Baby Doctor Day (and other stuffs)
Master and i go to see Baby Doctor again today. This appointment is for the monthy check-up, to make sure all is right with baby William, and that there are no problems since the last visit a couple of weeks ago. A few issues have come up that are going to be discussed with him, but nothing major or critical. Mostly, it involves changes that my body is beginning to go through (major indigestion, heavier discharge, and another issue i'd rather not say anything about because of the personal/TMI issue involved). W/we are also going to discuss birthing options (at least this is what i think was talked about last visit) and get a more clear vision of what will be taking place a few months from now. W/we were going to have the ultrasound to show if baby would be a boy or a girl, but that all took place last week with the special ultrasound. Now, W/we will be having another one next trimester just to make sure everything is fine with fluid levels as well as baby William.
i know i shouldn't feel this way, but i'm a bit anxious about going in this morning. i know one reason why i don't honestly want to go. It's called White Coat Syndrome. *ick* i hate doctors to the maximum degree. And of all things, it's killing me to have to go in all the time with the pregnancy. Yes, i know that there has been little poking/prodding on me, but i still feel like a human guinea pig each time i go in. Another reason why i am a bit hesitant about going in is due to not wanting to get any more bad news. Yes, everything is fine right now. i just don't want to get anything else that will send my stress and anxiety levels shooting sky high through the roof. The last couple of weeks about did me in, and i wouldn't be surprised if i didn't achieve getting some gray hairs from it. i know Master has a few more on His body, and i don't believe they were there a couple of weeks ago.
As to what i wrote about yesterday....
i appreciate all of the comments and suggestions made in regards to what Master and i experienced a couple of nights ago. Now, i don't necessarily agree with everything that was said, but do appreciate the thoughts that went into what was written in response. Master and i talked last night about all that transpired the night before, and both of U/us walked away from it with a clear/better understanding and appreciation for what happened. i understand now why Master did what He did, and why He was very clear with what His actions would be to help resolve the cut i made to my hand. He understands why i didn't take the issue of pain very well after His instance of doing it one specific way, and why i acted the way i did afterward. He understands that i did flash back to past times, and told me that i did tell Him i was flashing. i didn't realize this at the time, but He did let up some with what He was telling me, and began holding my hand and kissing my forehead to help bring me back out of the darkness that wanted to gobble me up. He could see how hard i was trying to stay in the here-and-now time, and made sure He was a constant reminder in the physical sense of showing me where i was with Him. He told me last night that even though i did get a bit harsh with my words, i did a good job handling the situation the way i did. i didn't push away from Him like i have done in the past. i shared feelings i was experiencing with Him. i didn't turn ugly and get physical with Him when He was physically close to me. i did a good job with making sure i expressed myself in a respectful manner with the words i did say to Him. He told me yesterday after i woke up from my nap (when my headache *finally* went away) that He was proud of how i handled myself the night before, and was proud of how i was working things out within myself with my journal entry yesterday.
Master told me last night while i was snuggled within His arms something that i'm still thinking about, and trying to get a better understanding of. (He also expressed this the night before, and it didn't really sink in.) He told me that even though He may not mean to treat me this way, there are times when He sees me as His little girl, and that it is His job and duty to make sure He solves all problems of the world that come up with me. Most things He's able to resist so that i can handle on my own, but when it comes to my health and safety, He takes control of things immediately. He said it's not that He feels i'm a child with life, but that it's His duty and responsibility to make sure my safety and well-being is taken care of by Him.
In perspective: i never really had a chance to be a child when i was young. i had to grow up way too fast, way too early in life. Yes, i have two wonderful, loving parents that are married to each other after nearly 30 years of marriage, and remain together day and night to this day. i have two wonderful older brothers that would do anything in the world to make sure i'm protected from the evils of the world, and any man that would want to try to break my heart. i have a great younger sister that looks up to me as her idol, and tries to live her life by my example, sharing all sorts of secrets and goodies with me as much as she possibly can. It sounds great now, and it is great. But, it hasn't always been like that. i won't explain why, but when i was a child, i wasn't allowed to be a child. my childhood was robbed from me at an extremely early age, and i was never able to get it back no matter how hard i tried. When that something happened, no one believed me, not even my own parents. It caused great strife and angst between my parents and i, and it has taken several years to make those ties again with them they way they should be between parents and children. i have worked very hard these last few years to not let what happened in the past rule what takes place today with them. Master has been such a gem with that as well, and my parents absolutely love Him to death. Master knows what happened so long ago that kept me from being able to grow up the way 'normal' children do. That is another reason why He sees me as such an 'innocent' soul that screams out for attention, yet i keep it hushed and silent so much. That is one of the reasons why He wants to make sure i am so well protected and safe with all of His might.
