Somewhere With You, Chapter Twenty-four
The water shuts off and Heath forces himself back into the here and now, gets down a cup for himself and a to-go mug for Jake just in case he stops long enough to take it. Heath knows he’ll have to come into the kitchen for at least a minute since his laptop is still charging on the counter. On impulse, he pulls two bills from his wallet and lays them on top of the computer. It’s way too late to worry about the vibe - he’s already shot that all to hell - but he still worries about Jake. Seeing him on the job yesterday gave Heath a whole new appreciation for how hard he has to work to stay afloat. The money means nothing to Heath but it might save Jake from at least one nasty encounter, and if it does, then it’s worth it.
Within a couple of minutes he hears Jake’s boots on the stairs and his heart starts to thud and his dick begins to twitch hopefully, totally oblivious to the Sex Embargo Heath is trying so hard to institute. In retrospect, it feels kind of self-defeating to cut himself off right now if, after today, he’s going to go cold-turkey anyway. What would one more time matter in the big scheme of things, especially since Jake was all for it? Quitters usually go out with a bang… smokers quit after one last cigarette. Drinkers give it up after one too many bad drunks. Even condemned prisoners get one last meal.
And yeah, maybe that’s taking it a little bit to the extreme, but as Jake rounds the corner, his face hard and cold, wearing his thin leather jacket instead of the heavy coat Heath gave him, and clearly ready to get the fuck out of there, Heath thinks he probably wouldn’t feel much worse if he were in jail. If he was on death row, then yes, that would be worse, but regular jail probably wouldn’t be much more awful than the feeling of Fuck Me that’s coursing through him as Jake stalks past him without a word to get his computer.
The coffee pot gurgles, giving Heath a conversational nudge. “I made coffee.”
“Congratulations,” Jake snaps as he jerks the cord out of the wall and wraps it quickly around his fist.
“Here’s a travel mug if you want to fix a cup to go,” he says, pushing the mug a few inches down the counter, but Jake ignores it, focused on the money Heath left on his laptop.
“Seriously?” He snatches the money up and tosses it on the counter by the mug like it’s contaminated, his lip curled in distaste. “I’m not taking this. We didn’t even do anything.”
Heath is already regretting that move but he’s pretty sure it’s way too late to revisit the issue. “You came. That counts for something.”
Jake turns to look at him over his shoulder, blue eyes narrow and hot with anger. “I came twice, actually, but neither time was with you and you don’t hafta pay me to jerk off in your shower all by myself.”
That catches Heath off-guard and he gapes, fish-mouthed. “Really?” is all he can think of to say when his brain finally gets back on-line, his conversational skills at an all-time low this morning.
“Yeah.” Jake shoves his laptop into the bag and zips it up, cocks one eyebrow at him, taunting. “What? You don’t think I want it just like everybody else?”
Heath rubs his damp palms down his thighs, which causes his jeans to pull and aggravate his dick. He stands up straight and tries not to fidget under Jake’s scornful gaze. Jake is seconds away from leaving and all the great intentions Heath heaped up earlier are wilting in the face of his insatiable need for this gorgeous man.
“Umm… I guess I just thought you were probably sick of it, or that maybe you had to save it for work.”
“Fuck no, I’m not sick of it. I’m sick of sucking disgusting dicks and getting fucked by assholes, but I’m not dead. I still like to get off as much as anybody.”
Jake sets his laptop bag on the island and reaches for the mug Heath sat out for him. Heath slides out of the way, but not too far. His conversational skills might be lagging but his brain hasn’t completely flat-lined, and the fact that Jake is hanging around long enough to get coffee and not slamming out the door means he might still have a chance to salvage something out of this.
“But don’t you have to be ready?” Heath asks, a little bit curious but mostly just to keep him talking.
Jake snorts at that. “You’re the only guy who’s made me come in weeks. Mostly it’s just about them getting off. There’s a couple guys who want me to come ‘cause they like the way it feels when they fuck me, but they’re not regulars.”
Heath recalls the one time he fucked Jake, about how it felt when Jake came, his body squeezing him tightly, sending Heath flying even higher from the thrill of giving Jake that pleasure, and he’s immediately swamped with a wash of feelings - good ones from the memory and bad ones knowing that other men get to feel that too. Heath’s never been possessive before, but then he’s never gotten involved at this level. Love makes people crazy, and obviously he’s no exception to the rule.
