Please don't feed the bitchy 27 year old
I haven't Blogged regularly since college. No one cares what I have to say and I'm not going to influence anyone's life with something groundbreaking or philisophically significant. I'm thinking about starting it again for my own benefit and hoping it might help me somehow. I might just bitch and moan everyday, however. Only one way to find out.
Yesterday started out crappy because of lack of sleep for me. I'd had less than two hours of sleep when I had to make sure Briell was awake for school because she speant the night. I was trying to help her study for a test the night before. That just made me feel bad because I couldn't remember anything about early American History. "Oh yeah. The Sons of Liberty. Didn't they.... Uh."
Mom wouldn't wake up to take her to school. I was already pissed off at her last night because she was drunk and she told Briell she would take her to school. But you're going to be late. Briell firmly says No, but of corse Mom has already retreated back into her room, the door shut. I'm steaming because my mom is such a fucking jack ass who doesn't give a shit abut anyone but herself anymore. And she wonders why all of us can't stand her and are constantly mad at her. "I don't do anything to anyone," she whines. Keep telling yourself that. You're in a dream world. You obviously don't care to nurture your youngest child and her education. And I know I'll be the one taking her to school the next morning. I'm also steaming because it's after 1 am and Briell doesn't even have her study guide done. I try to explain to her she can't depend on everyone else, she has to do these things for herself. That's why she gets in these prediciments. We've been through this before. Then she gets mad at me, throws a fit and screams about how she's stupid and can't do it without help.
I've only lived with my mom a bit over a month and I'm already at my limit of patience for dealing with stupidity and bullshit. My tolerance for a lot is stretched thin. I can barely stand everyday life. I wake up and think, damnit I'm awake. Another wonderful day to put up with. There's never any food either. Wtf.
But at any rate, I was a real bitch that morning because I was sleep deprived and had to drive. I feel bad for being mean to my sister but she doesn't make it easy to be nice. She flips out too and that of course just sets me off. Plus it was like an oven outside and my car doesn't have air condition. And it has a black interior and exterior.
There were over 500 patrons in the library yesterday, a majority coming through on the less staffed evening shift. We just kept getting slammed with huge returns and towering stacks of DVDs to put away because of the holiday. I can't wait until the security system is turned on and we don't have to take them in and out of binders anymore. It eats up so much time and just leaves feeling agitated at people for taking out so many at once.
One of my coworkers has been sick since last week. This morning I woke up with a sharp pain in my throat and my nose is stuffy. If I get worse than right now, and that's how it always goes (it is always mild to start and then I feel like death), I will just want to choke someone. I was really sick twice already this year with a horrible cold in Febuary, and then an aweful sinus infection something deal in March that lasted for over two weeks of misery.
I miss college because I felt productive. Going to class and such. I like learning. I think that fact is why I might make a good teacher, but I can't deal with stress or people coming at me in large numbers. I flip out and yell at people or break down. Why would I want to be a teacher anyway now. It seems like there is a war on education anyway. People think that all teachers don't do anything and sit around all summer doing nothing. Granted, like any field, you have people good at their job, and people bad at their job. But I don't want to put up with that. Jack ass parents plus buerocracy sounds soul cruching to me. But working in libraries can also be soul crushing. (I guess anything can be). I wish I could find something I love so much that I won't feel like that.
But the problem is I need to live. I need to be able to pay my bills, rent, fuel, food, car insurance, health insurance, clothing. Anything that I might like to do for work without being miserable and suicidal doesn't pay enough. Then I feel miserable and suicidal over that.
I get the whole "do what you love and the money won't matter camp." I was in that camp too. That's why I decided to drop being a school librarian and be a public librarian - one day to be a children's librarian. I graduated KU in 2008. And now here I am, disenchanted because the hours are too little. The pay is near non existant. Library boards are more often than not a pain the ass. Budgets keep getting cut when people need it most. Staffing gets smaller. But you have more people who need assistance job hunting, resume building, and other computer use because they've never done it before and every god damn thing these days requires you to have a computer and an internet connection.
"To do this you need to have an email address." "How do I do that?"
Agghhh! I'm sick of all this technology and I'm sick of the sense of entitlement everyone seems to have. I didn't get a cell phone until college. Kids who haven't even hit puberty yet with their fancy phones just piss me off.
I know I shouldn't say everyone. But As a whole, I have no respect for humanity. Maybe individualy there are a few gems, but as a species, we suck.
I won't ever be happy until I'm in a career that is worth while and respectable. And do to my unrealistic perfectionism, there isn't a whole lot I approve of. (Heh, it took me a while to find out I might be slightly snobby when it comes to job.) But I don't understand myself. I'm such a contradiction. I feel like nothing is every challenging enough for me. But then when things get difficult, I shut down. It feels like certain functions and processes of my brain have shut down and no longer work. I'm in a constant state of organization but yet everything is still a chaotic mess all around me. It doesn't make sense and I sometimes get so distressed I cry.
