I haven't slept in what seems like a century...
Sept. 23, 2011 Morning Pages
Nightmares. Insomnia. Way too fucking hot to sleep.
Meditating this morning I pinpointed exactly what my subconscious was stirring about. I saw an unusual car come down my (dead end) street with Michigan plates. I was having a drunk landscaping session and didn’t’ look my best nor do I normally care about such appearances. But, I know my neighbors pretty well. I hadn’t heard of any of them having Michigan connections. That and the goddamn humidity. I moved here to get away from awful humidity. Well to get away from the nightmare, but…
Nightmare one included watching my 15-yr-old jump off a ladder on purpose and break his neck. And not just an internal break, no my brain had to demonstrate how much it digested during my time spent as a 20-something going to every horror/slasher movie there was. His head spun right off. Then looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, Mom.”
That was night mare number one.
Then I lay in bed for hours. I think I noted the clock about 3:45 again, before I awoke from Nightmare number two. Which was me as a single parent and three small children. I got wind that my ex was on his way and I had to hide. In the dream I had a nightmare that the police captured on video (somehow they took my claims of his murderous rage seriously - one reason I know it’s a dream), him killing me with the claw of a hammer. Again my brain was very graphic, to the point I think I feel pain in my chest even now. So I packed everything up and let my landlord know that a killer was after me. Somehow he believed me, too. Threw the kids in the van with portable crib, carseats and all that paraphernalia when they were younger. Talk about being the first to die in a Zombie apocalypse. And as I drove away, the camera of my brain pans to a few blocks away (in the opposite direction) where the unknown car I saw while working in my front yard yesterday, is driving in the direction of the small duplex I had rented on a house that looks very similar to the one I left in Michigan, but wasn’t really.
It was 5 a.m. when I awoke sweating from that dream. Here I sit writing all this down. Good thing about it, I got to hear the autumn frogs singing. Frogs let me know that the earth around my little plot of land is healthy. That’s a good thing.
Apparently my psyche is still terrified of my ex though. How he could absolutely destroy everything. In 2013 I will have been away from him longer than when I was with him. Add another year for the kids, though. They had a few more months with him given my deployment to Iraq. But yeah, he’s the things that horror novels are written about.
I have two very dark novels in me, one that revolves around an ex that just doesn’t give up and one about 9/11 - which would likely get me booted out of the country. /shrug. Maybe not. I do believe that when I can write those stories, I will have written ALL the demons out. But they are still very, very personal to me and it will have to be when I can do nothing but write those stories, before I could even attempt it.
Yesterday went well. I’m starting to feel more energized. As I said above, when I got home from the contract job - which went well - I did some drunk landscaping. There was some ground cover and lily bulbs I needed to still plant. (that’s when I saw the Michigan-plated car) May have been the whiskey that started the paranoia. Maybe it was that thing inside of our animal brain that keeps you safe. Luckily I had finished right about that time and packed things up.
Next it was clean up and whisk hubby who is clearly in a depressive cycle and attend an open house for my friend’s shop. Oh crap, the cupcakes she gave me are still in the car. Probably a melted mess. I’ll check when the sun comes up. Silly autumn. Staying dark longer and getting darker earlier.
Then I took my li’l ol’ paycheck and helped soothe my hubby’s burnt out from the job nerves and we went on what I call a “sneak date.” Where we tell the kids we’re running errands (to support and help my friend’s event) and have a drink and a meal at our favorite haunt in town. He did feel better. So in one week’s worth of part-time work I could pay the electric/gas bill (for us that’s a doosey unfortunately) and take my honey out for a well deserved meal.
We celebrate Tank’s 11th birthday on Saturday (with Tuesday being the actual day). His concussion is improving but it is most certainly still with him. Still light sensitive, still having a headache and last night he was complaining of nausea again. I took him to the grocery store with me in the afternoon to see how he was doing. It was really too much for him. Poor guy.
So today it is prep for that - big family dinner again. So clean all the things. Lists and baking and cooking and all that. I have to go in to the contract job for a few hours this morning. Time to make some tea and Theraflu. Still need that to be human.
Here’s to the sun coming up.
Fold basket of towels
3 Hours at Contract Job
Make grocery list for Saturday’s festivities
Prepare for Saturday’s festivities (cook, clean, bake)
:15 Operation Organization (keep plugging at boys’ room)
Reformat Query Letter, Proof one last time, Send (:: bites nails ::)
Continue on Travel Grant Writing
MC Work
Wilderness Rim Tweaks (found small things that can be fixed quickly)
Movie Night with Hubby after Nachos Happy Hour with the Girls
On the soundtrack today:
This entry was originally posted at http://caszabrewin.dreamwidth.org/15243.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Nightmares. Insomnia. Way too fucking hot to sleep.
