la dee dah
Hiya! did you know it was my T day a couple weeks ago? As of October 25th I've been using testosterone for a year... how about that.. how time flies...
been mad reclusive lately. feelin vulnerable. what can I say. was just telling Emily today that I think its partially cuz the classes I go to with Eva are pretty triggering for me, I feel really intense things about them and during them and it's kind of exhausting. Her classes in case you don't know/remember are Human Sexuality and Gender and Education. So there's a lot to get pissed and wounded about. I already have a kind of hard time being trans, still beat myself up a lot over it and question myself a lot, go back and forth between shame and pride, and feel scared. So going to these uber-gendered classes which act like I don't exist is really just fucking my brain/feelings in bad ways I think. Maybe this is why I never took gender studies in college? I don't know. But it's hard. Especially since I'm all NOT A STUDENT! and feel weird participating and being there and my role is just... not clear. So I feel uber super vulnerable, on top of the usual trust weirdness when talking in front of many semi-strangers, I'm all trans and not a student. Blah. I should not make mountains out of mole hills, and I think it'll be easier to see things as they are now that I have more awareness of how I'm feeling and why. School can be very social, and being very social can be very draining. I forget this sometimes.
I need to get my ass back to transrap sometime soon, cuz I miss safe space where I feel NOT freakish. But I had a workshop this week and another next tuesday so it will be a while. Plus the cold weather is discouraging for us motorcyclists. Alas.
My cat is so cute, sitting up on my lap, looking at everything. I can kiss her head without moving very much, I like that and I think she does too. lil purrball.
gender identity update - I often forget what I last identified as, fyi. right now I feel like a passing butch, someone who's mostly comfy being female and masculine, but prefers to interact with the world of anonymity as a man, cuz that actually works and doesn't involve constant disapproval and social agony. Yes, I wonder if this is silly, weak, and going to be unsatisfying on a long term basis. But for now, it's really helped open me up. I have no regrets so far, and am still excited at the new ways I'm experiencing my masculinities AND my feminities. I feel more comfy overall, for whatever reasons, as Daniel (right now). And I think it's okay to do what feels good with my gender and figure it out as I go. Cuz we're all molded constantly by society and forced to make decisions that aren't fair and change lots of incidental things that aren't under our control. There's no escaping that, no matter how much you educate yourself about how many gender systems situations or expressions. We still must live, day to day. And I don't want to be another self hating self abusing self medicating statistic. I'd rather be sane with some vices than insane and living by the purest set of standards. Speaking of which, has anyone else seen the recent french film la pianiste (the piano teacher) ?
been mad reclusive lately. feelin vulnerable. what can I say. was just telling Emily today that I think its partially cuz the classes I go to with Eva are pretty triggering for me, I feel really intense things about them and during them and it's kind of exhausting. Her classes in case you don't know/remember are Human Sexuality and Gender and Education. So there's a lot to get pissed and wounded about. I already have a kind of hard time being trans, still beat myself up a lot over it and question myself a lot, go back and forth between shame and pride, and feel scared. So going to these uber-gendered classes which act like I don't exist is really just fucking my brain/feelings in bad ways I think. Maybe this is why I never took gender studies in college? I don't know. But it's hard. Especially since I'm all NOT A STUDENT! and feel weird participating and being there and my role is just... not clear. So I feel uber super vulnerable, on top of the usual trust weirdness when talking in front of many semi-strangers, I'm all trans and not a student. Blah. I should not make mountains out of mole hills, and I think it'll be easier to see things as they are now that I have more awareness of how I'm feeling and why. School can be very social, and being very social can be very draining. I forget this sometimes.
I need to get my ass back to transrap sometime soon, cuz I miss safe space where I feel NOT freakish. But I had a workshop this week and another next tuesday so it will be a while. Plus the cold weather is discouraging for us motorcyclists. Alas.
My cat is so cute, sitting up on my lap, looking at everything. I can kiss her head without moving very much, I like that and I think she does too. lil purrball.
gender identity update - I often forget what I last identified as, fyi. right now I feel like a passing butch, someone who's mostly comfy being female and masculine, but prefers to interact with the world of anonymity as a man, cuz that actually works and doesn't involve constant disapproval and social agony. Yes, I wonder if this is silly, weak, and going to be unsatisfying on a long term basis. But for now, it's really helped open me up. I have no regrets so far, and am still excited at the new ways I'm experiencing my masculinities AND my feminities. I feel more comfy overall, for whatever reasons, as Daniel (right now). And I think it's okay to do what feels good with my gender and figure it out as I go. Cuz we're all molded constantly by society and forced to make decisions that aren't fair and change lots of incidental things that aren't under our control. There's no escaping that, no matter how much you educate yourself about how many gender systems situations or expressions. We still must live, day to day. And I don't want to be another self hating self abusing self medicating statistic. I'd rather be sane with some vices than insane and living by the purest set of standards. Speaking of which, has anyone else seen the recent french film la pianiste (the piano teacher) ?