Getting To Know You 4/12
2010
George and Carl tended to drive for H, Bob was also on the detail and they could call on others obviously when H’s schedule required it but generally H preferred either Carl or George behind the wheel. They worked around each other and for H with the ease of long association. They preferred not to talk about anything they had gathered during their association with anyone, unless obviously that person came armed with an Act of Parliament requiring them to answer. But even that wasn’t likely in these times.
Their major pre-occupations were to keep the car pristine and drive H safely to and from a number of unlikely venues. H was a man of tidy habits. They could rely on him not to snag the leather or leave a mess on most journeys. They were thus free to obsess over the interior and paintwork to their hearts content, without their principle getting in the way. So the first time that H invited a mud caked Lestrade to sit inside the car instead of keeping him a decent distance, Carl nearly gasped out loud.
H ignored him. But Carl was delighted to hear the Detective refuse to get in on the grounds that,
“I’ll just mess up that lovely bit of carpet you’ve got in there”
Instead H and the Detective walked as usual and talked as usual and then stood and talked a bit more which was less usual. And H seemed to be indicating the car again and no the Detective still had enough respect for the carpet not to accept and set off walking towards the Tube.
Carl was however aware of a definite chill in the atmosphere during the return journey. It didn’t escape his notice that George seemed to be on duty rather more than he was in the next week. And then Bob was specifically requested to drive H out to the Airport. This was one of the jobs that Carl and George always shared between them. Bob did not do Airports. He’d be tasked for the palace next!
Carl and George held a council of war over a pot of tea.
“I know it was the mud. I just know it. But even the copper said he wasn’t going to get in and dirty up the carpet.”
“This would be Lestrade then?” said George.
“Of the Yard yeah. He was soaking wet and leaving dirty great big mud splats everywhere he stood. He said he wouldn’t get in. I didn’t say anything”
“You don’t need to say anything with H though Carl. He just knows.”
“I didn’t mean it. I could have got some plastic from the boot. I could have cleaned it off but we’d always know it had been there”
“Yeah but your problem now Carl is that H knows that it was never there needing to be cleaned up in the first place” This was deep thinking. George was the elder statesman of the pair and Carl did rely on him for this sort of analysis and advice.
“What would you have done?”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s what we do now that’s important. We have to tell H that you’re sorry and that we are more than happy to clean up after him and his guests anytime he wants to muddy up the backseat. He don’t trust you no more Carl.”
“-”
“Exactly. Now I think you’re sorry. I think you’ll be helpful if H’s pet copper wants to eat crisps and fart in the back from now on. But if he can’t trust you then you just need to get off the rota and I’ll train up Bob as best I can”
“What do you mean of course he can trust me!”
“So you’re fine with blood but mud gets to you?”
“Well it’s different isn’t it?”
“Nope. It’s the same. If he wants to play bloody Mahler or trot out the thumbscrews or just cuddle up to a muddy copper in the back he gets our complete silence and our complete support right?”
“Right”
“And what would I have done? I’d have said “It will clean Sir, get in” and H would have given me a nice small smile for helping him, help his nice Detective that he likes so much”
“Shit he’s sweet on the plod?”
“Jesus Carl where are your eyes man? How often do we go find Lestrade? When everything went to shit last year and no one’s going home and there’s people running, actually running down corridors for God’s sake and H is sat at the center of his web sorting it all out for us. Where did I take him after? Where did I take him when he was bone tired? We went and picked up Lestrade and drove him home didn’t we? And Lestrade bless him, not a bleeding clue what’s going on. But he’s in the back telling H a funny story about the brother and bitching about the daft sods at the Yard and generally just being his normal self. And by the end they both looked happy enough you know.”
“Okay Okay I get it. Can you square it with him George?”
“Yes but if I do then you make sure you stay on side Carl. If they get to snogging in the back you’re fine with that, get me?
“Yes George”
“If he sends you out for condoms and a curry you go shopping yes Carl?”
“Yes George”
“If you’ve got to hold his bleeding coat whilst he sucks the nice policeman off, you hold that bleeding coat, am I clear?”
“Jesus George H would never ask me t-”
“What’s your answer Carl? Because this is a conversation you should have had with yourself a long time ago.”
“What?”
“We are here to do whatever H needs doing Carl. If you can’t stomach it you leave now, no harm done. We help him so he can sit on his web all nice and neat and tidy. Because when they start running down those corridors Carl they’re running to him”
“Yes George”
“So if one fine evening that dozy copper wakes up and realizes that H fancies the arse off him you will be fine with that too even if it involves cleaning spunk off the leather OK?”
“Yes George”
“Just call me right away so we can get to it fast; it’s a real bugger to get out”.