I wish I could just settle for something. Just be normal somehow and be ok with imperfection. But every little thing pisses me off and works me up. Add to that no self esteem and a lack of confidence, I can't visualize myself being successful in any career I consider. Critisism makes me feel like a failure and that I should just give up now because I'm no good for anything, I can't do anything right.
Yesterday started out crappy because of lack of sleep for me. I'd had less than two hours of sleep when I had to make sure Briell was awake for school because she speant the night. I was trying to help her study for a test the night before. That just made me feel bad because I couldn't remember anything about early American History. "Oh yeah. The Sons of Liberty. Didn't they.... Uh."
Mom wouldn't wake up to take her to school. I was already pissed off at her last night because she was drunk and she told Briell she would take her to school. But you're going to be late. Briell firmly says No, but of corse Mom has already retreated back into her room, the door shut. I'm steaming because my mom is such a fucking jack ass who doesn't give a shit abut anyone but herself anymore. And she wonders why all of us can't stand her and are constantly mad at her. "I don't do anything to anyone," she whines. Keep telling yourself that. You're in a dream world. You obviously don't care to nurture your youngest child and her education. And I know I'll be the one taking her to school the next morning. I'm also steaming because it's after 1 am and Briell doesn't even have her study guide done. I try to explain to her she can't depend on everyone else, she has to do these things for herself. That's why she gets in these prediciments. We've been through this before. Then she gets mad at me, throws a fit and screams about how she's stupid and can't do it without help.
I've only lived with my mom a bit over a month and I'm already at my limit of patience for dealing with stupidity and bullshit. My tolerance for a lot is stretched thin. I can barely stand everyday life. I wake up and think, damnit I'm awake. Another wonderful day to put up with. There's never any food either. Wtf.
But at any rate, I was a real bitch that morning because I was sleep deprived and had to drive. I feel bad for being mean to my sister but she doesn't make it easy to be nice. She flips out too and that of course just sets me off. Plus it was like an oven outside and my car doesn't have air condition. And it has a black interior and exterior.
There were over 500 patrons in the library yesterday, a majority coming through on the less staffed evening shift. We just kept getting slammed with huge returns and towering stacks of DVDs to put away because of the holiday. I can't wait until the security system is turned on and we don't have to take them in and out of binders anymore. It eats up so much time and just leaves feeling agitated at people for taking out so many at once.
One of my coworkers has been sick since last week. This morning I woke up with a sharp pain in my throat and my nose is stuffy. If I get worse than right now, and that's how it always goes (it is always mild to start and then I feel like death), I will just want to choke someone. I was really sick twice already this year with a horrible cold in Febuary, and then an aweful sinus infection something deal in March that lasted for over two weeks of misery.
I miss college because I felt productive. Going to class and such. I like learning. I think that fact is why I might make a good teacher, but I can't deal with stress or people coming at me in large numbers. I flip out and yell at people or break down. Why would I want to be a teacher anyway now. It seems like there is a war on education anyway. People think that all teachers don't do anything and sit around all summer doing nothing. Granted, like any field, you have people good at their job, and people bad at their job. But I don't want to put up with that. Jack ass parents plus buerocracy sounds soul cruching to me. But working in libraries can also be soul crushing. (I guess anything can be). I wish I could find something I love so much that I won't feel like that.
But the problem is I need to live. I need to be able to pay my bills, rent, fuel, food, car insurance, health insurance, clothing. Anything that I might like to do for work without being miserable and suicidal doesn't pay enough. Then I feel miserable and suicidal over that.
I get the whole "do what you love and the money won't matter camp." I was in that camp too. That's why I decided to drop being a school librarian and be a public librarian - one day to be a children's librarian. I graduated KU in 2008. And now here I am, disenchanted because the hours are too little. The pay is near non existant. Library boards are more often than not a pain the ass. Budgets keep getting cut when people need it most. Staffing gets smaller. But you have more people who need assistance job hunting, resume building, and other computer use because they've never done it before and every god damn thing these days requires you to have a computer and an internet connection.
"To do this you need to have an email address." "How do I do that?"
Agghhh! I'm sick of all this technology and I'm sick of the sense of entitlement everyone seems to have. I didn't get a cell phone until college. Kids who haven't even hit puberty yet with their fancy phones just piss me off.
I know I shouldn't say everyone. But As a whole, I have no respect for humanity. Maybe individualy there are a few gems, but as a species, we suck.
I won't ever be happy until I'm in a career that is worth while and respectable. And do to my unrealistic perfectionism, there isn't a whole lot I approve of. (Heh, it took me a while to find out I might be slightly snobby when it comes to job.) But I don't understand myself. I'm such a contradiction. I feel like nothing is every challenging enough for me. But then when things get difficult, I shut down. It feels like certain functions and processes of my brain have shut down and no longer work. I'm in a constant state of organization but yet everything is still a chaotic mess all around me. It doesn't make sense and I sometimes get so distressed I cry.
I wish I could just settle for something. Just be normal somehow and be ok with imperfection. But every little thing pisses me off and works me up. Add to that no self esteem and a lack of confidence, I can't visualize myself being successful in any career I consider. Critisism makes me feel like a failure and that I should just give up now because I'm no good for anything, I can't do anything right.