basically, I was doing Fringe in Vancouver, and my agent told me that there was an audition up for - some people probably know that - for the role of Balthazar on Supernatural, and I was like, “Fuck it, I’m not going on another audition for Supernatural! I auditioned for Crowley! I auditioned for fucking Lucifer! None of those fuckers got it!” I auditioned for something else, I think Gabriel? And I was like, “I’m not going again, they have to offer it to me”. And my manager was like (makes screeching noises, and mimes holding a phone away from his ear). Literally. And I was like, “Oh, fuck!” over the phone! And I went in and Bob Singer was there, and my first audition was terrible. I just sped through it, I couldn’t be bothered. Well, I could be bothered, but you know, I didn’t feel it. And he was like, “I never thought I’d say that to an actor, but please slow it down.” And - sorry - (burps) Much better. Everyone wants to hide their burps, but you know what? A burp is a natural thing! It’s like a fart! Except a fart, you know, leaves a little odour. Sometimes! I have really good farts. Especially just before we shoot. With Jared Padalecki it’s like, “Okay, aaaaand, action!” (quiet squeaky farting noise) So you’re like (pretends to be trying to hold in laughter), because a fart is always funny. It is. Isn’t it? I mean, look. (makes farting noise) See? Everyone laughs. So, I slowed it down and got the part. And at first I didn’t realise how good the part was. And I was doing this scene with Misha - my first scene was with Misha, the scene where I’m drinking and the guy swallowed toads? Do you remember?
Audience: Yes!
Sebastian: “Do you remember?” “No, of course not, we never watch Supernatural!” You probably know what pair of socks I was wearing. What pair of underwear I was wearing! None! Hah! And - and, er... what was I talking about? Fucking hell.
Audience: Misha!
Sebastian: What’s that? Yes! And Misha was like, “You know, I have the feeling that you’re going to be on for the season.” And he was right, and you know, and I started truly enjoying the role of Balthazar because he was very close to me. (He was almost serious for a moment there, but of course the audience laughs, and he chuckles and turns it around.) Because, you know, after snorting coke off twelve hookers, I went to set, had a little bit of Dom Perignon 196...6, because that’s a very good year - 67 was a little better - and then went to set and had a jolly good time. No, it was a great experience. Any other questions?
Con employee (she who chooses the next questioner and ferries the mike about and who is so good at being discreet and keeping out of the audience’s eyeline that the guys up the front keep not seeing where she is): Sebastian!
Sebastian: Yes, darling? She’s like, (whimpers and clutches at his shoulder) “CRAMPING.” She’s like these Indian sufis, you know, the guys who leave their hands up in the air for twenty years, and they can’t bring them down. It’s like... you’re always the guy at the back of the room who’s like “Yes? What was your question?” “I can’t take my hand down! I can’t! It’s dead! But I do this for the sake of spirituality. I can’t jack myself off with my left hand, so -” anyway. Sorry. Terrible. Any children in the audience? No. Sorry, sorry. Terrible. I promised it would be clean!
Fan: Hi, I’m Jess, before you ask -
Sebastian (deep): Hello. Hello... Jess. Hello. Jess. Jess. (sings) Jessie’s girl! I don’t know the words to that one either. Yes, darling?
Fan: You’ve worked on both Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries...
Sebastian: Yes!
Audience cheers.
Sebastian: Yes, I have!
Fan: ... which are both on the CW ...
Sebastian: Yes, they are!
Fan: ... and film in Vancouver, and ...
Sebastian: No! No, no, no, Vampire Diaries films in Atlanta. (American accent) Atlan’a! Hotlanna! (his own accent, sultry voice) Hotlanta. With Ian Somerhalder. (mimes dropping pants, audience whoops.) Yes, darling?
Fan: You’ve been on both shows, and they’re kind of similar in the supernaturalesque, and they’re with CW... what was the difference between coming to Supernatural, which has been a long-established set by the time you got there, compared to Vampire Diaries which was still kind of fresh, kind of new, and still working it out?
Sebastian: The thing is, I knew... I mean, going into Supernatural was amazing. It was one of the best experiences I’ve had as an actor, because, you know, you come in, and Jared and Jensen are like, (as Jensen) “Hey, howyadoin’ man?” (mimes having his hand squeezed too hard), crushes your paw - “ow, fuck!” - then Jared comes along and he’s like “Hey!” (mimes being crushed into an enormous hug) and you need, you know, back repair after him. No, they’re so welcoming, and they were amazing because I didn’t know anyone on the set. I knew Robert Singer, but... and that was an amazing experience. The character of Balthazar was the closest - (eyeing his microphone) fucking hell, this is loud, I like the echo - was the closest to me, and... When I went on Vampire Diaries it was the same - I knew Paul, Paul and I had worked before -
Someone enters at the back, trying to be discreet.
