How much can I say about this show? This one is the longest.
APO peeps are doing spy thingies. I don’t care. Where’s the pretty? If I was ever asked to write professionally about a show/movie with a hot guy in it, I would get fired after the first article.
FlashbackSyd is checking out pictures of her mom. And she just found some oddly shaped blocks which she is putting together. One of those tests, I guess. Jack walks in and asks her to show him how she did it. Umm, it doesn’t look like the hardest thing to do. They all fit together easily enough. It means you are a very special girl Jack tells her. Yeah, Special Ed.
Syd and Vaughn are in a cabin in some snowy isolated location. Now, replace Syd with me and Vaughn with Sark and that is a nice location. Syd is sporting a fun neck wound that bears a resemblance to the one that GhostNadia is sporting, thanks to the glass table she fell through.
Here’s where I pause to go forage for food. Nevermind, McGee is asleep on my shoulder. I don’t want to wake him.
Moving on, Vaughn and Dixon catch up to Fred on an elevator. She doesn’t look happy to see them. In fact, I think some adult diapers are in order. Now she’s in a fun warehouse place that all spies have at their beck and call and Syd is there. Syd tells Fred she’s knows Fred is tough, but Syd has Rachel, Fred’s former best friend, to help out. Rachel says I know what you’re afraid of. Fred doesn’t look happy. A snake starts crawling across her throat. Two seconds later Syd and Rachel tell the APO peeps that Fred doesn’t know where the missiles are, but she did tell them that Sloane is in Mongolia.
Sark is strutting around in a completely black outfit. In Mongolia. I think jeans, a t-shirt and flipflops would’ve been more appropriate. They go into a bunker with the eye of Rambaldi on the top.
Okay, McGee is awake. Need food. Mmm, bagel with a side of Sark.
Flashback to the say Syd was recruited. Awww, Francie! CollegeSyd. It’s not evil Francie, it’s cute happy friend Francie, who tells Syd to be a teacher and mentions how dangerous it is to be a teacher. Rock on, sister. Why can’t there be a Sark flashback?
Sloane and Sark bust into some Mongolia something or other and Sark says Why does it have to be so filthy? If Rambaldi could prophesize the future, he might’ve advised me not to wear $500 shoes. Hot, snarky and being reduced to comic sidekick. It’s okay. I’ll take what I can get. Sloane goes down into some deep, dark cavern. Alone. Sark looks a little sad he’s not invited. Sloane thinks he Indiana Jones, minus the whip. Sark has the whip. My mind is in the gutter. As usual. Sloane takes out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and GhostNadia shows up. You’re talking to your dead daughter. This is an odd time to question your sanity she says to him. He puts the Grenade down and it starts spinning and light comes out. Sloane gets a teary-eyed smiling happy look on his face.
Cut to outside where SPO peeps are shooting up the camp. Syd starts running around. Now Sloane is watching the Grenade and there’s a mini-version of that huge red ball from the end of season 2 floating in the air above the Grenade. Interesting. Syd comes in with a gun on Sloane and tells him it’s over.
Now we’re back outside and Vaughn is shooting people in the back. Very courageous. But then a pretty hand puts a gun to Vaughn’s head and a lovely British accent starts talking. Correct me if I’m wrong, Mr. Vaughn, but aren’t you supposed to be dead? I suppose we’ll have to rectify that. Vaughn drops his gun, Sark pushes Vaughn to get a better shot at him and then DAMMIT!! SpyDaddy appears with a gun on Sark. Dagnabbit! He’s gonna shoot him, isn’t he. But then another bad guy appears with a gun on Jack and another guy (I think he’s bad) appears with a gun. Everyone stands around looking at each other and Sark says, Well then, it appears we have a predicament. Pretty.
