(no subject)
I'm currently in a terrible mood & I feel the need to say it all out somewhere quickly before getting back to my work, so hello livejournal. Seriously, I don't get why my mum can never understand what I'm going through & encourage me to go on, instead of always putting me down. To me, results are always one of the most sensitive issues. That explains why I can't talk to her properly about them, because I'm so afraid of what she and dad would think about it, about me, about my attitude, everything. It hurts so much when she goes on rattling and rattling, not sparing a thought for my feelings at all. And the worst is, she thinks my crying's fake. Fuck her. I'm sad enough, okay? & I don't cry easily, unless I really can't take it anymore. Alright it's not as if my results were really bad, but I guess their expectations are too high. & that's probably the reason why I'm such a perfectionist I am today, having high expectations of myself, and being so weak at times, breaking down when I've finally realised how I can't debate as well in Mandarin anymore. I'm trying very hard, I'm slowly improving, but they don't see it. When I got back my PPR, I admit I was quite disappointed, but deep down I knew I could do better. So I set a goal for myself, telling myself to work harder & forget about the results because next term's will be better. What happened to all that? They crumbled before her words, & she made me feel so worthless. It's hard to explain how sour my heart felt. Ugh, disgustingly gross.
Life sucks, I hate going to school, I feel like killing everyone. I'm so tired of going to school, wtf. I know being like this is so not going to work out at all, but I'm sure I'll get back on my feet very soon. Haha, just forget about the disappointments and tiredness you know. It's not as if people care, but I'm doing all this for the sake of myself. I know I can do better than this.
It's also untimely to know how much influence you still have on me, & how I can never be what I am when you're with me, or even when you're there. I just screw up, hahaha. Hilariously gross.
I know it's stupid but twice today, I told myself that if I counted to ten & within those seconds you appeared, it means I shouldn't get over you. & both times, you really appeared, even though I truly didn't expect to see you. Hahah, amazing.
Oh, and don't try to guess who the 'you'-s are in this post. They're different, and are probably not you, the one reading it.
Other than these kind of stupid dumbass stuffs, things have actually been real fine. (: Really. Koucaizu rocks & I really love the people in it so much, the sec fours rock & the juniors are super cute. If you know the kind of stuffs we do inside, I know you'd definitely be jealous. Yesterday I laughed so much until my stomache ached so much. I love the sec fours, Sally Cecilia Monica Peiyi Jieying, and all the other juniors so much. What would life be without them, hurr.
Okay bye, my brother's back & I don't want him to see this...
I'll delete this post soon (: