(no subject)
Im not feeling very happy today. Its mostly down to 2 things; the fact that I feel that im stupid, and the lack of a hobby.
Firstly, since leaving school, I’ve always felt stupid. At school, I knew I wasn’t the smartest as I was placed in the 2nd group (1st group being the really smart ones, 3rd group being the window lickers). But in the 2nd group I was the smartest in the class which made me feel like I was really intelligent. It wasn’t until I left school that I realised that I was just a big fish in a little pond. In the real world, I was thick. My maths is terrible, I know nothing of current affairs, history, sport, economics or complicated ways of thinking such as breaking a film down and analysing parts of it (such as Zombies are an analogy for consumer culture and how the humans are the real ‘walking dead’).
To me, most of the world is black and white. My world view tends to annoy those of greater intellect, because I just don’t understand the complexity of things. If my country owes £5 billion in debt to you and yours owes £5 billion in debt to us, cant we just right that debt off? Why cant we just print more money? How can all this money we owe each other not actually exist? I just don’t understand, and no matter how hard I try, I just cant figure it out. It makes people pull their hair out trying to teach me.
When people have in depth conversations about hard to understand things (ie how you can kill the man, not the idea and its link to propaganda) I feel small, pathetic and plain stupid. I cant understand it, cant contribute and when I do I look like a retard. I tend to wander off, or start messing about. This usually means that I cant become friends with the people I want to be friends with, because I cant talk to them. People will see me as quiet, stupid and not interested. I am interested, I just don’t understand! I just cant stand toe to toe intellectually with people like Aggy, Garr, Lupus, Theo or sometimes even Gally.
Makes me scared that I wouldn’t be able to satisfy Ziegenbock mentally. Or anyone else….
Secondly, I still haven’t managed to find a hobby I enjoy. Id give my right arm to become as engrossed in a hobby like Mecklar does. Being less inclined to enthusiasm as him, I find it very hard to get interested in something, and even less inclined to follow things through if I don’t get it straight away.
I really want something that I love to do. Something creative, different, cheap, interesting to others, possibly requiring manual dexterity, preferably indoors and something I can possibly give away, sell or entertain people with afterwards.
Ive tried a load of things and nothings held. Knitting, puppetry, picture making, various collections, leather making and crafting, clothe making, making and using dyes, woodcarving, various languages, comic making, guitar and piano playing, sweet making, cookery, gardening, game making, origami, web site creation, jewellery making, cosplay, sewing, yo-yo skills, knife throwing, weapon making, armor making, black smithing, horse riding, combat training, model making, sculpture, model painting, sign language, weight lifting, yoga, meditation…..but nothing.
The only thing I enjoy is computer games, but after all the hours I spend playing, im still not very good at most things in the game and after the game is finished, uninstalled or the sever get switched off, whats left? All those hours….gone.
What am I supposed to do with my life? Where is my niche, my space? Its painful watching people find their place, and be left out in the cold.