i'm not exactly sure where i was going with all of that. i guess in a way i felt i needed to explain myself a bit better about what i wrote last night. In a way, i felt i had to justify why things happened the way they did, and why i may not agree totally with what was responded with yesterday as well. i understand that i could have made it comment free, but i didn't. i wasn't asking any specific questions, or seeking any specific pieces of wisdom or advice. i wrote it yesterday because i needed to work out things in my mind, to help give myself a better perspective of the previous night's events so that i would be able to share those things with Master once He finally woke up and got moving for the day.
i need to get moving into a bath so that W/we won't be late for the appointment this morning. From what Master said yesterday, it looks as if W/we'll be able to get the statement from the doctor so that He can return to work next week. Yay!!! Persistance does pay off sometimes!!
P.S. Paps, i miss you so very much. It was one year ago today that we were told you were no longer in pain, no longer suffering, and that you were called Home. my heart aches because i feel i was never given the chance to say good-bye to you. i never had the chance to tell you how much i love you, how much i loved hearing your stories about what you did growing up, causing all sorts of grief for Aunt Dorothy, Aunt Hazel, Aunt Nellie, Uncle Clarance, Aunt Florence. i miss that smile of yours, the way you always knew how to make me laugh when i needed it the most, those wonderful earthy smoke rings you would blow just for me because i was that special girl of yours. my heart hurts so much this day, and the tears have started to fall yet again. i know it's a selfish thing to wish you were still here, but i'm only human, and sometimes it's hard to accept things that are beyond our reach, beyond our understanding, beyond our acceptance of the world we live in. i close my eyes right now, and i can see, smell, and feel you so close to me. i hope you are doing well, that there is no more pain or sickness, and that you can feel just how much you are loved by all of us. Please do watch over baby William, though i know it's a question i don't need to ask of you. i think you would be so proud to find out about him, to see pictures of him, and to feel him wiggling around inside of me. i pray he will look like you, act like you, be part of you, Paps. The world lost such a wonderful man when the One took you Home one year ago. You made such a difference to so many people. i miss you so much, and love you even more.
i know i shouldn't feel this way, but i'm a bit anxious about going in this morning. i know one reason why i don't honestly want to go. It's called White Coat Syndrome. *ick* i hate doctors to the maximum degree. And of all things, it's killing me to have to go in all the time with the pregnancy. Yes, i know that there has been little poking/prodding on me, but i still feel like a human guinea pig each time i go in. Another reason why i am a bit hesitant about going in is due to not wanting to get any more bad news. Yes, everything is fine right now. i just don't want to get anything else that will send my stress and anxiety levels shooting sky high through the roof. The last couple of weeks about did me in, and i wouldn't be surprised if i didn't achieve getting some gray hairs from it. i know Master has a few more on His body, and i don't believe they were there a couple of weeks ago.
As to what i wrote about yesterday....
i appreciate all of the comments and suggestions made in regards to what Master and i experienced a couple of nights ago. Now, i don't necessarily agree with everything that was said, but do appreciate the thoughts that went into what was written in response. Master and i talked last night about all that transpired the night before, and both of U/us walked away from it with a clear/better understanding and appreciation for what happened. i understand now why Master did what He did, and why He was very clear with what His actions would be to help resolve the cut i made to my hand. He understands why i didn't take the issue of pain very well after His instance of doing it one specific way, and why i acted the way i did afterward. He understands that i did flash back to past times, and told me that i did tell Him i was flashing. i didn't realize this at the time, but He did let up some with what He was telling me, and began holding my hand and kissing my forehead to help bring me back out of the darkness that wanted to gobble me up. He could see how hard i was trying to stay in the here-and-now time, and made sure He was a constant reminder in the physical sense of showing me where i was with Him. He told me last night that even though i did get a bit harsh with my words, i did a good job handling the situation the way i did. i didn't push away from Him like i have done in the past. i shared feelings i was experiencing with Him. i didn't turn ugly and get physical with Him when He was physically close to me. i did a good job with making sure i expressed myself in a respectful manner with the words i did say to Him. He told me yesterday after i woke up from my nap (when my headache *finally* went away) that He was proud of how i handled myself the night before, and was proud of how i was working things out within myself with my journal entry yesterday.