Sebastian (whispering): Please come in, ghost of Supernatural. Hello darling! How are you! Say hello, everyone!
Audience: HELLO!
Sebastian: How are you, darling? Good? Fantastic! Hello. Hello, girls. So, yeah, I mean, I knew Paul - and I knew Ian, actually, fairly well, so it was pretty easy actually for me to blend in. The role was kind of different - Mikael’s a bit more of a badass in terms of cruelty, you know, but in both series they built very interesting characters. I love the complexities of Balthazar, I love the complexities of Mikael, even though they - I think they both killed me too early, don’t you think?
Audience: YES!
Sebastian: Yes, I never know why they kill us so early. They’re like, “Oh, he’s doing wonderfully!” (stabs, makes dying noises) Let’s stick something up his arse. I got killed by two dildo-shaped things, both times. Did you see how I got killed in Vampire Diaries? That thing looked... peculiar. It was like “This from the tree that killed...” And it’s shaped like the rabbit. You know, there’s that one called the rabbit? (suddenly coy) I’ve heard! I’ve tried it once!
Audience makes predictable noises at the idea of Sebastian and a rabbit vibrator.
Sebastian: Is the question there?
Fan: Yes, hello!
Sebastian: Hello darling! (to the fan who asked the previous question) Does that answer your question?
Previous fan: Yes!
Sebastian (very pleased with himself): I’m actually answering questions today!
We reward him with cheers. Sebastian decides to conduct us a little more again.
Sebastian: That’s great! I like that!
Someone whistles.
Sebastian: Thank you! Thank you! Yes, darling?
Fan: Hello, my name is Kate.
Sebastian: Hello, Mynameskate! Yesterday I did - yesterday in Sydney I was like - this girl came up to the microphone, said “My name’s Alyshia,” and I was like “So, Alyshia, what’s your name?” That got the best laugh! I was like, “shit, I should do it again”. So, Kate, what’s your name? Oh yes, Kate. “Kate of Kate Hall?” That’s from Taming of the Shrew, for Shakespeare enthusiasts.
Kate tries to start her question, but Sebastian is busy with Shakespeare.
Sebastian: “Oh, that this too, too...” Who’s this? (deep voice) “Oh that this too, too, sullied flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!”
Various audience members: Hamlet!
Sebastian: No, that’s a terrible Gandalf. (deep voice) “Frodo! Come here, Frodo! Come to papa!” (puts his hand on an imaginary hobbit-height head and guides it toward his crotch) “Good boy! Good b- oh! Frodo!” (higher) “Oh! Mr Frodo-oh-oh! Mr Frodo!” Did you notice there’s a peculiar relationship between Sam and - “Ooooh, Mr Frodo!” - he’s always, like, you know, “Mr Frodo, let me help you! I will jump on your back!” And he’s like, (eerily good Elijah Wood voice) “Oh, Sam, Sam, I love you, Sam. Put the cockring on - uh, the Ring! The Ring! The Ring of Mordor! The - the Ring.” (chuckles) Terrible, terrible. Sorry. Sorry! “The cockring of the - the Ring! The Ring!” Yes, Kate? Did you have a question? It was about that, wasn’t it? She’s holding her arm, she’s like - (feigns propping a tired arm up over his head and waving it around) You’re going to end up like that sufi. “No, no, I don’t have a question, I just had my arm up.” Yes, darling?
Kate: Okay! Um...
Sebastian: She’s like, “Okay! Shut the fuck up! Calm down! Where are your pills?” Yes, darling?
Kate: If you could bring back Balthazar in your way, how would you decide to bring him back?
Sebastian: I told you how I’d like to bring him back! (crooning) I’m just a sweet Balthazar... I actually would love to come back as Balthazar, you know, me the actor but dressed up completely differently. I don’t know if anybody knows that play Sleuth? It’s an old play from the seventies - I know, you weren’t born then! Some of you were! What’s that?
Audience member: I’ve heard of it!
Sebastian: Yes, you’ve heard - she’s like, “I’ve still heard of it! Fuck you!” It’s with Michael Caine, Laurence Olivier, and you know, there’s basically a cat and mouse game, and in the second half of the game Michael Caine comes back as someone - you do not recognise him until three quarters of the way through the movie. And I’d love to come back as that. Now that I’ve told you.... no, but I’d love to come back as someone you’d never remember and suddenly you discover that it’s Balthazar. Does that - Do you like that? (audience cheers) Or do you just want me to come back and, you know, be “Hey! It’s me! Balthazar!” With a bandaid where Misha killed me. She likes it! She’s like, “That’s awesome”. An angel bandaid! (high-pitched, making little fluttery wing gestures) Oo-oo! I’m a bandaid! Ooo! (deeper, sultry) Come on my back, bandaid! (audience breaks down, Sebastian pretends to be scandalised that we would even think that) Not that way! A bandaid can’t come! Wait a minute! “Come on my back, bandaid!” Terrible. I make jokes without even meaning it. Hello, darling! How are you?