Back to Sloane and Syd. Syd removes the Grenade from the table it was on while Sloane tells her not to. The red ball pops and red liquid drops to the floor. Syd asks what it is. Sloane tells her Don’t be rational right now and she wants a reason not to destroy it. Sark pops up and says Suppose I were to give you two good reasons. Jack and Vaughn are led in behind him. Take that, Syd! Good boy, Sark. Here’s a cookie.
Marshall and Rachel discover that someone is trying to disable their satellites, something like that. Dixon says something about Sloane preparing to strike the US. Then M&R say that whoever uploaded the virus is in Hong Kong. Now we’re back to asking Fred questions. We want to know who is in Hong Kong. Well, Dixon, if you read the “Guest Starring” credits at the beginning, you’d know that it is obviously Irina as we haven’t seen her yet. Marshall asks Should I get the snake? and Fred says Don’t.
Sloane has a gun on Syd and wants her to hand over the Grenade and he’ll let them walk away. She asks him what’s the stop him from shooting them once he has the Grenade. Despite what you might think, I’m not heartless, he says. Yeah, right. Syd says if he wants it, they’ll all walk out together and then they’ll talk. Sloane says it’s her choice and proceeds to shoot Jack. Syd drops the Grenade, Vaughn punches people, and Syd goes to Jack. Sloane picks up the Grenade and Syd gets this look on her face that is actually not so constipated as it is pissed off. Slow-mo Syd shooting Sloane. A lot. He falls back into the puddle of red liquid from that red ball.
Flashback to CollegeSyd and Jack. Syd tells Jack that she got a job at a bank. Credit Dauphine. Jack gets a look of Crap on his face as she keeps talking. He tells her to quit the “bank” and they get into an argument with Jack wanting her to focus on school, which is what her mother would want her to do. Syd goes out to cry. Hey, it’s been a while since she’s cried. And we’re back to Mongolia where Vaughn and Syd bring Jack out. Vaughn calls for air support. Jack is wheezing and bleeding all over and he says it’s just a scratch. Just a flesh wound. Who are you, the Black Knight? What’s with the Python references?
Vaughn tells Dixon that Sloane is dead and Sark got away with the artifact. That’s my boy. Dixon thinks they know where Sark is. Dixon also tells Vaughn, who tells Syd, that Sloane had a partner and they know who is behind all this. Cut to Irina on the phone with Sark who is sexily telling her that he has the artifact. Gee, I am so surprised and taken aback by this reveal that Irina was behind it. Good one, JJ. You really got me there. Even Lena Olin is trying really hard not to be all Duh, of course anyone with a partial piece of brain in their head saw this coming.
Vaughn, Syd and Jack (who is informed by Syd that he was shot in the chest and shouldn’t be doing anything) are talking about how Irina is in Hong Kong preparing to strike with the missiles. Jack tells Vaughn to prepare the transport, screw waiting for the air support to get them. Mention of Irina’s name has apparently given him some strength and desire to either find her and kill her or find her and make out with her, as that seems to be what he does. You can’t even stand up straight, how do you expect to confront Mom? Jack says he’s not coming, but Syd has to go now to get to Irina in time because you’re the only one who can beat her. Actually, I think Syd doesn’t have the best past track record with Irina, since she trusted her all those times. If anyone can beat Irina, it’s Sark. Because that’s what the pretty boy does. He doesn’t beat around the bush, he just knocks on your door and shoots you when you open it.
Syd’s crying while Jack says he never wanted this life for her and I’m betting he dies. Aww. He didn’t even get the chance to slow-mo walk in this last episode. He says There’s no one in this world who can do the things you do. What, look constipated, trust untrustworthy people, and cry a lot?
She sobs and tells him she loves him, he tells her he loves her, and then she slow-mo runs to the transport, leaving him to wait for the air support. Jack, for some stupid reason, proceeds to stand up and watch her as she drives away. Syd looks surprised that he’s standing and I’m all Umm, isn’t that just going to make you bleed a lot more? She drives away and Jack cries while he falls back to the ground.