Master told me last night while i was snuggled within His arms something that i'm still thinking about, and trying to get a better understanding of. (He also expressed this the night before, and it didn't really sink in.) He told me that even though He may not mean to treat me this way, there are times when He sees me as His little girl, and that it is His job and duty to make sure He solves all problems of the world that come up with me. Most things He's able to resist so that i can handle on my own, but when it comes to my health and safety, He takes control of things immediately. He said it's not that He feels i'm a child with life, but that it's His duty and responsibility to make sure my safety and well-being is taken care of by Him.
In perspective: i never really had a chance to be a child when i was young. i had to grow up way too fast, way too early in life. Yes, i have two wonderful, loving parents that are married to each other after nearly 30 years of marriage, and remain together day and night to this day. i have two wonderful older brothers that would do anything in the world to make sure i'm protected from the evils of the world, and any man that would want to try to break my heart. i have a great younger sister that looks up to me as her idol, and tries to live her life by my example, sharing all sorts of secrets and goodies with me as much as she possibly can. It sounds great now, and it is great. But, it hasn't always been like that. i won't explain why, but when i was a child, i wasn't allowed to be a child. my childhood was robbed from me at an extremely early age, and i was never able to get it back no matter how hard i tried. When that something happened, no one believed me, not even my own parents. It caused great strife and angst between my parents and i, and it has taken several years to make those ties again with them they way they should be between parents and children. i have worked very hard these last few years to not let what happened in the past rule what takes place today with them. Master has been such a gem with that as well, and my parents absolutely love Him to death. Master knows what happened so long ago that kept me from being able to grow up the way 'normal' children do. That is another reason why He sees me as such an 'innocent' soul that screams out for attention, yet i keep it hushed and silent so much. That is one of the reasons why He wants to make sure i am so well protected and safe with all of His might.
i'm not exactly sure where i was going with all of that. i guess in a way i felt i needed to explain myself a bit better about what i wrote last night. In a way, i felt i had to justify why things happened the way they did, and why i may not agree totally with what was responded with yesterday as well. i understand that i could have made it comment free, but i didn't. i wasn't asking any specific questions, or seeking any specific pieces of wisdom or advice. i wrote it yesterday because i needed to work out things in my mind, to help give myself a better perspective of the previous night's events so that i would be able to share those things with Master once He finally woke up and got moving for the day.
i need to get moving into a bath so that W/we won't be late for the appointment this morning. From what Master said yesterday, it looks as if W/we'll be able to get the statement from the doctor so that He can return to work next week. Yay!!! Persistance does pay off sometimes!!
P.S. Paps, i miss you so very much. It was one year ago today that we were told you were no longer in pain, no longer suffering, and that you were called Home. my heart aches because i feel i was never given the chance to say good-bye to you. i never had the chance to tell you how much i love you, how much i loved hearing your stories about what you did growing up, causing all sorts of grief for Aunt Dorothy, Aunt Hazel, Aunt Nellie, Uncle Clarance, Aunt Florence. i miss that smile of yours, the way you always knew how to make me laugh when i needed it the most, those wonderful earthy smoke rings you would blow just for me because i was that special girl of yours. my heart hurts so much this day, and the tears have started to fall yet again. i know it's a selfish thing to wish you were still here, but i'm only human, and sometimes it's hard to accept things that are beyond our reach, beyond our understanding, beyond our acceptance of the world we live in. i close my eyes right now, and i can see, smell, and feel you so close to me. i hope you are doing well, that there is no more pain or sickness, and that you can feel just how much you are loved by all of us. Please do watch over baby William, though i know it's a question i don't need to ask of you. i think you would be so proud to find out about him, to see pictures of him, and to feel him wiggling around inside of me. i pray he will look like you, act like you, be part of you, Paps. The world lost such a wonderful man when the One took you Home one year ago. You made such a difference to so many people. i miss you so much, and love you even more.