(no subject)
A friend once told me about the mini-pill, how it's the best birth control to take while nursing. Since I am, and have been, nursing my son that's what I elected to take. A little while ago I had sex. I was on the mini-pill.
HOWEVER, it (apparently) didn't work because now I am 11 weeks pregnant. I think for everyone in my life it won't be a shocker to know that's it is Brian's baby. Of course it is. As it happens, I'm a glutton for all things torturous.
I'm trying desperately to deal with this. To forgive myself enough to embrace this baby. But it's hard. I didn't want this. I finished school, got a job offer (they should be calling back Wednesday to set up the orientation) and hoped to move into a small house within the next few months.
This changes everything.
It hasn't went smoothly. Between the dizziness, headaches, nausea, sharp pains, etc., there are days when it takes everything I have to get up with Aidan and make sure he has a good baby day.
Today was ultrasound number three. I hate that. I hate putting the baby through it but...what are the alternatives, really? The first time was in the ER, where they found out the sharp pains came from a bladder infection. At the follow-up with my doctor, she found I also had a kidney infection. (Double-fuck. Seriously. It hurt.) At that point she had guessed the gestational age to be 12 weeks but was unable to find a heartbeat and after doing a pelvic exam told me I needed to "rush" to get an ultrasound after the appointment. I was freaking out. The pains, some spotting, everything made me feel like something wasn't right. BUT, of course it was. The baby was fine, strong, fast heartbeat.
Today they had scheduled me to do the first trimester screening ultrasound. I didn't oppose it, per say, but thought with the other two they'd be able to tell if something were wrong. I never stopped to think about how I measured at only 10 weeks and a few days during u/s 2. Sooo, today they told me I wasn't far enough along to perform the screening, they made me another appointment for two weeks from today.
I'm switching doctors to the group of physicians and midwives I saw while pregnant with Aidan. They were, for the most part, amazing. My appointment with them will be before the u/s, so if they don't think it's necessary I may bypass it. Maybe....it would be nice to know whether it's another boy or a girl bouncing around inside me. : )
I've only told three people. Brian, my sister and mom. Of course my mom absolutely had to tell everyone she works with and everyone at another store SO it won't be long before it's everywhere. I have reasons to believe my dad has already been told but it's been such a struggle for me to find the courage to do it myself. I know he'll be ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, etc. and honestly I can't blame him. I'm not as hopeful as my sister in thinking he'll recover from the shock and chose to continue to be a part of our lives. I'm convinced he won't.
But at this point, there is nothing I can do about it. I'm pregnant. Aidan will have a little brother/sister, our family will grow. (And I'll have a tubal ligation performed so it can stop growing right there..I know that sounds drastic but I didn't want another chid and am convinced, now at least, that I won't need to try for three.)
*Sigh*
I'm not sure what to do about anything. ANYTHING. Of course I let my brother use Aidan's crib for their new baby, and donated all of his baby clothes, toys, car seat, etc. OF COURSE! I even donated all of my maternity, bigger, clothes. The list is so long of things will need and I'm reluctant to get started with anything. I'm....ugh. I don't konw what I am. I really am excited but I feel like I shouldn't be. Like I've broken so many standards I should've set for myself that I shouldn't feel anything but regret, which is something I can not make myself feel.
There are a lot of decisions to be made and I'm so testy with everyone, especially Brian-whose sperm can swim through any fucking barrier, that I know it's not the best time to make them.
I'm so worried about how Aidan will handle this. He's literally had all of my attention for 19 months, save school and clinicals. We have extensive story times, on warm days are always outside playing, we play trucks, fireman, whatever all day. He helps me clean, or TRIES to. He is still nursing and we have always slept together in my bed. (His toddler bed is only used for our story times. We both lay down in it while we read, it's become an excellent way for him to wind down before bedtime.) I don't know how he'll adjust to not having all of mommy's time. The only people in my life who I could talk with about it are my brother and sister-in-law. They recently had their second girl, their first is only five days younger than Aidan. BUT, for one, they (as far as I know) don't know yet. Two, their parenting style is 100 percent different from mine so their first child's behavior toward her parents is different than Aidan's toward me, and Brian really-he loves his daddy to pieces.
The fact is everything is going to change and I'm worried BOTH Aidan and myself may not be capable of adjusting. I'm sure, after he learns how helpful he can be in his big-sibling role he'll be fine. But...how do I handle to children? A toddler and a new born?? I really, really don't know.
