A break to update and complain
Well folks I'm now 16 nearly 17 weeks pregnant. I'm taking an anthro lab because I'm vying for the title of world's biggest masochist, and juggling a preschooler and a classic hot tempered two year old.
Money is tighter than tight, which is same shit different day. Japhet wants to work more, and he'll be getting his wish soon enough as the holiday season comes along to steal him off to cover the insanity.
He never told me what happened with his offer to go to France but I suspect he declined, citing Nathan and in turn it probably did some damage to his reputation and/or career. I'd panic about this but I don't have the energy because I'm tired, worn thin, and reducing my meds per my psychiatrist's recommendation, so any anxiety inducing red flags have to be dismissed for another day, week, month, year, etc. Part of this is also that Japhet is blunt but also presents information in a classicaly Japhet cynical light so I've often panicked over a bleak outlook only to find it wasn't quite like that.
Isaac's language has taken off in a big way along with even more of his personality and temper. (Which I didn't think was bloody possible). His hair is wild and often tangled, his fingernails stay grubby from his digging in who knows what, and he has a slight lisp when he says certain words and it makes all of us melt.
Nathan is slowly enjoying school. His chemistry isn't as positive as it was at the old school, but he did start mentioning his teacher and always is excited to tell me what he did with his school. He brought home some lovely artwork and crafts which we'll have to put up.
The house is perpetually in a state of mess on one level or the other (today for example the upper level is clean save the bathrooms, the bottom floors are a sty.) This in turn irritates me because I feel I've been nesting since the pink lines showed up.
This pregnancy is definiately different than the first three. I'm sick as a dog, largely due to post nasal drip. I have a trigger happy gag reflex, and so the slightest sensation at the back of my throat equates to my gagging in the middle of whatever I'm doing (even driving) and then the gag turns into a proper puke and I'm drained. Today I puked three times, I won't go into the gore but it was gore indeed and ALL the fault of over active mucus glands and estrogen.
In addition to this lovely symptom, my shy bladder has flared up again. It's a form of social anxiety, and that could be influnced by the changing of my antidepressants and/or the hormone malestrom that pregnancy puts you through. While I am not sad, or impulsive, depressed, experiencing other forms of social anxiety, I'm sure on some levels my brain's chemistry is changing to adjust to the meds changing and of course the hundreds of thosands of units of hormones that surge through your body as opposed to the zero to thousands I go through during a normal menstral cycle.
I haven't had social anxiety but I have been worried about the baby, so I know again, some anxiety has been kicking in. As such I'll mention it to the doc when I see her in a couple weeks. I am 90% sure I've felt flutters, but the dark hissing whisper of what if kicks in and cuts me deep. I'd get a doppler but I can't afford one, or even a 3D ultrasound to get piece of mind until my next visit. But a lot of this is random unfounded (I hope) worry. I've had no cramping that wasn't immediately followed by a shit or gas (sorry TMI but pregnancy isn't for sissies). No bleeding, and I'm definitely getting bigger.
Which presents another problem. I donated my maternity clothes right before we moved here, foolishly thinking I wouldn't need them for another year or longer, and now I just can't spend the money on them. We're barely staying afloat as it is, and I'm sitting up bickering with myself over not going for the usual entertainments we'd go for like random trips to visit relatives, or Disney's Halloween party, etc. A great part of this is because we have had to do a lot of trips to visit folks and weddings in Vegas and that was expensive. ($500 each time including gas). Then there was a family urgency before we even got in the damn house ourselves that took from what little cushion we had post escrow. Then we get here and right off the bat the toilets need to be replaced ($200+ each), the a/c needed to be called in under warranty, as did a check for the electric which turned out to be my dumbass fault. Bottom line we've been homeowners for 6 months and easily spent $4000 in debt related to bullshit around the house, our decided obligations to our family and friends via travel, party, dinners, etc,a car surprise, and a few furnishings around the house that needed to be done.
And we're not only not done settling, we've had to do this sans financial help because everyone is suffering along side us. One hand we're proud we did this all alone, with no one to say well I helped you in the monetary sense, on the other hand, we were bleeding out like a wounded animal until this month and when shit with my family calmed down, shit with his friends and family stirred up.
His best friend since he was 17 had a lavish Vegas wedding. His brother started tripping because of shit around his estranged ex wife and daughter, and then literally disappeared. His mother was frazzled by his same old bullshit, and also on hooks because his ex allowed her to see her grandchild for the first time in 12 years, and when Japhet flipped out because his brother was MIA literally and could be dead on the street, his mom told him she'd had it and if he was that worried then he could take him here and deal with him.
Yeah. Not only is that not going to fucking happen so long as I'm not sedated, but WTF IS IT WITH PEOPLE WANTING TO SHOVE MOFOS INTO OUR HOUSE LIKE IT'S A CLOWNCAR??
First my Dad, then my Uncle, then my Aunt with her yaps, Japhet's Cousin with their elderly Aunt, and now his crazy probably autistic (not related to crazy btw two separate dx's) no working ass brother with violent tendencies is up? Fuck no.
I hate to see Japhet fighting with his mama. And I hate that she's in a space that she's behaving so out of character (by which I mean salty to Japhet) but his brother battered her during bouts of illness and she is a domestic abuse victim with no desire to give a damn about her former tormentor. Furthermore his brother is in essence his father in a lot of ways so it all has to bring up old shit for her.
Now Japhet is sad, and thinks his mother won't visit during the birth of the new baby. I don't think she won't but if she doesn't and it's because of the situation with Toby's ex and Japhet's niece that's not only a sad shame it's her loss.
Lessie what else? I have a cold too which is NOT helping the PND lemmie tell you. PND=Post nasal drip in this case. I think it's also post natal depression in the UK or Australia. lol
So in short money is tight which is stressful. We're a bit mopey but tough shit because we can't have as much fun as we'd like to this holiday season to save money and get on track. BUT, in the end all this struggle is and will continue to be worth it because we're in OUR house. Not a landlord's house our home. And that's a beautiful thing. Even when it isn't because I have four flights of stairs and I'm fat and pregnant and sometimes I have sleeping toddlers and preschoolers who weigh as much as HORSES to carry up said stairs to put to bed. :/
Tomorrow I hope to get a good chunk of homework done, turn in some paperwork to school, and possibly visit Disneyland since we're paying for the AP and might wanna put it to good use. At least DL shouldn't be crowded. The summer crowds have departed which is a shame btw. If you ever wanna visit Disney and you want it to be warm visit in September. It's still PLENTY hot here during the day and mild and cool at night. If you're from someplace cold you won't even want a jacket or pants come nightfall. LOL And the hotels and stuff are much MUCH cheaper because the start of low season has begun.
Okay I'm tired. My nose is drippy and I need to handle that. So I depart. I'll try to have ultrasounds and other cute stuff next time. I hope.