Meditating this morning I pinpointed exactly what my subconscious was stirring about. I saw an unusual car come down my (dead end) street with Michigan plates. I was having a drunk landscaping session and didn’t’ look my best nor do I normally care about such appearances. But, I know my neighbors pretty well. I hadn’t heard of any of them having Michigan connections. That and the goddamn humidity. I moved here to get away from awful humidity. Well to get away from the nightmare, but…
Nightmare one included watching my 15-yr-old jump off a ladder on purpose and break his neck. And not just an internal break, no my brain had to demonstrate how much it digested during my time spent as a 20-something going to every horror/slasher movie there was. His head spun right off. Then looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, Mom.”
That was night mare number one.
Then I lay in bed for hours. I think I noted the clock about 3:45 again, before I awoke from Nightmare number two. Which was me as a single parent and three small children. I got wind that my ex was on his way and I had to hide. In the dream I had a nightmare that the police captured on video (somehow they took my claims of his murderous rage seriously - one reason I know it’s a dream), him killing me with the claw of a hammer. Again my brain was very graphic, to the point I think I feel pain in my chest even now. So I packed everything up and let my landlord know that a killer was after me. Somehow he believed me, too. Threw the kids in the van with portable crib, carseats and all that paraphernalia when they were younger. Talk about being the first to die in a Zombie apocalypse. And as I drove away, the camera of my brain pans to a few blocks away (in the opposite direction) where the unknown car I saw while working in my front yard yesterday, is driving in the direction of the small duplex I had rented on a house that looks very similar to the one I left in Michigan, but wasn’t really.
It was 5 a.m. when I awoke sweating from that dream. Here I sit writing all this down. Good thing about it, I got to hear the autumn frogs singing. Frogs let me know that the earth around my little plot of land is healthy. That’s a good thing.
Apparently my psyche is still terrified of my ex though. How he could absolutely destroy everything. In 2013 I will have been away from him longer than when I was with him. Add another year for the kids, though. They had a few more months with him given my deployment to Iraq. But yeah, he’s the things that horror novels are written about.
I have two very dark novels in me, one that revolves around an ex that just doesn’t give up and one about 9/11 - which would likely get me booted out of the country. /shrug. Maybe not. I do believe that when I can write those stories, I will have written ALL the demons out. But they are still very, very personal to me and it will have to be when I can do nothing but write those stories, before I could even attempt it.
Yesterday went well. I’m starting to feel more energized. As I said above, when I got home from the contract job - which went well - I did some drunk landscaping. There was some ground cover and lily bulbs I needed to still plant. (that’s when I saw the Michigan-plated car) May have been the whiskey that started the paranoia. Maybe it was that thing inside of our animal brain that keeps you safe. Luckily I had finished right about that time and packed things up.
Next it was clean up and whisk hubby who is clearly in a depressive cycle and attend an open house for my friend’s shop. Oh crap, the cupcakes she gave me are still in the car. Probably a melted mess. I’ll check when the sun comes up. Silly autumn. Staying dark longer and getting darker earlier.
Then I took my li’l ol’ paycheck and helped soothe my hubby’s burnt out from the job nerves and we went on what I call a “sneak date.” Where we tell the kids we’re running errands (to support and help my friend’s event) and have a drink and a meal at our favorite haunt in town. He did feel better. So in one week’s worth of part-time work I could pay the electric/gas bill (for us that’s a doosey unfortunately) and take my honey out for a well deserved meal.
We celebrate Tank’s 11th birthday on Saturday (with Tuesday being the actual day). His concussion is improving but it is most certainly still with him. Still light sensitive, still having a headache and last night he was complaining of nausea again. I took him to the grocery store with me in the afternoon to see how he was doing. It was really too much for him. Poor guy.
So today it is prep for that - big family dinner again. So clean all the things. Lists and baking and cooking and all that. I have to go in to the contract job for a few hours this morning. Time to make some tea and Theraflu. Still need that to be human.
Here’s to the sun coming up.
Fold basket of towels
3 Hours at Contract Job
Make grocery list for Saturday’s festivities
Prepare for Saturday’s festivities (cook, clean, bake)
:15 Operation Organization (keep plugging at boys’ room)
Reformat Query Letter, Proof one last time, Send (:: bites nails ::)
Continue on Travel Grant Writing
MC Work
Wilderness Rim Tweaks (found small things that can be fixed quickly)
Movie Night with Hubby after Nachos Happy Hour with the Girls
On the soundtrack today:
Click to viewThis entry was originally posted at http://caszabrewin.dreamwidth.org/15243.html. Please comment there using OpenID.