HOWEVER, it (apparently) didn't work because now I am 11 weeks pregnant. I think for everyone in my life it won't be a shocker to know that's it is Brian's baby. Of course it is. As it happens, I'm a glutton for all things torturous.
I'm trying desperately to deal with this. To forgive myself enough to embrace this baby. But it's hard. I didn't want this. I finished school, got a job offer (they should be calling back Wednesday to set up the orientation) and hoped to move into a small house within the next few months.
This changes everything.
It hasn't went smoothly. Between the dizziness, headaches, nausea, sharp pains, etc., there are days when it takes everything I have to get up with Aidan and make sure he has a good baby day.
Today was ultrasound number three. I hate that. I hate putting the baby through it but...what are the alternatives, really? The first time was in the ER, where they found out the sharp pains came from a bladder infection. At the follow-up with my doctor, she found I also had a kidney infection. (Double-fuck. Seriously. It hurt.) At that point she had guessed the gestational age to be 12 weeks but was unable to find a heartbeat and after doing a pelvic exam told me I needed to "rush" to get an ultrasound after the appointment. I was freaking out. The pains, some spotting, everything made me feel like something wasn't right. BUT, of course it was. The baby was fine, strong, fast heartbeat.
Today they had scheduled me to do the first trimester screening ultrasound. I didn't oppose it, per say, but thought with the other two they'd be able to tell if something were wrong. I never stopped to think about how I measured at only 10 weeks and a few days during u/s 2. Sooo, today they told me I wasn't far enough along to perform the screening, they made me another appointment for two weeks from today.
I'm switching doctors to the group of physicians and midwives I saw while pregnant with Aidan. They were, for the most part, amazing. My appointment with them will be before the u/s, so if they don't think it's necessary I may bypass it. Maybe....it would be nice to know whether it's another boy or a girl bouncing around inside me. : )
I've only told three people. Brian, my sister and mom. Of course my mom absolutely had to tell everyone she works with and everyone at another store SO it won't be long before it's everywhere. I have reasons to believe my dad has already been told but it's been such a struggle for me to find the courage to do it myself. I know he'll be ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, etc. and honestly I can't blame him. I'm not as hopeful as my sister in thinking he'll recover from the shock and chose to continue to be a part of our lives. I'm convinced he won't.
But at this point, there is nothing I can do about it. I'm pregnant. Aidan will have a little brother/sister, our family will grow. (And I'll have a tubal ligation performed so it can stop growing right there..I know that sounds drastic but I didn't want another chid and am convinced, now at least, that I won't need to try for three.)
*Sigh*
I'm not sure what to do about anything. ANYTHING. Of course I let my brother use Aidan's crib for their new baby, and donated all of his baby clothes, toys, car seat, etc. OF COURSE! I even donated all of my maternity, bigger, clothes. The list is so long of things will need and I'm reluctant to get started with anything. I'm....ugh. I don't konw what I am. I really am excited but I feel like I shouldn't be. Like I've broken so many standards I should've set for myself that I shouldn't feel anything but regret, which is something I can not make myself feel.
There are a lot of decisions to be made and I'm so testy with everyone, especially Brian-whose sperm can swim through any fucking barrier, that I know it's not the best time to make them.
I'm so worried about how Aidan will handle this. He's literally had all of my attention for 19 months, save school and clinicals. We have extensive story times, on warm days are always outside playing, we play trucks, fireman, whatever all day. He helps me clean, or TRIES to. He is still nursing and we have always slept together in my bed. (His toddler bed is only used for our story times. We both lay down in it while we read, it's become an excellent way for him to wind down before bedtime.) I don't know how he'll adjust to not having all of mommy's time. The only people in my life who I could talk with about it are my brother and sister-in-law. They recently had their second girl, their first is only five days younger than Aidan. BUT, for one, they (as far as I know) don't know yet. Two, their parenting style is 100 percent different from mine so their first child's behavior toward her parents is different than Aidan's toward me, and Brian really-he loves his daddy to pieces.
The fact is everything is going to change and I'm worried BOTH Aidan and myself may not be capable of adjusting. I'm sure, after he learns how helpful he can be in his big-sibling role he'll be fine. But...how do I handle to children? A toddler and a new born?? I really, really don't know.