Thaw
Things have now thawed in the post split environment. In retrospect it should have been apparent that they would have. We are both reasonable people and we weren't out to hurt each other.
She does feel bad that I was upset by how thing ended. In fact, the fact that things ended wasn't what made me feel upset. I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't in a position to give me what I needed in a relationship. I was calling someone Maitresse when she had a tough time taking on the responsibility of what that meant. I expected certain things on both the Maitresse and girlfriend front, and hearing that she wasn't going to give me that made me feel as though I wasn't worth prioritising. In a sense I also felt like I had been manipulated and lied to.
But I know that being a domme is not easy, especially if you're new to it. Now I stand by my contention that if she is going to adopt a dominant title and a matching persona that there are certain responsibilities that come along with that. But I didn't appreciate that being in control of a broken down subbie can take up a lot of your mental and emotional resources and that not everyone is up to breaking people down and putting them back together, certainly not in the early stages of their domme career. She had read my blog, she knew how emotional I was capable of being, and she knew I like being taken apart and lovingly put back together. That's a lot to carry.
It has struck me that for me to really connect with a domme, I think I need to get emotional. I can play in a bottomy way whilst not letting go and enjoy it. But if I am going to play more intensely I need that emotional connection. That's a lot to expect of a new domme, but expect it I did. And I'm not wrong to want it. But I'm not sure if either of us realised how central this was for me at the beginning. If she was going to call herself Maitresse, create and enforce protocols, assign tasks, and create this persona to be used around me, maybe on some level I expected that she was going to take on the emotional heavy lifting too. When that didn't happen, through nobody's fault, I felt betrayed and unappreciated.
At any rate, relations are are thawing nicely. She is a valuable friend, and I'm lucky to have her in my life.
She does feel bad that I was upset by how thing ended. In fact, the fact that things ended wasn't what made me feel upset. I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't in a position to give me what I needed in a relationship. I was calling someone Maitresse when she had a tough time taking on the responsibility of what that meant. I expected certain things on both the Maitresse and girlfriend front, and hearing that she wasn't going to give me that made me feel as though I wasn't worth prioritising. In a sense I also felt like I had been manipulated and lied to.
But I know that being a domme is not easy, especially if you're new to it. Now I stand by my contention that if she is going to adopt a dominant title and a matching persona that there are certain responsibilities that come along with that. But I didn't appreciate that being in control of a broken down subbie can take up a lot of your mental and emotional resources and that not everyone is up to breaking people down and putting them back together, certainly not in the early stages of their domme career. She had read my blog, she knew how emotional I was capable of being, and she knew I like being taken apart and lovingly put back together. That's a lot to carry.
It has struck me that for me to really connect with a domme, I think I need to get emotional. I can play in a bottomy way whilst not letting go and enjoy it. But if I am going to play more intensely I need that emotional connection. That's a lot to expect of a new domme, but expect it I did. And I'm not wrong to want it. But I'm not sure if either of us realised how central this was for me at the beginning. If she was going to call herself Maitresse, create and enforce protocols, assign tasks, and create this persona to be used around me, maybe on some level I expected that she was going to take on the emotional heavy lifting too. When that didn't happen, through nobody's fault, I felt betrayed and unappreciated.
At any rate, relations are are thawing nicely. She is a valuable friend, and I'm lucky to have her in my life.