Fan: Hi, my name’s Caitlin!
Sebastian: Caitlin! Caitlin! Are you from [?]? Terrible Irish accent. I love the Northern Irish accent. (Irish:)“Hello? What’s your name? You can’t fucking understand what the fuck I’m talking about.”
Fan: So, Balthazar -
Sebastian: Baltie. Baltie, for the intimates. Call me Balt. Call me Buh. “Hello, I’m Buh!” Super sexy, isn’t it? I feel it! I feel it in my loins! Buh! B-uh! Oh! That was the long version. Can you just imagine - “what’s your name please?” at customs - “Buh! Ah! Ll! Sorry! Balthazar - Roche - no, Balthazar Smith. Hello, I’m B L R LbLRlbl R- Smith.” Yes, darling. What was your question?
Fan: So, you unsunk -
Sebastian: You? Me!
Fan: - Balthazar unsunk the Titanic -
Sebastian: Yes!
Fan: - so what event in history would you change, if you could?
Sebastian: I would change - what event in history would I change? A fun one... You know, no, Pompeii, prevent Pompeii from being submerged... what else would I, what even in history - yes, I know, prevent George W. Bush from being elected!
Audience cheers.
Sebastian: That’s a good one! Wow, that’s a good one! Or John Howard, for you guys. (mimicking Pauline Hanson) “Please explain!”
Audience cheers.
Sebastian: Yes, you know that one. “Please explain!” I remember those girls on Triple J (an Australian radio station) when I was doing Roar in 1997, way back in the old days - in the Cretaceous - yes, in the prehistoric days, I was doing Roar, a show called Roar. I had very long hair, I was always going like this: (flicks hair) “Hello, I’m Longinus, I’m bad, I’m going to throw my spear at you” - and Heath was in it, Heath Ledger, that we miss dearly, that I loved dearly - what was I talking about? Fucking hell. What was I talking about? 1997. Yeah, there were these girls on Triple J that, you know, were making fun - I love those girls! Where did they go? What happened to them? Those two women who were very funny.
Someone in audience: They got old.
Sebastian: How dare you! I’m getting old as we speak! (struts around with his chest puffed out, presumably to look young and virile) Yes, they got old. But they were funny! I remember that Pauline Hanson thing, she was a dumbass, wasn’t she? (audience makes approving noises of agreement because so think all right-thinking people) So Tony Abbott did something to Julia Gillard or something like that? Julia Gillard was like (Aussie accent) “Shut the fuck up, you cunt! You sexist bastard! I’ll kick your arse, you fucking bastard!” (pauses and looks at his hand) I just spat out something. Thanks, Rob!
Audience works it out fairly quickly and makes OH NO MORE BLOWJOB JOKES groans (you develop a very nuanced repertoire of groans around Sebastian).
Sebastian (chuckling happily): Terrible, terrible. Yes, darling, your quesiton?
Fan: Are you going to do a movie of Supernatural?
Sebastian: Am I going to do the movie of Supernatural - is there a movie of Supernatural in the works?
Audience: There should be!
Sebastian: Yes! Should I do a movie of Supernatural? Wait, wait -
Harnesses the whooping of the crowd again and makes them do a crescendo of “woooooooOOOOOOO!”
Sebastian: YES I SHOULD. (singing) Yes I should! Something got me started! Okay, whatever. Nobody knows what that is, they’re like, (American accent) “My God, he’s really way back into the eighties.” Oh no, wait, wait, no, Australian. (Aussie accent) “My God, he’s way back into the eighties!” Sorry. I was, like, in California. (Californian:) “OHGAWD. OHGAWWWD. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I mean I was like, I love Supernatural. Oh yeah! Oh yeah!” Yes, darling? Sorry, I have to go though. She’s like “can you get your fucking question in?”
Fan: I’m Hannah...
Sebastian: Hannah! (huffing suggestively on the first syllable) Hannah. Hannah. Hello, Hannah! HANNAHHANNAHHANNAHHANNAHHANNAH. Hello, Hannah. Yes, Hannah. What can I do for you?
Fan: If you weren’t an actor, what would you do with your life?