Hong Kong. Sark strutting around Irina’s room with the Grenade in a pretty metal box. There’s a reason my fees are so high Sark says to Irina after she asks if the artifact is intact. Hehe, Sark is a male prostitute. Have I mentioned the whole “mind in the gutter” thing yet? Irina and Sark should scamper off and have a spin-off show where they kick everyone’s ass and look pretty while doing it.
Sark is in charge of launching the missiles. He has initiated countdown and Marshall freaks when he sees they started the countdown. Will the gang be able to stop them in time? Where is Shaggy? Is Scooby chowing down on some of those shady snacks?
Irina takes the Grenade out and Syd walks in. Great security. So that’s the Horizon? she asks her Mom. So, the thing has a name. I’d probably know this if I had been paying attention for the past, oh I don’t know, two seasons. Then Syd starts in on Irina: You shot the man I love. You betrayed my trust. You risked my daughter’s life over that. Irina looks at her like Duh, bad guy over here. But now Irina is talking for way too long. Why don’t bad guys act like real bad guys and just kill the good guys? Irina says Rambaldi is life, Syd. Through him we can live forever as we see Sloane in that pool of red stuff. And he sits up. WHY WON’T ANYONE STAY DEAD ON THIS SHOW?!?!?!
There is a big window behind Irina. I bet someone either jumps or falls out that window. Irina says she’s come too far to let anyone stop her. Syd says You’ll have to go through me first. And here’s where any good Bad Guy would whip out a gun and shoot the Good Guy. But no. These aren’t your typical Bad Guys. They’re dumb. Everyone is dumb. Except Sark. He’s too pretty to be dumb.
Damn! Syd just went flying across the room and slammed into the wall! Woo! Irina kicks all sorts of ass. Irina starts choking Syd with something and is slamming her around, into a mirror. Syd picks up a piece of the mirror and jabs it into Irina’s leg. Irina throws her onto a table, takes the mirror piece out of her leg and goes to stab Syd with it. Syd grabs the Grenade and hits Irina in the head with it. And yup, they both fall through that window. So predictable. Now they’re laying on the ground and having a conversation. Syd sees shooting stars and says Stars will fall from the sky. Hey, that thing that the prison guy said. Huh.
Syd says to Irina, You think I came alone? Cut to Sark in the launch room. DAMMIT!!! They’re going to have Vaughn kill Sark! That is…words cannot describe how wrong that is. Sark would never be killed by Vaughn. STUPID STUPID STUPID WRITERS. The computers stop working, Sark gets a concerned look on his face as he turns around. Vaughn beats him up, throws him on the floor and pulls a gun on the pretty man. Have I mentioned DAMMIT!!!! yet? Vaughn attempts wittiness by saying It appears we have a predicament.
Cut to Sloane and the red water. GhostNadia appears and starts talking. Blahblahblah. Maybe Jack is still alive and will find some way to kill Sloane. Nadia wanders off and Sloane is saying something about having all the time in the world when Jack pops up. Woo!
Back to Vaughn and Sark. Vaughn wants the override codes from Sark who swears he doesn’t have them. Vaughn shoots him in the leg. Sark states the obvious You shot me! Vaughn says he’ll keep shooting him until he gets the codes or Sark bleeds to death. Sark gets up while saying You know, I didn’t want any of this. Mass extermination isn’t exactly my passion, Michael. I simply wanted to come out on the winning end. Vaughn acts like he’s going to shoot him and Sark says he’ll give him the codes if he lets him walk away. Vaughn says he wants the codes first and then they’ll negotiate. Sark’s gonna die. By way of Vaughn. Who says he can be killed by his baby’s snoring. Sark! Snore! Death by snoring for Vaughn!
Cut to Marshall watching the countdown and the launch is aborted at 5 seconds left. At least they didn’t do the whole One Second Left thingie. That’s always stupid.
