(no subject)
The specialist today sent them to the cancer center. They have an appointment first thing tomorrow morning. What was initially thought to be several lesions are hundreds. She has no idea what it means. I do. I broke down after I got off the phone. She suspects, but she doesn't know, nobody will tell her. I can't say anything, I don't want to scare her, plus I don't know for sure, not without the tests and they haven't even done a fucking biopsy. Fucking slow doctors. Mom asked me if she needed to hire a temp to fill in, she knows I'll be gone a lot longer than a week. I'm considering moving down there. If it's as bad as I'm fearing it is, then I may just do that. It means quite literally months for her. I can't leave Lisa to deal with this alone, I just can't. And I have to see my baby girl. She has no idea how bad it is, Lisa won't tell her, at least until they hear it straight from the cancer center what the prognosis is. Up till now, nobody will give her a direct answer, which is good. Since they don't know anything and won't until they do a biopsy at least. They should have done that by now! If it is that bad, they won't even bother with surgery, because it can make it spread faster and actually shorten her life span.
Fucked up.
I just keep picturing her from a baby on. From that sweet little baby girl with her short blond hair giggling at me from her high chair and throwing her baby food at us. She hated it and only wanted big people food. To the little girl that ran around holding my son's hand and playing games with him. They used to sing along with Barney though they deny it now. All her 17 years of life that I've known her, this is a slap in the face. I still can't grasp it. It just isn't real. It can't be.
And Lisa, who has been through so much shit in her life. Why her? What the fuck? Why does this shit happen? There is no sense to it, none.
I don't think I can tell Dre'. I have to. I'm putting it off until the last minute. Until I have our bags packed for Florida. I told Lisa I was coming down and she said not to book the tickets yet, to wait until she sees the doctors tomorrow. She has a temper, and already went off in the office today. She'll flip out tomorrow, I know she will. She won't like what they'll say. Fuck. All this stress. She was crying, or maybe it was just the stress in her voice. She tried to laugh a little, told me how she's making light of it with her daughter to keep her spirits up. But the stress in her voice is tearing me up. I need to be there with her. I told her I'm coming Friday anyway, she insists I wait. I don't think I will. I'll probably go anyway. I just can't leave her. I feel guilty as it is, I should be there with her -now- during these appointments.
Fuck fuck fuck. Stupid fucking shit. This is so messed up. This shit shouldn't be happening to them.
Fucked up.
I just keep picturing her from a baby on. From that sweet little baby girl with her short blond hair giggling at me from her high chair and throwing her baby food at us. She hated it and only wanted big people food. To the little girl that ran around holding my son's hand and playing games with him. They used to sing along with Barney though they deny it now. All her 17 years of life that I've known her, this is a slap in the face. I still can't grasp it. It just isn't real. It can't be.
And Lisa, who has been through so much shit in her life. Why her? What the fuck? Why does this shit happen? There is no sense to it, none.
I don't think I can tell Dre'. I have to. I'm putting it off until the last minute. Until I have our bags packed for Florida. I told Lisa I was coming down and she said not to book the tickets yet, to wait until she sees the doctors tomorrow. She has a temper, and already went off in the office today. She'll flip out tomorrow, I know she will. She won't like what they'll say. Fuck. All this stress. She was crying, or maybe it was just the stress in her voice. She tried to laugh a little, told me how she's making light of it with her daughter to keep her spirits up. But the stress in her voice is tearing me up. I need to be there with her. I told her I'm coming Friday anyway, she insists I wait. I don't think I will. I'll probably go anyway. I just can't leave her. I feel guilty as it is, I should be there with her -now- during these appointments.
Fuck fuck fuck. Stupid fucking shit. This is so messed up. This shit shouldn't be happening to them.