Sebastian: I would be in gaol. I wouldn’t even be in gaol, I would be in gaol in the gaol. No, if I wasn’t an actor I probably would be - actually, I’d probably be a professional adventurer. I’d be going - you know, the problem is I just don’t have time. I love doing extreme shit - not extreme shits (with helpful explanatory hand gesture), but extreme shit. Although I do do extreme shits! I go three times a day! It’s very good for you. And I look at them, and I go “ooh! Lovely today!” (peers into an imaginary toilet) You know, some people can read tea leaves? If you want, I can read your shit! Terrible. No, it’s not true. It’s a joke! A joke! “Sebastian can read shits.” That’s my new network: sebastianreadsshits.com. He’s making a fortune. Yes, darling?
Fan: My name’s -
Sebastian: Did I answer the question? I didn’t? Oh yes, no no no - adventurer! I’d be an adventurer. Yes, yes. (to the next questioner, who has a frog hat) What are you wearing? It’s either two eyes, or two frog boobs.
Fan: It’s a frog.
Sebastian: Oh, I love it! Love it. Beautiful.
Fan: My name’s Christa -
Sebastian (deep): Hello...
F (starts to speak)
Sebastian (deep): ... Christa! No, no, I hadn’t finished! You have to give me that. Helllllo! What if someone went Hell-lo? Helll-lllo? Sorry, that was terrible. Hello, Christa! How are you?
Fan: I’m very good, thank you, how are you?
Sebastian: Yes! I’m good, I’m very good! I’m gonna stand on this. I like being high, because...
Because that podium desk thing has been there for a whole half hour without being climbed on by Sebastian Roche, which is a terrible state of affairs that he proceeds to rectify at once.
Sebastian (trying to move some of the IT equipment, which is bolted to the table because this is a university lecture theatre we’re talking about): Why’s this glued to the fucking table? (then, realising how high he is, wobbling a little) Can I basejump this?
Enter Rob.
Sebastian (delightedly): Rob! I missed you! I missed you, baby!
Sebastian reaches down towards Rob, Rob reaches up to him, there is hand-kissing and it is all very sweet. So of course:
Sebastian: I just spat out something that you gave me. It was so good!
Rob (not quite getting it): Really?
Sebastian: Yes! You remember?
Rob: I told them this morning, I said, “He will hump this desk.”
Sebastian: Yes! Yes, I will. Thinking of you. You know what we had for breakfast? Well, it just came up.
Audience groans. Rob gets it.
Sebastian (chuckling happily): Terrible. Are we wrapping things up?
Rob: Five minutes?
Sebastian: Already?
Rob: You know what - Sebastian it’s - yes, five minutes, and I just like being near you.
Sebastian (beckoning him over to stand in front of the table): You do, I know you do. Come here. Come between my legs.
Poor Rob ends up in front of the table with his head just under Sebastian’s crotch. There may or may not be humping. See Rougevelvet’s photos of the hand-kissing, and poor traumatised Rob.
Sebastian: You are so scared right now. He is so scared right now, because this is radioactive. It’s like, (makes a purring noise). It’s got -
Rob (pretending to try to get away but having his head pulled by an unstoppable force back toward Sebastian’s crotch): It’s magnetic!
Sebastian: It’s got a GPS to find women! It’s got a special GPS, yes. Darling, did you - yes, froggy! What would you like - what question would you like to ask? I feel good here, because I have this inferiority complex. Because of my massive dick. Yes, darling, what was it?
Fan: If Balthazar hadn’t’ve been killed, what would he have been up to in later seasons?
Sebastian: In the...?
Fan: Later seasons - after.
Sebastian: Oh, after, after I got killed I did, uh... Vampire Diaries...
Fan: No, no, if Balthazar hadn’t been killed, what would the character have been -
Sebastian: Oh, what would the character have done? He would have taken - he would have married Jensen, had kids with Jared, adopted Misha - had sex with Rob, of course - and they would have started a whole new family, it would have been eight is [or eighties?] enough. But not for Balthazar. No, I think he would have carried on his shenanigans, and he would have grown in power, I think. You know, and him and Castiel would have lived happily ever after. Can you imagine the children of Castiel and Balthazar?
Audience screams.
Rob: Yeah, I think someone wrote about it somewhere online.
Sebastian: Yes, we’re trying to push the rumours, you know. Did you see the picture - yesterday’s picture? Wasn’t it lovely? Yes! Nine months, you’ll see what happens. Oh! I just felt it kick!
Rob: He’s carrying Sebastian’s child?