Irina says to Syd I’m afraid I can’t let you be such a complication in my life any longer and proceeds to beat her up again. Nice Mommy. But then Syd fights back and Irina lands on top of a big glass skylight thingie. I predict she falls through. Yes, I hear the glass cracking.
Back to Sloane and Jack. Jack says I owe you an apology, Arvin. I never gave your faith in Rambaldi the credit it deserved. Oh wait, is this RealJack or a GhostJack? You know how Sloane sees dead people. Dude! Sloane is the little kid from Sixth Sense all grown up! Oh, this is RealJack because Sloane says that Jack is dying and he can help. Jack doesn’t want his help. He’s just talking about how Sloane caused Syd so much pain. Sloane says You can’t hurt me anymore, Jack. Jack says True. But I can keep you down here with me. Interesting turn of events. And then he smiles! Well, it was a little one, but it was totally a smile! I’d smile too if I were holding a whole bunch of dynamite or some sort of explosive.
What are you doing? Sloane asks. Jack says You beat death, Arvin, but you couldn’t beat me. And he smiles again. Woo! Then Jack explodes the cavern and himself.
Back to Syd and Irina. The glass won’t hold you. Mom, you need to come back Syd says. I’m all Umm, aren’t you two trying to kill each other? Wouldn’t you want her to fall through, you stupid girl? Irina’s face seems to be saying the same thing. Irina grabs the Grenade as the glass breaks. Syd starts crying as she looks at Irina lying dead on the floor below. But you know, NO ONE STAYS DEAD ON THIS SHOW.
Vaughn appears on the roof behind Syd. Please tell me you let Sark go. Oh, they’re hugging and petting each other’s hair and doing that whole staring into each other’s eyes thing. Camera pans up to the sky and we see another shooting star.
Sloane is stuck in that cavern. He tells Nadia he can’t move and she says she can’t do anything. You have all the time in the world. she tells him. He says At least you’re here with me but then she turns around and leaves him there. Awww. That’s sad. Or not.
Flashback. Oh wait, no, it’s Isabelle, looking like she’s around 6 or 7. She’s on the beach and she yells Daddy! and runs off to greet “Uncle Dixon” as Vaughn comes out of the beach house. Happiness all around. Dixon is the Deputy Director now. Good for him. He still has those little braids going on. Syd comes out with a baby boy in her arms. Bet his name is Jack. Dixon says And this must be… Syd says Jack. Obviously. Dixon tells them that Marshall wanted to come, but Carrie is stuck at home on bedrest with their fourth baby. To quote Angela when she was talking about Ewan having another baby, He’s quite the baker.
Vaughn tells Isabelle to go unpack her toys before dinner. She scampers off into her room where she sees a box on her bed. Why do I get the feeling that the box contains one of those tests that Syd did when she was little?
Syd thinks that Dixon isn’t there just on a social call. Please tell me he has news that Sark is still alive and well and running around causing chaos. Dixon wants some field assistance because someone hit some research thingie in Paris. Syd asks if he can put Rachel on it but blondie is on deep cover somewhere. And besides, this job has sentimental value Dixon says as he hands Syd the file folder. And there he is, Sark, in all his pretty glory. He photographs well.
Vaughn says Sark. Syd says Don’t look at me. You’re the one that let him go. Finally, Vaughn did something good. Dixon says the job will be fun. Syd says That’s what you say every time you show up on my doorstep and the next thing you know, I’m jumping over canals in 3-inch heels while napalm explodes around me. Dixon says Yes, that’s how I would describe "fun." Then they all laugh and get up to go eat dinner. Syd calls Isabelle to come with them. Isabelle is finishing up building that tower that Syd built when she was little. Then she knocks it down and scampers out to join them.