“What about other guys?” he asks, edging closer. “Guys who aren’t paying for it?” Jake either doesn’t notice Heath crowding him or just chooses to ignore it as he turns the sugar dispenser up and morphs his coffee into the caffeinated syrup he seems to like.
“I already told you I don’t date.” He pulls a knife out of the block and stirs. “And I haven’t hit the bars lately, either, so there haven’t been any other guys.” The knife clatters when he drops it on the counter. He gives Heath an accusing glare as he snaps the lid on his cup. “I thought I had that situation taken care of, but I guess I was wrong.”
There’s no right answer and there’s no way to win. If he sends Jake away he has to start over, but if he hangs on, then at some point he’s going to get his heart stomped into a million pieces and still have to start over anyway. These are indisputable facts. But he’s horny and Jake’s pissed because he’s not putting out and while Heath has walked away from dozens of women giving him that angry-slash-disappointed look, he can’t stand it coming from Jake. At this point, how much worse can things actually get if they fuck around one more time?
Before he can seventeenth guess himself, he grabs Jake by the hips and pins him against the counter. Jake’s eyes fly wide but he doesn’t fight him and Heath goes straight for what he wants, steps between his legs and grinds his cock against Jake’s crotch, glorying in the soft sigh he hears whisper off Jake’s lips.
“I’m trying so hard not to want this, but goddamn, I can’t help myself,” he murmurs, mouth flush up against Jake’s ear.
“I don’t know what you want me to do,” Jake whispers back, but his hands slip down Heath’s sides and he pulls him in. Heath can feel the answering hardness between his legs and he thanks God for the recovery time of twenty-one year olds.
“There’s nothing you can do. This doesn’t change anything. I know it’s fucked up but just give me this now, one more time. Please…” Heath’s not used to begging but Jake’s an exception to all his rules.
“Fuck! I’m gonna be late,” Jake protests but he’s not pushing Heath away and Heath mutters, “Yeah, me too,” but the words come out against Jake’s lips, and then they’re kissing and Jake’s unzipping Heath’s pants and Heath’s gone, lost in the fierce rush of uncontrollable need that Jake unleashes in him every single time he sees him.
By the time they’ve both come and Jake’s wiped his hands on Heath’s jeans and run out the door, second thoughts are pointless. Heath takes his coffee and goes upstairs to get ready for his day and tries his damnedest not to think about it anymore.
*****
Jake shoots an apologetic grimace at his instructor when he slides into his station ten minutes late. It’s only his second time to be late, but that’s two too many times and he’s determined to make it his last one. He needs to make every good impression he can so that he can get a good placement for his apprenticeship. Being late is an easy way to fuck that up and he can’t afford it, especially when Heath’s made it clear - well, mostly clear - that he’s ready to cut ties and move on. Actually, Jake’s pretty sure that Heath doesn’t know what the fuck he wants, but that only means he might want to drag out the inevitable, which is a drama Jake wants to avoid at all costs.
Emily gives him curious glances all through the day but they don’t get much of a chance to talk until they’re done for the day and out the door. The one good thing about running all the way to and from the subway that morning - he’d barely noticed the cold. That afternoon, though, it’s a different story, and when he shivers half a block away from school, Emily notices. She breaks off talking about the sauces they’d been working on during their last class and asks, “Where’s your awesome new coat? It’s freezing today!”
“I gave it back.”
“Why? I thought you said he gave it to you.”
“I didn’t want it.”
“Idiot! That was a great coat. You said it didn’t even fit him. What happened?”
“I don’t know.” Jake shrugs, shoves his hands deeper in his pockets and looks away. “I think we broke up.”
“Ohhhh,” she says, drawing it out and making a big o-shape with her mouth. “You didn’t tell me it was an engagement coat!”
“You’re trying to be funny, right?” She smiles but he doesn’t because he’s just as bummed about this as he knew he would be from like the second time he saw Heath and he just doesn’t have any smiles to offer on this subject.
When Emily sees that she’s not getting anywhere with her teasing, she changes tact like the smart friend that she is. “What does that even mean, anyway? ‘I think we broke up.’ Sounds pretty ambiguous to me.”
He wishes he smoked. This would be the perfect time for a cigarette. “I know we did. He wants me to move in. I can’t. So yeah, we’re done.”
“How come that’s such a big deal? Can’t you just stay over sometime?”