Sebastian: No no, no, I’m carrying his child. No, actually, we’re both carrying each other’s child. In our balls. So after nine months, we’re... (mimes walking very bow-legged) Because that’s the only way - that’s the only place you can, apparently. I’ve been told. You’re like, “Yeah, I’m pregnant, my first one, oof,” (tries to carry them) Sorry, terrible, terrible, very vulgar. Vulgar.
Rob: You gotta love it that the answers to your questions are like “What would I have done? We all would have had sex and made babies.” And then you’re like, “no, I’m just kidding, no, honestly, I think we would have - well, we probably would have pretty much had sex and made babies.”
Sebastian: I do not make sense! I’m another person in front of an audience! Did that answer your question, darling?
F (well, what else can you say?): Yes.
Sebastian: Yes? Yes - do - shall I answer a question through my dear Merry? (singing) Merry, can you hear me? Can you understand me?
Rob: Alright, we have time for just one more question.
Sebastian: ONE MORE QUESTION!
Rob: Okay, right here.
Fan: Hello, I’m Ainsley.
Sebastian: Ainsley! Hello! Hello, Ainsley. How do you do? (singing) I see you’ve met my faithful handyman! Don’t get strung up... Let’s do the time warp. Again! Yes, darling?
Rob, cast in the role of faithful handyman, does an elaborate bow and flourish and gets a big cheer.
Sebastian: What was it you said when I put my t-shirt on?
Rob: Yes, his t-shirts are all so wonderfully v-neck that you almost get the feeling that they start out as normal t-shirts at the begining of the day and then he puts them on and they go psssshfff. (mimes a t-shirt exploding outwards at the neck under the sheer weight of Sebastian’s awesomeness, or possibly salaciousness) But they make a sound like this - (orgasm voice) “OHGOD”. That shirt was a perfectly good t-shirt this morning - he put it on and it went OHGOD.
Sebastian (pretending to be a t-shirt): OHYEAH. Yes, darling?
Fan: My question is - you’re quite reserved and shy...
Sebastian: YES. It’s been hard all my life! (pretends to sob, then adjusts his crotch) Yes, it has! Yes, it’s semi right now. You’re good, you’re fast.
Fan: My question was, did you like extreme sports as a child?
Sebastian: Yes!
Fan: What’s the craziest thing you’ve got up to?
Sebastian: Well, uh - what’s the craziest thing, well, rock-climbing is pretty - I did actually do some free solo climbing recently in a place called Devil’s Punchbowl. Free solo climbing is without a rope, and I was inverted, on this climb that I know very well, and it was a bit stupid, because if I’d dropped, I would hav edied! And actually the last stupid thing I did was climb at (Rob starts laughing) - yes, we were all there! - I was going from Bondi to Bronte and I was like, (Aussie accent) “Ah! I’m going to climb this!” - Why did I have an Australian accent all of a sudden?
Rob: He fell on his arse! He was like -
Sebastian (sternly resuming the reins of the narrative): Then I go up! I go up and a piece comes off, and I fell - beautifully, I fell beautifully, right?
Rob: It was a gorgeous fall.
Sebastian: It was an amazing fall!
Rob: The thing is, we were just taking a walk and there were these things -
Sebastian: And I started climbing them, of course.
Rob: Right, and all of a sudden -
Sebastian: Because I climb anything that moves.
Rob: And there are other people trying to walk by, and - Richard says something like “Notice the Sebastian in his wild habitat” - and you’re hanging there, then all of a sudden it’s like -
Sebastian: And then the piece breaks, and I literally go - clunk.
Sebastian slow-mo ‘falls’ off the table.
Sebastian: Fine! I’m fine!
Rob: He goes “look at all the girls!” And then, like any brilliant man, he gets up and he’s like, “Alright, let’s do it again!” “No! No! You’re not -”
Sebastian: And I did do it again. You have to. It’s like when you fall off a horse. Yes. When you’re hung like a - no, no.
Rob: Ladies and gentlemen - Seb Roche!
Sebastian: Thank you very much!
Sebastian leaps on Rob and tackles him to the ground enthusiastically, possibly with humping. When they manage to disentangle:
Sebastian: Okay, he wants to be disinfected, right now. Bye!
Sebastian leaves.
Rob: Alright everybody, wow. I don’t know how we can top that. I’m pretty sure Sebastian just had sex with me. I was like, oh, this’ll be fun, I’ll just put my leg up on him, this will be OH GOD OH NO THIS IS NOT FUN ANYMORE. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. Anyways. What a fun morning, we’ve got so much more to do and it’s going to be so awesome. Just getting started really, but we’re going to take a lunch break - lunch is now - and we’re going to be back here in 45 minutes. So come back in 45 minutes, in time for a little Sheppard. Let’s get this party started!