And the show ends with Dixon holding Isabelle’s hand, Syd holding BabyJack and Vaughn, all walking slow-mo along the beach. Ah, the slow-mo walking. It will be missed. Predictable ending, as was expected, complete with scampering off into the sunset. Now I can go watch the first three seasons of Alias and forget the crap that was these past two seasons. Back when Mr. Sark was Mr. Sark not people’s little lapdog. Hmmm, lapdog…
FlashbackSyd is checking out pictures of her mom. And she just found some oddly shaped blocks which she is putting together. One of those tests, I guess. Jack walks in and asks her to show him how she did it. Umm, it doesn’t look like the hardest thing to do. They all fit together easily enough. It means you are a very special girl Jack tells her. Yeah, Special Ed.
Syd and Vaughn are in a cabin in some snowy isolated location. Now, replace Syd with me and Vaughn with Sark and that is a nice location. Syd is sporting a fun neck wound that bears a resemblance to the one that GhostNadia is sporting, thanks to the glass table she fell through.
Here’s where I pause to go forage for food. Nevermind, McGee is asleep on my shoulder. I don’t want to wake him.
Moving on, Vaughn and Dixon catch up to Fred on an elevator. She doesn’t look happy to see them. In fact, I think some adult diapers are in order. Now she’s in a fun warehouse place that all spies have at their beck and call and Syd is there. Syd tells Fred she’s knows Fred is tough, but Syd has Rachel, Fred’s former best friend, to help out. Rachel says I know what you’re afraid of. Fred doesn’t look happy. A snake starts crawling across her throat. Two seconds later Syd and Rachel tell the APO peeps that Fred doesn’t know where the missiles are, but she did tell them that Sloane is in Mongolia.
Sark is strutting around in a completely black outfit. In Mongolia. I think jeans, a t-shirt and flipflops would’ve been more appropriate. They go into a bunker with the eye of Rambaldi on the top.
Okay, McGee is awake. Need food. Mmm, bagel with a side of Sark.
Flashback to the say Syd was recruited. Awww, Francie! CollegeSyd. It’s not evil Francie, it’s cute happy friend Francie, who tells Syd to be a teacher and mentions how dangerous it is to be a teacher. Rock on, sister. Why can’t there be a Sark flashback?
Sloane and Sark bust into some Mongolia something or other and Sark says Why does it have to be so filthy? If Rambaldi could prophesize the future, he might’ve advised me not to wear $500 shoes. Hot, snarky and being reduced to comic sidekick. It’s okay. I’ll take what I can get. Sloane goes down into some deep, dark cavern. Alone. Sark looks a little sad he’s not invited. Sloane thinks he Indiana Jones, minus the whip. Sark has the whip. My mind is in the gutter. As usual. Sloane takes out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and GhostNadia shows up. You’re talking to your dead daughter. This is an odd time to question your sanity she says to him. He puts the Grenade down and it starts spinning and light comes out. Sloane gets a teary-eyed smiling happy look on his face.
Cut to outside where SPO peeps are shooting up the camp. Syd starts running around. Now Sloane is watching the Grenade and there’s a mini-version of that huge red ball from the end of season 2 floating in the air above the Grenade. Interesting. Syd comes in with a gun on Sloane and tells him it’s over.
Now we’re back outside and Vaughn is shooting people in the back. Very courageous. But then a pretty hand puts a gun to Vaughn’s head and a lovely British accent starts talking. Correct me if I’m wrong, Mr. Vaughn, but aren’t you supposed to be dead? I suppose we’ll have to rectify that. Vaughn drops his gun, Sark pushes Vaughn to get a better shot at him and then DAMMIT!! SpyDaddy appears with a gun on Sark. Dagnabbit! He’s gonna shoot him, isn’t he. But then another bad guy appears with a gun on Jack and another guy (I think he’s bad) appears with a gun. Everyone stands around looking at each other and Sark says, Well then, it appears we have a predicament. Pretty.
Back to Sloane and Syd. Syd removes the Grenade from the table it was on while Sloane tells her not to. The red ball pops and red liquid drops to the floor. Syd asks what it is. Sloane tells her Don’t be rational right now and she wants a reason not to destroy it. Sark pops up and says Suppose I were to give you two good reasons. Jack and Vaughn are led in behind him. Take that, Syd! Good boy, Sark. Here’s a cookie.
