I need to think happy thoughts
I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just wish would go away. I have a choked up feeling in my throat that I get everytime I think about school starting. It's like I'm venturing into the unknown--not knowing what will happen in the next 9 months of my life. Junior year in those 9 months so much happened to me that I could've never foretold as I walked into the doors on the first day of school. So much heartache happened to me junior year. And although on the first day of school, I wished for the best, it didn't happen. I just really hope "the best" happens this year. But whenever I think of school starting, I see that jerk's face. I don't want to see him, and I'm so scared that I'm gonna have a class with him. If I have a class with him, I can't predict what he will do to me. He's the kind of guy who doesn't care about my feelings. For goodness sake, he tried to knock my chair over in the middle of mass. I just need to do something to take my mind off of all this...to gain some confidence by Thursday. Because today, I have no confidence at all, and again I just feel all alone. But like Lizzie said, I just have to remember that this summer, I have changed. Maybe every once in a while, I will go under a dark spell like I am now, but those dark spells won't last forever, and the new me will come shining through. This summer I have gained confidence. This summer I've realized that I don't need a guy to make me happy. This summer I realized how many people truly do care about me, and most of this summer, I've forgotten about my pain and put it behind me. But in the middle of those dark spells, it really does hurt, and all I want is for someone to hold me. In the middle of those dark spells, I look into the mirror and see a nobody. But I just have to thank God that I am the way I am. I'm the kind of girl that if you just take me somewhere, I'll forget about my pain.
Okay--happy thoughts, happy thoughts, lol. Yesterday I went shopping with Margaret to buy school shoes that go by our new rules. Margaret and I bought the same shoes except mine are brown and hers are black. So whenever we are bored in the morning, we are just gonna switch shoes, lmao. What can I say--we're easily amused. We also bought flower pins to put on our skirts, brown knee socks, matching key chains, and shirts from the Disney store. We're cool kids! Most people are age listen to rap songs while they're in the car with their friends. We listen to Irish drinking songs! LMAO. So for twenty minutes straight we were in the car dancing to these songs. Still my favorite would have to be "F*ck you I'm drunk!" because it makes me laugh so hard! There's also the song about the man who invented beer.."Beer beer beer didale beer". Thinking about yesterday does make me feel better :) plus the fact that my mom just found my ring!! I have a purple ring that I've been looking for for the past two days...and I was spazing out because I couldn't find it. So while I'm in the middle of making my lj entry, my mom is all like "Monica Drake! You would not believe what I just found!" (I think my heart stopped beating for a second because I thought I was in trouble, lmao).
Thanks Kyle for talking to me last night. Thank you for being so sweet. I just wish that there was something I could do to make you realize that you really are a great person. And thank you Richelle for telling me Chad Michael Murray was gonna be on Regis this morning! Ooooh baby!! That was hott! And thank you also to Mallory and Lizzie for helping me believe in myself. Mallory--we are definetly gonna hang out more this year because I miss you SO much! This year will be different..and definetlybetter. And Chris--if I can handle you, I can handle anybody, LOL! :oP HAHA.