A reasonable question that he can’t answer truthfully because she thinks he’s a normal guy and that monogamy is an option and he doesn’t want to ruin that so he has to make something up. “I’m too busy. He wants somebody to go to dinner with and see shows and stuff and I just don’t have the time for that right now.”
“But if you like him, couldn’t you make a little time? And if he likes you, couldn’t he be patient? School’s a bitch right now but it’ll be over in a few months.”
“Yeah, I know, but that’s not good enough. That’s why he wants me to move in now - ‘cause I don’t have time for any of the other stuff he wants.”
“So why can’t you? You don’t have a lease with Will, do you?”
They stop for a red light and Jake stomps his feet and shivers some more. “No, but it only costs me $600 a month to live there. If I move out and this doesn’t work, I’ll never find another place that cheap.”
“You could always move in with me,” she says, leaning into his space and smiling. “I’d make a great roommate!”
“Duh. You live with your folks. I don’t think they’d appreciate you bringing me home,” he says, forcing a grin that he doesn’t feel at all. “They won’t even let you have a cat.”
“I know. But I’ve got news! Christian’s looking to buy another place. He needs the tax write-off.” She makes air quotes when she says that, then adds, “I’m pretty sure Mom just wants to make sure I move someplace she approves of. A few weeks ago I mentioned getting an apartment this summer and then this need for more real estate suddenly came up. Mom and I are going looking next weekend if the weather’s good.”
“That’s nice, but I won’t be able to afford it. You know they’ll buy something way outta my price range.”
“My mom obviously has him by the short hairs on this one. He says I can have a roommate but he’ll still cover most of the costs since he wants it for an investment, etc, etc, blah blah blah.” She rolls her eyes. “Anyway, rent’ll be affordable. I’m broke too, and so are all my friends. They know that.”
“Huh.” The light turns green and they move off with the rest of the pedestrians. Jake thinks about it for about two seconds, then says, “Well, if you don’t have anybody else in mind, I might be up for a change. I’m sick of where I live now, plus I think Will’s probably gonna move his girlfriend in. She’s cool and all but there’s already three of us there and I’m not up for sharing with another person.”
“I don’t blame you. I had two roommates back in Boston and they always had friends over and it was a madhouse twenty-four seven.” She shakes her head. “Seriously, I think I’m getting too old for that already. God, I’m almost thirty, Jake. I feel so old!”
“Don’t be stupid. You’re not old. Being grown-up isn’t the same as being old,” he says, thinking wistfully of Heath’s quiet, beautiful house, where he’d much rather live than any place else he can think of. It seems totally unfair to have to make this decision but he can’t see a better way. “I’m sick of it too and I’m only twenty-three, but fuck, I’ve been living this life for fucking ever.”
“Yeah, I know.” They walk for a few steps in silence, but that never lasts long with Emily. “Has he got a nice place?” she asks as they slow down at the next intersection.
“Yeah, it’s nice. It’s in Capitol Hill, not far from Eastern Market.”
“Hmm… well, maybe if you really like this guy you should give it a shot. I can be your back up plan if it doesn’t work out.”
He eyes her curiously. “How come you’re pushing this so hard?”
“I’m not!” she protests, all wide-eyed innocence, but then she smiles and snakes her arm through his. “But I’d like to see you happy. You know me - cupid without the wings.”
“Yeah, ok, I’ll think about it,” Jake says, but in his gut he knows he won’t follow through. Heath’s card is burning a hole in his wallet but Jake hasn’t put his number in his phone for one reason - because he doesn’t want to get stupid and call him. He has way too much to lose if this goes any further, and cheap rent is the very tip of the iceberg.
*****
Heath finishes the day almost on time for once, leaving his office well before six. When he gets home, though, the house is empty and although that’s always the case, it’s becoming a situation he doesn’t like so much anymore. He changes into jeans and a sweater and thinks about finding a bar but sees his Nikes in the corner of his closet and decides to go to the gym instead. It’s been weeks since he got any real exercise besides walking around town, and while he’s not fat, his pants are getting snug in the waist and his biceps could definitely use some work. The only six-pack in sight is in his fridge and if he stays home it’ll be half-gone by bedtime, so he packs a bag and heads out.
He stops for dinner afterwards, something healthy instead of fried, and by the time he gets back home, it’s late and he’s tired and while it still sucks to think about going to bed alone, he’s satisfied with himself. His feeling of contentment lasts as long as it takes to read the email from his mom that he’d never gotten back to yesterday, at which point he discovers that losing Jake isn’t the only way his heart is about to get broken.
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