Marshall and Rachel discover that someone is trying to disable their satellites, something like that. Dixon says something about Sloane preparing to strike the US. Then M&R say that whoever uploaded the virus is in Hong Kong. Now we’re back to asking Fred questions. We want to know who is in Hong Kong. Well, Dixon, if you read the “Guest Starring” credits at the beginning, you’d know that it is obviously Irina as we haven’t seen her yet. Marshall asks Should I get the snake? and Fred says Don’t.
Sloane has a gun on Syd and wants her to hand over the Grenade and he’ll let them walk away. She asks him what’s the stop him from shooting them once he has the Grenade. Despite what you might think, I’m not heartless, he says. Yeah, right. Syd says if he wants it, they’ll all walk out together and then they’ll talk. Sloane says it’s her choice and proceeds to shoot Jack. Syd drops the Grenade, Vaughn punches people, and Syd goes to Jack. Sloane picks up the Grenade and Syd gets this look on her face that is actually not so constipated as it is pissed off. Slow-mo Syd shooting Sloane. A lot. He falls back into the puddle of red liquid from that red ball.
Flashback to CollegeSyd and Jack. Syd tells Jack that she got a job at a bank. Credit Dauphine. Jack gets a look of Crap on his face as she keeps talking. He tells her to quit the “bank” and they get into an argument with Jack wanting her to focus on school, which is what her mother would want her to do. Syd goes out to cry. Hey, it’s been a while since she’s cried. And we’re back to Mongolia where Vaughn and Syd bring Jack out. Vaughn calls for air support. Jack is wheezing and bleeding all over and he says it’s just a scratch. Just a flesh wound. Who are you, the Black Knight? What’s with the Python references?
Vaughn tells Dixon that Sloane is dead and Sark got away with the artifact. That’s my boy. Dixon thinks they know where Sark is. Dixon also tells Vaughn, who tells Syd, that Sloane had a partner and they know who is behind all this. Cut to Irina on the phone with Sark who is sexily telling her that he has the artifact. Gee, I am so surprised and taken aback by this reveal that Irina was behind it. Good one, JJ. You really got me there. Even Lena Olin is trying really hard not to be all Duh, of course anyone with a partial piece of brain in their head saw this coming.
Vaughn, Syd and Jack (who is informed by Syd that he was shot in the chest and shouldn’t be doing anything) are talking about how Irina is in Hong Kong preparing to strike with the missiles. Jack tells Vaughn to prepare the transport, screw waiting for the air support to get them. Mention of Irina’s name has apparently given him some strength and desire to either find her and kill her or find her and make out with her, as that seems to be what he does. You can’t even stand up straight, how do you expect to confront Mom? Jack says he’s not coming, but Syd has to go now to get to Irina in time because you’re the only one who can beat her. Actually, I think Syd doesn’t have the best past track record with Irina, since she trusted her all those times. If anyone can beat Irina, it’s Sark. Because that’s what the pretty boy does. He doesn’t beat around the bush, he just knocks on your door and shoots you when you open it.
Syd’s crying while Jack says he never wanted this life for her and I’m betting he dies. Aww. He didn’t even get the chance to slow-mo walk in this last episode. He says There’s no one in this world who can do the things you do. What, look constipated, trust untrustworthy people, and cry a lot?
She sobs and tells him she loves him, he tells her he loves her, and then she slow-mo runs to the transport, leaving him to wait for the air support. Jack, for some stupid reason, proceeds to stand up and watch her as she drives away. Syd looks surprised that he’s standing and I’m all Umm, isn’t that just going to make you bleed a lot more? She drives away and Jack cries while he falls back to the ground.
