My emotions are chaotically messy right now
June 26, 2015. It's here. It's finally legal.
And all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my heart out.
Don't get me wrong: I'm happy. I'm extremely happy that this has at last come to pass. At last, it's legal to marry who you love. Millions and millions of happy couples can legally marry now, can be in the hospital room with their beloved, can be in each other's insurance, can get benefits. They can now proclaim loud and clear: I AM MARRIED.
Everybody, it seems, but me.
I know, I know I'm hardly the only remaining person in the closet, and hell, I've even got a friend who's just as in the closet as me- but her mother wouldn't wish her dead if she found out.
Mine would.
Do you know how painful it is to know your own mother, who is supposed to love you above all else but God, support you and care for you- to know that she'd rather you be dead? I found out by coincidence. That time when it seemed that Kansas was going to pass that law that made it legal for anyone to deny services to someone they thought homosexual, including emergency services? The third day after I heard about it, there was a small report in the news my mother watches, and during the commercial, when she mentioned 'Then what's the problem?' I explained to her that it meant that even if the house was burning down and they were trapped inside, even if their leg was torn off and they were bleeding out by the hospital, even if they were being beat to within an inch of their lives in front of a patrol car- if the emergency services personnel merely thought that they were homosexual then they would be within their rights to deny them service, thus letting them die. My mother's response to that?
"Good. They chose that disgusting life, they chose to sin, they deserve to die."
I'd known since before this that I'm not exactly much loved by my dear old mam, that she'd have rather I died before I was born- but that was just because of my *charming* personality. But to know, unequivocally, that she'd want me DEAD because I prefer girls to guys? I swear, to this day, that my heart stopped when she made that comment. I just...I couldn't respond. I just moved further back out of her line of sight and sat there for I don't know how long before I was able to take a deep breath without bursting into tears and took my plates to the kitchen, washed them, then walked to my room and just sat on my bed staring at the wall until the next morning. I couldn't sleep. Still, even know, thinking about that afternoon/night, I still feel like she's punched me in the gut and ripped my heart out. I mean, yeah, I knew if I was adopted she'd send me back, and she really couldn't stand me, but she still raised me and helped me and took care of me. She still loved me even if only because I was her blood. Now though, now I knew that I would lose her permanently if she ever found out I love women.
And ever since yesterday, that's all that's been in my mind. Looping over and over.
I hate myself so much sometimes.
And all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my heart out.
Don't get me wrong: I'm happy. I'm extremely happy that this has at last come to pass. At last, it's legal to marry who you love. Millions and millions of happy couples can legally marry now, can be in the hospital room with their beloved, can be in each other's insurance, can get benefits. They can now proclaim loud and clear: I AM MARRIED.
Everybody, it seems, but me.
I know, I know I'm hardly the only remaining person in the closet, and hell, I've even got a friend who's just as in the closet as me- but her mother wouldn't wish her dead if she found out.
Mine would.
Do you know how painful it is to know your own mother, who is supposed to love you above all else but God, support you and care for you- to know that she'd rather you be dead? I found out by coincidence. That time when it seemed that Kansas was going to pass that law that made it legal for anyone to deny services to someone they thought homosexual, including emergency services? The third day after I heard about it, there was a small report in the news my mother watches, and during the commercial, when she mentioned 'Then what's the problem?' I explained to her that it meant that even if the house was burning down and they were trapped inside, even if their leg was torn off and they were bleeding out by the hospital, even if they were being beat to within an inch of their lives in front of a patrol car- if the emergency services personnel merely thought that they were homosexual then they would be within their rights to deny them service, thus letting them die. My mother's response to that?
"Good. They chose that disgusting life, they chose to sin, they deserve to die."
I'd known since before this that I'm not exactly much loved by my dear old mam, that she'd have rather I died before I was born- but that was just because of my *charming* personality. But to know, unequivocally, that she'd want me DEAD because I prefer girls to guys? I swear, to this day, that my heart stopped when she made that comment. I just...I couldn't respond. I just moved further back out of her line of sight and sat there for I don't know how long before I was able to take a deep breath without bursting into tears and took my plates to the kitchen, washed them, then walked to my room and just sat on my bed staring at the wall until the next morning. I couldn't sleep. Still, even know, thinking about that afternoon/night, I still feel like she's punched me in the gut and ripped my heart out. I mean, yeah, I knew if I was adopted she'd send me back, and she really couldn't stand me, but she still raised me and helped me and took care of me. She still loved me even if only because I was her blood. Now though, now I knew that I would lose her permanently if she ever found out I love women.
And ever since yesterday, that's all that's been in my mind. Looping over and over.
I hate myself so much sometimes.