George and Carl tended to drive for H, Bob was also on the detail and they could call on others obviously when H’s schedule required it but generally H preferred either Carl or George behind the wheel. They worked around each other and for H with the ease of long association. They preferred not to talk about anything they had gathered during their association with anyone, unless obviously that person came armed with an Act of Parliament requiring them to answer. But even that wasn’t likely in these times.
Their major pre-occupations were to keep the car pristine and drive H safely to and from a number of unlikely venues. H was a man of tidy habits. They could rely on him not to snag the leather or leave a mess on most journeys. They were thus free to obsess over the interior and paintwork to their hearts content, without their principle getting in the way. So the first time that H invited a mud caked Lestrade to sit inside the car instead of keeping him a decent distance, Carl nearly gasped out loud.
H ignored him. But Carl was delighted to hear the Detective refuse to get in on the grounds that,
“I’ll just mess up that lovely bit of carpet you’ve got in there”
Instead H and the Detective walked as usual and talked as usual and then stood and talked a bit more which was less usual. And H seemed to be indicating the car again and no the Detective still had enough respect for the carpet not to accept and set off walking towards the Tube.
Carl was however aware of a definite chill in the atmosphere during the return journey. It didn’t escape his notice that George seemed to be on duty rather more than he was in the next week. And then Bob was specifically requested to drive H out to the Airport. This was one of the jobs that Carl and George always shared between them. Bob did not do Airports. He’d be tasked for the palace next!
Carl and George held a council of war over a pot of tea.
“I know it was the mud. I just know it. But even the copper said he wasn’t going to get in and dirty up the carpet.”
“This would be Lestrade then?” said George.
“Of the Yard yeah. He was soaking wet and leaving dirty great big mud splats everywhere he stood. He said he wouldn’t get in. I didn’t say anything”
“You don’t need to say anything with H though Carl. He just knows.”
“I didn’t mean it. I could have got some plastic from the boot. I could have cleaned it off but we’d always know it had been there”
“Yeah but your problem now Carl is that H knows that it was never there needing to be cleaned up in the first place” This was deep thinking. George was the elder statesman of the pair and Carl did rely on him for this sort of analysis and advice.
“What would you have done?”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s what we do now that’s important. We have to tell H that you’re sorry and that we are more than happy to clean up after him and his guests anytime he wants to muddy up the backseat. He don’t trust you no more Carl.”
“-”
“Exactly. Now I think you’re sorry. I think you’ll be helpful if H’s pet copper wants to eat crisps and fart in the back from now on. But if he can’t trust you then you just need to get off the rota and I’ll train up Bob as best I can”
“What do you mean of course he can trust me!”
“So you’re fine with blood but mud gets to you?”
“Well it’s different isn’t it?”
“Nope. It’s the same. If he wants to play bloody Mahler or trot out the thumbscrews or just cuddle up to a muddy copper in the back he gets our complete silence and our complete support right?”
“Right”
“And what would I have done? I’d have said “It will clean Sir, get in” and H would have given me a nice small smile for helping him, help his nice Detective that he likes so much”
“Shit he’s sweet on the plod?”
“Jesus Carl where are your eyes man? How often do we go find Lestrade? When everything went to shit last year and no one’s going home and there’s people running, actually running down corridors for God’s sake and H is sat at the center of his web sorting it all out for us. Where did I take him after? Where did I take him when he was bone tired? We went and picked up Lestrade and drove him home didn’t we? And Lestrade bless him, not a bleeding clue what’s going on. But he’s in the back telling H a funny story about the brother and bitching about the daft sods at the Yard and generally just being his normal self. And by the end they both looked happy enough you know.”
“Okay Okay I get it. Can you square it with him George?”
“Yes but if I do then you make sure you stay on side Carl. If they get to snogging in the back you’re fine with that, get me?
“Yes George”
“If he sends you out for condoms and a curry you go shopping yes Carl?”
“Yes George”
“If you’ve got to hold his bleeding coat whilst he sucks the nice policeman off, you hold that bleeding coat, am I clear?”
“Jesus George H would never ask me t-”
“What’s your answer Carl? Because this is a conversation you should have had with yourself a long time ago.”
“What?”
“We are here to do whatever H needs doing Carl. If you can’t stomach it you leave now, no harm done. We help him so he can sit on his web all nice and neat and tidy. Because when they start running down those corridors Carl they’re running to him”
“Yes George”
“So if one fine evening that dozy copper wakes up and realizes that H fancies the arse off him you will be fine with that too even if it involves cleaning spunk off the leather OK?”
“Yes George”
“Just call me right away so we can get to it fast; it’s a real bugger to get out”.