Hong Kong. Sark strutting around Irina’s room with the Grenade in a pretty metal box. There’s a reason my fees are so high Sark says to Irina after she asks if the artifact is intact. Hehe, Sark is a male prostitute. Have I mentioned the whole “mind in the gutter” thing yet? Irina and Sark should scamper off and have a spin-off show where they kick everyone’s ass and look pretty while doing it.
Sark is in charge of launching the missiles. He has initiated countdown and Marshall freaks when he sees they started the countdown. Will the gang be able to stop them in time? Where is Shaggy? Is Scooby chowing down on some of those shady snacks?
Irina takes the Grenade out and Syd walks in. Great security. So that’s the Horizon? she asks her Mom. So, the thing has a name. I’d probably know this if I had been paying attention for the past, oh I don’t know, two seasons. Then Syd starts in on Irina: You shot the man I love. You betrayed my trust. You risked my daughter’s life over that. Irina looks at her like Duh, bad guy over here. But now Irina is talking for way too long. Why don’t bad guys act like real bad guys and just kill the good guys? Irina says Rambaldi is life, Syd. Through him we can live forever as we see Sloane in that pool of red stuff. And he sits up. WHY WON’T ANYONE STAY DEAD ON THIS SHOW?!?!?!
There is a big window behind Irina. I bet someone either jumps or falls out that window. Irina says she’s come too far to let anyone stop her. Syd says You’ll have to go through me first. And here’s where any good Bad Guy would whip out a gun and shoot the Good Guy. But no. These aren’t your typical Bad Guys. They’re dumb. Everyone is dumb. Except Sark. He’s too pretty to be dumb.
Damn! Syd just went flying across the room and slammed into the wall! Woo! Irina kicks all sorts of ass. Irina starts choking Syd with something and is slamming her around, into a mirror. Syd picks up a piece of the mirror and jabs it into Irina’s leg. Irina throws her onto a table, takes the mirror piece out of her leg and goes to stab Syd with it. Syd grabs the Grenade and hits Irina in the head with it. And yup, they both fall through that window. So predictable. Now they’re laying on the ground and having a conversation. Syd sees shooting stars and says Stars will fall from the sky. Hey, that thing that the prison guy said. Huh.
Syd says to Irina, You think I came alone? Cut to Sark in the launch room. DAMMIT!!! They’re going to have Vaughn kill Sark! That is…words cannot describe how wrong that is. Sark would never be killed by Vaughn. STUPID STUPID STUPID WRITERS. The computers stop working, Sark gets a concerned look on his face as he turns around. Vaughn beats him up, throws him on the floor and pulls a gun on the pretty man. Have I mentioned DAMMIT!!!! yet? Vaughn attempts wittiness by saying It appears we have a predicament.
Cut to Sloane and the red water. GhostNadia appears and starts talking. Blahblahblah. Maybe Jack is still alive and will find some way to kill Sloane. Nadia wanders off and Sloane is saying something about having all the time in the world when Jack pops up. Woo!
Back to Vaughn and Sark. Vaughn wants the override codes from Sark who swears he doesn’t have them. Vaughn shoots him in the leg. Sark states the obvious You shot me! Vaughn says he’ll keep shooting him until he gets the codes or Sark bleeds to death. Sark gets up while saying You know, I didn’t want any of this. Mass extermination isn’t exactly my passion, Michael. I simply wanted to come out on the winning end. Vaughn acts like he’s going to shoot him and Sark says he’ll give him the codes if he lets him walk away. Vaughn says he wants the codes first and then they’ll negotiate. Sark’s gonna die. By way of Vaughn. Who says he can be killed by his baby’s snoring. Sark! Snore! Death by snoring for Vaughn!
Cut to Marshall watching the countdown and the launch is aborted at 5 seconds left. At least they didn’t do the whole One Second Left thingie. That’s always stupid.
Irina says to Syd I’m afraid I can’t let you be such a complication in my life any longer and proceeds to beat her up again. Nice Mommy. But then Syd fights back and Irina lands on top of a big glass skylight thingie. I predict she falls through. Yes, I hear the glass cracking.
Back to Sloane and Jack. Jack says I owe you an apology, Arvin. I never gave your faith in Rambaldi the credit it deserved. Oh wait, is this RealJack or a GhostJack? You know how Sloane sees dead people. Dude! Sloane is the little kid from Sixth Sense all grown up! Oh, this is RealJack because Sloane says that Jack is dying and he can help. Jack doesn’t want his help. He’s just talking about how Sloane caused Syd so much pain. Sloane says You can’t hurt me anymore, Jack. Jack says True. But I can keep you down here with me. Interesting turn of events. And then he smiles! Well, it was a little one, but it was totally a smile! I’d smile too if I were holding a whole bunch of dynamite or some sort of explosive.
What are you doing? Sloane asks. Jack says You beat death, Arvin, but you couldn’t beat me. And he smiles again. Woo! Then Jack explodes the cavern and himself.
Back to Syd and Irina. The glass won’t hold you. Mom, you need to come back Syd says. I’m all Umm, aren’t you two trying to kill each other? Wouldn’t you want her to fall through, you stupid girl? Irina’s face seems to be saying the same thing. Irina grabs the Grenade as the glass breaks. Syd starts crying as she looks at Irina lying dead on the floor below. But you know, NO ONE STAYS DEAD ON THIS SHOW.
Vaughn appears on the roof behind Syd. Please tell me you let Sark go. Oh, they’re hugging and petting each other’s hair and doing that whole staring into each other’s eyes thing. Camera pans up to the sky and we see another shooting star.
Sloane is stuck in that cavern. He tells Nadia he can’t move and she says she can’t do anything. You have all the time in the world. she tells him. He says At least you’re here with me but then she turns around and leaves him there. Awww. That’s sad. Or not.
Flashback. Oh wait, no, it’s Isabelle, looking like she’s around 6 or 7. She’s on the beach and she yells Daddy! and runs off to greet “Uncle Dixon” as Vaughn comes out of the beach house. Happiness all around. Dixon is the Deputy Director now. Good for him. He still has those little braids going on. Syd comes out with a baby boy in her arms. Bet his name is Jack. Dixon says And this must be… Syd says Jack. Obviously. Dixon tells them that Marshall wanted to come, but Carrie is stuck at home on bedrest with their fourth baby. To quote Angela when she was talking about Ewan having another baby, He’s quite the baker.
Vaughn tells Isabelle to go unpack her toys before dinner. She scampers off into her room where she sees a box on her bed. Why do I get the feeling that the box contains one of those tests that Syd did when she was little?
Syd thinks that Dixon isn’t there just on a social call. Please tell me he has news that Sark is still alive and well and running around causing chaos. Dixon wants some field assistance because someone hit some research thingie in Paris. Syd asks if he can put Rachel on it but blondie is on deep cover somewhere. And besides, this job has sentimental value Dixon says as he hands Syd the file folder. And there he is, Sark, in all his pretty glory. He photographs well.
Vaughn says Sark. Syd says Don’t look at me. You’re the one that let him go. Finally, Vaughn did something good. Dixon says the job will be fun. Syd says That’s what you say every time you show up on my doorstep and the next thing you know, I’m jumping over canals in 3-inch heels while napalm explodes around me. Dixon says Yes, that’s how I would describe "fun." Then they all laugh and get up to go eat dinner. Syd calls Isabelle to come with them. Isabelle is finishing up building that tower that Syd built when she was little. Then she knocks it down and scampers out to join them.
And the show ends with Dixon holding Isabelle’s hand, Syd holding BabyJack and Vaughn, all walking slow-mo along the beach. Ah, the slow-mo walking. It will be missed. Predictable ending, as was expected, complete with scampering off into the sunset. Now I can go watch the first three seasons of Alias and forget the crap that was these past two seasons. Back when Mr. Sark was Mr. Sark not people’s little lapdog. Hmmm, lapdog…